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3 years out and struggling (long)

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ColorMeSurprised posted 1/31/2014 15:27 PM

On the surface things look great, we have lots of fun together, lots of travel, good friends. fWH has been out of town the last week and Iíve been snowed in, giving me plenty of time to rehash the last years of my life over and over.

Iím having a really hard time reconciling the then and now. 3 years ago, he left town, to go wine and dine OW under the guise of a business trip, abandoning me in a blizzard that shut down the city and he just turned off his phone. Today, I know he loves me and our life together. I see it in his actions, I feel it in his words, but Iím just still so freaking hurt and thereís no guarantee he wonít betray me again.

I feel like I dug myself so deep into my cave that I canít see a way out. My walls are up so high and I just canít bring them down. I feel trapped and alone. I really want a relationship where I can be open and honest, discuss problems, not let them festerÖ I recognize I am in control of this. Iíve never seen that though, I donít know how that works, or where to start.

I feel like where Iím hung up is forgiving myself for allowing myself to be treated that way. For always backing down, not demanding what I now see I needed. I wish I would have made him tell her that she was nothing, even though I know in my heart that wasnít true. I wish I would have called him out when he was worried about her seeing us out and about when we visited her city, instead of clinging. I wish I would have been stronger and 180íed when he balked at giving up his friendship with OWís boyfriend. I am so disgusted at myself for allowing that. The person I am today, 31 months since d-day, wouldnít have put up with it, right?

I just really need to KNOW that he truly understands how much pain his betrayal caused because if he did then there is no way humanly possible that he would ever think about repeating it. The aftermath of DDay was by far the most devastating period I have ever experienced. The night I found out I thought I might not wake up if I closed my eyes, and the pain was so great I would have welcomed it. The following months werenít much different. I nearly ended up in the hospital because I couldnít care for myself. Grief and panic became normalcy and still linger today. Simple things send me into a tailspin of reliving the past. I just canít bring myself to talk about it, but I have to. How do I even start?

pearlharbr posted 1/31/2014 18:48 PM


Have you tried IC? Or MC? If you can't talk to fwh is there someone else you can talk to like a friend or family member? If you don't address your feelings I fear you'll be stuck in the same place.

I can relate to your feelings about how you acted when you first found out. But know that it is understandable, normal, and forgivable. I went through a phase wondering what I was doing giving my SO another chance and feeling that I was being weak. Through IC, reading, and a lot of contemplation I realized that it was actually harder for me to give R a shot, there was nothing weak about it.

And I know what you mean about wanting to make sure he KNOWS how much he hurt you. My husband is not naturally communicative about his feelings and I had several blowups because I thought he was trying to rug sweep. When I brought it up he explained how he did think about what he did to me and to us every day. I needed to explain to him that I needed to hear that to be reassured.

I hope you can find the strength to talk to your fwh about how you're feeling.

whattheh posted 1/31/2014 18:56 PM

If you are in R sharing these thoughts with your fWH might help you build a deeper level of intimacy. Maybe you could start by inviting him to read your post?

My fWH are reading a book together called The 7 Levels of Intimacy.

[This message edited by whattheh at 6:57 PM, January 31st (Friday)]

ColorMeSurprised posted 2/1/2014 08:17 AM

Thanks for the advice and hugs Pearl and Whattheh.

We had been in MC from 1 week post DDay up until July-ish of last year when our MC moved. Our MC said she would be happy to make a referral but we discussed it and decided to hold off. Maybe its time to take her up on the offer and I'm starting to think IC isn't such a bad idea either. Sigh... this just isn't where I pictured being mentally 3 years out, you know?

What I really want is to figure out how to get past this without history repeating itself. Which I'm finding out is no easy feat. I'm going to share what I wrote with him. I'll let you know how it goes!

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