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happy and reconciled 6 years, now he wants us to have sex with a

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hewasmycasanova posted 1/31/2014 16:32 PM

how should i deal with this? I have told him the thought of this makes me disguted...i worry about how to deal.....Does HE want a man? he says he loves me so much that he wants to please ME "doubely" S many issues and worries to deal with.

hewasmycasanova posted 1/31/2014 16:34 PM

This didn't come out right on my previous post. Let me do this again..He wants US to have sex with another man.

Gotmegood posted 1/31/2014 16:45 PM

After telling him that this scenario disgusts you, he STILL maintains that the request for this threesome is for you? You are apparently not speaking the same language, or he's not really listening to you, or he simply does not care what you want. Ask him what's in it for him.....voyeurism? an 'acceptable' way for him to engage in sexual activity with a male partner? I certainly would not participate if it disgusted me.

somanyyears posted 1/31/2014 16:45 PM

..

..he wants to a) watch you have sex with the OM b) he wants to have sex with the OM while you watch..???

..did this idea just come out of the blue?

"Oh honey, how would you feel about a threesome???"

..has he been watching porn?? lately???

..something or someone has popped his interest here..

..he's got some 'splainin' to do!

smy

[This message edited by somanyyears at 4:47 PM, January 31st (Friday)]

Matisse posted 1/31/2014 16:52 PM

His having sex with two men your fantasy? If not, this is a fantasy he wants to act on. I'm all for having a little fantasy in my sex life, but it seems to work better when it's a mutual fantasy and it doesn't involve a third person.

I don't think this necessarily means he wants to have sex with a man. Some men do have a fantasy that involves another man having sex with their wives. Or maybe he wants to use it as a springboard to a threesome that includes another woman. We can speculate all we want, but we may not come close to his reason for wanting a threesome.

For me, sex is expressing the emotional intimacy I feel for the person I love. Add a third person, there goes the emotional intimacy. I guess the question I would have is why does he what to remove emotional intimacy from our sex life because doubly pleasing me with two men in my bed, isn't what makes sex thrilling, loving and pleasing to me.

SpotlessMind posted 1/31/2014 18:47 PM

Hey Casanova--

First and most importantly--if you are against the idea and he pushes you into it anyway, be very concerned. This is exploitative behavior that does not put your best interests or feelings as a priority, and there are numerous accounts of female partners who felt cajoled into becoming swingers by an SO who have suffered serious mental & emotional anguish as a result. Don't be one of them.

If he cares about you, he would not push you into something that goes against your values.

Second--my WH suggested an open marriage to me over the summer. He also said it was bc he was worried my needs weren't being met. He said he would not expect reciprocation.

Funny, since he'd already been sleeping with three other women. We are still trying to suss out exactly WTF he was thinking at that point, but my hunch is that he was hoping I would take him up so he could feel less guilt about his cheating. It's super manipulative, and frankly it's one of the things that I struggle with the most in the aftermath.

[This message edited by SpotlessMind at 6:48 PM, January 31st (Friday)]

Melian40 posted 1/31/2014 18:53 PM

Check out the "cuckold fetish".
It's very popular these days. There's a whole section in porn about it and even forums where the "cuckolds" discuss about their "Hot Wives".
It's said that this is a form of emotional masochism or latent homosexuality.

LostAngry posted 1/31/2014 18:54 PM

I would question any person that cheated in the past and now has the idea of swinging, threesomes or bringing anybody into the bedroom. I would question the motives and look closely for manipulation.

For me, sex is expressing the emotional intimacy I feel for the person I love. Add a third person, there goes the emotional intimacy. I guess the question I would have is why does he what to remove emotional intimacy from our sex life because doubly pleasing me with two men in my bed, isn't what makes sex thrilling, loving and pleasing to me.

Spot on.

I would also presume his next grand idea will be bringing a woman into your bedroom for your pleasure, of course, not his. The manipulation comes in the form of him trying to make you believe the new person is for you and not for him.

BlankPage posted 1/31/2014 19:51 PM

First off, as always, take a deep breath and slow down.

Second, I'd be careful not to "punish" him for what appears to be an attempt at honest communication on his part. At least he's talking to YOU about it. It would be far worse to come home and......

Third. I'd have a very frank discussion with him about FANTASY and REALITY. Is he suggesting that this is something he ACTUALLY wants to do? Or some idea that turns him on? I think a big part of open communication and R is being able to talk about any twisted fantasy you want with your spouse (AND ONLY YOUR SPOUSE!).

Finally, if he is actually suggesting you bring someone else into your sex life (man, or woman) and this is a deal breaker for you. Tell him unequivocally. (You don't really owe him any "reasons" but that may help him understand.) You should be able to reach an EXPRESS AGREEMENT that this is not something that will ever happen. Then also make it clear to him that it is an absolute line in the sand and that any violation is THE END. Don't let this be a setup for, "well, I told you that it was something that interested me but we never really talked about it......"

*and/or, this may be something he needs some "help" (counseling) to resolve.

debbysbaby posted 1/31/2014 20:04 PM

Oh boy. Reading this triggered me SO BAD. That is exactly what my ex told me. It also came up after we'd supposedly been in R for some time. Please read my profile if you'd like to see where that nightmare took me.

20WrongsVs1 posted 1/31/2014 20:06 PM

How should you deal with it? Easy. If you're into it, go for it. If you're disgusted by it, then you say, "If you want to have sex with another person, that's fine. I get first dibs on the best divorce attorney in town, and when it's final you do whatever (or whomever) you want."

I saw your post in General. If you're curious about the lifestyle and you're considering trying it together...fine. Consenting adults! But don't encourage him, don't send mixed messages by going to a party. Put your foot down and tell him what you want. And don't want.

Brandon808 posted 1/31/2014 21:09 PM

It's said that this is a form of emotional masochism or latent homosexuality.
There is another possibility. It's also a form of "controlled betrayal". Some people who engage in the lifestyle believe people will stray no matter what so if a couple agrees to an open-M then that will (supposedly) avoid lying/deception from affecting the relationship. Except there have been a few accounts on SI of cheating even in open-M's.

hurtingfool posted 1/31/2014 21:44 PM

I'm one of those. We did those things as a couple. Not gonna repeat my whole story here, but she had some leeway when she was away. For me the betrayal wasn't the sex, it was the lying.

I never pressured her to do anything she didn't want to do. The threesome we had, she picked the guy. I know I was the one that brought it up, she was the one that brought the guy in. Which that is a story in and of itself.

I can't describe why I liked it. Part of it was showing the other guy that this is what I get when you aren't here, another part was me thinking about how many partners she had been with before and I didn't want her to regret starting our life together too early. She said she enjoyed it, but could do without it then. Her sex drive has been low since the kids were born. So we hadn't done it again. We played around with couples, but no more trios.

After her A, she has said that she would like to try and do stuff like that again and really enjoy it this time. Evidently her sex drive came back, but I'm in no mood to go down that path anytime soon.

All in all if it is something you want, go with it. You could even simulate the experience with toys and see if that satisfies his need. It worked for me at least. But if it is something you do not want, be firm about it and let him know that more than one is a no go for you and he'll just need to imagine it.

StruckNumb posted 1/31/2014 22:00 PM

If you are disgusted at the thought, then you have your answer.

gonnabe2016 posted 1/31/2014 22:25 PM

Did you ask him why he suggested this?
Why does he think that inviting a man to join you in the bedroom will please YOU?
*smh*

Melian40 posted 2/1/2014 06:23 AM

Seeing their woman get pleased by other man is not an uncommon fantasy for men. They want to get jealous and boost their desire for their woman. They want to "reclaim" her.
Sexuality is very fluid, you can't label anything easily.
The most important thing is this: Don't do anything unless you 100% want it. Discuss other options where you both feel good.

steadfast1973 posted 2/1/2014 07:27 AM

I would say that since you are here that you are not interested in his plan. Tell him no. If it was "for your pleasure", then he'd be okay with you saying no, right? F you've told him the idea disgusts you, and he's still pushing, then it's not for your benefit.

Sounds like he has porn brain.

[This message edited by steadfast1973 at 7:30 AM, February 1st (Saturday)]

refuz2bavictim posted 2/1/2014 08:11 AM

Unless you have expressed this fantasy to him, I call complete bullshit on this

he says he loves me so much that he wants to please ME "doubely

As an adult female you are quite capable of asking for the fulfillment of your fantasies. This sounds like he's hoping to convince you that his fantasy is yours.

NOT OK.

LostAngry posted 2/1/2014 13:39 PM

I replied to your topic in General about swinging.

Kelany posted 2/1/2014 14:57 PM

Are you sure you've been in true R and he didn't start acting out with men?

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