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Sad in AZ posted 1/31/2014 17:46 PM

{Background: I posted an old pic on FB for 'Throwback Thursdaythe X and I when we were 19. It's a particularly good picture of me }

Tonight I get a text from DS: So, what's up with your throwback Thursday picture :)

Me: I don't have many. So I have to use some oldies with your dad.

DS: Wow make that sound a little cold haha

Me: Um...what do you want me to say?

DS IDK lol it was the whole 'with your dad' idk (When I talk to DS, I call his father 'daddy''

Me: Well, he's not my anything except ex

DS: So that's a no to ever thinking about getting back together? Not trying to be rude, just asking

Me: He's got a girlfriend

DS: What if he didn't? Sorry I'll stop. Not trying to start a fire.

WTF?? I called him because I didn't want him to think I was mad, but jeez. I asked what brought this up, and he said he had a long phone convo with his dad on the drive home from work. Said the X was asking about me.

I told DS that ship has sailed the X had the chance to make things right and he chose the OW. Then we changed the topic to the new baby's impending arrival.

I think he's (DS) feeling meloncholy because the baby is going to have a fractured family on our side. DS never talks about the break up he didn't want to be in the middle of it, and I respected that (after a few missteps on my part It made me sad for him, but damn...it's so out of left field. I'm feeling off kilter now

Matisse posted 1/31/2014 18:28 PM

I was in college when my parents divorced 34 years ago. I was happy that they divorced, while they never fought and were usually cordial with each other, the house was filled with tension. The tension disappeared when my father moved out.

Even so, 34 years later, I still play the 'what if' game once in a while. My childhood had married parents, my adulthood had divorced parents. I think divorce is more difficult for adult children, for many reasons. However, we are adults and we do adapt to the new family dynamics. But that doesn't stop of us from occasionally playing the 'what if' game when we see a photo of our parents at an young age, in love, when the future was bright and promising.

I think one thing children of divorce have to learn that at times, one parent will ask about the other one and there will be some longing for the past on that parent's part or a parent will post an old photo to Facebook or put it on display in the house, just because the parent likes the photo. It's nostalgia and something adult children have to learn not to read anything more into. Missing the past at times rarely indicates a parent wants to be married to the other parent again.

If both you and your X love your son and have good relationships with him, his family is not fractured. There's a new dynamic that needs to grow, but the branch isn't broken - its growing in two new directions. How far apart the new branches are going to be for your son, are up to you and your X.

phmh posted 1/31/2014 18:55 PM

I don't have anything to say, but I can give hugs.

(((SadinAZ)))

nowiknow23 posted 1/31/2014 19:39 PM

I'm sure his impending fatherhood is bringing up some stuff for him, and the weird comments from your ex may be stirring that even more for him.

((((SAZ))))

Amazonia posted 1/31/2014 23:41 PM

I've casually dated a few guys in your son's generation (and mine ) who have been the children of divorced families. Almost all of them have expressed at some point a concern for their own relationships, sort of that mentality of, "if my own parents couldn't make it, how will I ever know if I can?"

I think some of it probably comes from seeing how something that starts off so good can still turn so bad, especially when a long term marriage ends. I wonder if your son is grappling with any of that worry, intensified by becoming a father and knowing that any repercussions would fall even further now?

If it comes up again, you might talk to him about not just the mistakes his dad made, but elements of a healthy marriage that you wish you and your ex had been able to maintain, things for him to proactively focus on maintaining in his own marriage?

Not sure, just something I've heard other guys his age bring up time and again.

Sad in AZ posted 2/1/2014 00:04 AM

Yes; we have talked about what a healthy relationship looks like; he went through an infidelity scare of his about a year ago. Back then he was adamant that he would not leave her--she would have to be the one to say it was over. That worried me a bit, but it's his life, and he has to lead it.

This is actually an odd turn of events; I'm the fix-it person in the family. When he needs advice, he comes to me. Now it seems like he's trying to 'fix' my life. Eesh.

SoHappyNow posted 2/1/2014 08:06 AM

Our children, at some point, DO become our parents. The power grab frequently starts earlier than we are quite comfortable with having it start. Upon told of my upcoming marriage, my son and dil (who have been much too busy to see me more than 3 times in the last year) both said "but we hardly KNOW him!!!!". At that
point I just looked at them over the top of my glasses with a half smile for a few uncomfortable (for them) moments. They then started talking about how we all needed to start making more time to get together.

wildbananas posted 2/1/2014 08:23 AM

I think Gaby said it very well. Even the bunch, who has been cast aside by ex-asshat, once in a while will play the what-if game but I think it's more like they're longing for the intact family unit, not ex-asshat himself. My 14 year old banana has made mention of us being a broken family lately. I told her you can have everyone under the same roof and still be broken. Broken can be emotional, not just physical.

And I'll confess I've even wondered now and then what things would have been like if we had stayed together. I'm pretty sure I'd either be in jail or a psych ward by now.

(((Sazzy)))

Kajem posted 2/1/2014 08:54 AM

Sassy,

His world is about to change again. In a wanted and wonderful way! But it's still a change. Those damn coping mechanisms don't care about the reason things are changing just that they are.

DD being pregnant with DGD had her asking so many questions about me, XH, her as a baby etc-I felt like I was living in my past. I think she wanted validation that once upon a time her family life was a good one, she wasn't imagining things.

But it had me rethinking some things-that's for sure.

Hugs,
K

Crescita posted 2/1/2014 11:50 AM

I think a general love and concern for you both might lead him to think this way. Starting his own family, he probably worries he won't be able to be there for you two as much. If you were together he would know you both had someone he loves and trusts for support.

I highly doubt he trusts OW to be there for his dad. You are fiercely strong and independent, but you are his mom, he's still going to worry.

Of course his perception differs from reality. You know being back with your ex wouldn't give you the warm secure fuzzies. He will understand that someday.

better4me posted 2/1/2014 12:41 PM

Hope you are back on the road to feeling "on kilter" today, SAZ! ((( hugs)))

BAB61 posted 2/1/2014 23:31 PM

(((SAZ)))