Tonight I get a text from DS: So, what's up with your throwback Thursday picture :)
Me: I don't have many. So I have to use some oldies with your dad.
DS: Wow make that sound a little cold haha
Me: Um...what do you want me to say?
DS IDK lol it was the whole 'with your dad' idk (When I talk to DS, I call his father 'daddy''
Me: Well, he's not my anything except ex
DS: So that's a no to ever thinking about getting back together? Not trying to be rude, just asking
Me: He's got a girlfriend
DS: What if he didn't? Sorry I'll stop. Not trying to start a fire.
WTF?? I called him because I didn't want him to think I was mad, but jeez. I asked what brought this up, and he said he had a long phone convo with his dad on the drive home from work. Said the X was asking about me.
I told DS that ship has sailed the X had the chance to make things right and he chose the OW. Then we changed the topic to the new baby's impending arrival.
I think he's (DS) feeling meloncholy because the baby is going to have a fractured family on our side. DS never talks about the break up he didn't want to be in the middle of it, and I respected that (after a few missteps on my part It made me sad for him, but damn...it's so out of left field. I'm feeling off kilter now
Even so, 34 years later, I still play the 'what if' game once in a while. My childhood had married parents, my adulthood had divorced parents. I think divorce is more difficult for adult children, for many reasons. However, we are adults and we do adapt to the new family dynamics. But that doesn't stop of us from occasionally playing the 'what if' game when we see a photo of our parents at an young age, in love, when the future was bright and promising.
I think one thing children of divorce have to learn that at times, one parent will ask about the other one and there will be some longing for the past on that parent's part or a parent will post an old photo to Facebook or put it on display in the house, just because the parent likes the photo. It's nostalgia and something adult children have to learn not to read anything more into. Missing the past at times rarely indicates a parent wants to be married to the other parent again.
If both you and your X love your son and have good relationships with him, his family is not fractured. There's a new dynamic that needs to grow, but the branch isn't broken - its growing in two new directions. How far apart the new branches are going to be for your son, are up to you and your X.
Married: 11 years, no kids
Character is destiny
“The most difficult times for many of us are the ones we give ourselves.”
― Pema Chödrön
I think some of it probably comes from seeing how something that starts off so good can still turn so bad, especially when a long term marriage ends. I wonder if your son is grappling with any of that worry, intensified by becoming a father and knowing that any repercussions would fall even further now?
If it comes up again, you might talk to him about not just the mistakes his dad made, but elements of a healthy marriage that you wish you and your ex had been able to maintain, things for him to proactively focus on maintaining in his own marriage?
Not sure, just something I've heard other guys his age bring up time and again.
This is actually an odd turn of events; I'm the fix-it person in the family. When he needs advice, he comes to me. Now it seems like he's trying to 'fix' my life. Eesh.
***Used to be hit-by-a-train***
And I'll confess I've even wondered now and then what things would have been like if we had stayed together. I'm pretty sure I'd either be in jail or a psych ward by now.
His world is about to change again. In a wanted and wonderful way! But it's still a change. Those damn coping mechanisms don't care about the reason things are changing just that they are.
DD being pregnant with DGD had her asking so many questions about me, XH, her as a baby etc-I felt like I was living in my past. I think she wanted validation that once upon a time her family life was a good one, she wasn't imagining things.
But it had me rethinking some things-that's for sure.
I highly doubt he trusts OW to be there for his dad. You are fiercely strong and independent, but you are his mom, he's still going to worry.
Of course his perception differs from reality. You know being back with your ex wouldn't give you the warm secure fuzzies. He will understand that someday.