He may need more time to figure this out? Many figure this out thru counselling or reading books and doing the work...
It's pretty common for them to come up with excuses like you mention. He needs to dig deeper.
I cut my fWH some slack and allowed time because we didn't do counselling. Also I figured he was broken and had poor coping skills so I expected missteps along the way.
Some people do learn from cheating that they aren't cut out for it and will never do it again. I'm fairly confident my fWH is one of these so I decided to move forward with him.
[This message edited by whattheh at 6:24 PM, January 31st (Friday)]
The fact that he had an A is proof that there is something lacking within. If my fWH had all the tools and greater self understanding prior to the A that he has now, I doubt seriously if he would have had an A.
Also, I suggest that you emphasize change instead of understanding his why. Who cares if he knows why he cheated but just uses the knowledge to cheat better next time?
He hasn't done IC yet. He comes from the type of family and background that makes him think he is weak for doing that. I told him the exact opposite; it may make him stronger! He will do it if I demand it, but he should want to do it.
He hasn't done IC yet. He comes from the type of family and background that makes him think he is weak for doing that. I told him the exact opposite; it may make him stronger! He will do it if I demand it, but he should want to do it. Instead, he does read self-help online and such.
Gently...I believe you are putting the cart before the horse asking him to provide the WHY in 24 hours or else we are done. He needs IC. Reading alone won't cut it. It's a great addition but he won't get that same....push to greater understanding as he will in IC.
And there is no question - he will be better - stronger - whatever term you want to use - for it.
[This message edited by LA44 at 9:40 AM, February 1st (Saturday)]
There is great input from fWS about the benefits of IC.
But you need honesty from him, and he most likely experiences life differently from you - he may not have any way of telling you about his internal processes in language that you can understand.
An analogy: when we listen to music, I listen to melody and dynamics and pace; my W listens primarily to rhythm and pitch.
We hear the same piece of music in different ways. I can't predict how she'll respond to a piece before she tells me, because my sense of pitch and rhythm are much weaker than hers.
My bet is that you won't get much from his telling you why he cheated.
I call bullcrap on this:
<<<<He hasn't done IC yet. He comes from the type of family and background that makes him think he is weak for doing that.>>>>
I've read your other posts....
I find it concerning that your WH didn't come to you and "confess" out of guilt.
YOU CAUGHT HIM....
And I'm not sure I believe "his story" about him not completing the "act"...him getting nauseous...leaving and being so, so upset.
My opinion: If this is really what happened, and how he reacted so physically and emotionally: Why didn't he come to you and talk things out?
Something just seems "OFF" about his story.
So maybe this is one reason he doesn't want to talk to a counselor/therapist - he may have to FESS UP and tell you the truth.
But, I'm merely speculating because "his story" simply does not ring true to me.
[This message edited by Dare2Trust at 3:43 AM, February 2nd (Sunday)]
I can understand being alone; but I hate being with someone and feeling lonely.
I think the differences between excuses and reasons can depend on who is on which end. The giver or receiver.
I don't care why. I just care why not do it again.
I also don't buy the "broken" deal too much. Relationships are just loaded with unhealthy people. Some cheat, some do other fucked up shit. I hope most just want to get healthy themselves. Healthy attracts heathy and won't tolerate anything else.
Side note...I went to mass this morning and our church is offering a "Building Better Marriages" seminar that addresses healthy marriages and how to help through conflict. Has anyone done these or thought of it? I feel like I am almost excited to give it a shot. I told my husband and he said that it may be something worth a shot and wants to go. It meets once a week for two hours at night through May. You can go as often or as little as you choose. There are topics addressed and outlined each week, which we have the schedule for. Just wondering if anyone else has done this with or in exchange for MC? Downside...my brother and sister-in-law are one the host couples in it and we have not told anyone about this A. Ugh!