I didn't know to post this in the "Just Found Out" or "General" forum. I don't want to leave out other people's opinion on the matter, so I think the General is the best?
Here is my story.
Backstory. Dated for 6 yrs, engaged for 1yr, married for almost 2 yrs. Anniversary is on Jan 27th. I'm 32, she's 31. She got married at 18 and divorced at 21.
In our relationship, we've never had any big fights. We'll annoy each other once in a while or she'll get upset about something I said to her or didn't do, but we always talked about it and hugged it out and all is well. It's usually me being a jerk and poke fun at her at times for her weight or "treating her like a child" by telling her to clean up her mess(dishes/clothes) that will be out for days...
On Dec 1st, I come home from work and see her g/f and little 5yr daughter is over. I asked where's my wife and she tells me in the bathroom. I go in there and find her missing her pants and underwear, past out... I'm like wtf, what happened?! The g/f tells me, they only had a little bit of wine and not sure. I was pissed because it felt like I married an irresponsible, immature teenager or something. Anyways, they leave and I left the wife alone in the bathroom.
I slept on the couch. Surprisingly, she woke up on time to go to work, I guess the g/f set the alarm. She comes up to me and asks why I'm on the couch. I told her, I come home and find her half naked in the bathroom past out. I told her, I doubted her judgement, maturity and it felt like I'm married to a teenager, not a 31 year old woman. I also told her I'm still pissed and to just go to work, I can't talk right now, since it's 3AM in the morning. I could tell she was visibly upset and went to work.
I made a post on a webforum asking, "Would You Divorce Your Partner For Being Immature?" Just a general hypothetical type post.
She sometimes reads my online stuff.
She gets off work that afternoon and comes home. She sits down next to me and asks what's bothering me. I told her the same thing and she apologizes. She made the excuse she didn't have anything to eat and had several glasses of wine, then it all just hit her... She told me it wont ever happen again and saw my post on OT. I told her it was just a question for OT, no big deal. We hugged it out and it was all good.
*A quick insert here, since I just found out recently*
Sometime around late Nov, a contractor at work, asked her out, but she told him she was married. A younger man, that was about 10 yrs younger. She told me this and laughed it off. They never really talked much, just hi here and there from before walking past. Well, when she got drunk on the 1st, her and the friend went on "FB" and friended him*
I found out on night of 2/1 by talking to her, she originally searched for him for some time, while sober on Nov 30th. She then fiended him on FB on Dec 1, while drunk. She doesn't remember it for sure, but I remember and saw my timeline didn't add up. She says she does remember parts of it, but not 100% confident.
*Dec 6th, she has coffee with a guy for ~1hr.
*Dec 7th, affair. Was implied they had sex, but on night of 2/1, she tells me she knows they did not have sex for sure. Started off as kissing/ touching/feeling and oral sex may have been involved, not 100% sure. She doesn't remember.
*Dec 9th, affair.
Dec 11, she comes home from work and tells me she needs to talk. I'm like sure thing, what's up.
"I think it's time we go our separate ways..."
I'm like WTF?! What are you talking about? She tells me it feels like we're too different and we don't seem to make each other happy. She tells me I'm not emotionally supportive and feels I don't love her. I don't tell her I love her enough. I told her, I understand I don't say it enough to her, but she knows I love her and I feel like I do a much better job at showing it. She states, I dont even do that. I asked her so when I hold onto you, kiss you, hug you, cuddle and shit doesn't mean anything?
She then tells me she wants kids.
Before we got married, we talked about kids. I personally don't want any. She knew this within the 1st couple of yrs dating. Before we got engaged, we talked seriously about kids for a bit. I told her kids isn't completely out of the question, but the probability is no kids. She understood my reasoning, and she also agrees with them. So we decided, no kids and I thought it was settled.
She tells me she's been hinting at it for the past 6 months or so. I tell her, why would she not talk to me about it instead of hinting, with such a huge topic. I told her she could always talk to me about anything. Anyways, it felt like she was holding this against me and I had no clue. I know it has to do with her biological clock and a couple of her friends having babies recently or being pregnant. I remind her we've talked about babies before we got married and it was settled and she agrees...
She brings up my Divorce scenario post and tells me that has been bothering her. I told her it was just a hypothetical post. And we also talked about it and smoothed it over. I told her, I do not want a divorce and feel like we can make this work.
I asked her if there's someone else? She tells me no. I asked her if she's comparing me to someone else, and states no. In a million years, I never would have thought she would, so I crossed that off right away.
I tell her, her complaints, I can improve on bc to me, they seemed minor, but obviously important to her. I told her, with the kids situation, she has to give me a little more time to think about that, since I thought it was settled. I bring up marriage counseling. She was surprised that I would bring it up. She asks me if I would think it would really work, and I told her I don't know, but I an open to the idea if it will help our marriage.
She also tells me we don't have sex enough. I'm like wtf, don't blame that on me, I always try, but she tells me she's too tired, her head hurts, back hurts or some excuse.
She tells me in her mind, she was done with us when she came home, because she thought I wanted the same thing. She's been thinking about it for the past week and a half or so. I tell her she's completely wrong about that and I've always loved her and do not want a divorce. I tell her I know it's not going to be some fairy tale movie and takes hard work, but I will fight for her, us, but I can't do it alone. In order for this to work, she has to fight for us too. She states she fears we'll argue about the same shit and it gets better for bit, then happens again. Thinks its a cycle. Feels like we're just roommates and not a married couple. She tells me, she's doesn't know now and needs some time to process what I just told her.
She leaves for about 4-5hrs while I stayed home sick to my stomach.
*Apparently saw/talked to the guy briefly after our discussion, then went to her g/f's place to think*
She comes home and says ok, we can try to make it work, that's when I noticed no wedding ring. She loves her ring that I got her.
She had to work in the morning, so we went to bed.
Dec 12th, we went out on a dinner date. I was starving, haven't had anything to eat since I couldn't sleep and eat. Went to our 1st date restaurant, Cheese Cake Factory and had a good time.
*Affair once or maybe twice the week of Dec 15-21, she doesn't remember for sure*
Dec 17th(? Maybe 16th), , I come home and notice a scent of smoke. I asked her if her friend or her has been smoking. She's like, sort of... I'm like wtf does that mean? She told me she started smoking yesterday. I'm like why are you smoking? She blames it on the situation and stress.
I tell her how much I dislike smoking and how nasty of a habit it is. She tells me to be patient and not to worry, it's only temporary.
Christmas is coming up and I asked her how she's feeling about us. She tells me to be patient and she'll like to wait until after the holidays... I'm like ok, I'll be patient.
Had a good time on Christmas with my family.
I tell her, I would be happy to have a family with her. She's like really, you'll be happy with kids? I said yes, I never had a problem with kids, it was a choice.
*Dec 27th, affair.
Dec 28th, I hear back from the marriage counselor and she's ready to have us in. I tell the wife this and she tells me, she doesn't feel we need a counselor at the moment. This was a flag for me, but she told me, she felt we were getting better, and it did feel like that to me, at least compared to Dec 11th. So, I was like ok, we'll see how it goes.
She continues smoking. She's smoking on average 4-5 cigarettes a day, so about 1 pack per week? She was on her 2nd pack and I laid it all out. I told her I do not want the mother of my child to have lung cancer. I tell her she's aware of the health consequences and I don't understand why should would choose this way to "relieve stress". I tell her, if her choice is to smoke in life, there's only 1 outcome to this marriage and I wont be there to tell her to quit smoking. She tells me, she will quit after that 2nd pack.
I had to work NYE until 12AM and start at 10AM on NY day. It sucked. Not to mention, she started at 4AM on NY. Normally, we'll stay up until at least 12AM, have a drink and go to sleep together. I got home, kissed her and say Happy NY and fell asleep right away.
*Jan 1st, affair
*Jan 6th, affair
She still smoking and said don't worry about it, she will quit when she's ready. I told her I will not wait 2 yrs for her to quit or 6 months.
*Back story. She smoked for 2 yrs before we got together. She quit cold turkey that Dec, and we started dating late Jan. She told me it was a NY resolution*
I tell her, our Anniversary is coming up, if she has anything she really wants to do or plans? She tells me not really, so I tell her I have an idea, but I don't know if she'll like it. So I tell her, I'm thinking she can get a massage/spa/beauty treatment and we'll go out to Christ Ruth Steakhouse, where we had our wedding dinner at. She loved that idea, so great! I was going to surprise her with a new necklace too.
Jan 7th, she leaves town to visit family. We text and talk all the time when she's gone. Gets back on the 10th.
She tells me she will quit smoking on Jan 13th, when she finishes her 4th pack. She wants to start a new diet. I'm like go girl!
Jan 11th, she comes home from work and tells me, she bought Seahawks ticket vs the Saints for that afternoon, from her g/f. She tells me she bought 2 tickets. I'm like wtf, why did you have to buy 2 tickets? I have to work, so cant go. She tells me she can easily sell the other one on Facebook. I'm like that's a c*** move by your friend to make you buy 2.
Anyways, I go to work and text her when I can when she's at the game. I asked her if she sold the ticket and she said yep. Tells me how she regrets going though because it's pouring and she's cold and wet.
That evening when she gets home, I asked her who she sold the ticket to and she told me to someone on Facebook. I know this girl. The way she said that to me, it was just off. That's when I started to wonder if someone else was involved. I told her how it's been 1 month since she told me she wanted to leave, but here we are. Here I am, still fighting for us.
For this past month, I couldn't sleep, maybe 2-3 hrs a night. Worried about us, worried about her. When we would go out, I would have to reach for her hand. Before, she would always reach for mine or grab my arm. When we're driving, I usually hold her hand or leg and she'll grab the top of my hand, but she wasn't doing all those things. When I hug and kiss her, her arms wouldn't instantly wrap around me and I could see her eyes look to the side when we kiss.... I've asked her what's the deal? Why wont she hold me when I hug her, then she'll hold. I ask her what's she looking at and she'll be all confused at what I'm asking. In bed, I would always have my hand on her somewhere, but she felt distant. When we had sex, she just didn't connect the same as before. I asked her if she was disgusted with me touching her and does she not want me to? She tells me no, she likes that, but it doesn't feel the same to her and tells me to be patient. All the signs were there. I just read it wrong since I would have never believed her to be that type. Not to mention, with what she told me, I was very insecure and thought it was just me.
Jan 13th or 14th, she tells me she's going to try to win a pair of seahawks tickets for the 18th. I'm like sweet, cant wait to go. She's like uhh. I'm like wtf, you don't want me to go? She's said she had a friend in mind. Tells me I don't even like the seahawks. I told her, I'm not passionate about the team, but reminded her she told me we don't do enough together. So why wouldn't I want to go??!?
Anyways, it felt like she was putting other people first before me.
My instincts are starting to tell me there's a possibility someone else is involved. I remember a couple of months back, she told me a contractor at work complimented her, but he was like 10yrs younger and brushed it off. So I look at her FB account and see someone matching the description, but nothing seems out of the ordinary. I'm a FB noob, so not too sure with all the setup. Don't have a real account, just made one after Christmas because of my Kindle from her. Started playing Candy Crush Saga and wanted the extra lives and help.
Anyways, for the next couple of days, couldn't sleep or eat much. Had to go for a walk at 2AM to clear my mind.
I ask her if she's decided on a place for her beauty treatment, since that has to be booked so we get the right day, but she tells me she hasn't found one she liked yet. I know we've both researched a few location places on the computer together.
Jan 15th, I get home from work and she's laying in bed, I asked her how does she feel about us now, since it's after the holidays and when is she going to put her wedding ring back on? She tells me it still feels different and she doesn't know about the ring yet, but she's really tired and has to go to sleep and work in the morning.
Jan 16th, she comes home from work in the afternoon. She tells me she has to go shopping for a baby shower and meeting up with a g/f for happy hour. I tell her n/p, but I would like to continue off where we stopped last night. I asked her about the ring situation. She tells me she's just not ready for it. I asked her what's she waiting for and what will it take?
Then I asked, "is there someone else?" and I got the dreaded hesitation. My heart just sank right there. She tells me "yes". I asked her what does she mean by yes, as in seeing someone or what? She tells me she's been with someone for the past month or so. I asked her why she would do this? I thought we were making it work? She tells me he gave her attention and she liked it. I'm like wtf, what have I been doing?
Anyways, I asked a bunch of questions and was able to guess who it was and it was that contractor dude. She accuses me of FB stalking and I told her apparently I was right, so what! I asked her when is she suppose to see him again, and tells me later that evening when I'm at work.
For the next 30 mins, I was raging. Never been so mad in my life. I threw a couple of her gifts she gave me for Christmas at the wall. I berate the fuck out of her. She tells me keep going because she deserves it. Told her to get into a car crash and die in a fire. One thing that stuck out I remember is.
I told her she has issues. 1, she's lazy. 2, she quits when it gets hard. 3, she makes excuses for everything.
I also told her she was self destructive.
I told her, I was tired of her, "I don't know, and I know" responses. I told her, when she tells me she doesn't know, she does know. And when she says she knows, she doesn't know shit.
I told her, she can be a very negative person. She dwells on the negatively and doesn't see the good at all. It eats her up and that's how can see see/feel.
I had to go to work in 1hr, 30 mins. I'm like FUCK, so I call my boss and state, "I can't come into work today or for the next couple of weeks. I just found out my wife is a cheating whore!" He's like WHAT?!?! Btw, we work in the same building, different department. He's like I got this, take all the time you need. I also tell him, I know who it is and make sure that contractor isn't there because I don't know what will happen to him. She's right next to me while I'm on the phone. I call my grandma, because I've been talking to her and asking her for advise all this time. I call up a couple of buddies and tell them I'm getting a divorce and want to go to the bar after they are off? Tell them my wife is a cheating whore. They couldn't believe it. Btw, they are also good buddies with her. After hanging up with my 2nd buddy, who we stayed with for our wedding in Maui.
I throw my phone against the wall and see it explode. I sat down and just broke down crying. She runs up behind me and is crying and sayings she's so sorry. And tells me she didn't know I felt this way about her. I'm like WTF?! I've told you I love you, I've always been there for you. I MARRIED YOU!
In short, we cried for like 2hrs in each other's arms. I tell her we're done and she broke the trust we have. 9 yrs and it's gone just like that. I start the online process of getting a divorce and will stop typing after a few lines. She'll grab me and tell me to stop and wait a couple of days. She tells me she loves me, but I rebuttal and tell her no she doesn't. If she did, she wouldn't have done this to me or us. I told her she didn't know the meaning of marriage, that's why she now has 2 failed marriages.
More crying and holding. As the pure rage started wearing off, I was just devastated, angry, and sad. I apologize to her for saying all those mean things. I told her I do love her and want the best for her, even if it isn't me, I want her to just be happy. She tells me all she wants is me and this was a huge mistake. Pleas to stop filling out the forms.
I asked her, if they loved each other, and she says she's not sure, maybe. I told her, this is like that monkey branch theory. She had a hold of 1 branch, before letting the other one go. She says no, she wants to make it work between us. I told her no she doesn't. She only sticked around because she wasn't sure how she felt about that guy yet.
I told her again, when we first started dating, I told her, I valued trust and loyalty highly and she broke all that. I told her in a million years, I would have never thought she was capable of this. I told her I would have never done this to her. Even when she was gaining a bit of weight, I told her I was always by her side.
More crying and holding. She wants to pull me into the bedroom so we can lay in bed like we use to, it makes her feel comfortable. We lay down for a minute and I get up and try to finish the process. More crying. I've never cried so much in my life.
She tells me we can make this work, I tell her no, we're done. You've been fucking some guy for the past month. I asked her if she loved him and she tells me, she doesn't know.
Anyways, she pulls me back again and I don't remember exactly what we said, but we laughed a little bit in the mix too. More crying.
She's like, we can still have sex, which is great when we do, do it btw. And we did it, but she's crying here and there while having sex. We finish up and my buddy is ready to meet me at the bar. I tell her I'm going to be back later this evening to pack my stuff for 2 weeks. She has 2 weeks to move out. She can have everything, I don't give a fuck. If she leaves anything that's from her to me or for "us", I'm going to just toss it or burn it.
I tell her I will never forgive her or forget.
She wont let me go and tells me not to leave. I tell her she made me leave by doing what she did. She asks if I want her to be there when I get back to pack. I tell her it would be easier to pack alone.
I go to the bar to eat and drink and talk with my buddy. I get back home and start packing up some clothes, not sure where to head off to.
I see her MacBook and open it up. Her FB is logged on and I look for the guy on her Friend's list. I sent him a message on FB, "By now, I'm sure you know what's going on. I know who you are. I do not forget. -Future Ex-Husband".
Within 2 mins, FB started logging off on the computer, so I knew she was with him.
I pack up my shit and leave. Stayed the night at family first. Cried that night in my bed. Cried that morning in the shower.
Jan, 17th,I looked on the map where to run off to. I had to put some big distance before I do something really stupid....
I thought about going to Cali or Vegas, but I wasn't sure how the snow was in the mountains. I wanted to drive, not fly. I looked at the WA coast and WA has crappy beaches. I looked at Oregon and remember Seaside. Fun touristy town. But the wife and I were there a couple of Summers ago... Good memories, but I didn't want to be reminded of her, but that was the only place I could think of and I'm sure part of me wanted to hold onto those good memories.
So I booked a week at a motel and off I went on my 4hr drive.
I get to Seaside and pick up food and supplies, ie, liquor, to hide out in my room for the whole week. I turn on my phone and I get a text message from her at 11AM, saying how sorry she was for what she did to us.
She left a VM at about 4PM, crying tell me how sorry she was and know what she did was wrong. She just wants me to go back home and how she misses me. I cried listening to it, it was so heart breaking. I kept drinking.
There's a Justin Timberlake concert and I knew she was suppose to be going to it with her g/fs.
Anyways, I turn on my laptop and get an email from FB telling me she's at the concert with her friends with a cute pic.
I got weak and replied to her text.
"I've ALWAYS loved you despite whatever you thought. I will always love you no matter what. And I miss you very much too. It breaks my heart to hear your message and I'm glad I'm not nearby bc at the moment, I'm too weak to resist. So I can't come home. My phone will be off the majority of the time so no one will be able to get a hold of me. I don't want to dream about you tonight, but I know I will. Good bye, and will always be My Love".
"My Love" is a name/phrase I always use for her.
Turn off phone again. Drank some more and went to sleep.
Jan 18th, woke up and started drinking. Walk around and see all the places the wife and I been to from before. . I go to the beach and get some fresh air. By now, it's about 12PM. I turn on my phone to update my family so they know I'm alive and I get bombarded with text from her the night before. Asking where I was and she'll come to me right away. Tells me she's sleeping in my jammies to smell me.
After I get done reading those, I get a big ass wall of text right then and there. Apparently, I just missed the actual phone call. Basicly, everything I wanted to hear and I got weak again.
"I just want to talk to you even if it's thru text. I've tried calling but your phone is off. This will be easier written instead of trying to say it through tears. I want/need you so badly. When you told me on Dec 11 that you couldn't imagine a life without me, I truly didn't understand how that feels until now. I cannot live without you in my life. I hate myself and hate that it took this kind of an action to understand. I don't know if that makes any sense... but I do feel I know what marriage is now and how I want ours to go... I do not expect you to forgive me but I hope in time and with a lot of hard work on my part, I can earn back your trust. Instead of giving up at this point(even tho I would understand if you do) I want to build a strong and beautiful life with you. Kids or no kids, just you and me I don't care. I want to be by your side and you by mine. We will have our ups and downs, but I promise you nothing like this will ever happen again. I never want to hurt you ever. You're my life. My love, my everything."
Cried a little on the bench there. Took a couple of pictures on the beach and walked to my door and took a picture of it too with the doornumber. This may be the dumbest thing I've ever done, but I sent the 3 pictures to her. Within a min, she responds with, I'm on my way.
I go back to my room, not sure wtf I just did and started drinking some more. I got away to get away, wtf!?!?!
I fall asleep and about 5 hrs later, I hear a knock on my door. I open the door and see her.
We hold each other like forever and I asked how she found me. She told me for the past 45 mins, she's been walking to every motel/hotel until she found one that matched my door.
So she stayed with me from Sat-Fri. And we had a great time. Just like always. But we would walk at night and talk about what happened and happening.
She tells me she will do everything to make it work between us. She doesn't want me to give up. I told her before I found out she was a whore, I had 100% conviction we could make it work, but with what she did, I don't have that same conviction. She says, she's worried that I told her I will never forgive her, and she understands, but she feels she can prove herself and I will find a way to.
Anyways, I told her, #1, she needs to make sure it's over between her and the other person. Make it crystal clear, 0 contact. No FB comments. No, go seahawks text. NADA.
She also needs to tell her parents about what she did.
She needs to go seek professional help with dealing with stress, coping and just life in general.
I told her, I was worried about something. 1, she doesn't know what she wants. 2, she lying to herself. 3, she's lying to me. And out of those 3, #1 scared me the most.
I told her, we'll have a 3 months separation and see how she does and she agrees to that. I told her she has to always be honest with me and open about everything. If I have a question, she needs an answer.
We got back on the 24th and been working at it. I told her she has to end the relationship with him when we got back ASAP. Since we drove separately, on the way back, she contacted him to meet up and talk.
When I got home, she told me it's done with them and he's aware of the 0 contact and it wont be an issue. The night that I left and she went to him. She told him, I'm armed to the teeth and very proficient with firearms. Apparently, he's been afraid for his life after my message.
She's suppose to move out this weekend. She found a little studio.
So during our separation, there's guidelines in place.
At the moment, we're inseparable actually.
I told her I don't know what's going to happen in the future and if this will work, but she tells me to try this separation and see what happens. She wants to prove herself to me.
Btw, I broke a crown on the trip. Don't know if it was the alcohol or if I was grinding my teeth being so mad at night or whatever.
So broken marriage and broken tooth. FML.
Next post, will be about what we talked about.
[This message edited by UneasyFeelings at 12:31 AM, February 3rd (Monday)]
She told me, he showed her attention and she felt I wasn't giving her... I asked her, if she felt that, why didn't she speak up or make any attempts to correct it? I get the "I don't know" response. I told her to please stop saying that.
She told me she asked him for coffee and then the next day, they meet up again. That's how I got all those dates.
This was over the first 3 or 4 days together. I wish I wrote them down, so I had a visual calendar to look at. Instead, I kept it all in memory at the time. It's still very accurate, I just wish I had a clearing picture so I could ask more questions earlier on.
I asked her if she used protection during sex and she told me yes originally. I don't remember what else was said, but later in the convo, she tells me they didn't use protection 100% of the time....
So I bring up, we also need to take STD tests. I asked if she was with him the night I left. She tells me yes. I ask her if she slept with him, she said yes, she had 6 shots of whiskey and had sex with him because she thought it was over. She also tells me he nutted in her that night. I asked why would she allow such a thing to happen, she blamed it on the alcohol and emotional distress....
I then ask her, so she slept with the guy, stays in his bed until morning. You wake up, go home. And send me a text at 11AM telling me how sorry you are for what you did to us? Then getting a sobbing VM at 4PM telling me you're so sorry, you want me back, you just want me to come home, to please come home, while you're full of some guy's jizz from 12hrs ago? Does that make any damn sense to you? She says sorry. She had an epiphany when she got up that morning and saw that I wasn't home and was really gone.
So I bring up the possibility she can be pregnant and that worries her a bit. I see her clam up a bit, so I know there's something else, but she's not telling. So I asked if that's happen before and she told me if she remembers correctly, the 2nd time they were together, he cummed in her unexpectly. He asked her when was her period and next thing she knows, he's cumming. She was mortified, but that didn't stop her apparently. He said she doesn't have to worry about getting pregnant due to the time of her period.
But with the latest action on the 16th, who knows. She's a little worried. If she gets pregnant, there's an 98% chance it's his. I told her, if she is, there's only a few options for her. Be a single mom. Be with that other guy. Or hope something happens...I'm not going to be around for that situation.
Anyways, we were able to talk openly and calmly. No yelling. She wasn't openly telling me everything, so it felt like I had to interrogate her to get the answers I'm looking for. I asked her, if they loved each other. She tells me, he told her he loved her, about a day or 2 after their 2nd encounter. I asked her, how did she respond. She stated, she told him, "I think I love you too."
We talked about the separation and guilelines to it. I wanted her to prove, she knows what she wants and it's me.
One thing she hated to do, was tell her family. She doesn't want her dad to know, because she feels he'll see her differently, like a whore.
But she agrees she'll at least tell her mom about us.
I asked her, why would she keep having an affair, after what I told her on Dec 11? I told her, I thought things were going well or us for the past month and improving. Didn't you feel that way? She tells me yes it did. She wished it was always like that before. So I then ask, if things were improving, what's the reason for continuing on the affair? She tells me she kept going back to him because she felt guilty. I told her, that doesn't make any sense at all. She tells me she knows, but that's how it was for her.... What? Can someone explain this women logic to me?
Anyways, as you can see from my original post, we talked about 0 contact between her and the other person and she tells me that wont be an issue. He transferred location the next day, due to fear for his life.
[This message edited by UneasyFeelings at 1:16 AM, February 1st (Saturday)]
Check out The Healing Library in the top left. Good luck and know that their are plenty here to help.
I am an analytical person. I like to know how stuff works. What went wrong. How to fix it. And my attitude is, get it done right away, not sweep it in the corner like her laundry and let it build.
Yesterday, we went to check out her new studio and sign the lease.
Anyways, when we get back, I asked her, when did she add this person to her friends on FB? She tells me the day she got really drunk, when I was really mad.
I stated, so you think it's appropriate, this guy asked you out the week before, and know you SEARCHED for him to befriend him? I told her, remember when I got home and saw you past out. I told her I questioned her judgement and maturity. As you can see, I was right from the start. I asked her why she would search for him. She tells me she doesn't remember, she was drunk. She just happened to remember what happened and looked for him. So I asked her, so she was wanting to start an affair before I got mad at her? She tells me no, it was nothing like that. And she sees how wrong it is now.
I apologize tell her I don't mean to interrogate her, but she's shutting down when I'm asking these questions. She tells me we've already has a nice talk about this last week and why I keep bring it up. I tell her talking helps me, so I can get a better understanding of the situation. Why it happened. How it happened. It's also a form of COMMUNICATION.
I also tell her, she never told me details about this specificly, I didn't know that's when you friended him, but she swears she told me that and she starts getting really upset and cries.
I tell her, don't make herself look like the victim here. She got her riled up and tells me to stop doing that, she knows what she did was wrong.
I also tell her, her priorities are all fucked up. She'll come home and leave her mess, but lay in bed and play on the computer.
Oh, I forgot to mention, back on the Dec 11th, she told me, I had "high standards". I asked her what she was referring to specifically? At that time, she didn't have an answer.... I tell her I just have standards, maybe you have low standards. I expect you to clean up your mess, not be a slob. Take care of yourself. You don't even cook for me. I don't think that's too much to ask.
Anyways, I brought up the question of what she is referring to with my "high standards". She tells me, she hates when I get specific to a statement she says bc she can't figure out the answer to it right away like I expect. I'm like uhhh, you're the one that stated it and used it as a reason, back your argument up.
Anyways, I did my best to be polite and understanding of the whole situation. I tell her, we did have a great time at Seaside last week, but I'm afraid of it being a honeymoon stage for her. She tells me what she said is 100%. She wants to be with me and only me and will do whatever it takes.
I state, we should make our guideline list for our separation. I assume she would have taken the initiative to start it, but nope....We were suppose to do this last night before we went to bed, but when I brought it up,she said it was past bedtime...
I so lay down next to her and mention about her priorities again. I tell her I thought she wanted this to work and put our relationship as priority #1. Instead, here she is looking at her computer and bullshit. She gets irritated with that comment, but puts her laptop down and we start brain storming.
Love communication daily. (I love you)
Communicate daily. (how are you type shit)
Together at least once a week.
What would (spouse) Do/think , in/of these situations/scenarios
Open, honest, full communications, feelings. No hiding.
Tell her family
Now she argued with me about telling her family. On our first night together, she agreed to tell at least her mom. She didn't want to tell her dad. I said, as long as one of them know, that's good enough for me.
She told me after thinking about it, they don't need to know. Her family is religious, so I think she's afraid of looking bad in their eyes. I tell her I know it's hard for her to tell and it's not really their business. But you told me you would do this. You told me you would do anything, this is one of those steps to help you talk about hard things. Help you open it. Shows you're committed to the cause.
She says OK, I will.
She then tells me how she's been like this for 32 years. I tell her, so she wants me to be more open, but she doesn't want to herself? I tell her, she sets standards for me, but she doesn't even apply them to herself? I tell her, it's hard for me to hear what happened, but we're talking about it. I'm not going to put my head in the sand and pretend everything is peachy. It happened. I want to know why it happened, so we can both learn from it. I tell her I only want her, does she still want me? She tells me yes, only me. She tells me she's tired of talking about it and she's afraid of what Im going to ask next. I ask her what does that mean? Is she afraid to tell me something? She tells me no, she's just tried of being questioned. I tell her she brought this upon herself, but I appreciate her talking to me. It helps me understand things better so I can analyze it.
I also told her, how in the past month, during my "rebuilding" stage, I would ask if she's doing/feeling about us. Never once did she ask how I was doing. She's the one that told me she wanted to go our separate ways. She apologized for that, knowing the pain it caused.
I tell her if anything remotely starts like this again, I'm gone and you know it. When I left on Thursday, I was 100% done. I LEFT for good. But I came back, because I believed what you told me. Despite the worse possibly thing a person can do in a relationship, here I still am, by your side. I hope you remember all the good I've, we've done. I hope it counts for something. She starts crying. She says sorry, I don't want to lose you. I only want you.
We hug it out and I ask her multiple times, if we're ok, I don't want it to be like before. She smiles and says yes.
I'm still angry. But I'm not raging anymore. I'm angry at her, at him, at the situation, and at myself. Myself for letting this happen and not catching it sooner.
I am less mad overall though. As you can see, I'm the one that brings up all the questions, but she wants to move forward. I tell her, I only found out 2 weeks ago, give me some time to process.
I asked her how she felt about her new place. She did tell me, she's happy about it. She feels she needs the space. I'm like that's odd, I thought you wanted us to be closer... She's like stop that.
Anyways, as of right now, my plan isn't crystal clear. I would love for it to work out because I do love her very much despite what happened. I told her, even though I know what she did, the hardest thing for me will be letting her go, when I left on Jan 16th. I reminded her of that tonight.
It can go either way. If she fucks up, I'm gone. I don't want to deal with this shit anymore. But I told her, if this works out and we somehow survive this, we'll have the strongest relationship in the world and nothing will break us apart.
She told me as of today, still no contact between either parties and will stay that way 100%.
[This message edited by UneasyFeelings at 2:00 AM, February 1st (Saturday)]
So we agreed we'll have a celebration on the 31st instead. Dinner at Daniel's Broiler. She told me her g/fs and her went there for dinner before the Justin Timberlake concert and it was delicious. She wanted to take me there. Not to mention, Costco had a 20% off for their gift cards. Movie or whatever before or afterwards. I told her, I bought her a present, but returned it to pay for my motel. A little white lie. I still had the necklace locked away, but that's because I didn't have time to return it when this all went down. She told me no worries. She's almost broke too, since she'll have to find a place to stay of her own, lol.
Well, for the past 2-3 days, she's had a upset stomach issue. You can hear it gurgling constantly, lol. And she's been in the bathroom 3-4 times a day to take care of business. Sometimes air, sometimes the wet stuff. TMI I'm sure, sorry folks.
We bought a tuxedo cake. A tuxedo cake was our wedding cake. Anyways, we still went out to dinner tonight. Dressed up but she's nervous about her tummy, but she wants to go. She's almost done dressing and I tell her it looks like she's missing something and has a confused looked on her face. Then I had her the necklace box and she opens it up and see her new shiny necklace. Wish I could get her a bigger one, but hey, I might be going through a divorce here.
But she loved it. Said it's beautiful. Tells me sorry she didn't get me anything. I tell her I don't care about that, I have her.
Food was yummy, but after dinner, we headed straight home. Her tummy was acting up big time. But she told me she had a great time out and was happy, but disappointed in herself for spoiling the evening. I told her she didn't spoil anything.
I'm trying to be the better man and look past this. But it's so hard. May it be my ego, pride, or insecurities. I just don't have that trust in her. As stated, I know I'm still angry. I wonder if it's easier just to try and let go and fine someone with a clean slate. We have 9 yrs invested in each other. I don't know if I can let it go as easily as she did. The best thing is, we don't have any kids in the middle I guess.
I love this woman with all my heart. Before all this, I pictured us old together.
Last night (early Friday morning), when she woke up to go to work at 3:30AM. I woke up to and held her. I told her I was sorry for making her update by interrogating her, that wasn't my intention. I told her, with our up coming Anniversary celebration, I will do my best to keep the questions down, since I think I've asked pretty much everything unless they bother me enough to keep me up at night, lol. But I told her, I had a few more questions and if she's willing to answer them. She told me yes, and I asked and she provided. Honestly, they didn't really help me, but to know she answered them helps me in a way.
As I'm typing this out, I see something in my timeline and I would LOVE to ask her about, but ultimately, I know I'll get a "I don't know" answer. Maybe some of you ladies can answer.
She tells me one of the reasons for the affair was, he gave her attention. She states, they never had any sort of communication until Dec 1. Then had coffee on Dec 6. She told me, when she had coffee with him, she had no intentions of having an affair... I told her, to me, that doesn't sense. It sounded like you had every intention. She swears no, not originally. But when she went over on the Dec 7th, she did.
So in sort, it took 1 coffee outing to give enough attention to fuck her. Am I seeing this seems to be totally wrong? Like I said, I would love to ask her this just so I can argue the point, but I know it's not going to get anywhere, lol.
[This message edited by UneasyFeelings at 2:02 AM, February 1st (Saturday)]
Right now your priority is to get yourself to a place of healing. Because a person can not make informed decisions while their emotions are all over the place. The 3 month separation is also a great time for you to digest what has happened, work on yourself, decide what it is you want to do and prepare for whatever decision you make. I highly suggest you see a therapist on your own, for YOUR mental health, not for her or the M. Get your shit together and decide what it is that you want for your future. If that includes her keep a keen eye on her actions during this time. WS love to talk a good game, but actions do speak louder then words. What she does and how she attempts to fix herself is key. She also must be 100% transparent with you. She lost her right to privacy when she started screwing another guy. So don't buy any of that you "invaded my privacy" bullshit. Its just a big red flag that she is really not commited to fixing herself.
As for the OM, while I understand your need to fuck him up try and keep a logical head here. If you do anything to him the pussy is just going to call the police and have you arrested. I'm talking from experience on that one. I see from your posts that your all over the place right now. You have thrown out a list of demands and now its up to her to do the work. But what you really need to do is to prioritize things. Break them down into boxes. Box one needs to be completed before you go to box two etc. etc. etc. While you do this its also very imperative to prepare for whatever may happen. There is a good chance she will balk at your requests. And if and when she does you have to be prepared to pull the trigger on what consequences there could be. The ultimate thing you can do is D her. I strongly suggest you consult an attorney should it come to that. Line your ducks up either way this may play out. Don't be an asshole and walk away empty handed either. If she wants out she gets exactly what the law says she gets. No more, no less. But first things first, take some time and get yourself organized and together. Figure out your game plan and stick with it. I also think its a good idea that you insist she dump any friends that either condoned, assisted or were in any way associated with the A. If they are not friends of the M, they are not friends at all. Your just beginning your journey through hell. But your a step ahead of most folks who come here. Think logically and don't allow your emotions get in the way of that. If it looks like shit, smells like shit, it usually is shit. That's a good mantra to follow. Take things one step at a time and you will do fine. You have found a great resource by joining here. These people have walked in your shoes and know what your going through. Listen to their advice and keep reading and posting. You will find that the best knowledge here comes from people who have done things wrong, made mistakes etc. Most of us are experts at what not to do. Allow our failures to help guide on your journey. Welcome brother, I'm glad you found us.
I only have a few comments. 1) keep the hard line appoarch. 2) ask her these two questions. What did you think would happen if I found out? Where did you see the relationship with OM going?
Those questions will give you a lot of insight to her intentions then and now.
*Finding my strength*
I know this is only my side of the story, but I feel it's 99% accurate. The only inaccuracy will be what I was told by her.
I've never hit her before. I take that back. I've done "love taps" on her butt. I've "slug bug" her shoulder. I swear they are super light taps that a baby wouldn't feel, but she swears they hurt so bad.... Then she'll sock me randomly when we see a volkswagon, LOL.
She's also borderline a hypochondriac. Always complaining about some pain somewhere. She does say she has fibromyalgia.
Her right ankle has been in pain for the past couple of years and doctors can't find anything wrong. For the last year, the heal on that foot has been in pain too.
I forgot to mention, she started taking anti-depressant early in 2013. She didn't tell me about it until a month or so into it. I asked her why didn't she say anything, but I can't remember the excuse now. She said she's been feeling depress due to the pain she's experiencing and gaining weight. I told her I'm here for her. As of today, she's still on her meds. She says she's allowed to quit whenever she wants, but she feels it helps her still.
She has migraines too. So she has meds for that to prevent migraines.
I personally don't take any meds.
I remember something about the D-Day. Near the end of my rage questionings, she stated she felt bore with us too. I asked her, if she made any attempt to fix it or communicate about it? "No."
Anyways, during our talks the past couple of weeks, with me asking about her relationship. Basicly what happened, we've always done. Nothing was "special". I don't get it.
She hasn't moved out completely yet. Today was the first day we started moving this into her place. At the moment, I don't know when she will be completely out, if ever. We plan on having sleep overs at least once a week at either my place or hers. For all intent and purposes, we're still together, but not.
I forgot to mention, on Jan 17th, the day after I left. One of the text I received after I sent my, "I've always loved you..." text. She stated she's wearing her wedding ring and my ring on her other hand.
PS, I never wore my wedding ring. I don't wear jewelry. I work with my hands, so they get in the way. I hate the way it "clang" on things. I told her this at the very beginning when I tried it on. For whatever reason, she was upset about me not wearing it. I told her, I'm her man. I'm not out looking for girls. I don't put myself in that situation. I've never given her a reason to doubt my loyalty.
And yes, I am pretty stern about things. I don't put up with a lot of bullshit. Especially when I want something done correctly.
And 2yrsblind, I have answers for your questions. I've asked her those during our talks.
I asked her if I didn't question her on Feb 16th, would she have ever told me? She says she thinks so.... I told her bullshit, and she yells at me to stop doing that, LOL.
I told her, what did she think was going to happen if she told me? She says, probably something bad, such as you leaving. I ask if this was her way to sabotage the relationship we had. And she tells me no.
She told me she wasn't sure what was going to happen with the other guy. She stated, they never went out on "dates". I asked her about the seahawks game they went to and she told me, they went as buddies. Nothing like a "date" at all....
They would contact each other during the week or whenever and see when they could meet up. They go do their thing, then hang out for an hr or 2 talking or watching tv. Then she leaves.
I tell her, her actions speaks louder than words. They contradict what she says. It's always been like that. I'm not just talking about the affair. She'll tell me one thing, but do something else. I remember telling her that during the rage stage on D-day.
I've also received my paperwork for the divorce. On D-day as we were crying and I filling out the forms. We make pretty much the same amount of money. Anyways, what's hers is hers and mine is mine. So it was easy.
All it needs is signature and file. She knows that too.
Do you guys think this is a terrible idea? I'm going to print out my story, in chronological order as posted. At the moment, her plan is to try and stay at her new place on Monday night. I will give her a copy of it to read at her place, so she can see what I've been "venting" about. Also, my POV about what she's told me. How I see things.
Pretty much copy and paste what you guys are reading.
[This message edited by UneasyFeelings at 11:24 PM, February 2nd (Sunday)]
I looked at my timeline and see it doesn't add up exactly. Anyways, I asked her, when she was drunk on Dec 1, if that was really when she friended him on FB. I tell her I know it wasn't then. It was the day before she was drunk. So she was sober. Not to mention, she made lots of attempts to track him down on FB. She thinks back and doesn't remember this. I tell her I know for a fact you searched for him on that day. She starts brain storming and vaguely remember that it's the case. She states she just doesn't remember. But she states she knows for sure she friended him on the 1st.
Oh, she also told me she specifically remembers him asking her out on the day after Thanksgiving, so Nov 29th.
So I asked her, so a guy asks you out, you decline and state you're married. Then the next day, you try to track him down on FB? She tells me it wasn't hard to find him. I asked her why she would even do that. She can't use the drunk excuse, since she was sober. She was quiet and thinking. She told me she was just curious.... about him. I told her how that's so inappropriate. And she states yes, it is, she sees that now.... Like she couldn't back then for some reason. I asked if there's anyone else like this situation? She tells me no.
So I asked her, what was the convo between Dec 1st and her coffee "date"? She told me, nothing serious, just hi and go seahawks type comments.
So I asked her, why did SHE ask him to go out for coffee on Dec 6th? I get that stupid I don't know response. I asked her, as a married woman, does it make any sense to ask someone out for coffee, after he asked her out the week before? She tells me no. So I told her, your intention tells me you wanted to have an affair with this person from the start. She tells me no, she just wanted to get to know him....
Anyways, she tells me, it was just coffee and later that day, they made a time to see each other the next day, for Dec 7th. They were suppose to go out to lunch together. When she got there, he was showing her his place and they started kissing and getting touchy feeling. From what she told me originally, they had sex , but now she tells me, she's positive they didn't have sex. She knows they kissed for sure. I asked if oral sex was involved, and she's not 100%, but it's possible. I can't help but feel I'm still be lied to, or getting the "trickle truth". She then states, she knows for sure they had sex on Dec 9th. I told her, how she only met this guy for 1 hr and had "sex" with him the next day. What a fuckin whore. She tells me, how she was depressed and didn't know how I felt....I just see excuses and not the root of the problem. Ultimately, my goal is to find out exactly what's the problem. She told me, they didn't do anything different than us. But she did tell me, she NEVER orgasmed with him at all. Obviously, it must have still felt great if she kept going back. I usually make sure she gets hers. Hmmm. Apparently, I'm doing it wrong. But she said the sex was just part of it and they talked quite a bit. I asked her what they talk about, and she stays just general stuff..... Wow. So deep.
Anyways, I asked if still zero contact and she tells me that's correct. I asked if she's looked for him or search for him. She tells me she did recently. I guess it was a few days ago. I asked her why would she search for him. She tells me, she wanted to see if his FB was set to private or open. I asked her why? She tells me, because I talked about hurting his family, who are innocent. From earlier. I forgot to ask what triggered this "search", since I never mentioned anything since. I find that odd.
PS, When we were at Seaside, I mentioned, I've also tracked down his family and told her, I was having evil thoughts. One of the reasons I had to leave. I wanted to take out his entire family and leave him crippled. I had a picture printed of them out on the table when she was there. I told her, he fucked my family, I will fuck his up. What can I say, I was very angry and hurt. But unlike her, I know I was wrong and I removed myself from the situation.
I tell her, even searching for him is considered contact and I don't want her to do that at all and she agrees. Again, she said she searched for him sometime after we got back from Seaside and after their NC talk. I've told her, if for some reason he contacts you, or you contact him, I want to know about it right away. I don't want to have to find out accidently.
I asked if she misses him. She tells me, hmmm, yes, I miss seeing him at work. At least she's honest... I think. Can never be too sure at the moment.
Anyways, if I didn't happen to ask, she would have never told me she tried to look for him recently.
I don't know if she's intentionally hiding things from me and hope I don't ask or if she feels like they are no biggy and doesn't think about how I would feel. Again, I feel like she's not thinking of the marriage first or me.
Also, she's still having major stomach problems with the crapper. She's worried she got a virus again, but this time, it feels slightly different. The rear end is similar, but no vomiting and no stomach cramps. Since she's been ill, it also feels like she's not remorseful at all. Am I expecting too much? How should she be acting? These few days, as stated, I know she's dealing being ill, but when I see her, it's like nothing happened. When I see her, all I can think of is what she did to us. I do my best to be strong and loving, which is ironic given the situation.
I don't know, I doubted my instincts once and look at where I am.
Granted, I know we've had a couple of weeks to talk and "heal", so it's a start. Maybe I want her to be miserable? Maybe I want her to suffer just a sliver of what I felt. Does that make me an evil person?
Tonight, after watching the Seahawks win the Superbowl. She had to go to bed. I kissed her good night and told her I love you. She said I love you too. Then I tell her, "you're the only person I think about". But she doesn't reciprocate. I wonder if she or him had some sort of contact today due to the game, ie text and such.
I haven't asked for full transparency about her phone and laptop. I think that will be my next step to help me heal. But at the same time, I do respect her privacy. But I know I shouldn't. What is wrong with me. Damn it, why am I acting like such a beta right now.
I had a little chat with the WW today. I told her how I was still very angry, sad, and depressed, but I'm coping and trying to see forward a little.
I tell her, I think about what she did and did to us, every minute of the day. She acknowledges and understands.
I reminded her, how I took back my "I'll never forgive you" comment and said it's a step in the right direction.
I also told her about joining a forum about affairs and doing lots of reading and tell her how it's helping a little.
I asked if she's talked to anyone about what happened or how she feels yet, and she tells me no, not yet.
I also told her, how people in these situations have enemy of the marriage and such. I told her how a couple of her friends knew about the affair ,but did nothing. I told her how a lot of people will "ban" those people. I told her I wont do that to her, bc I know she cherish her friends.... I did tell her about full transparency and no TT. She was quiet. I asked if she has anything to say or input, and she said she's thinking. She then tells me how I've asked about everything and I told her exactly, I've had to ask about everything. You've never told me anything yourself. And then she says how she's tired of talking about it. I told her I'm not, I just found out a little 2 weeks ago. I don't know how long it's going to last, maybe a few years. I can't get it out of my head. Everything I see you or think of you, I don't know if I can trust you like before. She tells me with time, I will.
I don't know, reading her at the moment, it doesn't seem like she really cares about what she did. She just wants it to be over with, swept under the rug and forget about it. I said, I want to talk about it bc we're at this point, due you NOT wanting to talk to me before hand and making your own decision.
I also asked her if she could clarify now, what she meant by, "us being different", for the past month and a half, when I would ask how we were doing. She told me, she felt distant. I told her bc you were having an affair. She said no, it was even before that....Ugh.
So I asked her, how she felt now, does she still feel that way? She tells me, it's a lot better, but not 100% like the way it use to be... Makes me wonder why she wants me back.
So I asked if she's still attracted to me physically and mentally. And she tells me of course, so I guess I still got my good looks and charm.
I tell her, how it's always me talking and she never has any inputs with this.
It's ironic, because she said we didn't have enough "meaningful" talks. So when I try to about this topic, she shuts down.
Like I've said before, contradictions. Tells me one thing, asked the opposite.
Maybe she wants me to talk about the Kardashians, Bachelorette , or Bachelor instead?
Tonight while laying in bed, we had what I would consider normal and loving quality time. She'll lay there and grab my arm. Or cuddle up on top of my chest. Then she'll roll over and have me spoon her.
Oh, we also updated our guideline list.
1) Marriage takes #1 priority
2) Love contact daily (I love you)
3) Communicate daily
4) Together weekly
5) 0 Contact. No drive bys. No random texts. No searches. ZERO!
6) WW(J/B)D or think of this situations or scenario?
7) Open, honest, full communicate. No hiding any information.
8) Tell your family
9) Seek professional help
10) No smoking or drugs
11) Alcohol to a minimum.
[This message edited by UneasyFeelings at 4:18 PM, February 10th (Monday)]
WW went to the Seahawks parade with her g/fs. I get a new crown for my broken tooth. She spends the entire day with her friends. But she did tell me, she had a great time and it was lots of fun. She seemed happy and excited. I'm happy for her. Anyways, she was suppose to come right over when it was done, but it lasted a lot longer than expected. So she came over really late, but had to work in 6 hrs. Instead, we went to her place to cuddle for a few hrs before work. She was hungry and tired.
I told her, did she know the OM deleted his FB account? She tells me no. I asked if she contacted him. She tells me no, and should she find out why? Tee hee, what a bitch. I asked if she saw him walking in the store or sidewalk, what would she do? She said, "welp, see you later and leave". I told her, I dont even want her to say or even acknowledge him.
I can't help but think back when she visited him to tell him they are done(1/24). I would love to know the conversation of that. Because, all she told me was, "it's done." I asked her, if she kissed him, and she tells me no. If she hugged him, and she tells me yes, and it was a lengthly hug.
The WW came over after work to cuddle at 7:30AM for a few hours, since I started late. It was relaxing, since I didn't sleep that well during the night. Got lunch together, was meh but $$$$, ugh. Good times.
I go to work. The last few hours of my shift, something triggered me and I couldnt get her out of my head. Thinking of what she did. Fucking some other guy and leading me on like it was all my fault. Lying to me. I started thinking about all the I dont know and I dont remember responses from her. I know there's more to it. I feel it. Just like I felt there was someone else. It may be small in her eyes, or maybe she's trying to save face. I dont know, but I'm getting all worked up about it thinking of the unknown. Started to get distracted and can't do my job.
I'm starting to get depressed, and angry. I still love her very much. I know I do. But I can feel the anger growing about her. I realize this, and I have to do something quick. So I had to snap these thoughts out of my head and realize why I'm still here, because I do love her, and part of me wants it to work. I went and bought a beautiful rose for her. I had it close, so I could give it to her when I saw her later that night. This actually helped a bit. I didnt get worse.
I see her at work and first thing I did was apologized to her. She was confused. I told her, I was getting angry at her for what she did. I told her, I'm not sure what triggered it, but it just started building up, maybe it was the work environment or whatever. She tells me sorry and thanked me for the rose.
As I was driving home thinking about what happened, I start to realize, my anger tonight was starting to turn into hatred for her. I felt so bad, feeling that way about her. Just sitting there in my vehicle thinking, this is the woman I still love. I know what she did was wrong, but I can't be feeling this way about her. I'm glad I bought the rose, to show and represent, there is hope. I'm conscious of what I'm feeling. I dont want to feel that emotion towards her, so I made an attempt to block it. Quite proud of myself for that. But as I'm parked at home. I dont hate this woman, but I was getting close. I got teary eyed there thinking about that, I felt so horrible.
I gave my WW my timeline plus a 2 page ending.
Here's what I want to you to do. Write me the story of your affair. Do a day by day type book or a "timeline". The problem I've been having is, I feel you've left out details. When I think back, it infuriates me because I feel like I'm not getting the whole truth, but instead, getting a trickle truth, or the minimum truth. Especially when I get the "I dont know or I dont remember responses". I know you remember enough to fill in the blanks and get it started. I remember at Seaside, on either the 1st or 2nd night, you told me you didn't let him finish in your mouth. Yet, when we get home, you tell me you've swallowed once or twice.
Go over my timeline and add to things I missed. Mark things if I got it wrong.
Do a better job of explaining to me WHY you asked him out for coffee. Also, what made you ask him out for lunch the next day. What made you decide, I'm going to fuck this guy, even though I'm married. What you talked about during this time, to decide you want to have an affair. As far as I'm concerned, the affair started the day you searched for him on FB, AFTER he asked you out. I want to see how you justified having an affair, then continue to have it after we've talked.
I remember, you made us a nice Thanksgiving dinner and all seemed well. A little over a week later, you're fucking some new guy.
I know you've had to have talked about our marriage and me. I want to know what was said and when. I want details, not generalized bullshit answer. I want a convo about it the interaction. I dont want you to lie or bend what was said. I want the exact terminology used.
For example, On Dec 9th, I want to know, you got off work. Meet up at his place or whatever. You walk in and sucked his dick for an hr. Then he fucked you for an hr. Then you were in his arms in bed. You talked about the seahawks. You talked about how much jizz he unloaded. Some got in your hair. I dont give a fuck, I want to know. Then you guys had HoneyBunches of Oats together. Said how sunny it is. You light up a cigarette in bed. Cuddled for 4 hrs. I want to know your emotions as something is happening.
I want to know, if you talked about the future together. I want to know, what the discussion was about, what to do. I want to know, why and what you were doing at his place, after telling me you wanted to leave on Dec 11.
I want to know, what was said, on the day I left. You told me you were "drunk", but I know you well enough to know, you remember everything. I want to know, if you guys told each other, "I love you" and when. You told me, "I love you too" all this time, but were you still fucking some other guy.
I want to know, what was said on Jan 24th. All you told me, "It's done". That's not good enough. You told me you guys were together for an hr.
I want to know, why you told me to be patient when you were busy with someone else.
I want to know, why you would try to plan our Anniversary, doing what you were doing. Did you talk about our Anniversay to the other person?
I want to know, when you or he contacted the other, to set up a date. I want to know what the back and forth texts/contact was about.
I want answers to all the IDK and IDR responses.
I am making an attempt to heal. You've yet to tell me anything on your own. Instead, I have these gaps, where I have to fill in the blanks myself.
You told me, you'll be patient with me, but you barely lasted 2 weeks of me questioning you. I went over a month, sick to my stomach being patient with you.
I want to know what you thought was so special that you guys talked about. I want to know what "hanging out" means. You told me, it was usually a few hours together on average. When was the longest time you were together. Shortest. Why.
I'm TIRED. I just want the truth and the whole truth. Tell me your story.
I gave the WW a print out of everything above this entry. Before I did that, I asked her a few questions about the affair. If they did drugs, no. How often did they say they loved each other, only once at the beginning. If they talked about our marriage or me, only a little bit at the beginning. And she stated, she tried not to talk or think about us, because she felt horrible about the affair. Still wasn't enough to stop it apparently.
So I asked her again, why she would continue the affair, after we had our talk on Dec 11. I told her how I thought it was either the monkey branch theory. Holding onto one branch, until there's a firm grip on the next. Also, about grass being greener on the otherside.
She tells me, it feels kinda like grass is greener on the other side, but not really. She wanted to see what's out there. But at the same time, she wanted to see how things would work out between us. How can you concentrate on one relationship, that you supposely want to make it work, if you keep sabotaging it by fucking some other guy?
I tell her, she's back with me because I'm "safe". She tells me it's not that. She wants me back because she loves me.
Anyways, she starts to get upset and cries again, because I'm interrogating her. She tells me, she just wanted a nice quiet, peaceful day together, but I keep interrogating her. Of course I apologize and did my best to make sure she was ok and hugged it out.
But I do not understand this mentality of being on the fence, if you're trying to work things out. It's extremely selfish in my eyes. Deceitful. I'm getting angry again just trying to rationalize it.
I received a text from the WW a couple of hours after I gave her the print out.
"I love you. :-*
I dont realize how hard this is on you. I'm sorry I dont think I have been as remorseful as I should be. I am inside. I'm just so ashamed of myself and that's why I just want it to go away."
I replied with,
"Anger and depression flips back and forth daily for me. Its basically I cant understand it. I know I hear about it happening to other people, but never crossed my mind it would happen to us. "
"I wish I had better answers for you but I dont understand either. I'm sure that makes no sense. I never thought we would be here either. :( I'm sorry I get frustrated and impatient. I just feel like it's 2 steps forward and 3 steps back everytime. Like you're getting mad at me all over again."
In reality, I'm always mad at the moment, so I dont see how that's changed.
Now that it's been a little over 3 weeks and had some time to reflect. I find the situation a little ironic. I've been showering this Judas with love since we saw each other on Jan 18th. Tell her how much I do love her and hold her tight. Kiss her constantly. I feel like I've getting to the point of smothering her, LOL. But I dont know if I feel she's doing the same to me. Well, not to that extreme I guess. I know she enjoys my company and she's doing all the little things that I appreciate and notice. I dont know, maybe I just expected more appreciation.
[This message edited by UneasyFeelings at 4:19 PM, February 10th (Monday)]
A little update to my "blog"
Today, while laying in bed watching tv. She grabbed me firmly by my arm and held me tight. Told me, she loves me. And I do feel the love. I tell her, I won't ask her anything about the affair for the rest of the month. And try to give her peace until the end. But I also told her, I'm not forgetting or anything. I just want her to be at peace for a bit.
I showed her an article that stated FB leads to infidelity. She asks me if I wanted her to delete her FB. I asked if there are any mutual friends with the OM. She tells me no.
I told her no. But after thinking about it, I would feel better knowing it's deleted. I'll bring that up down the road.
I did tell her, I would like for her to get a new phone number. She was hestitant at it, telling me how she's had that number for a long time. I told her, it's not about her or the OM. This is for me. She understands. So we'll see how that goes.
I happen to go to my FB account and history popups the OM's FB account. I click it and his FB account is active again. Hmmm. I wonder if it was a glitch back when I looked at it, or account got recovered.
I happened to read an article, Understanding Your Betrayed Spouse - A quick reference manual for unfaithful partners.
Reading it, actually gave me a nice perspective, as a BH. I've alway felt off, when my WW told me, she was sorry. I couldn't pinpoint it. But reading this, gave me better understanding what I was feeling.
"APOLOGIZE: Actually, that should read: “Apologize, apologize, apologize.” You cannot apologize too often, but you can apologize improperly. Apologize genuinely and fully. Betrayed spouses develop a finely calibrated “insincerity radar.” A partial or disingenuous apology will feel meaningless, condescending or even insulting, particularly during the months following discovery. Your spouse will feel better if you don’t merely say, “I’m sorry.” To a betrayed spouse that sounds and feels empty. Try to continue and complete the apology by saying everything that’s now salient to your partner: “I’m ashamed I cheated on you and I’m so very sorry. I know that my lying and deceiving you has hurt you enormously. I deeply want to earn back your trust – and I want so much for you to be able, some day, to forgive me.” As noted earlier, right now genuine, complete and repeated apologies are the best “general use” tool you have in your repair kit. "
Reading that passage, may me so clear what I was feeling. I look back at my texts and VM from my WW. Here's what she's texted me for being sorry for.
"Sorry for what she did to us."
"Sorry for hurting me."
I guess, those message just felt hollow and shallow. There really isn't any meaning to it. What are you sorry for? I can see, how it appears my WW doesn't claim the affair, from her words.
When she tells me, she loves me, they are starting to feel genuine to me. I'm starting to believe her. But then again, she did tell me she loved me for over a month and was fucking some other guy and I had no clue.
I sent her an email of the article.
Had a trigger today. Got mad, then just depressed for most of the day. Took me forever to get out of that funk. I woke up and I was thinking about how the OM's FB was up again. I was thinking about maybe the WW should delete her FB account. But I know she's social with her friends, so that's hard for me to shut her down like that.
I get to work and I see a bunch of valentines shit. Then I see a co-worker, that's friends with my WW, who knew about the affair.
All that shit, just put me into a funk. My other co-workers could tell I was off. My WW happens to walk by and can see I'm off. She tells me, she's read about half of the article and will finish it up. Then asks me if i'm ok. I tell her no. Tells me, "she's sorry". Tells me, to go over to her place after work. I tell her ok.
Anyways, I had to get back to work and do my job.
I get a text from her telling me it would make more sense for her to come to my place and if it would be ok. I tell her that's fine, but I told her how I wouldn't bring up the affair for the rest of the month, so I talk to her about it tonight. I'll just write it down instead.
She responded by telling me, it'll be ok, we've had 2 nice days together and we can talk about it. She doesn't want me to dwell on it. That was nice of her.
It was a struggle to get through the day, but by the end of my day, I was feeling a little more "normal".
I get home at about 9:30PM and see my WW is asleep in the bed. That's ok, I know she has to work at 4AM. I'm changing and she walks up. We say hello and kiss. Followed by a "I love you" from her.
Spent the next several hours making egg rolls. Time consuming and messy, but man do they smell delicious. I hope they are, will fry them up in the morning and see how they are. If they are yummy, it's because they were made with love. That reminds me. When my WW and I were at Seaside a few weeks ago, I made us some sandwiches. She said it was delicious. I told her, it was because it was made with love. She laughed.
Today was a nice day. I started off the day by frying up the eggrolls I made. I was in a good mood for once. Smiling and laughing. Felt as normal as possible. I was giving away most of the eggrolls to family. The WW and I ate a few and they were indeed delicious.
The WW decides, she wants to make a little Valentines dinner for us. I really wasn't in the mood at all for Valentines Day, up until this point. But she was offering, so I went with it. So that was nice of her.
I went into work to drop some off to my boss. I was even smiling and laughing at work. Felt great. Genuine smiles, not the forced fake stuff I've had to be doing for a while.
Drove to my family to drop off their portions.
I get home and the WW changed the menu. She had to babysit for her g/f briefly...Or so she claims. Anyways, she brought the groceries to my place to cook it. It's mostly, just heat it up. Easy ready to go type of dinners. Chicken cordon bleu that's premade fresh. Bought some rice to make fried rice with bacon and fresh broccoli.
She turned the oven on for the CCB and put them on a pan. Then I was forced to cook the rest because "I know how" to do it, LOL. What a sucker. :(
Anyways, we had a nice time together. And again, she told me she loved me very much today.
Feeling more "normal" at work. Or maybe I'm just a better actor now. Anyways, today, for the first time since I found out about the affair, when I thought about my WW, I only pictured just her and I. Not the other man fucker her or she sucking his dick. I was quite blown away by this actually.
Anyways, I sent my WW a text message, " :-* Thinking of you, and only you" or something like that. Then she didn't respond right away. Next thing I know, "movies" of her fucking the OM and sucking his dick popped in my head. Shit.
She responds about ~15-20 mins later, with a kiss and love you response.
I had to respond with, "Nm, happy sad", and told her about the delay and that fucked up my image of her. Ugh, LOL.
Anyways, get home and Skyped her before she went to bed. It was good seeing and hearing her.
I was reading about the difference between reconciliation and rug-sweeping. I think I will email that to her, to see how I expect things.
Today is the 1 month anniversary of when I found out and left. I asked the WW if she knows it's been 1 month, and she tells me no and sorry.
I was in a funk today. Getting sick, head cold I guess. Which I caught from my WW in the first place. I've caught 2 sickness from her in the past 2 weeks. I wonder what else I've caught. Still waiting for my STD test. Thinking about the 1 month anniversary how she was pumped full of jizz by some other dude.
Anyways, I was on break and my WW just got off work. She spent some time with me today while on break. I told her I was in one of my moods and she says sorry. I asked if she's read my 25 page outline and she says yes. It's pretty accurate according to her. I also tell her to insert anything that I missed. Every encounter, even if it was just walking past each other. I asked if there's zero contact and she confirms still 0. I tell her how I do want her to delete her FB and change her phone number. And any other social website that's linked to her name.
I asked if she's read the 2 emails I've sent her and she said yes. I tell her, how she hasn't given me a proper apology yet. All she's told me is, how she's sorry for what she's done to us, and just "sorry". She's never said why she's sorry. I tell her how when she just says sorry, it always bugged me, but I didn't understand why. The email helped me figure out why it was bothering me. It was because just saying "sorry" felt shallow and hollow. There wasn't any reasoning or meaning behind it.
She does have her appointment for a referral on Thurs. Lets see what happens.
Later that day, I found out a co-worker is having similar issues at home too. When it rains, it pours.
Feels like we're just roommates and not a married couple.
I read everything you posted and see so many similarities to my situation, but this really got me. Before I found out for sure what my STBXW was doing behind my back, she had a breakdown one night where these very words were said. To say it caught me off-guard was an understatement as I thought we were making great strides together. I felt the spark was back more than ever only to be told she felt the exact opposite. My conclusion - a WS will say and do anything to transfer the guilt off of them and make it about the 2 of you, or even worse, put it on the betrayed alone.
I personally went from thinking everything was great to filing for divorce within a 30-day period. While it stings that she basically stated she didn't even want to try to R, at least she didn't drag me through limbo for weeks or months. Anyway, my point there is its amazingly tragic how suddenly your world can crumble and how cruelly you can be blindsided. You'll hear it time and time again, but hang in there, take care of you, and know we all have your back here.
Sorry for your struggles. I know how hard it is when you love someone who has done this to you. The doubt and rollercoaster ride is exhausting and you still crave their affection. But, that craving is often not the best reaction.
Tonight(2/18), I went and spent the night at her place. I texted her earlier in the day, saying I miss kissing her and if I could come over and get a real kiss. Anyways, we get up early bc she's heading into work early. I go on her computer to check my bank account for our tax refund. I noticed she searched for his FB on Friday, Valentines Day.
She gets out of the shower. I tell her good news, we got our tax refund deposited.
Then I asked her, "have you contacted the other guy?"
She paused for a split second bc that threw her off guard.
I didn't let her answer, I just said, "I want a divorce."
She's like what, why? I then asked her if she contacted the other guy. And she told me yes.
I asked her when and what for. She told me a couple of weeks ago, and then on Friday from text.
I told her to give me her phone so I can see the text. I asked her where are the texts and she told me she deleted them.
I asked her what's the point of giving me the option of looking at the phone if she deletes them. She tells me she's sorry, but they were texts about bitcoin and dogecoin.
I was like uhhh wtf. She said she had a couple questions about them and needed him to answer it.
They were strictly a quick back and forth, ontopic question and answers.
Then I asked if she searched for his FB on Valentines day. She tells me she doesn't remember. I tell her don't bother, bc I know she did. So she starts thinking about it. I asked her why. She thinks for several minutes without saying anything. I asked her if she loves him. She says no right away. So I asked her, if she wanted to see his picture bc she misses him. And she said, that sounds right.
I asked if she's seen him or talked to him, and she tells me no.
We were suppose to hang out today and tomorrow. I told her I didn't want to see her today.
I tell her, she broke the 0 contact rule. There's no simple way around it. You knew what the rules were in place. How did you try to justify this? Did you not think about the marriage? Did you not think about me? Did you not think about our rules?
I told her, how I was pissed the first time she claimed to search for his FB when she was afraid for his family. I told her, even searching is contact and she agreed to that.
How the fuck would I feel if she texted him?!?!?! UGH!
So mad. So sad.
She tells me, she needs help. I ask her, help with what?
She tells me, for what happened in December. I told her, obviously, but that doesn't explain this situation at the moment. She tells me she's weak, but she didn't contact him bc she wanted him. She claims it was strictly about the bitcoin and dogemine or whatever bullshit that is.
I tell her, to get rid of that shit. I don't want any association with it.
I ask her why does she keep hurting me. Why does she keep breaking the little trust she's trying to gain. I ask if she wants to be with him. She tells me no, she wants to be with me.
I tell her, I don't understand her reasoning if she wants to make this work. She's shooting herself in the foot.
I tell her how she was sabotaging our "rebuilding" after our talk on Dec 11, with an ongoing affair. How she's now sabotaging what little hope she has.
I tell her, I hope she has enough self-respect, common decency, and enough respect left for me, if anything did happen again, she would tell me. But told her how it was so disrespectful for having an affair, and not using protection all the time.
I also asked if she's told her mom yet. She tells me no, but she's been thinking about it everyday, not sure how to tell her.
I cried a little from being hurt again.
As we're leaving, she hugs me, kisses me and tell me she loves me, but I dont even reciprocate. I just said, "dont tell me, show me" and walked away.
I told her, I know for a fact, if she saw him again, I'm done.
But now she's in a gray area where I'm not 100% sure which way to go.
I'm going to try and recover those text to see if they are what she says.
Now, I'm at my place, wondering what to do. I have my divorce papers sitting next to me.
How would you feel about pointing her to this website?
I hate to sound harsh -- but you cannot reconcile a marriage with a woman who HAS NOT ended CONTACT with the OTHER MAN....OR with a woman who CONTINUES TO LIE TO YOU.
It is really that simple.
Your WW is still involved in this AFFAIR mentally and emotionally...and I'd highly suspect: She's still seeing the OM.
I'm sorry - but that's what it strongly appears you are dealing with: A lying wife who is still engaged in her adulterous affair.
I can understand being alone; but I hate being with someone and feeling lonely.