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watersofavalon posted 2/1/2014 01:53 AM

H and I went to play in a pub quiz with another couple of friends. I don't much like going to this pub - it's 'his' place, a real old-fashioned town boozer.

He usually pops in after work on Friday with work mates - they call it the 'staff meeting'. Now I know most of his work mates and they are friendly enough but I don't know how many know about his affair so on the odd occasions I meet them there I always feel a bit at a disadvantage. H never even went there with OW.

H is a different person in there - louder, more of a 'lad', he watches the football in there sometimes.

I associate it illogically with the man I perceive him to have been during the affair and the years that led up to it. For all of those reasons I don't feel all that comfortable there. But I accept that is MY problem.

H knows this, but doesn't quite understand, and has stopped going so often.

We had a good evening. Came second in the quiz!! But he did a few silly things - I tried to talk to him at the bar when I was buying drinks but he was busy laughing and talking to some bloke sitting at the bar and, as I perceived it 'ignoring' me. He sat at the opposite end of the table to me. He didn't talk to me or direct any attention to me at all. When we left he picked up his coat and left mine lying where it was so i had to walk round the table to get it. Nothing major just little things that hurt me. We got home and had a row - a proper shouting row. I wish it hadn't happened but I was stupidly hurt. We made it up after - he apologised but couldn't really see my problem. Thing is I don't really see it either when I am being logical. I apologised too. But I still wish I could have explained calmly.

He admits he is a different person in the pub but I can't deal with that anymore - I need him to show me and other people that I matter to him more than anyone or anything else. Is that pathetic? I don't know but I have come to the conclusion I can't go there anymore. it feels like hostile territory.

hurtingfool posted 2/1/2014 02:04 AM

I do not think that is pathetic at all. I think it's what we all want when we get married. I know I sucked at showing it.

morethantrying posted 2/1/2014 02:49 AM

I don't think it is pathetic either/ Part of what anyone in a relationship likes is for the spouse to show to OTHERS that we are important to them. They do this by talking us up around others, paying attentions to us and so forth. Perhaps he would understand if you say about bringing him to one of your ladies events but then just sort of ignored him, or didn't show to other that he is important to you.

Showing to the whole world that this person is important to me means something. Perhaps you can find a way to explain this to him. My brother often praises his wife, in from of her around others, about how proud he is of her and what she does for work and so forth. This MEANS something. She sees him being proud of her to the world.

I am pretty sure your husband would love for you to do this for him as well...

cantaccept posted 2/1/2014 03:38 AM

I don't think it is pathetic either. We all want to be shown that we matter to our spouse.

Especially after dday, every little thing means so much. Especially in public.

It felt to me that he could show me and the world how little I meant, now show me the opposite, show me that is untrue, undo the way I feel now.

The actions, consistently mean so much.