"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

brokenscared13 posted 2/1/2014 10:28 AM

I just found out yesterday that the man I have been married to for just shy of 2 years and have 4 children with has been cheating on me with a coworker for over a month. He would tell me that he was working overtime on the weekends (he works 3rd shift so Friday nights) and in reality he was meeting her at her house or at hotels to have sex. They also had sex and fraternized at work. We have a 3 month old baby and 3 older children. I have been suffering from Post Partum Depression and just recently began feeling like myself again. He says I wasn't giving him what he needed emotionally and physically. The thing that sucks the most is that the last month I had been working my hardest to improve our relationship and making an effort to change my attitude and outlook. He even admits that right after he started messing around with her he noticed a huge change in me and the effort that I was putting in to making our marriage better and it "made him feel worse about what he was doing but he just couldn't end it". I found out because I was using his phone to look something up online and she texted him saying "Love you too babe". His immediate response was "I'm sorry you had to find out like this."
He says that he will find a new job, change his phone number and block hers. But so far he isn't putting forth any real effort. He says he doesn't think it is fair that I am asking him to change his job when I am not 100% sure that we can works this out. I tried explaining that I need a show of faith, how can I trust that they aren't still screwing around if I know he can/does still see her at least 5 days out of the week? But he just keeps saying it doesn't make sense that he have to change his job and then I decide that I can't work it out. I don't know how else to explain it to him. He took time and money away from our family. He put his job on the line but screwing around on company property. He put himself in this prediciment and now I am being unfair by asking him to get a new job (which he could easily have a new job Monday morning). I am probably rambling and not making any sense at this point. There is so much and I just don't know how to get it all out. Pretty much I know her name, I know that she knows he is married, I know that she knows that we have children and that one of them in an infant, I know they work together, I know when they saw each other, where they saw each other, I know that she has kids of her own, I know that she is in a "commited" relationship with a man who is DYING, I know that she lives in the same City as us. I just can't seem to stop asking questions even ones that I KNOW I don't want to know the answer too.
And he defends her. I called her a homewrecking whore and he says "She isn't a whore".... Let's see she has a man at home who is literally deathly ill, she knows he is married and has kids, he told her that I suspected he was fooling around, (I confronted him multiple times and gave him multiple opportunities to come clean), and yet she still messed with him. The only difference between her and a whore is that she doesn't get paid. I am angry. I want to call her or message her and he won't "let" me because all it would do is cause more problems for him! She knows everything about me. I just want to talk to her and ask her questions that I NEED to know the answer to. I don't want to fight with her. I just want to know what makes a woman think that she can tear a family apart like this?! And he won't "let" me.... I feel like he is still trying to protect and defend her. Like her feelings are more important than mine.... He says he told her last night that it is over. He told her "That text you sent didn't come to me. ***** was using my phone and she is the one that got the text, so we can't do this anymore".... That's what he TOLD me he said to her. But how do I know he didn't just tell her that I found out and they need to cool it for a while until him and I "work it out" and things settle down here.... I feel like I am losing my mind.... I'm sorry this is so long... Thank you to anyone who reads it all and replies....

lilmonkey posted 2/1/2014 10:39 AM

Brokenscared13, we are here for you. Thank you for coming to SI to find help, you have come to the right place.

I am sorry you find yourself here first of all, with a wound so fresh.

Has he made it clear to you that he wants to make it work? That he is willing to reconcile?

"That text you sent didn't come to me. ***** was using my phone and she is the one that got the text, so we can't do this anymore"

Honestly, if he sent her that text, it sounds like he is only stopping the affair because "oops, my wife found out!" not because "I realized I messed up and I need to fix our marriage because I'm still in love with my wife." To me, it doesn't really seem like he is committed to reconcile, esp. since he is defending the other woman, refusing to quit his job and as you said, he isn't putting forth any real effort.

Have you two had another discussion about trying to reconcile? You need to hear it directly from him that he is 100% into rebuilding everything he broke, and that includes NO CONTACT with the OW, which means he would have to leave his job, as well as showing sincere remorse for his actions. Has he even done that? From the sound of his defence, it doesn't.

If he continues to act like this (defensive) then I say it's time to rethink possible separation. If not, and he proves to you that he is willing to make it work, by quitting his job, starting no contact with the OW, then marriage counselling (or even individual counselling for yourself, as you said you were suffering from PPD, this may trigger back old feelings) may be something for you to consider.

Just remember, NONE of this was your fault (even if he claims that your lack of affection pushed him to do it). He chose to betray you and break your entire family life. He chose to be with a whore (and yes, she is a whore) over you. What kind of woman leaves her husband on his death bed to screw another man? Terrible human being. You are more beautiful, better and brighter than her inside and out. Just remember that.

*hugs*

cl131716 posted 2/1/2014 10:40 AM

He says he doesn't think it is fair that I am asking him to change his job when I am not 100% sure that we can works this out.

He's telling you he is only interested in fixing himself IF you agree to work things out. He should be fighting for you right now. There shouldn't be any hesitation to change jobs if he was really remorseful.

If HE wants your marriage then he needs to find another job, send her a NC letter, and get into IC. His bullshit excuse of you not giving him what he needed emotionally and physically is just that, an excuse! You just had a baby!!! You have three other children at home! It's completely understandable you couldn't give 100% physically and emotionally right now. If he was any sort of a man he would get that and do everything he could to help ease the burden, not run off and cheat because his selfish needs aren't getting met. I'm angry for you! His behavior is absolutely disgusting and now he has the balls to say he isn't willing to take any steps unless he knows YOU are willing to work things out???

(((brokenscared13)))

hopingforhappy posted 2/1/2014 11:03 AM

brokenscared13, first of all hugs to you! I am sorry that you find yourself in this position. It truly sucks. But, you sound like a strong woman (you would have to be to be raising 4 little ones!) and you are on the right track. So here is my advice:

1. Do not call the OW. She will not tell you the truth and she most likely will say a lot of things designed to hurt you. You have enough hurt to deal with right now. She is not going to give you the answers that you need.

2. Are you sure that her BBF is really dying? It is very common for OW to make up stories about their BS in order to gain sympathy from your WS. A very common one is that their BS is abusive or violent. If you are not sure, I would go ahead and contact her BBF and let him know what is going on. It is one of the surest ways to put an end to the fantasy land that they have been living in.

3. Your WH needs to write a NC letter that you get to see and approve and then send it together. Send it by mail by a method that requires her to sign for it. That way, you can be sure that she received it.

4. WH should definitely change jobs, especially if it will be easy for him to find a new one. He is still in the fog and being around her is too great a risk, not to mention too much for you to handle, worrying about what he is doing every day when he goes off to work.

Your WH needs to get on board with these things. Just because he is still defending her right now does not mean there is no hope for him. It takes some time for the fog to clear sometimes. But you need to set out your requirements and stick by them. Go see a lawyer to understand what your rights are--it is empowering. Focus on taking care of yourself and your beautiful babies. Keep posting, too!

brokenscared13 posted 2/1/2014 11:15 AM

He hasn't said he wants to reconcile. He just keeps telling me that ultimately it is up to me and if I had been the one to cheat on him he would walk out the door without a second glance. I know he won't go along with the NC letter. He will flat out refuse. I know that without a doubt. He isn't appologetic persay... Just keeps saying "I'm sorry you had to find out like this"... He even admitted that if I had not caught him that it would have continued indefinitely. He tries to make it seem like him lying about the affair was to protect me. He "didn't want to hurt me".... He has not taken responsibility for cheating. He admits he was being selfish. Everything he says and does is so conflicting...

totallyconfused1 posted 2/1/2014 11:49 AM

Everything he says and does is so conflicting

Don't believe what he's saying. His actions are definitely not conflicting. His actions are saying he's a selfish jerk who has something to hide still.

Don't listen to him. You are so confused and upset, he's going to twist things around and manipulate the situation to make you look at fault, making excuses.

Go with what you see him doing. And right now, that's nothing to try and save this marriage. Actions speak louder than words.

I'm sure one of the veterans on here will post links to some of the good threads - but check out the healing library and read. Especially about the 180.

Sorry you are here, going through this with a new baby as well.

hopingforhappy posted 2/1/2014 12:20 PM

So, you have a choice to make at this point. Do you want to have three people in your M? You don't sound like the kind of woman who would put up with that. You do, however, have four kids to consider. I would recommend that you make an appointment with a lawyer for a consult. Many do it without charge. Find out what your rights are and where you would be if you decide to D. Do you have any good friends or family nearby that you can rely on for help? Now is the time to call on them.

Read up on the 180 and implement that. It sounds from what you are saying that he may want out of the M (or at least he thinks that right now), but doesn't have the guts to be the one to pull the trigger. Sometimes they want you to throw them out so they can look like less of a bad guy. You have to decide how you feel about that. Maybe you are perfectly comfortable hefty-bagging his stuff. Maybe you would like to give it some time to get your ducks in a row and see how things shake out. If you can get an IC appointment for yourself, I would highly recommend it. You need all the support you can get right now.

I am so sorry that you are going through this. Try to focus on yourself and your children. He does not deserve even one moment of your time right now, not until he is willing to do what it takes to work on your M. If he wants out, he should be a man and leave. He didn't want to hurt you? What a load of baloney. He was not thinking of you, or your children--only himself.

norabird posted 2/1/2014 23:55 PM

Ugh yes I so agree with the observation that there is no conflict here. Everything you say he has done screams 'I have no remorse or conscience, I'm annoyed at being bothered by this, just let me keep eating my cake.' I am so sorry but you have to stop looking for what you want to see and accept what he is showing you with his disrespectful choices.... Yes, it is a terrible situation to be in, but if you can at least know how awful it really is, then and only then can you start acting in your own best interests. The BS have their own fog where they are so keen on getting real remorse that they will give credit where none is due unfortunately

It is time to get a little knowledge is power mojo and see a lawyer for a consult. You have to be willing to lose the marriage--if he is going to act like this, he's not worth being with. Try your best to take care of yourself and know how much better you deserve. ((((Hugs))))

Hurthalo posted 2/2/2014 01:03 AM

One of them needs to move from the workplace, and at the least, their management needs to be informed. Especially noting it's likely that they are persuing this/taking time off on the work clock.

My WW was having an affair with a guy she was working with who sat 1m away from her. There was some hesitation there for a week or so when I told her that I would not even attempt to reconcile under their work arrangements at the time...they were split and my wife worked remotely until he moved on.

Also, instigate the NC letter immediately or else you walk. I would really love to tell you to inform her husband, but I really don't know if I could noting he seems to be termimally ill. My WW sent him an NC email and he tried to break it a number or times but ultimately failed. Read up on the 180 and implement it asap. Don't let him cake eat.

[This message edited by Hurthalo at 1:04 AM, February 2nd (Sunday)]

brokenscared13 posted 2/5/2014 06:16 AM

Well shit really hit the fan Sunday. We got into an argument and he turned around and compared me to his little homewrecking whore. I had just finished changing the babies diaper so I threw the diaper and my phone at him and he called the cops and tried to have me arrested for assault. I called my mom to come pick up my son since legally he can't stay with J if I were to go to jail. The officers showed up a few minutes ahead of my mom. One stayed outside with J while I was inside with the kids. He asked what happened I told him we had gotten into an argument and that J compared me to the filthy whore he had been cheating on me with and I lost my temper and threw a diaper and phone at him. I didn't end up getting arrested. However I did go to my parents house for the night with all of the kids. I had to fight to be able to take MY vehicle which he isn't even licensed to drive. He hid my keys. The cop had to lecture him about how immoral it was that here I was leaving with his children and he wouldn't even give me my vehicle to get them where the need to be etc.... So he finally handed over the keys. He then spent the rest of the day and night blowing up my texts telling me how sorry he his etc... I had to come back to the house Monday because I can't have my oldest daughter missing a ton of school and he has been trying to butter me up left and right. He quit his job and started a new one yesterday. He keeps talking about "us" this and "we" that but I told him I'm not trying to be rude but I am nowhere near that point. Right now everything is ONLY about the kids.... Every time I close my eyes or am alone all these thoughts run through my head. I can't even remotely think about him touching me because all I see when I look at him is him layed up between that whores legs in a hotel bed and then coming home to me. Oh and I caught him in more lies. First he told me they ALWAYS used condoms, the other day I was talking about how I have HPV (cervical cancer, he would just be a carry wouldn't affect him) and he flipped out because he had forgot. I told him it doesn't affect him and he still looked extremely concerned so I said "Unless you're lying to me and you didn't really use condoms" so he finally admitted that they only used condoms occasionally.... I also asked him if he had gone down on her and he said yes. I said so you went down on her and then came home and kissed me?! He says I brushed my teeth first I'm not an asshole.... :( really?! So when I was in the bathroom getting stuff for the kids and I to stay at my parents as I was grabbing our tooth brushes that conversation ran through my mind.... I may have swished his toothbrush around in the toilet water while thinking "Brush your teeth now asshole"..... Eventually I will replace his tooth brush.... But not quite yet.... I don't know if we can ever get past this. I am just way to hurt and upset right now...

forwardfromhere posted 2/5/2014 06:44 AM

I'm so sorry. I'm a few days out, too, and I can't thank you enough for the toilet bowl toothbrush. Its the first time I have laughed. You go!

shiloe posted 2/5/2014 06:58 AM

And he defends her. I called her a homewrecking whore and he says "She isn't a whore"....

He is delusional, MW meeting MM for sex, yeah, whore. Mine was doing the same thing and he said:
She is a good Christian.

Do not trust your WH at all. He is in damage control mode only right now.
Guard your assets.

he called the cops and tried to have me arrested for assault.

He maybe trying to set you up and go after custody and paint you as an unstable mother.
Realize they may have been planning against you for a while now.

His loyalties are with the OW.

Be careful.

[This message edited by shiloe at 6:59 AM, February 5th (Wednesday)]

brokenscared13 posted 2/5/2014 08:10 AM

Oh I don't doubt for an instant that they have been planning for a while. And I wish I could have done more than just dip his toothbrush in the toilet... But let me tell you I have had a giggle each time I've walked into the bathroom the last couple days and seen that it was recently used
It's the only bit of payback I can get right now :)

brokenscared13 posted 2/5/2014 08:13 AM

Oh and I know she had hopes of being more than just is side hoe. She wanted everything. She lives in a rented house in the hood. Lol I live in a trailer in a nice area. We live in the same county/city but very very different areas. My kids go to a good school and we have good neighbors (with a couple exceptions). Little does she know I bought this trailer with my inheritance and there is no way he was getting it. I also have 4 children so I would have gotten the house by default. Still trying to find out who her husband/boyfriend is... He has as much right to know as I do... I would hope if the rolls were reversed he would try and find me to let me know.

kalimata posted 2/5/2014 08:53 AM

Broken:

So sorry you are here. You need to implement a few things in order to turn things around. Here is what I suggest

1) Notify the HR department of the place he used to work at. Show them any evidence you have. They will initiate an investigation and she will probably get fired.
2) Contact OW's husband and let him know what his filthy wife has been up to. As others said earlier, don't assume he is on his death bed. Contact him directly (best face to face) and in a way that can't be intercepted.
3) Continue to expose the affair to other friends who are close to you both (friends, family, pastor). Ask them for help in saving the marriage. Don't warn anyone you are going to do this, just go ahead and do it unannounced to avoid damage control. Post the piece of shyte OW on cheaterville.com.
4) Install a spyware app on his phone to monitor his activities. there are several good ones designed to monitor teens. If you can install a keylogger on the home computer. Get a couple of Sony VARs and hide them around the house and in his car so you can keep track of who he is talking to. Activate the track GPS feature on his phone.
5) Go see a lawyer and have D papers drawn up.

If he doesn't come back to you begging and pleading to be taken back, then go ahead and file