Once his halo is removed and our families and friends find out what a "monster" he is- it makes me worried about how he's going to cope!! Obviously-- he's weak and damaged!! He always told me- if we get divorced "he'd be devastated!!" Which I really have no doubt!! Too bad that he didn't think about that beforehand!! What about his Life Ins policies?
Should I be worried?
[This message edited by mj052 at 11:09 AM, February 1st (Saturday)]
However, just to protect myself (from any future guilt I would possibly feel - no matter how unfounded) - I learned to control my sharp tongue. I have the ability to give quite a verbal lashing to him and have in the past expressed what a putrid, disgusting, worthless piece of garbage he is
Not that it wasn't deserved (or true) but I didn't need to be verbally abusive or sink to his levels of lowliness. Plus he couldn't blame me (directly) for feeling like a shitbag - nope, just his own behavior.
I absolutely vent those feelings on here and to a couple of very close friends though.
When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE him.
OC born 2001
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)
I kind of brushed them off, then he sent a picture of a gun to his head and asked if we wanted him to do it. I think she had been emailing back and forth with him, but I didn't respond. I did call the police though.
He now claims he wasn't suicidal, just very depressed. I told him he didn't get the luxury of putting that on me, which is why I called for help.
I felt totally manipulated by him that day and made it clear to him that whether he wants to do it or not in the future, I don't care to know beforehand. I'd rather find out afterwards along with everyone else.
That said, I didn't read you as saying that you STBX is suicidal or has necessarily threatened in the past-- but that you are projecting ahead and wondering if this should be something you need to be worried about.
Personally, I used to wonder the same thing. But it turns out that X is maybe not "great" but he's certainly "fine" and functioning. Nowhere near suicide. I may think he should be suicidal given the pain he should be in at the loss of our M (and being in that amount of pain would maybe begin to scratch the surface of how I felt this past year)... but the bottom line is, by and large, these cheaters are stunningly selfish and narcissistic.
With that in mind, I don't think many WS are suicidal precisely because then they might end up hurting the person who counts the most in this scenario: themselves.
[This message edited by PhantomLimb at 12:01 PM, February 1st (Saturday)]
Double Betrayal D-Day 7/26/2013
If he's threatening suicide, call the police. They will lock him up in the psych unit for 24-48 hours for an evaluation. If he's serious, he'll get the help he needs. If he's fishing for sympathy, he won't do it again.
I would say if you hear him say it explicitly I would call 911 and report it. That way you aren't looked at as an accessory helping him commit. Dnt let him blame you either - it's a cowards way out of facing the realities of their mistakes.
When I started getting healthy is when I told him, after yet another dramatic incident in which I feared for his life AND he was carrying on IN FRONT OF THE CHILDREN, I told him I would be calling 911 and letting the mental health professionals handle him. I told him if he EVER threatened, talked about, ideated or appeared seriously depressed again I would be calling 911.
He never again pulled the suicide card. I saw with total clarity how he had been playing me all along.
I quietly talked to his BFF (who I'd thought was also my friend) and told him to keep an eye on XH. The BFF said something along the lines of XH would never commit suicide.
To XH I said something along the lines of "like your A, that's yet another unilateral decision on your part". FTG. My XH was trying to keep me hostage emotionally.
Some WW's prolly do mean it, but generally, I think it's a means of blackmail.
However, I would not hesitate to call the police if he or anyone else threatened to kill themselves.
Me: FBS (no longer betrayed nor a spouse)-62
D-day: 2007 (two years before finding SI)
S: 6/2010; D: 3/2011
The Princess, on the other hand, would pout whenever we couldn't afford something, and would say, "I hate my life!" As a result, I was secretly worried that she would kill herself, which is why I kept my business problems a secret for three years, until it overtook me - and I thought I had no other choice but to kill myself.
So if your WH has ever expressed a desire to kill himself, it MAY not be true. But if he is just quietly burying his worries and dread, it may be something to worry about.
Of course, there are also other people who bury their feelings and DON'T attempt suicide, so you really can't say. If you are genuinely worried he may do it, have someone else reach out to him, a brother or close friend. That way, you're not getting entangled if it IS just him playing chicken with you.
The most important thing is that people who really want to kill themselves are very crafty about hiding it. If something were to happen - and you were to miss it - you should not feel to blame.
The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous!
Among the most important things I've learned on SI,two things stand out -- you can't ever really know what someone is thinking, and you are not in control of, or responsible for, what someone else does.
If you get the gut feeling this is happening - call the cops. Until then - don't go looking for trouble...