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Polygraph forces truth

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Lmw9808 posted 2/1/2014 11:32 AM

My lies are finally out. Is it through my own admission? No. It is because my BS demanded a polygraph. It took this drastic step to get me to let go of my previous bad behavior. It took 8 months of working through the initial confession of my 5 year LTA. Now I have come clean about two other ONS and kissing other women in bars. The first ONS was with an EX when we first started dating so I have been lying my entire 24 year relationship. It does feel good to have it all out and be able to have a clean starting point to truly rebuild. It has also forced me to face the fact that I am a serial liar and cheater. I was not even honest with my IC. It is very difficult to look at myself and see how truly horrible I have been. Boundaries are a serious issue for me. I have shielded myself from reality behind my own lies, blame shifting, and deflection. My lies have been filling my heart blocking any chance of real connection. I held them so tight now seeing they are actually causing me harm. I have not fully considered the needs of my BS. I have not considered how my actions would hurt BS. I have so much work to do to be a safe person.

Deeply Scared posted 2/1/2014 16:47 PM

My lies have been filling my heart blocking any chance of real connection. I held them so tight now seeing they are actually causing me harm.

I'm happy to read that you've has this drastic realization...that's a wonderful step forward. The work you have in front of you will be long and lonely, but the end result is a much deeper and more fulfilling life you can lead

How is your BS feeling about all of this?

Lmw9808 posted 2/3/2014 07:55 AM

My BS is deeply hurt. By not being honest with the full truth at the beginning I have set our recovery back. Hopefully I have not destroyed any chance of recovery. She is still allowing me to be in her life but if I don't make some serious changes I know it will not be for long. She is an incredible person to even give me any chance at all. My BS is the one who has helped me to figure out many of my issues as we work through my infidelity.
In the past 8 months I feel I have peeled off the first layer of the onion of my personal issues. Now I am into the next layer and really at the core of my relationship/personality issues.

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