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Newest Member: nashter (45713)

User Topic: Underground
IamDyingInside
♀ 41054
Member # 41054
Default  Posted: 11:32 AM, February 1st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have seen several posts here and there referring to " taking the A underground". Does this mean the WH/WW have just gotten a lot better at hiding things? That is what I understand it to be from reading and that seems to be what I am now focussed on the most. So afraid I will be "the fool" again! Logically, I tell myself it's not happening because I have not found anything but emotionally, I can't trust my logic. Does that make sense? I cant say he does everything right but I do see he is trying. I am just scared to death of this "underground" thing, it is sort of haunting me right now. Anybody else think about this as often as I have been lately?


Me: BW (41)
Him: WH (41)
2 Daughters - 20 and 16
Married 19 years, together 24 years
DDay - 09/08/2013
NC - 10/10/13 Broken 10/11/13
I feel like we are both trying R but I am just so skeptical of everything!! Hell, I don't know much right

Posts: 71 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Lost in USA
Ascendant
♂ 38303
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 11:53 AM, February 1st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah, more or less.

For example, in my situation, I 'caught' my wife and OM while it was still only an EA and put a stop to it. I actually wasn't even that angry, but I knew there had to be NC because it could lead to a PA, which was my only concern. Well, my wife held NC for about 1.5 months, and then broke it, I screamed at her over it, she held it again for about a month and a half, and then re-broke it, this time permanently....they maintained contact this this time, and eventually it turned into a PA.

So, basically 'underground' is when you have a DDAY of some sort, and then the affairing pair discover some way to keep the affair going under our noses.

So what's the takeaway here?

Never, ever, give up your sources or how you found out after DDAY. Ever.

That's where I fucked up. My wife knew that I was watching our cell records for texting, because that's how I caught DDAY1 and the first broken NC. So, she went to to Yahoo! Messenger (doesn't leave records on the cell bill) for texting purposes, and Google Voice for calling.

Like I said...ever.

ETA: I would even go so far as to tell them a different way than how you actually found out. If you found out via texts, but you know one of WS friends knew about the affair, I'd say that WS enabling friend told you. The WS might not believe you, but there's a chance that it'll at least inject some a little fear and distrust into that relationship.

[This message edited by FacePunched at 12:03 PM, February 1st (Saturday)]


I have a competition in me.

Posts: 2256 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: City in the Midwest/Best In The Whole Wide World
Kalliopeia
♀ 35053
Member # 35053
Default  Posted: 11:58 AM, February 1st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel the same thing. I am scared to trust mine because he was so deceptive. He insists he is straight with me now. However he becomes instantly furious if I bring anything up.

Chances of me trusting him? ZERO.

Inside of me these days I feel humiliated and very resistent to extending myself fully because of it.


Posts: 478 | Registered: Mar 2012
IamDyingInside
♀ 41054
Member # 41054
Default  Posted: 12:04 PM, February 1st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Facepunched, Wow! I have already screwed up major then! I thought I was doing the right thing about a month ago when we had a talk, well actually I had a blow up and I divulged the ways I had been snooping and spying on him. I truly thought I was doing the right thing, I felt like if I expected him to be honest so should I. Now, I feel so dumb. I feel a little defeated right now.


Me: BW (41)
Him: WH (41)
2 Daughters - 20 and 16
Married 19 years, together 24 years
DDay - 09/08/2013
NC - 10/10/13 Broken 10/11/13
I feel like we are both trying R but I am just so skeptical of everything!! Hell, I don't know much right

Posts: 71 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Lost in USA
IamDyingInside
♀ 41054
Member # 41054
Default  Posted: 12:09 PM, February 1st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Kalli, I can relate to what you said. As time goes on, sometimes I dont know if I can continue to love someone who put me through so much pain. My WH doesnt blow up when we talk about it but he definitely appears irritated which pisses me off. Or, he does a lot of listening but doesn't have much to say in response. So, maybe he really isnt listening.


Me: BW (41)
Him: WH (41)
2 Daughters - 20 and 16
Married 19 years, together 24 years
DDay - 09/08/2013
NC - 10/10/13 Broken 10/11/13
I feel like we are both trying R but I am just so skeptical of everything!! Hell, I don't know much right

Posts: 71 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Lost in USA
totallyconfused1
♀ 42030
Member # 42030
Default  Posted: 12:32 PM, February 1st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Definitely. Even though my ws has made and attended 2 IC appt's on his own, is being totally transparent, I can't stop but think, hmmm, are you really remorseful and wanting to save this marriage, or finding a better way at hiding stuff and trying throwing me off.

Which is why I won't send him to SI. I would worry he would read the posts about how to know if your ws is remorseful and do it. Or learn about more stuff like getting a different phone, or texting apps. We don't have smart phones, so that's good in a way I guess. (Or maybe he does...)

Anyways, yes, it's going to be a nagging feeling for a very very long time, I'm sure.


Me - BS
Him - WS
DD Jan 8 2014

Posts: 83 | Registered: Jan 2014
LostAngry
♀ 40808
Member # 40808
Default  Posted: 1:12 PM, February 1st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with FacePunched, I told my WH how I was keeping tabs on him. He took it so far underground the keylogger did not catch him and I found out after we split that he kept a pre-paid cell phone at his office, therefore, my digging in the car, garage, etc. never turned up the phone I knew was out there.

The worrisome part is the sly WS who come to websites like this and others to find out how to act and not act. They use our words, advice and suggestions to one another against us.


"How people treat you is their Karma. How you react is yours."
Wayne Dyer

Posts: 144 | Registered: Sep 2013
Ascendant
♂ 38303
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 1:16 PM, February 1st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Facepunched, Wow! I have already screwed up major then! I thought I was doing the right thing about a month ago when we had a talk, well actually I had a blow up and I divulged the ways I had been snooping and spying on him.
I mean, don't beat yourself up over it. I did the exact same thing....I think on some level I was trying to tell WW, "Hey, I am going to catch your stupid ass, so just quit it!". I know for me in some way it was.
I truly thought I was doing the right thing, I felt like if I expected him to be honest so should I.
Right, and I think that in a normal relationship, that IS how it works....but on, and after, DDAY you are NOT on the same side as your WS, at least not for a while. For a little bit after DDAY, you are at war. But many a BS is so eager to get back into a 'normal' relationship that they step onto buried landmines.

*Raises hand*

Now, I feel so dumb. I feel a little defeated right now.
Don't feel dumb. A lot of this shit doesn't make any sense until AFTER you really needed it....and frankly, you should have NEVER needed to know it, had your spouse been able to keep his pants zipped.


I have a competition in me.

Posts: 2256 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: City in the Midwest/Best In The Whole Wide World
Ascendant
♂ 38303
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 1:23 PM, February 1st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The worrisome part is the sly WS who come to websites like this and others to find out how to act and not act. They use our words, advice and suggestions to one another against us.
Well....yeah. However, we're in the Reconciliation forum right now...if a spouse is doing that, then not only is the BS in the wrong forum, but that is not a WS that can even be reconciled with at the moment.

I think there's a distinction between a remorseful WS who just screws up on the path to healing because they literally don't know what to do....and a WS who is using the BS healing path as subterfuge in order to further camouflage their shitty behavior. Going out of your way in order to co-opt and utilize your BS inner thoughts is beyond remorseless, it's fucking sociopathic. It's on a level above (or below, I guess) remorseless. They have a name for those people.

Evil.


I have a competition in me.

Posts: 2256 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: City in the Midwest/Best In The Whole Wide World
LostAngry
♀ 40808
Member # 40808
Default  Posted: 1:42 PM, February 1st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well....yeah. However, we're in the Reconciliation forum right now...if a spouse is doing that, then not only is the BS in the wrong forum, but that is not a WS that can even be reconciled with at the moment.

Yes, but she is asking about WS taking the A underground and one way they take it underground is learning how to act and react to their spouse to make them less suspicious. It may be evil, but it can be part of it.


"How people treat you is their Karma. How you react is yours."
Wayne Dyer

Posts: 144 | Registered: Sep 2013
Melian40
♀ 41205
Member # 41205
Default  Posted: 1:48 PM, February 1st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

False R and underground scare me too.
That's why I try to process both scenarios in my mind: D and R.
I keep watching descreetely. So far the VAR and spyware came clean.
I wish I had money to hire a PI. It would save me a lot of trouble.


BW-me:40
BH-him:41
DD-age 9
Together 7 years, married 17 years
DD1:8/12/2013 -OW1-PA 1.5 months in 2009
DD2:8/17/2013 - OW2-EA Spring 2013- He tried to hit on her but she denied.

"You can't fix a broken man, but he can break you"


Posts: 216 | Registered: Nov 2013
IamDyingInside
♀ 41054
Member # 41054
Default  Posted: 2:24 PM, February 1st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Facepunched, WH has bee remorseful but not as much as I would like. I am the one who always brings up the dreaded subject but I wish he would. I do think he fits the category of what you said "WS who just screws up on the path to healing because they literally don't know what to do". We have some major financial issues right now but will be through them in the next few months, so we have not been to MC or IC. He said he will do whatever it takes and I assume he will be going to MC and IC, we have discussed it a little and he was on board. Either way, I intend to because I dont know how to cope or really work through this on my own or even with him. Is MC/IC something I should push him to do? I dont.want to make him do something he doesnt want to do, I dont want to set myself up for failure and have false hopes. Are WH/WW supposed to want to go? Sounds really dumb but I am asking because I really dont know.

Melian, I used a VAR a few months ago, it was one we had laying around the house, so it is pretty ancient and the voice quality was not very good. Was.your quality good? What brand is it?

Lostangry, what is a keylogger?


Me: BW (41)
Him: WH (41)
2 Daughters - 20 and 16
Married 19 years, together 24 years
DDay - 09/08/2013
NC - 10/10/13 Broken 10/11/13
I feel like we are both trying R but I am just so skeptical of everything!! Hell, I don't know much right

Posts: 71 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Lost in USA
cl131716
♀ 40699
Member # 40699
Default  Posted: 2:51 PM, February 1st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WH took the "friendship" he was involved in early in our relationship underground. I never even considered they may still be in contact and I didn't find out until nearly 3 years later. I wish I had known to never disclose my sources. But if its by text or Facebook how else do you confront?


Me BS 31
Him WS 34 Trying4change
Together 3 years, married for one
D-day: 07/23/13 cybersex with COW
D-day: 12/27/13 found out he met and kissed a "friend" in 2011
"A clear and innocent conscience fears nothing."

Posts: 935 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Oklahoma
LostAngry
♀ 40808
Member # 40808
Default  Posted: 3:24 PM, February 1st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lostangry, what is a keylogger?

It is software you download to a computer and it logs and sends reports to you about everything that is done on the computer including screenshots. If you choose to download one, do not tell your WS you are doing so, otherwise he will find another way, mine did.


"How people treat you is their Karma. How you react is yours."
Wayne Dyer

Posts: 144 | Registered: Sep 2013
rachelc
♀ 30314
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 4:00 PM, February 1st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hired a PI. I'll have to say that he wonders if I occasionally still do this. He wonders if I have a spy where he works. So he knows I'll do whatever I need to.
There's some comfort in this.


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”


Posts: 5491 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
Topic Posts: 15

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