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Has anyone here made a successful R w/o MC or IC

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OneBrokenGirl posted 2/1/2014 14:17 PM

Just curious if anyone here had success with building a better marriage and relationship without the help of consoling. I know that's a rough road but is it possible?

LoveActually posted 2/1/2014 14:33 PM

I am 4.8 years out and we reconciled without IC or MC. However, I had done a lot of work on myself in counseling way before we even met and got married. We also participated as a couple in a self-help type of seminar and became volunteers for the program and helped put on numerous seminars. These seminars made you explore yourself very deeply and openly as an individual and as a couple. So, we really had a lot of tools to communicate/work through issues prior to the affair so I know that it helped us through reconciliation for sure. My husband was immediately remorseful, transparent and willing to do anything to save our marriage so I think that was key in getting us through it all too. It is possible, but it really depends on the two of you and what issues are there and how you are dealing with them. I think you have to look really deeply at your history as a couple and how you have dealt with past issues and if you truly have the foundation to get through it without help from a professional.

IamDyingInside posted 2/1/2014 14:49 PM

I have been wondering about this too. Or what can be done while waiting to afford it, which will be a few more months.

SadInNC posted 2/1/2014 18:48 PM

I am in the same boat. We are trying to R with no MC or IC because we cannot afford it. I am the one calling the shots here as far as what we do to R. My WH is getting better and better at transparancy and real truth. At first he was still lying and TT. I wish he would play a more proactive role in our healing and R but I simply don't know what he should be doing and neither does he. We are totally winging this and I worry that we are doing it wrong. This SI site has helped me a lot and I read the Forums and the Healing Library but that is all I have.

Me 49 BS
Him 50 WS
Married 27 years
PA Dec 2009
EA all of 2010 same woman as the PA
D Day 12/9/2013 false with lies
D Day 1/9/2014 moving towards R
4 children 27, 25, 17 and 14

OneBrokenGirl posted 2/2/2014 00:27 AM

Yes IC is not cheap. Because that, I've done a lot of reading, many of the books mentioned here on SI. I have found them very helpful. I have asked my husband to start reading them too.

This is a tough road, with plenty of ups and downs. One day I'm positive and optimistic, and then the next I start going the opposite way. I have to reel myself back in and ask what it is that I want. My marriage or freedom? I love him deeply, yet I'm being strong for me and investing in who I am and where I want to go from here. Being on her, reading and sharing has been very therapeutic .

We have deep conversations, talk about us, each other and the A. It's has gotten easier for us both to open up more.

My husband is very remorseful, and is taking an active role in healing us and our marriage. I'm very thankful for that.

OneBrokenGirl posted 2/2/2014 00:35 AM

SadinNC

I wish they understood that the lying and TT make it so much worse. I also went through that as well the first two months after dday.

Because of that I spent countless hours doing my own research and I confirmed a lot my own questions. He came clean and admitted to being embarrassed by what he did and for hurting me.

RemainingWed posted 2/2/2014 14:02 PM

I'm wondering the same thing. We just started MC, but the expense is causing me major anxiety. I can think of so many other ways to use the $$$ that might also be therapeutic. Hopefully the expense will be worth it. Good luck to everyone, whether you're in counseling or going it alone.

[This message edited by RemainingWed at 2:05 PM, February 2nd (Sunday)]

Howie posted 2/2/2014 14:59 PM

Yes I, we did. After her two year affair and after a six month separation. I moved out but we stayed in contact by communication means and in person.There is no one formula because persons and the events are really different. My wayward wife was an ideal "we will do this alone" candidate; she was sorry, committed if not perfect at full disclosure and never doubted she wanted to be with me. I,on the the hand, was a basket case and needed one month of once or twice a week hourly sessions with a professional to cope with my anger issues.
Fixing out marriage however, was just the two of us. At six months were renewed intimacy and at 8 months we were fully (and even happily) back together.
Our way may have been a very inefficient way to do it.Yet I really needed "the break" to test her resolve and tend my wounds.Inefficient? but cheap money wise and,for us, it really worked after lots of painful conversations. No children,so that simplified things.
For most folks, I do think MC a good idea, you need a referee and a knowing person to get you over the rough spots.That said, it is possible to go it alone if BOTH parties really really want it to work- like their life depends on it and they are just compatible for the hard work.

heartbrokeninaz posted 2/2/2014 15:31 PM

We are in the process but doing very well. No counseling of any sort. I have not been lied to again since I outed him with proof. It has not been easy. It would be nice to have someone else to talk to about this, but it has made both of us turn towards eachother not away.

Please1983 posted 2/2/2014 15:55 PM

My WS had IC but that was all. We are almost 2 and a half year out and I honestly don't see how we could be any better. We are both happy and our relationship is better than ever.

momentintime posted 2/3/2014 01:33 AM

Yes, and we are 10 years out and successful in reconnecting. However, I did more of the heavy lifting, than I would have liked. And it took longer I think to get to R on our own, because FWS didn't do much with inward analysis, unless I directed and pushed him. Also I have a great deal of common sense, and after reading many books realized I did things correctly...luckily.. If at any time I felt we weren't communicating or I was being misled and he wasn't all in then counseling would have been on the agenda.

However, I found out a week after A ended so no dealing with is he staying or leaving. WS's job, which was out of state, where she was a co-worker, was ending, and she moved 2000 miles away so she wasn't a factor (no way to run into her, she was never in our state, our home, no mutual friends, no actual connection to our regular life). This made it easier for both of us.
Plus it was a fu*kbuddy situation, no I love you's exchanged. He didn't take her out, didn't buy gifts, didn't socialize with her outside of work or his hotel room. Pathetic but it was what it was.

Alex CR posted 2/3/2014 12:04 PM

We did not go to MC ..H was immediately remorseful and ready to do whatever it took to reconcile and we both felt we could do this without MC. But H stated he would go if I felt we needed to at a later date.

First we agreed we would not discuss the A at home....that home would be our sanctuary...our place to build good memories and focus on good times. We agreed to go out once a week for our own 'therapy session'. Usually we went to dinner, set a time to talk about the A (30 or 40 minutes) and then we would close the session and finish our meal. We read a lot of books together and worked through them.

I kept a journal and wrote down questions all week to ask at our sessions.....knowing I would have H's undivided attention helped me keep from 'dropping bombs' during the week. We didn't always keep the sanctuary rule, but it was rare that we broke it....we talked a lot in the car too....took many long rides.

I eventually went to IC for about 6 months. I really needed help getting through the anger and it helped me tremendously. We decided to try Retrouaville, but it just didn't work for either of us. We are pretty much loners and the group setting was not helpful for either of us plus we waited over two years to try it and had already come a long way...we ended up leaving the first night.

Eventually we stopped talking about the A at our sessions and talked about us....what we wanted together...where we wanted to go....how we felt about each other. And over time, the sessions changed to once every other week, then once a month and now whenever one of us wants to talk about something. Same rules apply though.....it's timed, it's 'I feel' statements and you have the option to respond in writing if the talking is too hard. This scenario worked for us.

Considering that H took our relationship and ripped out the foundation, I think we are doing really well today, in some ways better than we were before the A. I don't know if it's age or the side effects of betrayal, but I like the open way we connect now.

I think it's possible to reconcile without professional help...but both parties have to be totally committed and willing to work hard and more importantly, be vulnerable.

heforgotme posted 2/3/2014 16:22 PM

We DO have a MC, but honestly have done most of the hardest work at home.

Lots and lots of talking and reading.

wanttogoforward posted 2/3/2014 18:32 PM

I did a little IC (couple weeks) and then we did maybe 5 sessions of MC until the N+MC told us we were great communicators and could do it on our own..... I DID NOT like her assessment of the situation and wanted to continue to get help... but the second she said we were not needing her he was done.

At four years out today/ tomorrow I think we have come a long way.... but I would have liked to have some support from MC as I went through this... instead I went it alone.... and that is hard...

You can do it without the MC... I would recommend many books to assist you both and reading them and talking your way through them together if you want to be successful without outside help.

OneBrokenGirl posted 2/5/2014 10:39 AM

Thank you everyone one for your comments and thoughts. It gives me encouragement that we can do this together.

Being involuntarily promoted to this new role in life is scary and painful but SI and the people here are a god send.

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