Me 49 BS
Him 50 WS
Married 27 years
PA Dec 2009
EA all of 2010 same woman as the PA
D Day 12/9/2013 false with lies
D Day 1/9/2014 moving towards R
4 children 27, 25, 17 and 14
"Your value doesn't decrease based on someone's inability to see your worth." -Unknown Wise Person
This is a tough road, with plenty of ups and downs. One day I'm positive and optimistic, and then the next I start going the opposite way. I have to reel myself back in and ask what it is that I want. My marriage or freedom? I love him deeply, yet I'm being strong for me and investing in who I am and where I want to go from here. Being on her, reading and sharing has been very therapeutic .
We have deep conversations, talk about us, each other and the A. It's has gotten easier for us both to open up more.
My husband is very remorseful, and is taking an active role in healing us and our marriage. I'm very thankful for that.
I wish they understood that the lying and TT make it so much worse. I also went through that as well the first two months after dday.
Because of that I spent countless hours doing my own research and I confirmed a lot my own questions. He came clean and admitted to being embarrassed by what he did and for hurting me.
[This message edited by RemainingWed at 2:05 PM, February 2nd (Sunday)]
However, I found out a week after A ended so no dealing with is he staying or leaving. WS's job, which was out of state, where she was a co-worker, was ending, and she moved 2000 miles away so she wasn't a factor (no way to run into her, she was never in our state, our home, no mutual friends, no actual connection to our regular life). This made it easier for both of us.
Plus it was a fu*kbuddy situation, no I love you's exchanged. He didn't take her out, didn't buy gifts, didn't socialize with her outside of work or his hotel room. Pathetic but it was what it was.
"Global editing disclaimer - I edit almost everything I post, and I am not going to post why every time."...re: Bionical girl
First we agreed we would not discuss the A at home....that home would be our sanctuary...our place to build good memories and focus on good times. We agreed to go out once a week for our own 'therapy session'. Usually we went to dinner, set a time to talk about the A (30 or 40 minutes) and then we would close the session and finish our meal. We read a lot of books together and worked through them.
I kept a journal and wrote down questions all week to ask at our sessions.....knowing I would have H's undivided attention helped me keep from 'dropping bombs' during the week. We didn't always keep the sanctuary rule, but it was rare that we broke it....we talked a lot in the car too....took many long rides.
I eventually went to IC for about 6 months. I really needed help getting through the anger and it helped me tremendously. We decided to try Retrouaville, but it just didn't work for either of us. We are pretty much loners and the group setting was not helpful for either of us plus we waited over two years to try it and had already come a long way...we ended up leaving the first night.
Eventually we stopped talking about the A at our sessions and talked about us....what we wanted together...where we wanted to go....how we felt about each other. And over time, the sessions changed to once every other week, then once a month and now whenever one of us wants to talk about something. Same rules apply though.....it's timed, it's 'I feel' statements and you have the option to respond in writing if the talking is too hard. This scenario worked for us.
Considering that H took our relationship and ripped out the foundation, I think we are doing really well today, in some ways better than we were before the A. I don't know if it's age or the side effects of betrayal, but I like the open way we connect now.
I think it's possible to reconcile without professional help...but both parties have to be totally committed and willing to work hard and more importantly, be vulnerable.
Lots and lots of talking and reading.
At four years out today/ tomorrow I think we have come a long way.... but I would have liked to have some support from MC as I went through this... instead I went it alone.... and that is hard...
You can do it without the MC... I would recommend many books to assist you both and reading them and talking your way through them together if you want to be successful without outside help.
Being involuntarily promoted to this new role in life is scary and painful but SI and the people here are a god send.