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poison1916 posted 2/1/2014 16:44 PM

I am 25 (26 in a few months). She is 26 (just turned 26). OM is 28 and unhappily married with 2 children.

I officially realized on 1/25/14 that my girlfriend of 7 years was emotionally involved with another man. She's more than my girlfriend, shes the love of my life. I am/was committed to her and want her back. D-day was that Sunday when I got home.

Detail about our life;
We bought a house in March, we moved in in June. We have 2 cats that we love. We both have good jobs. I even just got a promotion on the 20th. I was happy. We have only ever broken up once in college and it was for 2 days.

Her: Kind to a fault. Wants everyone to like her. Goes out of her way for others.
She works full time. In a job that while she complains about she truly loves what she does (who doesn't complain about their job?). Her schedule is a rotating 2 days off. She's overweight, not fat but unhealthy. She's a slob (not being mean, she admits it. she doesn't think there's anything wrong with not seeing the bedroom floor). She hates chores (her mom yelled at her as a kid about chores often). She has anxiety issues but doesn't see a doctor about it. Her father passed away a few years ago, I was there 100% for her and her family.

Me: Know-it-all, tech savant.
I work full-time with a 140 mile commute each day, this is been going on since January. I don't mind the drive because I listen to books while in the car. I like the house to be clean. I like the laundry folded. I do not have the kindest vocabulary ever, I swear, a lot. I have a temper but have never hit her, never broken anything in anger, never mistreated her in anger. It's mainly because high blood pressure runs in my family so when I get angry I get really angry and it's very hard to calm down. 99% of the time I am the calmest person you have ever met. I used to work 4 days a week and was gone from 1030am to 12:45-1am most nights. The days I had off I would spend 1 cleaning the house, 1 playing video games, and 1 with her.

The detail of the A;
I have tried hard to communicate with her all week. We have talked successfully a few times but then the next morning comes around, and she has something else to bring up. So in the order of events in which I found things out.

She had been displaying some signs of cheating for several weeks. New hair products. Excessive time on the phone. Lots of text messages. Snapchat. Not taking lunch to work but somehow having food to eat each day. But the sex has been great, never been anything but.

Both our smartphones are integrated with Google Voice. Our lives are on google/facebook. We used a password program, each with our own login and password to keep stuff organized. We both left the logins open and let it auto-fill passwords to log into all the sites. There was no privacy if the other wanted to spy (this was something that apparently upset her, I say apparently because I am just now finding this out). GPS etc. Some nights when I would come home and she wasn't there. With no message about where she was. Those nights since before (according to her timeframe) I would gps her phone and check her text messages to see where she was.

She has a guy friend from work, turns out hes the OM. Not sexually, she's promised me that. But emotionally to the point where I was displaced as the person she could confide in. According to her they were friends, then best friends, then one day they were in love. I found the text message trial after being ignored completely several times and told to bud out when I asked who she was talking to and about what. Some nights when I would check the gps there would be strange places, now sometimes the phone would mess up so I would ask her about it and get my head bit off. one night (5 months ago) she was in the town over and the weather was bad, I was worried and the OM was driving her home, which I found out after she arrived. another night she said shes coming home and I watch the gps come to the house but then it stops at the off ramp by our house, for 20-30 minutes (2 months ago). each time I would ask I would get my head bit off.

Her birthday was 2 days before I found out. we had a party for her birthday, friends, beer, chips, dips. We just got a house so there isnt a ton of money to go spend gifts on and im not a gift kind of person. I didn't get her anything for her birthday, I told her this lovely house (its a REALLY nice house was her gift). Her best childhood friend came to visit the week of her birthday, she stayed till sunday (6am). Her friend hates me, she always has. She has never liked me because of our first interactions. I think its because the W and I were inseparable when we first started dating and I capitalized all her time and attention when the friend and I were first introduced. Anyways the W had been acting weird because of the OM for several days. I was reading her texts daily. She took her friend to lunch with the OM. The friend was colder than usual towards me after that. It turns out it was more of a meet my boyfriend. the friend of course offers the advice to the W that she needs to end it, she needs to be alone to figure out who she is. The W is skittish all week till her birthday party on the 25th. Several people back out early in the day of the party. Then the OM texts her and says hes not coming, her best friend here in town says shes not coming. (now important to note for later, the text messages from this day are WAY more inappropriate than usual, love is said many times, etc). The W is very upset and I try to comfort her but am rebuffed. So I let her friend comfort her and just let her know I am here, everything will be okay. We go shopping for the party buy drinks and food. As usual I try to keep her reasonable with her purchases. She ends up buying ingredients to make 3 dips anyways even though I say just 2. Her friend of course is just la la la oh well its just W, this is who she is. So I let it go. Party happens, I try to stand by the W. I try to be apart of her conversations and each time she walks away. I have to work the next morning so I sit in front of the TV while she stays up the the friend and OM. I fall asleep on the couch and at 2am decide to go to bed. OM stays till 3:30am. conversations from the other room (20 feet away) are hushed and quiet after everyone but the OM and the friend leave. She offers to walk the OM to his car, very odd for the W since its -15 out and she hates the cold. So I wake up and peek out the window to see if she's kissing him or something. I dont see anything the angle is weird. When she comes in I walk out and offer to drive her and the friend to the airport in the morning, which she says she is going to just stay up. She never comes to bed that night. I leave for work at 8am the next morning and she didn't make it home before hand. When I come home from work she's in bed, I get in, she falls asleep a bit and I check the text messages. I find out that the love messages from the other day are GONE. Deleted. Backups deleted. So I flip. I yell at her and fume and roll over and do my angry bit. Finally, after spelling it out to her 6 times, and then flat out asking if she's having an A she admits she's in love with him. Now me, my high blood pressure self really goes at her. But we talk it out. She agrees to stop inappropriate texts, not spend time alone with the OM, not call him on the phone. But the OM is her friend so I say, I don't want to deprive you of your friend I just want you back. We go to bed okay.

I wake up at 7am to her crying in bed. I ask her what's going on and she says its because of me. She's unhappy in our relationship and she has been for a year. WHAT IS GOING ON? Im not unhappy. Shes never said ANYTHING to me. She starts hyperventilating, I calm her down. Then I break down, I have a panic attack after her, and she starts crying worse. Finally she collects herself enough to calm me down. Then somehow we get the the point where I give her an ultimatum (8am). She says were done. I break down completely, roll into a ball and cry my eyes out. She does for the most part too but gets ready for work and leaves. I freak out more. Text the realtor who sold us the house and tell her I want to sell. She says she knows someone who is interested. I go on texting the W for an hour about what we are going to do. Sell the house, sell our stuff, pay off the credit cards, she can have the cats even though it will kill me to never see them. I feel hours pass by, I try and sleep, she tries to hold it together at work. I text her mom, and tell her that its over and im sorry I let her down. her mom doesn't think that there is any problem with what she did and offers to help her daughter by me out of the house. Finally I convince the W to come home. She does. More crying, we hug, we talk. We come to an agreement to try and work it out.

wed morning. Annnd 7am again. Not too bad this day, some crying, we talk and its okay again. I really have to go to work today, I just got a promotion. so I go back to sleep and She leaves for work. we text all day, its good, we have deep conversations. We talk while I drive home. I tell her im committed.

thurs morning. Annnd 7am again. More crying, more fighting, again decide its okay. I go to work, she goes to work. Again we text all day, tell each other what we are feeling. Seems good. I come home and things are NOT good. more panic attacks on each side. finally again we are okay. I tell her im committed. but she just wants me to hate her.

friday morning. And 7am again. She has to go to work at 10. I have the day off. Another fight, more crying, more panic attacks. worse than all the other days. We work it out again. She goes to work. I pick her up for lunch. We talk. the day is great. Today however we have another mutual friend coming to stay at our house that night, she has an event nearby. We go, we try and be good, were both sad and hurt. finally we get home after the event/dinner. a bit more apprehensive crying because were both scared but we go to bed again. This time I feel really good about us. I feel like we worked it to place where we will be okay to continue together. we know it will take time. I tell her im committed.

Sat morning. and 6:30am again. I wake up to her fidgeting. we talk. she says she ILYBINILWY. She doesn't think she loves me the way I need or deserve. She admits to trying to have another A before this OM. But that is our friend who is a gay man. So that didn't work obviously. She tells me she thinks its really over. We can't work it out. And I fall, completely to pieces. Im sobbing. Having panic attacks. I have to get up to go to work but I can barely move. And she gets up doesn't even try. She leaves me there barely able to move. Shes taking a shower so I walk into, and get in the shower with her, but as soon as I see her I fall into a ball on the shower floor. at this point she doesn't even seem to care anymore. she yells at me to get out, to go get ready. she turns the water off. yells more. I get out and go upstairs to our other shower and sob for over an hour. she checks on me once to yell at me, im not even sure what she was saying. I was having such a panic attack that I couldn't move off the floor of the shower. I laid there for another 30 minutes. finally I drag myself out of the shower and down into the bed. I see that she's packing her things, plastic bags for toiletry, clothes. and I break down again, get under the covers and just sob. 30 minutes later im freaking out really bad because the panic attack won't stop. now note that our friend stayed the night, so shes been outside feeling awkward and rightfully so (told her a few days before what was going on) the W been outside talking to her. then the friends calms down from my panic attack. she tells me shes taking the W away. I begged her not to. to let me say goodbye.

things i'm leaving out. she feels distanced from me. she hasn't confided in me for several months. she says she been unhappy for an entire year, when I have confirmed with our friends over the past year, no one noticed her being perpetually unhappy. we don't fight that much but have arguments often about doing chores and spending habits (shes a spender, im a budgeter). she blames me for not respecting her privacy. she blames me for not noticing she has been unhappy. she blames me for not holding it together. she blames me for wanting to lash out at the OM and get a restraining order.

several hours later im writing this. I spent a lot of time reading the forums. feeling empathy towards others in my position. I think shes gone. I've sent a few text messages to her. This is the only one I've gotten back. I'm alive but I can't talk to you right now. Please allow me the time I need. . Why does she need time? She cheated on me. I love her. I was willing to forgive her if she keep it professional at work with the OM, which she says she had, and I believed her. I feel lost. I really need her around even if were not together. I've spent so much time, and given up so much for her. The reason were not married is I am very religious and she was born a different religion. She has been well aware since week 1 of dating that I will not marry her till she converts. she accepts my faith and has embraced it since we started dating. I never pushed hard the whole getting married thing because we don't live in a convenient place to convert. she feels smothered from all angles and feels like she cannot be happy without separating herself from both me, the OM, and everyone.

so to sum it up. I love her. I was happy. she was unhappy (she says 100%, I say at times). our friend took her away and I don't know where she is.

sorry for the wall of text and bad grammar.

SadInNC posted 2/1/2014 19:53 PM

Hey poison, first of all I want to say that I am sorry that you find yourself hearbroken like most of us who come to this SI website. :(

I am new to this whole thing, too, but the Healing Library in the left corner has a ton of good articles for you to read until some of the other more experienced people can advise you.

I just want to offer you my support and to let you know that you are not alone. From what it sounds like to me, your WW needs space and I would give her that and then some. She betrayed you. Try and stay strong.

norabird posted 2/1/2014 23:41 PM

Sorry you are here and for this heartache. I know it feels absolutely unbearable and that you are desparate for relief.

Right now relief looks like the woman you lived to you. But, with where she is right now, let me tell you: she cannot help you with this pain. She can only cause more of it. And as long as you let her, she will.

I hope in the awful darkness you are feeling you can find a little light. It will have to come from inside yourself. You write that you need her. I promise, you don't. You only need to find your strength. What in your life do you value? Surely not just this woman. If you really think yes, only she did you get to that place? What else do you think should and could add value to your life? How can you start to get it?

Find a therapist if you can to start sorting out how you can detach from being so emotionally dependent and regain a sense of independent self. That will save you. You are your last best hope. Not her. Right now, she does not want to be in your relationship--she is showing you that clearly. So that leaves you to drag yourself forward into a different future than the one you have been invested in. That is hard and painful and a great loss--you will have to mourn it--but it is a great opportunity too, really. You are so young and you have a whole life ahead of you.

[This message edited by norabird at 10:51 AM, February 2nd (Sunday)]

poison1916 posted 2/2/2014 06:30 AM

i left this on the outside of the door with several of the healing library articles which really stroke home the best. Please someone tell me if I'm being unreasonable. (the money is the shared expenses, there is a table later on in the letter with the math)

"I will give you space.
I will not spy on you.
You will not lie to me, you will be honest.
I will not lie to you, I will be honest.
We will keep in contact with each other throughout the day.
You will sleep in the twin bed for now.
You will not have an emotional or sexual relationship with anyone else.
You will go see a therapist.
I will go see a therapist.
You will deposit $1000 each month into the joint checking account. Be aware there are many expenses which occur yearly, eg. car insurance and homeowners insurance, you will be notified of these in advance and expected to provide the funds in 30 days. We will each be responsible for the rest of our expenses, eg. gas, Rev, car.
A chore schedule will be drafted and split evenly.
It is each of our responsibilities to take care of our belongings and surroundings, eg. car, house, cats.
We will each complete chores on a weekly basis.

space for you to write:"

Tren0R201 posted 2/2/2014 09:09 AM

Dude, honestly she has basically told you she's not into you anymore, seeing another guy, she has detached. Let her go

brkn_heartd posted 2/2/2014 09:49 AM

I am sorry you need to be here, but there is great support and wisdom. I am glad you are reading the healing library. I have been 4 years into this journey and it is heart wrenching. Healing is possible regardless of your outcome (end the relationship or save the relationship), but it takes time and persistence.

First, she has given you some messages that are very loud and clear. I strongly recommend reading and implementing the 180. The 180 is for YOU, not a punishment to her. It is to help you clear your mind, to focus on you and your needs, and help you heal. Sometimes the 180 helps wake up the wayward spouse. First and foremost with the 180...go no contact with your wife. Stop sending her texts. Stop calling her, stop contacting her, stop engaging her. Go quite on her.

Second (but tied with first) take care of yourself. Eat when you are able...and eat healthy. Drink plenty of water and try to get some rest. Find an individual counselor to help you navigate through your emotions.

Third, THIS IS NOT ABOUT YOU. While she blames you, and even in your list of what you will do, you are allowing her to blame you. This is NOT your fault. Having access to "spy" on your spouse is not inappropriate in a healthy relationship. We don't like to call it spying, but being transparent. There is nothing I do that I am afraid of my spouse knowing about. I do not care if my spouse knows where I am at a given moment. I have nothing to hide. The only time we have "hidden" info, is if we are planning for gifts, and we tell each other (very time limited) but if either of us were concerned, the surprise factor doesn't matter and full transparency comes first.

The next not believe your wife has not been physically involved with the OM. I would bet she has. You need to be tested for STD's. It is not worth your health not to be. Her behavior does not indicate no physical contact despite her promising you she didn't. Cheaters lie. Period. She has lied to you and you can be she is still lying.

The final word of advice I will give you may seem counterproductive. To save your marriage you have to be willing to give it up. For months I struggle with my H and his OW. It wasn't until I was strong enough to start divorce process that he realized I was going to care for me and could paint him out of the picture. That is when he started to get it. I didn't find SI until a year after that date, but wished I had. I would have done so many things differently. Anyway, I recommend finding an attorney and determine what your rights are, especially with a new house. While she may be "nice" now, do not expect if you do go forward with a divorce.

Post here often. There is a lot of support. Your emotions will be all over the place. Expect that. Remind yourself frequently, this is not about YOU. This is about her brokenness. Many wayward spouses rewrite their marriage history to rationalize their behavior. However, there is no rationalization. It is WRONG.

Support is being sent your way.

poison1916 posted 2/2/2014 09:55 AM

brkn_heartd, thank you. your words really strike a cord with me. i dont know if i have the guts to pull a 180. i read a bit about it in some topics but i havent found any specifics. where is a post?

SadInNC posted 2/2/2014 09:56 AM

Do you own this home with her jointly? Are both of your names on the Deed? Are both names on the Mortgage? If she signed the mortgage with you, than she needs to pay half of it every month until the house is sold. I know, you are still hoping for R. but please, please take that sign off the door!

The first line is, "I will give you space" but then you go on to a HUGE list of rules and regulations that she is supposed to follow. That is not giving her space. Just collect her half of the bills if she has a LEGAL obligation to pay them. Otherwise, you should do the 180. Read about that in the Healing Library.

I know you are hurting badly right now. We are here for you. Just remember that you cannot control anything that she does! Don't even try to do that. It will push her farther and farther away from you. Good luck.

traicionada posted 2/2/2014 10:17 AM

First, take care of yourself. The basics: hydrate, eat and get a bit of sleep. Then, you have experienced at least 2 panic attacks in less than 10 days so go see a doctor and get your high Bp and anxiety under control. Second, consider IC. Your note reminded me so much of mine so IMO you need someone to help you process the pain. You're trying to "fix it" because that's what you always do. You're trying to be logic because that's what comes natural. Deep inside, you don't want to give her space, you want to give her common sense back, appeal to her better self, give her 1,2,3 directions back to you

Edith posted 2/2/2014 10:52 AM

Hey p1916, Sorry to see you are going through this disaster. Gently, I strongly disagree with your list. Her A has nothing to do with you, the chores, the spending/budgeting, your temper, or anything else you are spending time worrying over. It is about HER and the fact that she is broken. She is selfish. She is a liar.

I hope you have not given her that list yet, but I would completely delete that, especially the one about you not "spying" on her. If you intend to stay with this woman, it is a fact that you WILL spy on her. You will NEED to spy on her. She will also need to stop working with OM.

One question: Is OM married? If so, his wife should be told ASAP. Do not tell your wife you are going to tell her, just do it. Very important and significant.

I would also read up on the 180 and put it into practice like yesterday. Focus on yourself and your own healing. She is off somewhere in fantasyland. Maybe she'll be back and maybe she won't. One thing is for sure, the person you need to be able to live with is yourself, so you must focus on your own healing right now.

Take care,


brkn_heartd posted 2/2/2014 11:52 AM

I bumped several threads for you to read, including the 180. tactical primer, before considering reconciliation and information for newbies. All great information.

Take care of yourself today. Do something that normally brings you pleasure. For me, it has been and continues to be a hot soak in a tub or long hot shower. I used to read, but not so much anymore. What ever it is, it does not have to cost $$ but something that even for a few minutes brings some normalcy back into your life and a small pleasure.

Concentrate on yourself and your needs. If you fee like you need to text, call or engage in her otherwise, call a family member, post here, do something to break that cycle. A phrase to contact = no new hurts. I can't claim it as mine but great advice!

Rella posted 2/2/2014 12:09 PM


I am so sorry you find yourself here, but we have huge shoulders for leaning. Lots of experience in this forum.

I have to say that I have to agree that your list appears rather tough, and is in actuality an ultimatum. Ultimatums do not work, and if anything, they usually produce the result that you are not looking for. It is tough to decide what is a reasonable compromise for both sides, but honestly, it is sounding to me like she may have made her decision.

Do read and begin to follow the guidelines on living 180- this will give YOU the strength to move on, and you should be in NC mode now. WW needs her space, and you need yours. Certainly, you should be contacting an attorney to get information on your rights.


Brandon808 posted 2/2/2014 12:15 PM

Between this...

She admits to trying to have another A before this OM.
...and the current A I have to agree with what Tren0R201 said.

You may not feel you can do the 180 but you need to do the 180.

poison1916 posted 2/2/2014 12:16 PM

thank you all for the kind words.

the house is jointly owned along with her car. she had inheritance and terrible credit. i have amazing credit. despite having liquid funds the bank didnt want to give us the loan but i convinced them into doing it. if we end up completely separating i will sell the house, pay off all the debt and give her 100% of the money left. i am completely fair and unpassionate when it comes to money. i dont care about it. it's a tool to make sure you are comfy and thats why its important you budget.

we cannot afford to be seperated money wise. im going to 180. but i refuse to let the life i built fall apart while she takes her space. if it has to be over then it has to be over.

i have an appointment tomorrow to see someone.

i feel gutless. i cant throw her out on her ass for what she has done. the house is big enough that we dont have to see each other in it. i think we're going to try that for now.

poison1916 posted 2/2/2014 13:18 PM

i just tried telling the only 'friend' who lives nearby. she is mainly my WWs friend, but we had a strained relationship at best. i told her that i have to tell her. its not fair to me that no one knows. after i told her she flipped out on me. shes defending my WW and the OM. saying its not against any policy.

norabird posted 2/2/2014 13:47 PM

I know the feeling of wanting other people to know, but trying to enlist support in this way will only backfire. As you say if it has to be over then it's over. You should assume right now that it's over. Also do not go saying you will give x or y from the house sale if it is not what is actually equitable. I feel like (gently) maybe you have been trying to 'take care' of this woman in the relationship, and that approach needs to end now. Now you take care of you.

Brandon808 posted 2/2/2014 14:14 PM

saying its not against any policy.
What does that even mean???

brkn_heartd posted 2/2/2014 14:39 PM

I hear what you are saying about selling and giving her 100%. Remember you do not have to make any decisions right now. Time will show you her character. She will become remorseful or not. Plan for her not to be. Then if she is you can be surprised. In the meantime, while you may not see money as a way to be more comfortable, it is jointly yours. Don't make any major decisions right now.

If you do not have anyone in real life (IRL) to discuss it with that are friends of the marriage or your friends/family, I would strongly advise you not to bring in her friends into this. They will bring more pain to you...especially if they side with her and not you as in this case.

poison1916 posted 2/2/2014 14:42 PM

Brandon808\\ She is their manager at work also.

brkn_heartd\\ I know. She's not being mean to me. She's mad at the situation. I can see that.

Brandon808 posted 2/2/2014 14:46 PM

She is their manager at work also.
Ok, that makes sense. It sounds like she assumed you expected her to take some sort of action, which she apparently cannot do. It was also her way of saying she isn't going to take sides and certainly won't be supportive of you.

Outing the A is one thing. For those situations I would stick only to the facts.

For your own support stick to those people who are primarily your friend first. Find an IC if you haven't found one already.

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