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poison1916 posted 2/2/2014 16:31 PM

it turns out shes off gallivanting with her friends. i cant imagine what lies she is spreading. because they are all smiling and being so happy in the facebook pictures. no one them seem mad at her. i feel like the whole world is defending her.

---

I spoke with the OM's BS. We had didnt talk much just shared some details from our perspective. Turns out that he said he is leaving her the day after our d-day. The morning of the d-day they met up together in the parking lot (before she changed all her passwords, so i was able to see). I felt so betray she ran right into his arms. But I thought we had talked that out. Now i feel worse about it. Like confronting my WW pushed their relationship over the edge too. I know its not my fault but i feel bad.

drainedandbroken posted 2/2/2014 17:02 PM

Being the OM's wife in the situations I obviously am having a hard time as well trying to understand what I should do. He says he wants to leave and has stopped the extra relationship. Yet he's been home more since he said he wants to end our relationship than he has in the past year. We had made the decision to seperate before I had my suspicions confirmed by poison. Now that its all out in the air he seems to want to make sure I don't hate him and is showing small interest in making things work. We have 2 young children and really this is the only thing we've ever argued about besides the typical marriage things (money etc..) He says he turned to her because I wasn't available to him emotionally and they could relate to each others grief. My problem is will I ever trust him again? Is it fair to me to try, I didn't force him to take this step?

sorry for the rant

Also I had done research when I first suspected this was happening back in June and I tried the 180. It obviously didn't work...

[This message edited by drainedandbroken at 5:04 PM, February 2nd (Sunday)]

brkn_heartd posted 2/2/2014 17:50 PM

Neither of you caused this....calling it out into the light did not send them to each other. They were already there. They are both broken. Drained, the 180 is for you to heal....not to bring him back. I bumped it up on the threads earlier today.

To potentially save the marriage(s)you must be ready to end the marriage(s). However, they may be in such a fog that they continue the relationship. If they do...it shows their brokenness.

When real life starts to happen and break up their fantasy land, things may very well change. Read the 180...be familiar to help take care of yourselves.

poison1916 posted 2/2/2014 22:28 PM

we just talked. it's over. i see that now. we are both okay. we didnt yell. we didnt lash out. we laughed a bit. we cried a bit. she says it's not because of the A, she was unhappy before that but didnt want to make it a deal. i think i believe her, i felt like i was talking to the old her that used to trust me and tell me the truth. i'm still mad about what she did. these feelings of betrayal will take a long time to heal but i feel like step one was saying goodbye. we didnt get to say goodbye the other day. i dont want to never talk to her again.

i am going to be okay. i dont feel nearly as sick or worried anymore. i'm going to go have some sprite and a good cry.

norabird posted 2/2/2014 22:34 PM

Yes, you will be okay glad that you feel there is some resolution now. However if you can get a therapy appointment to help sort through all of the aftermath it would probably be helpful. Healing is a process and if she comes back at all, you will want to know what reaction is best for you and stick to it. IC will help there. Good luck.

annb posted 2/2/2014 22:43 PM

Drained...welcome to SI.

To both of you...sometimes you need to push the WS off the fence...drained, sounds like your husband may have left but is still keeping you in limbo...I'd give him a harsh dose of reality...

Both of you, I'd consult with an attorney asap. You don't have to make any drastic decisions, but even if you file, you can always change your mind. The WW and WH may never come out of the fog..but...the best way forward is to give them a hard dose of reality...meaning, get tough. Putting your bitch boots on tough.

No contact unless it concerns finances or the kids. No stopping at the house for chit-chat or coffee or breakfast...show him what life will REALLY be like should you divorce.

He says he turned to her because I wasn't available to him emotionally

^^I call BS on this. There were other options, communication, counseling, instead both of them decided to drop a nuclear bomb on your lives.

she says it's not because of the A, she was unhappy before

^^I call BS on this as well. All relationships have ups and downs. A third party entered into your relationship without your knowledge.

I'd 180 HARD. You can never "nice" a WS back into the relationship. They need a mega dose of reality.

Edited to add: Please seek counseling and meet with physician if necessary for temporary medications to help you cope.

Hugs to both of you. You WILL get through this.

[This message edited by annb at 10:45 PM, February 2nd (Sunday)]

poison1916 posted 2/4/2014 09:32 AM

thank you all for your support with helping me get through the past few days. i am sorry to inform but my WW and I will be separating completely. i hope that we will be able to remain friends. she is my best friend in the whole world and i still love her to pieces.

as i said before we talked on the phone and i got to say goodbye. she came home for a bit (with a guy friend for "protection". as if i would fight with her anymore!) to get some fresh clothes and toiletries. we talked for a bit, she just got her 'silent angry' with everything i said. "i would tell her it's over, i understand and agree. i do still love you and want you to be safe and happy, but us is done." she would act like me expressing my feelings is wrong. well guess what b' it's not! i told her that i was deeply scared by her A. she did manage to say "I'm sorry". I'm not sure what she said she was sorry for because it was just "I'm sorry".

i dont think she thinks the A was wrong. it has officially sundered both my home and that of ((drainedandbroken)). i feel strongly that her WH is a [something not nice] for what he did to their home, regardless of what he did to mine. I asked herto read the healing library article titled "Details of An Affair - Start to End - KhristinaC & H". She said that is made her see a lot of similarities till she got to the end where it said "If you take the time, you may recall that before this affair started, you never had anyone telling you that you were unhappy with your current situation." She read it as "no one ever told you, that you were unhappy before" and because of that she doesnt think the article is about "her." The fact is people DID tell her before she seemed unhappy (none brought this up to me though, hence why i know i do not have friends here). she hasn't gone to counciling. she doesnt seem to be considering actually going. she is doing things friends every night. I feel like she is just rugsweeping. I know our partnership is over. I know that I will heal. I am afraid for her because I do love her. I am afraid of what will happen to this gentle person I once devoted myself to. i feel like we should be able to talk about it, to reconcile our feelings towards each other. i know we cannot reconcile our partnership.

we are sorting out the financials Friday. we already have a base agreement in place. it is only a slight alteration of the contingency plan we discussed before we bought the house.

old plan: sell everything. pay off all debts. left over money she gets (it was her money in the first place, but my credit).

new plan: i will leave. i do not work here. i do not have friends here (i have found this out the hard way over the past few days). in exchange for me leaving she will buy me out of all shared debts. she will pay me for all shared belongings i am leaving behind (since it would have otherwise been sold). she will keep the house. she will keep both cats for now, i will be taking my cat once i find somewhere i can have her. i will be getting this in writing.

i feel like this is a good plan. i really dont think i want to leave her, maybe it is just a way of coping with this trauma. she however wants to leave me.

i have gotten myself to a good place over the past few days. was a complete wreck. i finally told my family and close friends (none are in the area, like she has). I no longer feel alone.

she seems so mad. like this is all my fault. i like was the one who made her unhappy. i was the one who made her look elsewhere for the things i should have given her, to have an A. i feel like she resents me. i understand it is over. i am deeply saddened it is over. she still refuses to come home. i bought a bed for her upstairs, well away from where i would be in the house. there are two bathrooms. we would only see each other in the kitchen. i will fully admit i have some blame for her unhappiness. i have no blame for her A, and the way she ended our partnership.

ZedLeppelin posted 2/5/2014 01:58 AM

I am genuinely sorry for what has happened to you. The affair was not your fault.

However...and please don't take the following too personal:

When the hell are you going to stand up for yourself?!?!

Finding out the woman you love has been cheating on you is tough - it sucks. But even now after her affair has come to light you are letting her walk all over you.

In the beginning, you failed and failed to stand up for yourself. With regards to her activities before breaking up - you should have put your foot down and imposed consequences. You confronted her but did nothing to actually change her behavior. You cannot control someone else, but you can make it crystal clear that you will not put up with any bullshit otherwise you will divorce. With no consequences, she felt safe and kept on going.

After finding out she essentially flaunted the affair in your face. What was your response? Essentially dropping down to your knees lowering your worth to her even more. At this time she was loving it. Here, she had two men fighting for her affections - a huge ego boost. She was laughing at you. Even now after breaking your heart you still cling onto her.

If this was me, there is no fucking way i agree to anything without seeing a lawyer. She wants to move on - fine. But since she cheated and wants to leave, then you get the best possible deal you can get. Why the hell should you leave the house? Why should you be the one move away? She cheated, she can move in with her lover in his house. Why should you run away after her actions? Stand your ground.

I would get a lawyer and file for divorce first. She does not care about you. Time to man up and start looking after yourself. Implement 180.



SadInNC posted 2/5/2014 05:36 AM

Hey Poison, just thinking about you and wanted to give my support after reading your last post. Keep doing the 180 and stay strong!

crisp posted 2/5/2014 06:54 AM

Poison - One very important part of this is your credit and the house you bought with her. So long as your name is on the mortgage, you will have trouble getting another home or any other large purchase. Make sure the house is either sold or she refinances.

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