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How much do I want to know?

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bradley posted 2/1/2014 20:40 PM

Found out my wife slept with my cousin (ten years her younger), three different times. Sick, enraged, sad... all of it. I'm not quitting her or our family (3 kids, 9, 6, 4) just yet though. The thing is that my mind still races with the images and part of me yearns for all the details... everything. Yes, on some level it turns me on.

My question is how much do I want to know? My mind will race regardless, right? Does knowing every detail lessen that or am I just fooling myself because of the sexuality aspect... that it turns me on?

Chippednotbroken posted 2/1/2014 20:47 PM

You will always wonder if there is more. Always wonder if what you know is the truth. You want to know what they did, how they did it etc. I don't think anything helps really. Have you and her not been intimate lately? Have you thought about her with someone else in a fantasy way before? You may be experiencing a sort of hysterical bonding feeling, you just want to reclaim her, it's not so much the affair but the thought of taking her back. Or I could be just babbling myself. Are worried that what you feel is weird?

hurtingfool posted 2/1/2014 20:54 PM

I'm not gonna lie, and I've made it pretty clear that I don't mind the sex issue, I liked the idea of it. I got the details, and really, with my background I was fine for a day. Then I felt inadequate. That lasted a day or so until I remembered I never felt that way about any of the couples we've been with or the threesome we had and I got over it.

The real details I wanted were on how long she had been lying to me and talking to me like she couldn't wait to see me. I don't know how this is gonna affect me in intimate situations yet, but as long as I remember what I believed before it doesn't bother me.

My only problem is believing she told me everything I had asked about at this point. If you think you can handle the details, and in some way it might help the relationship that you guys are starting over, then go for it. If it is gonna be a sticking point for you, might have to go the IC route. I am, just not for that reason yet.

bradley posted 2/2/2014 09:27 AM

I had fantasized of her with another man before, and she knew that this was something that turned me on. We were always very open in this regard... about who we deemed "fuckable" or hot, what turned us on, etc... I always viewed it as honest and healthy (at least not unhealthy, IMO). And really, I might have entertained the idea of her with another man... too hard to say if I would have gone through with it.

When we first started talking in greater detail I started to ask for more and more details. She couldn't handle it, asking if this was a good idea? I admitted to the arousal aspect. She offered to have sex with me right then. We did. I felt somewhat weak, but it wasn't typical sex either... there was some anger/hostility on my part. She knew this was the case and seemed to welcome it.

I feel like so much is owed to me right now. It doesn't feel healthy. Feel as though I'm taking advantage of the situation... being opportunistic. The notion of me having sex with someone hasn't been in my mind much, it's more the idea of me manipulating her, having her do what I say, when I say... anything... as it is owed to me.

bradley posted 2/2/2014 09:31 AM

And the wanting to know every detail? Where is that going to lead me? Will I just fixate on that? Or does that provide me with some type of closure, puttng an end to all the scenes I create in my mind? Am I better off imaging her sucking-off my cousin, or knowing that she did?

hurtingfool posted 2/2/2014 09:45 AM

I know how you feel. I also don't know how I am going to react when I see my WW. I do know that her lying has made her unattractive to me since we've been talking.

I knew I was gonna think about it anyway. So I wanted an idea of the whole picture. I really can't tell you if it is gonna be better or not. Each person is different. With my situation, I feel a sense of closure, and am pretty confident it will stay that way. You have to really look into yourself and believe in what you can and can't handle.

It sucks, but I don't have much of a better answer than that.

brkn_heartd posted 2/2/2014 10:01 AM

It is so hard to deal with the A of your partner. The thing to remember, is that you can not UNKNOW what you know. Personally, while I did not ask for sexual my heart I know. Even now 4 years later, I struggle with sexual intimacy. I do not enjoy what I know they did together...even though I once enjoyed it very much. I know they did it, because after 24 years of marriage, his sexual behavior is very predictable.

There could be some turn on initially to knowing. My husband and I at one time had the fantasies you describe. I have since understood how unhealthy that was because it cracked the door to the A. While it may be a turn on right now....I promise it will not be for long. The reality is the betrayal hurts. As you navigate the emotions, you may find it erotic, to the most painful thing you have ever gone through.

To decide what I wanted to know, I set time lines for myself to ask questions. For example, if I had a question that was nagging me for over 3 days, I would ask the question. If I forgot the question or had to work hard to remember, I didn't ask it. I am glad to this day, I did not ask for explicit details. I do not think I could have dealt with it.

Hysterical bonding through sex right after discovery of the A is totally normal. There are many emotions involved. The sexual encounters felt very different for me and I felt bad afterwards....I was trying to compare myself to the OW. Some couples bond well during HB.

Take care of your self.

bradley posted 2/2/2014 11:08 AM

Thanks for the feedback. It's appreciated.

Time is about the only answer at this point. And I certainly grasp the concept of not being able to unlearn things. Trying to just breathe for the time being, not make any rash decisions.

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