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Sadmomandwife posted 2/1/2014 21:14 PM

I've been lurking for the last week or so. I'm still beyond floored that I'm here.

I haven't been able to find many posts that have the same questions.

Last Wednesday, my world shattered at 12:55pm in front of my class (fortunately I was able to hold it together long enough to get them to lunch). I happened to glance down at my phone and saw a message show up as a fb notification. It was a man saying that my husband was recently out of town with his wife and that they had been having a texting/phone relationship for the previous 6 weeks. To make matters worse, it was my business fb page (that I share with my daughter). I was trying to delete the posts as fast as they were coming in but my daughter saw them.

I confronted my husband immediately via text and he just said "we need to talk." Later that evening, he confirmed it all. I feel so betrayed and lost, not to mention embarrassed and a whole world of crazy feelings that seem to switch by the moment.

I eventually saw some very disturbing pictures and read some pretty graphic details (my daughter logged in to her dads email and also saw these).

He has apologized profusely and wants to reconcile. I honestly believe him. He has been very distraught. I do want to stay together as well but I'm having a hard time with the mind movies that continually replay. He told the OW that he wants no further contact. The OW has tried contacting him but I have all of the user names and passwords so I was responding back as him. I feel this crazy need to know all of the details. She fb messages him again yesterday and I responded saying that it was me she was talking to. I basically told her that I refuse to allow her to destroy my marriage of almost 22 years and that we were working on this together. I was not ugly or call her names. I just said to leave us alone and do not contact him again. I then blocked her so she couldn't get any messages through fb.

This morning I woke up to another email on my personal email from her. It had more graphic details of their relationship and went on to say how boring and inadequate I must be for him to have to go to her. I forwarded the email to him. He denied it all and said she was grasping at straws. I want to believe him so badly. I felt like we were making progress. We bought the book After the Affair and are reading it and making notes to each other on the kindle. I just let him hug me for the first time this weekend. He had also not been sleeping in our bed.

I guess my question is this...how long will my mood swings last? I go from ok to mad to sad to questioning to just nothing all in the same day. Is this normal? I know I'm taking him on this crazy ride too. I have a very guilty conscience by nature and then feel bad when I know my distance hurts him. Then I get mad at myself for feeling bad. How long will it take me "to get over" this?

I haven't told anyone outside of my immediate household (my mil (she lives with us) and my oldest daughter. I really feel like I need to talk to someone outside of the family but our best friends are our couple best friends. I'm not sure I should talk to them. It's like I lost my family and best friends all in the same day.

My youngest daughter has no idea what's going on. We are trying to act "normal" around her.

Thanks for sticking with me through my novel. I feel a little better just getting it out. Any proactive advice would be most helpful.

scarednbroken posted 2/1/2014 21:28 PM

First thing I'm going to say is - take care of you. Settle for nothing less than absolute remorse... He must make it right by you....

Second - your daughter that knows, she has my biggest hugs. My DS knows my WH ways in part. He is devastated. He is rebellious against dad. He has lost respect. And he has lost his way... He idolized his dad forever. He ran cross
Country and track and excelled as a result of good genes and desire to please dad. He has given it all up including scholarships to colleges because he wants nothing to so with dad. Ever. Be there for her.

Dad will have to reconcile with her as well as you...

Hugs to you and your daughter..

Sadmumma posted 2/1/2014 21:29 PM

Oh love so sorry your here xx

I'm really not qualified to give advice, beyond that the messages to OW should be coming from him, not you.

There will be others more qualified along shortly to help :)

StruckNumb posted 2/1/2014 21:43 PM

I'm very sorry what's happening to you and your family. I'm no expert but I think you should have the help of a therapist at this time. You're going to experience a large range of emotions in the weeks ahead and you will need a good support system to handle this. And a therapist can also provide some objectivity. My heart goes out to you and your daughter. Don't contact the OW again because she's a predator and truly doesn't care about the welfare of you or your family. Predators only care for their own interests, usually guided primarily by their insatiable, fragile ego...that's why she couldn't speak to you as one human being to another but confronted you with those insults.

TooAloof posted 2/1/2014 22:14 PM

(((Sadmomandwife)))
What you are feeling is normal, and it's not likely to stop anytime soon, unfortunately... The emotional roller coaster you are on is nothing short of absolute terror/ paralysis and shock.

If at all possible, please find someone to confide in, perhaps a therapist, or maybe close friend?
I know the temptation of talking to your DD who already knows, and though she is an adult, I don't really recommend talking to her too much: She is going through her own special hell and disillusionment right now. Poor thing.
Oh my God, I remember those early days, so much shock and Awe... the feeling that you are not even living your own life, it has all turned upside down.

I know how difficult this must be, but the first thing I would do is forward the emails that OW has sent to you/WH back to her BH...
He obviously was trying to attempt to stop the affair by notifying you, and exposing them. Please do the same for him.
She's probably lying through her teeth to him, and don't be surprised (sorry, this is going to hurt)...if your WH is also lying to you still.
Often, when first outed, affairs go underground. The fact that your WH is claiming she is a liar, and that he's done with her.... May be true, but often, it's subterfuge, to throw you off track.

However, the fact that this OW has contacted you and taunted you like that, makes me think, hopefully, that your WH really is trying to throw her under the bus (where she belongs).

Just keep your eyes open, listen, and and take care of yourself...
This is one of the worst things a person can go through... betrayal by the one person you trusted most in the world, the one who was supposed to protect you and love you and have your back... not stab you in it.
Everything you are feeling is normal, I've been through it, so have about 42,000 others, right here on this site.
You'll have a lot of support here,

TA

Oh, and Please, please, stop feeling sorry for your WH's pain... I did the same thing, felt bad for all he was going through!!!! Oh my God, when I look back on it now...
He created this... And guess who gets to bear the pain?
He should be on his hands and knees, begging for your forgiveness, not eliciting sympathy from you.
Take care of you. Put yourself first. He hasn't been, that's a fact.

TA

norabird posted 2/1/2014 23:25 PM

I'm so sorry. Just a few quick reactions...you say you are guilty for distancing, please please work hard to be firm with yourself and stop this feeling when it comes.Talk it down. This is a time to focus on what YOU need. He is only getting consequences that he deserves here. You shouldn't be vindictive, but you have every right to protect yourself without feeling that is somehow selfish. The only selfish one here is your H. You also say that you are accepting his word against hers...while she does sound like a terrible piece of work (I can't imagine receiving that vitriol--ugh!!!), your husband is not to be trusted right now about details. I'm not saying that anything about your inadequacy is the truth (at all!), but I can't tell if your husband is denying that awful claim as he should or denying what she claims they did. If the latter...unfortunately he is possibly just trying to protect himself from getting into more trouble. Hopefully he can be made to understand that any lying or withholding (TT or trickle truth) is extremely devastating.

Lastly....it is just too soon to start wondering about getting over this. It is a trauma. This is not like a broken arm that heals in x weeks. You are absolutely normal to swing wildly in mood but unfortunately the ride will take however long it takes. LOTS of time. Do not being to pressure yourself to heal right now.

Take care of yourself is probably the best advice you can get right now. No big decisions need to be made yet. The disorientation is really severe and time will help...I know that is not much use right now though.

Sadmomandwife posted 2/1/2014 23:55 PM

Thank you all so much for your heartfelt responses. They were all things I needed to hear, especially from people who have been there. Today has been the hardear day so far for me. I'm not sure why, maybe it's that the initial anger has subsided and now I'm left with the worst hurt feeling.

I do try not to talk to my daughter. She is devastated and certainly doesn't need to hear any of the gory details. She wants to talk all the time. I'm trying to just listen and let her get it out. She idolized her dad just like the poster above. In fact, we are (were) a very close knit family. We did everything together. I know she's dealing with way more than a child ?even though she's 19) should have to.

I know I have my own insecurity/guilt/anxiety issues that I need to work through and I think having a sounding board like this one will help. I just wish there was a timeline to tell me that in xx weeks you are going to feel _____, in xx weeks you will feel _____. I'm a fixer by nature and I can't fix this.

I don't think we are going to get through this without the help of a counselor. Do you have any advice on how to find a good one? It's not like I can post on fb asking for recommendations.

Thank you again for all of your responses. It means so much that total strangers can and will reach out to help someone they don't even know.

Sadmomandwife posted 2/2/2014 00:03 AM

One more thing to add...some of you suggested I forward her emails back to her husband. After my WH told me what happened, he told me she texted him to tell him her BS had hit her. She also fb messaged him a couple of days later and said he tried to choke her so she had him arrested.
(It's just one more thing to add to my serious guilty conscience . - like I said I think I've got some issues of my own that I need to work through. )

I think at this point I'm going to figure out how to block her emails from getting to me. We've already banned her from his fb so she can't see anything or message him through that. He has also deleted the app off of his phone. I think it's going to be in my best interest to have both her and her husband blocked from making any contact with us.

Thanks again for listening!

TheAgonyOfIt posted 2/2/2014 00:35 AM

Hi SMAW,

terribly sorry for your recently discovered betrayal. It's hellish, to say the least.

I wanted to respond to your question about how to find a good counselor. Definitely get referrals. Maybe you could start with your GP and your OBGYN, and if there is a women's center in your area, speak with intake and explain your situation and tell them the sort of truly excellent therapist you are seeking. You could also contact any sort of local women's groups or even the hospital psych department if they are well integrated into community. They may deal with different psych issues but may also know about therapists that handle family therapies as well.

Best of luck!!! And so sorry. It's encouraging that your husband is already reading with you.

hopingforhappy posted 2/2/2014 00:40 AM

That whole "my H is abusive" thing is one of the oldest tricks in the book. Please do not let that deter you from sending the messages to her BH. She is trying to manipulate your WH in order to save herself or in order to draw him back into the A. Either way, it is most likely a load of lies.

You are right that it is in your best interest to block her, but be sure to block her from contacting your WH as well. There should be total NC by both of you.

sadtoo posted 2/2/2014 00:42 AM

Welcome to SI. Sorry you have to be here.

One more thing to add...some of you suggested I forward her emails back to her husband. After my WH told me what happened, he told me she texted him to tell him her BS had hit her. She also fb messaged him a couple of days later and said he tried to choke her so she had him arrested.

Wow. For me, this is a big red flag. I have been here a long, long time. And I have seen this many times. The affair has been discovered and the WS discourages his BW from having any contact or continued contact with the other BS because they are violent.

Sorry, but I call bullshit. Did he show YOU these emails that she sent him speaking of this violence and calling the police on her BS? If not, why?

I'm sorry, but it sounds like your WS is desperately trying to keep you from comparing information with the other BS. You need to find out why.

I don't think you have the whole truth yet. Maybe don't be so quick to forgive. Maybe back off the "forgiveness" for a bit until you are sure you have the whole truth and your WS is being honest.

iamsoblind42 posted 2/2/2014 00:47 AM

I am so sorry. It's only been 3 weeks since my DDay but I can tell you I feel 1000 x better than week 1 but I am not moving toward R. I filed for legal separation just days after DDay.

You should absolutely get in counseling right away. It really helped me. I went 3 times the first week. Most counselors will give you a free first session so you can see if you like them. If you don't find another until you do find someone you are comfortable with. Many have websites with bios you can read. I would suggest an IC and an MC when you are ready but for now IC is most important. Take care of you and then your kids. Someone on this site posted something to me at the beginning that was very helpful stating it was like the safety instruction on an airplane "first put on your airbag then assist your children".

Have your WH write a NC letter to OW. That is horrible that she keeps taunting you. She is obviously grasping at straws and at least your WH has realized you are the better woman. Best of luck. {{{Hugs}}}

Mhiimg65 posted 2/2/2014 05:55 AM

I wanted to respond to the emotional issues you are facing. I see some similarities in our situation. Not the OW, because mine had a strictly PA, but I see the love you probably both have for each other and the otherwise (what you thought) was a strong marriage. People have affairs for all kinds of reasons and you should never feel it was because of any inadequacies on your part. It's your WH that has the problems. I'm only 1 month into this myself, so I'm no pro, but I can tell you, you will roller coaster between loving him to death in the good moments, and wanted to slap his face and cut his B**ls off. I find the anger for me is worse at night and I have to deal with it without engaging WH, so I now yell into a journal. We are in MC and he has started IC. I think they have both helped. We've always had a strong marriage, but now I can see where patterns in our lives were beginning to interfere with the good and some of WH's OCD caused him to act in an inappropriate way. And my distancing because of family issues and taking care of my dying mother lead me to not see what was happening. (hindsight is so 20/20) After you wade through all the crap that the OP and WH have put you through, if your marriage is as strong as you believe it to be, you will come out of this with a better, stronger marriage. But, do the 180 no matter what, because WH needs to understand the scope and enormity of his betrayal to you and your children. You need to be in the driver's seat. Like someone training a dog, take control and don't let the dog pee in your house ever again. Good luck, stay strong and if R is what you want, it can happen, but it takes time and lots of energy and a strong will, even when you are hurting beyond belief and can barely function. I, too had no one to confide in, but I have found keeping a journal really helped, coming here has helped and the MC has helped. Hang in there. When you start seeing the mind movies, change the channel as quick as you can. You can do this!!

brkn_heartd posted 2/2/2014 12:13 PM

Sadmom,
There is not a hard fast time line. Everyone is different....however expect 3-5 years. I am on the 5 year plan....we have just finished our 4 year phase and starting into the 5th year. I know that is not what you want to hear, but the pain is so unbearable and the rollercoaster of emotions...it takes that much time. While your husband may want to reconcile now, keep in mind he may also waffle as he is working through his own emotions. Breaking no contact is also not uncommon. Especially if OW is so persistent. Be ready for it. Establish now what your response will be if he breaks your established boundaries. If you decide absolutely no contact and he breaks it...what are you going to do? Do you want to tell him the consequences if he acts or do you keep them to yourself? It is important to establish your boundaries however and let him know those boundaries.

Since your daughter is aware of the what happened, as you make decisions about individual counseling and marital counseling, keep her in mind. She may also need individual counseling.

Do not confuse regret with remorse. He is regretful right now for being caught. Remorse may or may not be demonstrated...that will take his actions to show remorse. His actions to heal yourself and your marriage.

Post here, post often. There is a tremendous amount of support here!

kalimata posted 2/2/2014 21:40 PM

Sadmom:

So sorry you are here. Its a horrible situation finding out like you did. But it appears that your WH is sorry and wants to work towards R. Here are some suggestions:

1) Ask your H to file a restraining order against OW. If he doesn't, then you should contact the police and let them know she is harassing you.
2) Who else is the OW close to? Friends? Family? Expose the affair. Consider posting her on Cheaterville.com
3) Get tested for STDs
4) Don't trust your H. He will likely be in touch with OW over the next few weeks. Monitor his email. Buy a couple of Sony voice acivated recorders (VAR) and store them in the house and in his car. Look for a burner phone that he may be hiding. She will clearly try to contact your WH. Ask him to be prepared on what to say/do when this happens.
5) Go see an attorney. Get D papers drawn up in case your WH decides to back out and continue contact with OW. Know your options. He cheated. Just assume he will lie to you in the future, cheaters always do.
6) Get a new phone # for your WH. Install spyware on it to keep track of texts, but don't tell him about it. Activate the GPS tracking feature on his phone, so you can keep track of where he is.
7) He needs to give you access to all passwords and calendars