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Beckula posted 2/1/2014 21:57 PM

It happened again. Another emotional/possible affair. He says he loves me, he wants to grow old with me but he just isn't wired for monogamy and he can't lie to me or himself anymore. I believe him, stupid I know. I love him too. We are about to have our 11th anniversary and I thought we were the best we have ever been. Then I glanced at his phone when a text message came through..."love you baby"... So he wants to try an open marriage. I hate the idea. I don't want to be with anyone else. I don't like to share. He's already broken the rules before we even started. Sure I could divorce him but I need his support both for childcare for our 3 kids (2 of which have special needs) and financially as I am in nursing school. And I don't want to divorce him. I don't want anyone else, I love him. I just wished I was enough.

scarednbroken posted 2/1/2014 22:01 PM

If you aren't wired for an open marriage then it isn't going to work. Seriously. You will be settling for less than your dreams. Bitterness is the only result. An open marriage means BOTH of you seek others outside the marriage. Will you?? Or is it just for his benefit?

You need to really think if the financials are worth your sacrifice.

naivegirl posted 2/1/2014 22:04 PM

Uggh. I am sure he just wants an open marriage just for him. You will not be happy in that kind marriage if it is something you are agreeing to in order to keep him. Maybe just do the 180 and try to finish school and get your ducks in a row. You deserve better. You don't need to stay married to him to get support and help with the kids. I'm sorry for what you are going through. He sounds like the classic cake eater.

[This message edited by naivegirl at 10:05 PM, February 1st (Saturday)]

Beckula posted 2/1/2014 22:14 PM

A. Nursing school with three kids would be impossible if I had to work the full time hours to pay for rent, car payment, and childcare with a qualified to work with special needs kids babysitter. I can only manage it now due to my Husband working 70 hours a week and taking out the max financial aid. Once I graduate with a RN and get hired, I can support myself no problems. Another issue is that I have kids on the ASD spectrum who are finally making progress and will regress like no one's business if their world changed as much as a divorce would make happen. Every time their schedule changes significantly or a teacher changes it take months to get them back on track and making progress. I would stay just for that reason alone. If it comes down to it, we will live together, stay married but not be together because of it.

B. I don't want to be with anyone else. I also do not want to hold him back. It must really suck for him too.

I feel like no matter what I lose. I guess at least one of us deserves to be happy.

scarednbroken posted 2/1/2014 22:34 PM

Honey, I feel for you. But you deserve happiness too. It's I the constitution... "Pursuit of happiness"

I hope you can find your way. I know autism is hard for parents and the Children... But with the right support you and they can be happy. Your WH is using all these circumstances to get everything he wants and nothing for you...

Have you thought about what the impact on your Children is if their mother becomes severely depressed due to all of the stress and unhappiness? It isn't selfish to take care of yourself. You have to in order to care for your children. Autism does not blind children to their parents feelings - for some it is heightened.

We are here for you....

SadInNC posted 2/1/2014 22:40 PM

Damn, how many more years of school do you have? I understand that you need to set yourself up for a future where you can support yourself and your children WITHOUT a man. Especially, a selfish one like the current one you are now with. I am sorry for you and for your situation. I hope I am not sounding too rough, but sometimes I get really pissed and can't help it. He is so selfish and I hate that you feel like you have to stay in this horrible open marriage just to appease him so that you can afford to go to school. If you must do this, go to school 12 mos out of the year, full time! Get it done and get it done quickly. Then, divorce his ass.

Beckula posted 2/1/2014 23:11 PM

I graduate May 2015. I am in my first year, second semester. I am going as fast as I can but there is no way to get it done any faster.

It's not a question of me deserving happiness. I do deserve it. I'm not going to get it. I honestly think he was the one person in the world for me, and I know people say that but I really believe that it's true in our case. Just to give an example, I was a out and proud lesbian when I met him. I didn't fall in love with him for looks, I fell in love with him as a person and my soul mate regardless of the fact that he was the wrong gender. So if we break up, I will most likely be alone anyway. So I only have that to look forward to. So I came here to get it all out because I can't put this out there to my friends and/or family who will judge us no matter what we decide to do.

ProbableIceCream posted 2/1/2014 23:15 PM

There are people who say that open marriages can work. I personally would never do that and I can't say whether these people are right or wrong.

HOWEVER.. NO ONE with any credibility says that an open marriage can work if either party is forced, enticed, or manipulated into it, or if it's opened in secret.

You want my advice? File for divorce and do the 180. If he loves you, he'll do what he needs to, to earn you back. If not, nothing will work anyway.

My XWW started in 2011 trying very hard to get my permission to open our marriage and she had a specific person in mind. I fought it tooth and nail and she eventually gave up on it. (I believe what happened is that she got tired of the guy and I would be very surprised if she didn't secretly sleep with him. But I had myself convinced that she was trying to do things honestly at the time, so I let it be rugswept...)

I wish that I had just filed back then. Either I'd be further along in my healing now, or stuff would have gotten fixed.

You can't trust him.

painfulpast posted 2/1/2014 23:15 PM

Then I glanced at his phone when a text message came through..."love you baby"... So he wants to try an open marriage.

This isn't an 'open marriage', this is your H cheating. He's got a girlfriend, but he wants you around.You need to make some real decisions. Is there someone else that could help with childcare while you finish school?

You may love him, but is that enough? Is that enough to let him kill your spirit, your belief system, your sanity? What kind of example is this for the children?

I'm so sorry he's putting you through this. Your H is nothing more than a cheater.

k9lover1 posted 2/2/2014 08:47 AM

This makes me so sad. You are throwing away happiness, willing to sacrifice your life for a cheating piece of crap. Yes that is what he is, you may say you love him, but he is abusing you by asking you to do this. How very very sad.

Life is too short for you to throw it away. If your daughter wanted to do this would you encourage it?

He really makes me mad. What a selfish piece of shit.

poison1916 posted 2/2/2014 09:04 AM

I really get what you are saying about the money situation. I am rarely home and work a lot too. I only have cats to worry about at home not kids, but it breaks my heart thinking of hurting them because of something my WW did.

Your kids are tough. My parents just had a D because my father was a WH having many As. There are many things you can do to adjust the budget to make it work alone. It wont be great, but it's possible.

hurtingfool posted 2/2/2014 09:07 AM

There are still rules in open marriages, they still can be broken. As others have said, he's doing it for him, don't let him force you into it. I can't stand crap like that.

doggiediva posted 2/2/2014 09:50 AM

You may love your H, but bottom line, you can't trust him at this point..
I would finish school with him there working full time while getting your ducks in a row...Get GOOD legal advice and follow it..
I don't think you can afford to trust him without protecting yourself legally and financially..

realitybites posted 2/2/2014 10:02 AM

No one can be you and be in your situation. Only you know what you can take and not take. You just found out about another A and by confronting him he now says he wants an open marriage, but I guess he is the only one who is "open" for business?

An open marriage takes 2 people on the same page, meaning if he was really thinking about it he is allowing you (not saying you would)to have lovers as well. He does not understand the concept of an open marriage, its just the first dumb thing he said when caught. Again.

I do think that its really hard when you think everything is going well, life is good, kids are good yet you still have a WS who is a cake eater (I think I have one as well)and yet you as the BS now have to figure out what it is that YOU want. What will you settle with or what will you demand?

And I think it just takes some time to digest that this happened again. To get to the reality of it for you. When you get to that point, whenever that is, I think you will be ready to do whats right for you.

I would suggest if you have not done it yet is to get IC just for you....even if you stay with him....I think it is so hard for a BS to have no support and I think this would be something that helps you as you go along the way.

BrooklynLove posted 2/2/2014 10:07 AM


When I was in nursing school for my ADN I was allowed to take the NCLEX-PN after I finished the first year. Call your state board of nursing and ask them if that is an option for you as every state is different. I worked agency for that final year of getting my associate. Please keep in mind that nurses with associates are having a hard time getting hired so start doing your research about jobs now. Chamberlain's RN-BSN is expensive but a great program because it is all online with no clinicals needed for RN's. I was able to get my BSN in one year. Do not make rash decisions that will leave you and your children financially struggling. I know it is hard but being a single mom with kids with disabilities and having a cheating husband that you are in love with is harder. I am in school for my MSN-FNP now because I need to be financially independent if he ever decides to walk away. Sometimes you have to play the game. Do not update him about your schooling, do the 180 and know that this too shall pass.

Take2 posted 2/2/2014 10:12 AM

Beckula, as I'm sure you know, and as others are reminding you - this course is rife with "issues" and is unlikely to have a happy ending for you. I know that I couldn't do it and I wouldn't recommend you do it either.

But, given the kids and the circumstances, I don't think you should rush to a decision either. I do think you should consult with an atty and see what he advises, what CS would be, and what the potential benefits and deficits could arise if you follow this course. Find out how to best proceed to leave you and the kids in the best possible position, should you call it quits - or should he decide to leave you. Right now he says he doesn't want a D, but 11 years ago he vowed to be faithful. He changed his mind and worse he demonstrated that he is willing to lie to you and go behind your back to get what he wants. You can not and should not rely on his "self-awareness" or future "self-discoveries" to protect you or your children.

I know you think he is being honest, but I don't think either of you are truly in a position to know that. Part of the need for these A's may be the thrill, the excitement of sneaking, which won't be there if everything is in the open. And if you live in an open marriage - and he is pursuing emotional A's - he may decide he "loves" someone else more, or is tired of the demands of family etc., or just can't stand to see you moping...and you may find yourself on the receiving end of D, another reason to discover now the lay of the land financially.

In other words, whatever you do - given the circumstances, I think you need to prepare for a future without him. If that is schooling to financially survive in the future, I get that. A mama bear does what she needs to do. I'd make sure whatever loans you take in the future for school have both your names on them - He is going to benefit down the road financially for all your hard work - the least he can do is take on his legal share of that debt in the future. You are tolerating his needs - he'll need to contend with yours. You want to be sure you are apprised, and have copies of retirement accounts, investments, life insurance and that they provide for you.

You seriously need to consider intimacy as a danger - emotionally for sure, but physically too - to protect yourself. You are a nursing student - enough said.

And please, please, please, get into IC. You are going to need support, goals, time limits, coping mechanisms, and frequent reality checks if you pursue this course. Loving and committing to someone, giving up your world for "the one," only to find that he can't or won't be faithful, is going to suck your soul dry. If you are going to pay that price - be absolutely certain that your financial ass is cover!


I think I can posted 2/2/2014 11:27 AM

How can your soul mate, the one and only guy for you be a cheating selfish piece of crap? The universe doesn't hate you that much.

Please let go of that idea. He's just a guy.

Rella posted 2/2/2014 11:36 AM


Ditto to what scarednbroken said. An open marriage isn't going to work... he'll be happy, you'll be miserable. So you really need to consider the ramifications of this... If WS is really serious that HE needs many women in his life, and YOU need monogamy and commitment, then..... you are not a good match... I know that's scary to think about. Maybe couples counseling can help you both come to a comfortable place either together or apart.


steadfast1973 posted 2/2/2014 11:40 AM

It must be hard for him?? Oh, the poor baby has to live with the choices he's made, and you won't give him permission to cheat...

mal2006 posted 2/2/2014 12:38 PM

I am so sorry you're having to go through this but I have to say DO NOT let this a**hole convince you that you need to have an open marriage. Marriage is about compromise between both partners, not YOU compromising your feelings to allow him to sleep with OW. It's not fair to you. He obviously thinks very little of you if he is willing to hurt you beyond repair just so he can have some girlfriends on the side. It's b*llsh*t IMO.

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