It would be easier if I hated her but I don't. Before the affair started we were two good people that were good friends and then made an incredibly selfish and bad choice. All of the guilt, shame that i have inside and all the hurt and destruction that I have caused, still hasn't stopped thoughts of her from creeping back in.
So I guess my question is what tools/techniques have others used when they find their thoughts going back to the affair or XAP.
I was going to suggest that when those thoughts creep in, picture your wife when she was at her lowest and most devastated. But if you have not confessed then it is not a tool you can use.
Realize that every time you think fondly of the OP it is like twisting a dagger in the BS.
I snapped an elastic band on my wrist HARD and that helped a lot. A trick I learned on here.
every time you think fondly of the OP it is like twisting a dagger in the BS.
Guns don't kill people; Affairs kill people
My therapist says it's not so much about the person, as the feelings associated with the affair. When you catch yourself thinking about AP, try to take a second and see if you're stressed or sad, or whatever. Thinking about her may be a temporary balm to what's ailing you at the moment.
Has your therapist talked about the affect of trying to stop a thought? When you interrupt a thought, it can get stuck in the amygdala (I think) instead of passing through and being stored in memory. So when your AP intrudes, let the thought of her pass through. Then redirect to something else.
Over time, if you're consistent, she'll fade.
Oh, and another thing. Stop defending AP. Good person and friend? My ass. She's a damaged, pathetic shithead who thought it was ok to fuck another woman's husband. Maybe she's seek redemption, who knows, but that's not your problem. FTB.
20WrongsVs1, I like everything about your post EXCEPT for the last paragraph which I felt was unnecessary. You are name calling a woman you don't know anything about.
Married 8 years.
DDay: March 2012
Marriedman2013 - my question is what tools/techniques have others used when they find their thoughts going back to the affair or XAP.
I've bumped up the thread that smez mentioned. http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=519532
Depending on the amount of entanglement that you had with the AP, achieving indifference can be something that takes TIME to resolve. While indulging in the affair fantasy is equal to emotional contact, fleeting thoughts of the AP are to be expected as your sub-conscious mind brings up memories due to triggers. Give it time for the indifference to set in and take root.
[This message edited by HUFI-PUFI at 1:52 PM, February 3rd (Monday)]
You''re new, so I totally get why you bristled at my "namecalling." See, I''m a *recovering* pathetic shithead who was totally cool with fucking other women''s husbands. So, I gotta disagree with you and say, I know all I need to know about OP''s AP. It ain''t "namecalling" if it''s true.
My point was, as long as OP sees the AP as "a friend" and "a good person," he''s more likely to have fond thoughts of her. Reframing her as a flawed, damaged soul whose presence in his life was nothing but toxic...may help him evict her from his mind.
[This message edited by 20WrongsVs1 at 9:50 PM, February 3rd, 2014 (Monday)]
Me being new doesn't excuse your name calling. Read what he actually wrote..."BEFORE the affair", we were both good people...
I'm inclined to believe him. I don't think he or the A started out horrible people bent on hurting people. I believe he was good friends with her and now he screwed up his marriage and a friendship. That I understand.
I read your profile and let me go out on a limb here because I see the same type of people name call on threads ALL the time. It bothers YOU that he had a friendship with the A before it happened. It bothers YOU that he still thinks fondly of her...why?
My theory is that the ones doing most of the name calling are the ones that had ONS and A where they really didn't know the people that they were sleeping with. It drives them crazy to hear other people talk about their A in any other manner than disrespectful and rude.
Why because then you have to admit that you debased yourself for very little "currency"...a phrase that I have heard on other threads. It doesn't take an friendship or an "I love you" to get you to disrespect your wedding vows and spread your legs. It makes you feel dirty and cheap when you hear about other people's A that were friends or professed love to each other. It can't possibly be real because you didn't have that and it hurts to read how other people felt it did.
It is entirely possible to address his issue in a neutral kind of way.
They both made mistakes. They both are flawed people. They both ruined a friendship and he ruined his marriage. He needs help with coping methods to move on, which were provided to him in a nice, empathy way. See, no name calling.
I have no issue with HIM calling the AP names but I take issue with random people bashing other women based on their own basis. There is entirely to much of people calling other women "whores" and what not.
She's a damaged, pathetic shithead who thought it was ok to fuck another woman's husband.
@Smez, I think it might be worth you looking into why you don't like we waywards being described simply as what we are. We are not good people who made an unfortunate mistake.
We are as 20WrongsVs1 so eloquently stated "damaged, pathetic shitheads" who willingly chose to cheat on our spouses. Our actions have determined what kind of person we are.
With a lot of work we can change our actions and hopefully redeem ourselves and be better people.
"Do not say a little in many words but a great deal in a few." Pythagoras
There are two kinds of people in the world.
Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.
20WrongsVs1 - She's a damaged, pathetic shithead who thought it was ok to fuck another woman's husband.
Sorry for the T/J...
Damaged ... absolutely, as we all agree that at some level, all WS's have some internal damage that allowed us to enter into an affair when we knew that this behavior was immoral and wrong.
Pathetic ... perhaps, because quite a few of us have shown a remarkably long history of this bad behavior of cheating, lying and deception. Saying that we have a pathetic history of pathetic behaviors may be quite accurate at times.
Shithead ...this is probably where it went off the rails. This descriptor, IMHO, is indicative of the words used when anger, vindictiveness and hurt are the predominant feelings. To me, the use of this word is like throwing the word stupid or retarded into the conversation. Name calling.
Using the guidelines of fair fighting, it's better to focus your anger on behavior, not personality. "I'm pissed off at the horrible thing you did!" is much less likely to cause a negative reaction than "You're a horrible person!" Even in our protected forum, we should be striving to be fair and accurate in our words so this sort of thing doesn't occur.
- End of T/J -
[This message edited by HUFI-PUFI at 7:26 AM, February 4th (Tuesday)]
It makes you feel dirty and cheap when you hear about other people's A that were friends or professed love to each other.
Not only are you baselessly slinging mud, but your assessment is way off. This isn't about me, though, and the only person's assessment I care about is BH's.
The OP's question was, what tools/techniques do we use. I answered. YMMV.
And for what it's worth, I liked your post minus the last paragraph.
Because someone doesn't agree with you, doesn't mean you hit a nerve.
Let it go.
My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.
I understand what others have to do to heal from their situation, but that is not the route that is benefical for me
but that is not the route that is benefical for me
[This message edited by SlowUptake at 4:51 AM, February 5th (Wednesday)]