Welcome to SI. I'm so very sorry for your sadness right now. We have strong shoulders for leaning on, and much experience.
This is a very difficult time for you, and it will be hard but you need to take care of yourself: eating enough and getting enough sleep. An EA is just as hurtful as a PA, so you both might consider professional help with a MC. It sounds like you both have a good chance to R, if that is in your plans. But the ability for success will depend on prompt intervention like immediate MC. The toughest thing is to learn how to communicate productively while under this heavy relationship strain.
Best Wishes and {{{Hugs}}}
When his family jokingly tells you of how "spoiled" HE was as a child, RUN- It doesn't change when they get older!
I don't have much advice but I'll echo Rella. Get into marriage counseling ASAP. There is a lot that needs to get into the open if the marriage is going to survive and get stronger.
Peace and strength.
I'm not defending OW. I'm just telling you what we've all learned about infidelity - cheaters lie, to everyone.
So what does your H want to do? Is he willing to stay away from OW, including no text, phone calls, etc.? True NC?
After he spoke to her those two other times AFTER I had already told him not to, I spoke to him about it again and he said that he had misunderstood and will certainly stay away from her.
I have to ask, how does one 'misunderstand' the phrase, "don't talk to her anymore!" I find his lame excuse for talking to her AFTER you told him not to - that he 'misunderstood,' - a complete insult to your intelligence after all he's done. He understood your request perfectly and he knows it. Unfortunately, most affair partners don't just cut contact with each other after a D-DAY; they just find another way to be sneakier about keeping in touch while trying to fly lower under the radar and waiting for the dust to settle.
I think you also need to consider getting STD testing. Cheaters never admit to anything more than they absolutely have to, so if these two had the opportunity to spend any time together in the same room at all, the chances are extremely high that it was more than just a flirtatious friendship or EA. Especially since your husband was basically living alone and pretty much free to come and go as he pleased without having to answer to anyone.
Right now, I know you're trying to trust him but quite honestly, he's not worthy of any trust at ALL. If anything, you need to step up your awareness because it's highly likely he's still in contact with her. I also think down the road you'll have to prepare yourself for more 'truth' as you find out more information about this affair (maybe you'll finally wear him down interrogating him one day). Most of us do have to deal with 'trickle truth' (TT) after the affair. But it's pretty much a certainty that just about no one gets the whole story on D-Day. Some eventually find out the EA was actually a PA, some who were told it lasted a year find out it was actually 5 years; some who were told sex only happend 10 times find out it happend 100 times. The point is that there's always more 'truth' to be learned, so guard your heart and try to stay prepared for that eventuality.
Claiming his impatience with you is "really because he's so mad at himself," sounds a bit contrived. I think he's just trying to tell you what he thinks you want to hear. It's incredibly selfish of him to be irritated with you because you're not just giving him a free pass and pretending all is fine with the world. That speaks volumes about his lack of remorse about this whole thing.
For now Kristen, I wouldn't trust him as far as you can throw him. The clear majority of us here, like you, wanted to start trusting our cheating spouses again too - and pretty much ALL of us had the rug yanked out from underneath us when we discovered they were still in touch with their affair partners. They were just using new secret email accounts that they'd just opened, hidden pay-as-you-go cell phones, untraceable apps on their smartphones/iPhones for chatting/emailing/texting/video chatting, etc. etc. which don't leave a trail on the cell phone bill, and the list goes on and on. Giving us access to their email accounts means nothing when they've opened a new secret one we know nothing about. Letting us read their texts means nothing when everything they're doing is now contained within an app that doesn't leave a trail on the phone or on your cell phone bill. Ugh.
You take as long as you need to heal. He needs to find a way to deal with his 'irritation' because he doesn't GET it, Kristen. It's still about HIM.
Good luck to you.
When I first came to SI people would warn me that there would be more, that her behavior was not what it should be and that I should go stealth to gather information. I wanted to believe my situation was different, because this was the person that loved me so good for so long. In my mind it HAD to be a one-time mistake, right? I dismissed a lot of the warnings from other members. Looking back, every single time I was warned and told there was something else going on I should have listened. The advice and experience on here is amazing, and the uniqueness of each situation is more minimal than I could have expected, though I do hope your situation turns out different than mine has so far.
I am sending you hugs and comforting thoughts, because this a rough road you just found yourself on. It isn't fair that you got here, you don't deserve to be here, and now you are left with tough task of fixing yourself and trying to decide if WS is worth waiting to see if it's fixable. Know that you are not alone. Make sure you understand that there is nothing you could have done to prevent the EA and nothing you can do to "make" WS respond in a way that will heal the relationship. Focus on you. My heart goes out to you and what you need. If he is able to respond positively to you in a way that expresses true remorse with no contact and transparency while fixing himself, then that's great. Take it as he demonstrates it, not simply from words.
Follow the advice on here. Read about the 180. Get plenty of rest, water and food. Find a healthy activity to focus your energy and distract you from the pain when it's possible.
Your WH needs to write this person a NC letter, one that you get to read and approve. Then send it together. Do not take his word for it that he has told her he has to stop talking to her. Then her number needs to be blocked. You need to have full transparency with regard to his phone, computer, etc. He has broken your trust and these are the first steps to earning it back.
You have come to the right place, we are all behind you!
It has to be built up...have complete access to everything. Do not feel guilty about not giving him something he doesn't deserve.
