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Emotional Infedelity

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KristenC posted 2/2/2014 12:04 PM

My husband and I have been in a long distance relationship for two years for other reasons. Before then we lived together. I just moved in with him and he admitted of having an emotional relationship with another woman during the month in which I was working on moving to live near him again... The night I found out we were laying in bed, talking... And the way the conversation was going, I don't think he would've told me if I hadn't asked about her. He talked about how she had been going through all this trouble...and his eyes lit up and he smiled and said 'We just get each other.'. I fell apart. Now he wants to take back how he said it. But I cant get that out of my head. I told him not to talk to her again but last night he told me they've spoken twice...and I just feel lifeless. I cant cry in front of him at all, I just tense up and automatically become stone-faced. I cant talk about it. I don't want to see her, who she is, what she looks like. I'd want to punch her, because she knew he was married and didn't respect that. I'd also be worried Id end up comparing myself to her for the rest of my life. Yesterday we spent nine hours trying to talk about it. I maybe talked for thirty minutes out of that entire nine hours. I don't know what to do!

Rella posted 2/2/2014 12:21 PM


Welcome to SI. I'm so very sorry for your sadness right now. We have strong shoulders for leaning on, and much experience.

This is a very difficult time for you, and it will be hard but you need to take care of yourself: eating enough and getting enough sleep. An EA is just as hurtful as a PA, so you both might consider professional help with a MC. It sounds like you both have a good chance to R, if that is in your plans. But the ability for success will depend on prompt intervention like immediate MC. The toughest thing is to learn how to communicate productively while under this heavy relationship strain.

Best Wishes and {{{Hugs}}}

strangeasfiction posted 2/2/2014 12:25 PM

Sorry to meet you under these circumstances. This must be incredibly difficult for you. Please don't let anyone ever tell you that it's just an emotional affair and therefore no big deal. Most of all, don't let him tell you that. For me and undoubtedly for others, the EA hurts more than the PA.

I don't have much advice but I'll echo Rella.
Get into marriage counseling ASAP. There is a lot that needs to get into the open if the marriage is going to survive and get stronger.

Peace and strength.

painfulpast posted 2/2/2014 12:27 PM

Hi KC, sorry you find yourself here. Regarding her knowing he was married - I would bet your H told her that you'd been living apart for 2 years and that the only thing missing was an official divorce. People that enter into these relationships lie - on both sides. They do it to get what they want from the other person - compliments, sex, money, etc. Whatever it is they want, they lie to get.

I'm not defending OW. I'm just telling you what we've all learned about infidelity - cheaters lie, to everyone.

So what does your H want to do? Is he willing to stay away from OW, including no text, phone calls, etc.? True NC?

KristenC posted 2/2/2014 23:38 PM

Thank you all. He says that he wants nothing more than to stay and work things out. After he spoke to her those two other times AFTER I had already told him not to, I spoke to him about it again and he said that he had misunderstood and will certainly stay away from her. At this point in time, his words don't mean much to me. Although I do listen. I just really want to see it. With the way he acts, he seems impatient; like he wants me skip over this grieving but he says he is just mad at himself. We haven't spoken much about it after that talk. Its so frustrating to see him on his phone, he doesn't hide it from me but my mind automatically jumps to 'Its her.' I don't want to snatch the phone away or bug him, I want to try to trust him... The wounds just fresh. Maybe his supposable constant willingness to reassure me will help. We'll see. No money for a MC as of right now, we are struggling with bills. But maybe a look around at some of the local organizations in my town will lead us somewhere that offers something for free or super inexpensive.

NeverAgain2013 posted 2/3/2014 08:57 AM

After he spoke to her those two other times AFTER I had already told him not to, I spoke to him about it again and he said that he had misunderstood and will certainly stay away from her.

Kristin, I'm so sorry you find yourself here.

I have to ask, how does one 'misunderstand' the phrase, "don't talk to her anymore!" I find his lame excuse for talking to her AFTER you told him not to - that he 'misunderstood,' - a complete insult to your intelligence after all he's done. He understood your request perfectly and he knows it. Unfortunately, most affair partners don't just cut contact with each other after a D-DAY; they just find another way to be sneakier about keeping in touch while trying to fly lower under the radar and waiting for the dust to settle.

I think you also need to consider getting STD testing. Cheaters never admit to anything more than they absolutely have to, so if these two had the opportunity to spend any time together in the same room at all, the chances are extremely high that it was more than just a flirtatious friendship or EA. Especially since your husband was basically living alone and pretty much free to come and go as he pleased without having to answer to anyone.

Right now, I know you're trying to trust him but quite honestly, he's not worthy of any trust at ALL. If anything, you need to step up your awareness because it's highly likely he's still in contact with her. I also think down the road you'll have to prepare yourself for more 'truth' as you find out more information about this affair (maybe you'll finally wear him down interrogating him one day). Most of us do have to deal with 'trickle truth' (TT) after the affair. But it's pretty much a certainty that just about no one gets the whole story on D-Day. Some eventually find out the EA was actually a PA, some who were told it lasted a year find out it was actually 5 years; some who were told sex only happend 10 times find out it happend 100 times. The point is that there's always more 'truth' to be learned, so guard your heart and try to stay prepared for that eventuality.

Claiming his impatience with you is "really because he's so mad at himself," sounds a bit contrived. I think he's just trying to tell you what he thinks you want to hear. It's incredibly selfish of him to be irritated with you because you're not just giving him a free pass and pretending all is fine with the world. That speaks volumes about his lack of remorse about this whole thing.

For now Kristen, I wouldn't trust him as far as you can throw him. The clear majority of us here, like you, wanted to start trusting our cheating spouses again too - and pretty much ALL of us had the rug yanked out from underneath us when we discovered they were still in touch with their affair partners. They were just using new secret email accounts that they'd just opened, hidden pay-as-you-go cell phones, untraceable apps on their smartphones/iPhones for chatting/emailing/texting/video chatting, etc. etc. which don't leave a trail on the cell phone bill, and the list goes on and on. Giving us access to their email accounts means nothing when they've opened a new secret one we know nothing about. Letting us read their texts means nothing when everything they're doing is now contained within an app that doesn't leave a trail on the phone or on your cell phone bill. Ugh.

You take as long as you need to heal. He needs to find a way to deal with his 'irritation' because he doesn't GET it, Kristen. It's still about HIM.

Good luck to you.

peoplepleaser posted 2/3/2014 10:13 AM

I agree with NeverAgain2013, unfortunately. I began visiting SI after my first DDay and my WS's responses to me seemed very hopeful but the actions were similar to yours. Over time she slowly lost the remorse (which was really regret) and compassion and began slowly attacking me for how I ruined the relationship leading to her EA. Four months after I discovered another one from 2 1/2 years prior, at which time she launched into full blame shifting with no remorse or transparency. What I've come to realize is with EA as patterns, there are behaviors throughout the entire relationship by the WS that contribute to the "unexpected" opportunities for the EAs. So while she may have only had 2 EAs, she was betraying the relationship all along by engaging those behaviors.

When I first came to SI people would warn me that there would be more, that her behavior was not what it should be and that I should go stealth to gather information. I wanted to believe my situation was different, because this was the person that loved me so good for so long. In my mind it HAD to be a one-time mistake, right? I dismissed a lot of the warnings from other members. Looking back, every single time I was warned and told there was something else going on I should have listened. The advice and experience on here is amazing, and the uniqueness of each situation is more minimal than I could have expected, though I do hope your situation turns out different than mine has so far.

I am sending you hugs and comforting thoughts, because this a rough road you just found yourself on. It isn't fair that you got here, you don't deserve to be here, and now you are left with tough task of fixing yourself and trying to decide if WS is worth waiting to see if it's fixable. Know that you are not alone. Make sure you understand that there is nothing you could have done to prevent the EA and nothing you can do to "make" WS respond in a way that will heal the relationship. Focus on you. My heart goes out to you and what you need. If he is able to respond positively to you in a way that expresses true remorse with no contact and transparency while fixing himself, then that's great. Take it as he demonstrates it, not simply from words.

Follow the advice on here. Read about the 180. Get plenty of rest, water and food. Find a healthy activity to focus your energy and distract you from the pain when it's possible.

hopingforhappy posted 2/3/2014 10:28 AM

KristenC, you are a very smart woman--when you say that at this point, his words don't mean much, you have hit the nail on the head. Watch his actions. I get the impatience=mad at himself part. My FWH took a long time to get to the point where he could discuss his A in a calm, rational way. He had a difficult time putting his own emotions of shame, fear, etc. aside. But he has learned to do it and your WH can as well, if he works at it.

Your WH needs to write this person a NC letter, one that you get to read and approve. Then send it together. Do not take his word for it that he has told her he has to stop talking to her. Then her number needs to be blocked. You need to have full transparency with regard to his phone, computer, etc. He has broken your trust and these are the first steps to earning it back.

You have come to the right place, we are all behind you!

hopefulmother posted 2/3/2014 14:00 PM

You are not going to be able to just "trust" him after this.

It has to be built up...have complete access to everything. Do not feel guilty about not giving him something he doesn't deserve.

Hannah25 posted 2/3/2014 14:25 PM

For me the EA was much more difficult than the PA. The line that I can't forget was "we were drawn to each other". It makes me want to throw up.

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