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mal2006 posted 2/2/2014 12:31 PM

After yesterday I'm to the point where I'm not sure that I want to R. I made WH sleep in the guest room when he got home from work which is where he is right now. Usually I have the desire to wake him and talk but right now I could care less. I feel like I don't even know him. He used to put me up on a pedestal like he was so proud to have me but then I find out all these horrible things he's said and done. He said that crap about how sometimes he wishes other girls had hit on him before we met and that he'd had more experiences before we met but to me that means "I wish I hadn't met you." He says that's not what he means but how can I not feel that way? I asked him if the physical things he did with other girls were better than when he does those things with me and he immediately said "HELL no" so I'm just like "THEN WHY WOULD YOU DO IT?!" And the only response I get is "I don't know." He makes me feel like I'm not good enough and that's why I want to just push him away. I used to struggle with all kinds of self esteem issues and he made me feel beautiful always. I said before that I loved myself but it wasn't always that way. I actually lost 100+ pounds about 3 years ago (and come to think of it, I think that is when bigger issues started). He never told me I was fat or anything like that, but he would tell me that if it bothered me I should just do something about it and he would support that. So I did and NOW I feel great about myself, I also quit drinking and got back into school. I want the person I'm married to to think I am the most beautiful, smart, responsible, funny, hardworking, sexy person he's ever met and I believe he USED to think that before I ever thought it about myself, and now that I believe it too he doesn't anymore. I won't go back to the way I was before and I won't let his actions push me into that. I guess that's why I just want to get away. I don't know that I can ever forgive him either and I don't want him to be miserable with me forever even though he has completely destroyed me with this crap. I have always been extremely jealous over anything I feel is "mine" and now that other people have used what is "mine" I don't know if I want it back. Metaphorically speaking, no amount of scrubbing will ever get the OW(s) fingerprints off my pretty picture of my happy marriage. It's tarnished and I don't think it will ever come clean.

nekorb posted 2/2/2014 13:15 PM


I'm sorry. What awful things your WH says!! Geez!

You should feel so proud of yourself for the positive changes you've made in your life. Keep making them and don't worry about what WH thinks about it.

mal2006 posted 2/2/2014 13:48 PM

Thank you. I am very proud of myself especially for getting sober (Feb 18th will be ONE YEAR!!) but I think it just makes this situation harder. Like, why am I not good enough even after everything I've done to make myself better? WH says to stop thinking like that and there is nothing wrong with me, it's him. Still can't stop those feelings though. WH says part of this is that I was "too good" for him in the first place and when I went and got "even better" that he just knew I was going to leave him. He said he thought I would never want to have children with him and that I would just use him for his money to get me through school and when I could support myself I would leave him high and dry. Does any of this make sense or is he just saying what he thinks he needs to say to keep me around? I just don't know anymore.

brkn_heartd posted 2/2/2014 14:57 PM

So sorry you are hurting. I had a friend that was in a similar situation with losing weight and immediate marital problems. They ended getting a divorce, her husband could not handle the thought that she was beautiful and was fearful that she would also leave him. It so didn't make sense to her or to me, but it happened. Maybe what he says makes sense to him....but remember ultimately he is BROKEN. Regardless, this is not about you...this is about him. He broke your marriage not you.

It is ok that this is your deal breaker. Everyone responds differently to this. There is no right or wrong way to respond for everyone. Only the right way for you. If this is a deal breaker for you, that is ok. Fortunately, you do not have to make a decision now. As you continue to go through your emotions, you may change your mind many times through the process. That is normal too.

Support being sent to you.

norabird posted 2/2/2014 15:13 PM

He sounds like a very insecure man. Clearly all your positive moves in life threatened him. Is that fair or the right reaction? No. But it lets you know how immature and lacking in confidence he is. Instead of being happy for you he only became fearful for his place in your life. And to make his ego feel better instead of showing strong character or taking it as a growth opportunity, he did something that was almost passive aggressively directed at you.

I'm so sorry but trust me it is better to find this out about him sooner rather than later. He absolutely needs to get IC if R is even to be an option. Note that it's fine for it not to be an option! This type of insecurity can be very poisonous.

At least be proud of yourself for your positive changes in life. You are in a great position as a result of all your hard work and he can't take that awY from you.

mal2006 posted 2/2/2014 15:36 PM

Thanks guys. I think right now I just don't even know what I want to do in the long run but I do know that I don't want to make the decision hastily. I am so disgusted with him I just want to throw in the towel but I can't let myself do that just yet. We will see what happens...

peoplepleaser posted 2/2/2014 19:39 PM

Our stories about ourselves in our relationships is very similar. It brought tears to my eyes to read it. I lost weight and have been working out, too. My WS made me feel beautiful, even when I didn't feel that way myself. She also seemed to put me on a pedestal. At first she was very regretful, but not really remorseful. As time went on and she TT she was less and less understanding of my pain. After DDay 2 she changed completely and began blame shifting and telling me she had always been miserable in the relationship. Now she waffles between realizing what she's done and feeling ashamed, and attacking me. I've had to do the 180. I'm not sure where we will end up. I can tell you that it helped me to read the a Wayward posts. I found one on codependency that was amazingly accurate to our situation. I'm wondering if our situations relationship-wise are similar enough that you might benefit from reading it, too.

I hate that we are here. I'm so sorry for your pain. You are in good company.

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