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This used to be one of my favorite days of the year

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MadeOfScars posted 2/2/2014 13:53 PM

It's Superbowl Sunday. For a die-hard NFL fan like me, this is like Christmas. I'm usually giddy with anticipation with friends and family coming over, beer on ice and snacks a plenty.

Then there's today. D-day was 2 weeks ago tomorrow, and I'm still full of anger, frustration, hurt, and confusion. I'm still a shell of who I used to be not long ago. I wonder if this knot in my stomach is permanent. I wonder when/if I'll be able to eat normally again. I wonder if I'll ever have the energy to pull myself up and start rebuilding me.

I wonder why I miss her so terribly. i wonder why all I want is her in my arms, despite the hell she has put me through. This is the longest I've gone without talking to her since we met. Is she still wanting to try and fix this or do I need to officially move on? How long can I stay in limbo?

I've talked to so many people in this forum and out there in the "real world" who have been through this. It's both comforting and saddening that there are so many who have walked this road. I see people who have moved on and rebuilt their lives. I know people who have reconciled even. They tell me to get up, get busy, make sure I eat and sleep, like its that simple. I am seriously wondering if I'm permanently broken. There have been a few brief respites from the pain, but I just don't have the strength right now to do what I need to do. I'm barely getting by it seems.

So, at 35 years old, I will be watching the Superbowl this year with my mom. Don't get me wrong; I'm thankful she's been here for me. That said, I face a seemingly insurmountable mountain of questions, issues, sleepless nights and unending nausea. I gotta believe it'll get better, but damn, even my favorite day of the year just seems like "oh well."

Sorry for rambling, just needed to get this out. It's not too early for a beer, is it?

traicionada posted 2/2/2014 14:42 PM

It's never too early for a beer on super bowl Sunday or that's at least what my BIL claims BTW, the holidays post d-day are always rough but at the same time they are a powerful reminder that life goes on so try to enjoy the game, your mother's company and whatever sense of normalcy you can find. Oops! I almost forgot might the best team win, whoever that's since I honestly go no clue who's playing

brkn_heartd posted 2/2/2014 14:45 PM

I can relate to exactly what you are feeling. During the early times in my husband has his A, I felt the same way. I didn't feel alive for at least 2 years. Each of us are different, but it does get better. I promise you. For me, I robotically did things that at one time had given me pleasure. In your case, watch the superbowl. I expect it will be hard to concentrate, but you will have a few brief moments of normalacy. Keep building on those moments. Eventually, you will develop an hour of normalacy, a few hours, a day and then longer. It is hard to feel happiness....for me it was hard to feel anything...but you can do this.

It is not too early for beer in moderation! Have fun with your Mom...even if only a few moments at a time. You might ask her before the game to leave the game as a "question free zone". That way you do not have to worry about the questions during that time.

Jduff posted 2/2/2014 16:18 PM

You have our permission to enjoy the Super Bowl. Seriously, for the next few hours the situation won't change, but you will inch forward to strength. Take advantage of it and laugh at those great commercials.
I had to give myself permission to enjoy life before I could move forward. Before, I would feel guilty about it like I felt like I was abandoning the situation and didn't deserve to be happy. I had to start small, but once I got going a little at time my positive outlook began building on itself.
So, give yourself permission to enjoy the game today. I have. Go Seahawks!

PurpleLilac posted 2/2/2014 18:11 PM


[This message edited by PurpleLilac at 11:33 AM, February 22nd (Saturday)]

MadeOfScars posted 2/3/2014 08:49 AM

I do have a Xanax RX which I only take when I absolutely feel like I'm gonna lose it otherwise. I was also recently prescribed an antidepressant, but like all antidepressants I've tried before, it just makes me feel "weird." I do, however, start IC today. I know one session won't fix me, but it's a start.

somanyyears posted 2/3/2014 09:32 AM

.. sorry you are here..

just read thru your different posts..

..hope you are a Seahawks fan.. it would have made you smile and brightened your day a bit...

..if you had $$$$$ on Peyton, it would have bummed out the rest of the night.

..Peyton just couldn't get things going, especially after that first snap over his head!!!! That was an omen for the rest of the game..

..good luck on your IC today.. are still in shock phase at just 2 weeks out.. this is a marathon, not a sprint, so strap yourself in for a long, bumpy ride..'ve found a great site here to help you navigate this shitstorm in your life.

..your letter, by the way, was awesome..

..keep posting.. keep reading.. there's lots to learn here..'s not too soon to see your lawyer..


MadeOfScars posted 2/3/2014 09:52 AM

Well, I was pulling for Peyton though I wouldn't call myself a big fan of either team. Really just hoped for a good game and, yeah, that didn't exactly happen. That opening play safety was a bad omen...

Anyway, I know I should at least call a lawyer. It's just so hard to make that call, like admitting what is happening is happening. That may sound dumb, but I know what I mean.

Thanks for everyone's replies.

norabird posted 2/3/2014 09:58 AM

Hope you can make the call to the lawyer today and get some clarity with IC.

And a quick word re this:

They tell me to get up, get busy, make sure I eat and sleep, like its that simple.

Don't worry, we know it is not easy and sometimes feels downright impossible. But do your best (even if that involves failing) and just keep trying, one foot before the other. No one expects you not to suffer or to just snap out of it and no one will judge you for struggling. But do what you can to be good to yourself. And reach out to friends as well as family for support.


OOF what an awful game.


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