It's Superbowl Sunday. For a die-hard NFL fan like me, this is like Christmas. I'm usually giddy with anticipation with friends and family coming over, beer on ice and snacks a plenty.
Then there's today. D-day was 2 weeks ago tomorrow, and I'm still full of anger, frustration, hurt, and confusion. I'm still a shell of who I used to be not long ago. I wonder if this knot in my stomach is permanent. I wonder when/if I'll be able to eat normally again. I wonder if I'll ever have the energy to pull myself up and start rebuilding me.
I wonder why I miss her so terribly. i wonder why all I want is her in my arms, despite the hell she has put me through. This is the longest I've gone without talking to her since we met. Is she still wanting to try and fix this or do I need to officially move on? How long can I stay in limbo?
I've talked to so many people in this forum and out there in the "real world" who have been through this. It's both comforting and saddening that there are so many who have walked this road. I see people who have moved on and rebuilt their lives. I know people who have reconciled even. They tell me to get up, get busy, make sure I eat and sleep, like its that simple. I am seriously wondering if I'm permanently broken. There have been a few brief respites from the pain, but I just don't have the strength right now to do what I need to do. I'm barely getting by it seems.
So, at 35 years old, I will be watching the Superbowl this year with my mom. Don't get me wrong; I'm thankful she's been here for me. That said, I face a seemingly insurmountable mountain of questions, issues, sleepless nights and unending nausea. I gotta believe it'll get better, but damn, even my favorite day of the year just seems like "oh well."
Sorry for rambling, just needed to get this out. It's not too early for a beer, is it?