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Revelations and then back?

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peoplepleaser posted 2/2/2014 14:25 PM

Last week I posted about hope. My WS came to me and revealed a bunch of personal revelations that were expressed genuinely and mirrored what I had come to realize. I didn't expect her to come to them so soon. She responded to every aspect of what happened in our relationship that validated me and had to be difficult to share. She said she wanted to fix it, but wasn't sure how to give me what I needed and work on herself. In spite of this I felt safe. We talked several times during the week and one day I had an emotional reaction from a trigger related to her EAs. She shut down but we talked and then proceeded to discuss the issue of transparency. When we couldn't agree because she wanted some texts with three friends to remain private, I said that I couldn't move forward. She began to attack me and fell right back into the mode where she blamed me for everything. So I left. Now she's saying that we are separated again because I make everything about me and my pain. Of course I'm back to the 180, but even in little exchanges now she accuses me of doing things wrong, like she's looking for it. And we are separated in the same house, so these little exchanges are only avoidable to a point. Has this happened to anyone else? Which is the truth?

traicionada posted 2/2/2014 14:31 PM

Sometimes in order to live with themselves and the horrible things they do to us, they need to turn us into monsters. Everything we do is wrong; we're the ones stuck in the past and unable to move forward. Knowing this doesn't make it easier but it does help you feel less crazy.

norabird posted 2/2/2014 15:18 PM

This sounds achingly familiar! He would seem to 'get it'...and then the blame would come back, with resentment and defensiveness to boot. It is a reeeeAallly bad sign. Maybe she will figure it out but she hasn't yet. Stay strong with the 180. I still don't know which version of his behavior was 'true'; I think both versions represented authentic parts of him. But if she is say 50% remorseful and 50% foggy you have a 0% R situation so I wouldn't get hoovered in by the encouraging signs you see. They just aren't enough

Sending you peace and strength. You can do this.

peoplepleaser posted 2/2/2014 15:33 PM

So, norabird, are you saying that this isn't a sign that she will eventually get it, but more likely a sign that she won't be able to do what she needs to do to repair trust? Or is it a sign that she's still betraying me because she won't give transparency?

Yes, we are not in R because she can't give me what I need to rebuild trust. And in retaliation for me not sharing where I go sometimes during separation (though I tell her if she asks), she is now refusing to tell me where she is going--so she's pulling back entirely.

norabird posted 2/3/2014 09:00 AM

I would not be surprised if there is still betrayal happening--but even if there isn't, there WILL be in the future because this is not reformed thinking she is showing. It is wayward thinking. Will she pull out of the fog eventually? Maybe with time. But RIGHT NOW she cannot act to repair trust, and your best bet is to accept that instead of giving her the benefit of the doubt and expecting her to turn around and start doing what she needs to.

I know that uncertainty is hard. But right now, you can only act on what you see, and what you see is very alarming. 'Retaliation'? Not okay. You have to see what she says in her better moods as only words. There are no actions yet. So stay with the 180 no matter how desperately you hope and wish that the remorseful sounds she makes are to be trusted. I went with my hope and what I wanted to be true when I was in your situation (there were some good signs, and some bad signs, and I hung in there with faith that the bad signs were aberrations and the good stuff was 'real')...boy oh boy was I wrong

You might want to check out this thread on gaslighting in the general forum: http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=521304

Shift your focus onto yourself and try to stop wondering what is going on inside her head. Easier said than done I know but much better for your ability to move forward in a healthy way. Hang in there.

peoplepleaser posted 2/3/2014 09:58 AM

Thanks. We had some friends who claimed to be "Switzerland" but some information seems to be shared with WS that could have only come from confidential conversations I had with one of them. I went ahead and cut that tie to stop the betrayal from other sources...and now everyone's angry with me for hurting that friend, ugh!

Aside from that, I've spent time last night and today trying to find a way to be financially independent because WS has been supporting the family while I finish school. She says she will continue to support me as I finish, but I just can't trust that. It also seems like the in-house separation provides too many opportunities for confusion about the relationship and provocation with the current conflict. It looks like I might be able to move or have her move in the next month or so if I ramp up my work schedule. Now I'm trying to decide if I have the conversation about her moving out (she's threatened that several times so I'm not sure if she's genuinely wanting to do that) or if I just come home one day and announce that I'm leaving. I'm better off financially and logistically if I stay where I am and she moves, but I like the idea of being able to confidently state that I don't need her anymore and bail. The third option is to just ramp up my work schedule as a Plan B with the knowledge that I can bail if she decides to pull support or if the in-house separation does not improve or gets worse. The third option is probably best for now, as everyone says not to make any decisions impulsively or within the first six months to a year. The problem with that is the strength it takes to look away, walk away and not engage in anything could potentially result in hurt...which would be so much easier if we lived separately. Ugh! I hate this.

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