First off, I am so glad I found this site. Just the short time I have spent reading the info in the healing library has helped me out tremendously.
Its good to know I'm not alone.
I am 59 and my WS is 49. We met 18 years ago, both previously married, mine a 20 year marriage, hers a short 2 year. We fell in Love almost immediately and have been told over the years by friends and family we were the perfect couple and seemed so right for each other.
On March 9, 2013 I innocently checked her gmail sent folder to check on a email link she was to have sent me for a birthday idea since I never received it. I found an email to MM that said "she wished she was waking up next to him". My heart and my head began pounding out of all control, I was in disbelief of what I was seeing. There were many more but I could'nt look at them I was so light headed.
Confronting my WS she admitted (well she had to) to having had an email and texting EA with the MM since Jan 2013. After a weekend of tears by both of us she admitted her wrongs and promised to contact him first thing Monday to advise to stop all communication and that she was done and committed to our marriage. IT WAS OVER. She wanted to wait till Monday and to not hurt MM BS.
First thing Monday AM (from her work) she is trying to open a Yahoo email and I (still had access to her gmail) blocked that. When I confronted her she said "I wanted to use another email so you would'nt have to see his name ever again. I could'nt help but believe her after the heart wrenching weekend we had both (I thought) gone thru.
Throughout the rest of 2013 I was in a state of denial. The signs were there though I refused to see. Changes in her affections, behavior, emotional and sexual detachment, she started ordering beer instead of wine when we went out to eat,listening to country music. Something she never did in all the years we've been together. I now know the emails and texting never stopped and in Sept, Oct, Nov & Dec of 2013 were 200-300 over per month of our monthly limit of 250. She has now changed her plan to unlimited texting. This actually began way back in Jan 2013 and I believed her excuse back then.
I slowly came to the realization that I had been and was being deceived by my WS for the past year. Every time I asked her about the text overages from Sept thru Dec and she had promised to stop in March, (they had been careful to keep it just under 250 /mo for several months over the summer) she accused me of overly focusing on her and that it was private to her. "I'm like an overbearing parent and judge everything she does".
I sat her down after dinner on Jan 15th past and told her no more deceit. Either him or me, she needs to decide what she wants. I left town that weekend to give her time to think as at this point she had openly told me in December she did not know if she wanted to be married to me any more. A long 3 hour drive home on Sunday and her answer is a 6 month separation, I need to take my focus off her and change my behavior.
All year long she has said I have been an emotional disaster, is afraid to come home not knowing what kind of state I will be in. Basically my behavior is a problem, hers is just fine. Explaining to her that for the past 5 months with the texting increasing again I have been an emotional wreck. It does not compute for WS. I understand now from reading here that my ups and downs are classic for a BS. For her part the most she would offer was to (again)end the sexting, emails, inappropriate photos, etc. in her own time frame.
The second BIG D-day was Jan 24th I discovered an undeleted email on her browser history. WS had rented a hotel room, 2 adults, King bed, early arrival 1 night at a hotel 25 miles away back in Feb 2013, telling me that she was going to a training class in another city. This was not uncommon, except this time it was two nights, I never gave it a thought because this was way before I even suspected. I told her that I now knew for sure at least one and have no doubt other times they have slept together and all her denials of sex and its only flirting were lies. I have been able to snatch a few glances at some of undeleted texts (she is not real good at remembering to ALWAYS delete them) while she slept(hard since she keeps the phone with her almost constantly even at her bedside, in the bathroom, etc.)and I know they talk of love, lots of sexual references, and MM trashes me.
WS moved out yesterday and again I was a wreck. I so wish I had found this site sooner as I behaved for a year as a fool, in denial, my love for this woman overriding all the evidence, and my actions were all the things I now read on the BS FAQ, not to have done. I cried, I pleaded, tried to please, reasoned, sulked, yelled, and so much more, only to realize now, all to my own detriment and fueling her resentments toward me.
I contacted the MM BS last April to ask her to have MM stop contacting my wife, telling her what I believed to be true back then that he was continuing to contact my WS and she did not want any more communication. I was in absolute denial.
Tomorrow I intend to let the MM BS know what I know based on what I have learned in the BS FAQ here. I am fairly confident MM BS is unaware of all these events since my April message to her, as he is using a a different phone number since then, and texting is only during his work shift which ends at 3PM when he is done for the day. Never any contact by WS or MM after 3 pm or over weekends. I have left out many other incidences and behaviors to try to keep this from being to long. Still seems very long. WS is a different person these last 13 months and after reading here I understand so much more of her mental state.
I love her dearly and hoping that at some point WS will begin again to see and think clearly. My heart has been wounded so much this year. A year of WS lies, deceit, denying and deflecting. On D-day 1/24/14 my heart was crushed.
[This message edited by manofwoe at 2:10 PM, February 3rd (Monday)]