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I was in denial

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manofwoe posted 2/2/2014 16:24 PM

First off, I am so glad I found this site. Just the short time I have spent reading the info in the healing library has helped me out tremendously.
Its good to know I'm not alone.

I am 59 and my WS is 49. We met 18 years ago, both previously married, mine a 20 year marriage, hers a short 2 year. We fell in Love almost immediately and have been told over the years by friends and family we were the perfect couple and seemed so right for each other.

On March 9, 2013 I innocently checked her gmail sent folder to check on a email link she was to have sent me for a birthday idea since I never received it. I found an email to MM that said "she wished she was waking up next to him". My heart and my head began pounding out of all control, I was in disbelief of what I was seeing. There were many more but I could'nt look at them I was so light headed.

Confronting my WS she admitted (well she had to) to having had an email and texting EA with the MM since Jan 2013. After a weekend of tears by both of us she admitted her wrongs and promised to contact him first thing Monday to advise to stop all communication and that she was done and committed to our marriage. IT WAS OVER. She wanted to wait till Monday and to not hurt MM BS.

First thing Monday AM (from her work) she is trying to open a Yahoo email and I (still had access to her gmail) blocked that. When I confronted her she said "I wanted to use another email so you would'nt have to see his name ever again. I could'nt help but believe her after the heart wrenching weekend we had both (I thought) gone thru.

Throughout the rest of 2013 I was in a state of denial. The signs were there though I refused to see. Changes in her affections, behavior, emotional and sexual detachment, she started ordering beer instead of wine when we went out to eat,listening to country music. Something she never did in all the years we've been together. I now know the emails and texting never stopped and in Sept, Oct, Nov & Dec of 2013 were 200-300 over per month of our monthly limit of 250. She has now changed her plan to unlimited texting. This actually began way back in Jan 2013 and I believed her excuse back then.

I slowly came to the realization that I had been and was being deceived by my WS for the past year. Every time I asked her about the text overages from Sept thru Dec and she had promised to stop in March, (they had been careful to keep it just under 250 /mo for several months over the summer) she accused me of overly focusing on her and that it was private to her. "I'm like an overbearing parent and judge everything she does".

I sat her down after dinner on Jan 15th past and told her no more deceit. Either him or me, she needs to decide what she wants. I left town that weekend to give her time to think as at this point she had openly told me in December she did not know if she wanted to be married to me any more. A long 3 hour drive home on Sunday and her answer is a 6 month separation, I need to take my focus off her and change my behavior.

All year long she has said I have been an emotional disaster, is afraid to come home not knowing what kind of state I will be in. Basically my behavior is a problem, hers is just fine. Explaining to her that for the past 5 months with the texting increasing again I have been an emotional wreck. It does not compute for WS. I understand now from reading here that my ups and downs are classic for a BS. For her part the most she would offer was to (again)end the sexting, emails, inappropriate photos, etc. in her own time frame.

The second BIG D-day was Jan 24th I discovered an undeleted email on her browser history. WS had rented a hotel room, 2 adults, King bed, early arrival 1 night at a hotel 25 miles away back in Feb 2013, telling me that she was going to a training class in another city. This was not uncommon, except this time it was two nights, I never gave it a thought because this was way before I even suspected. I told her that I now knew for sure at least one and have no doubt other times they have slept together and all her denials of sex and its only flirting were lies. I have been able to snatch a few glances at some of undeleted texts (she is not real good at remembering to ALWAYS delete them) while she slept(hard since she keeps the phone with her almost constantly even at her bedside, in the bathroom, etc.)and I know they talk of love, lots of sexual references, and MM trashes me.

WS moved out yesterday and again I was a wreck. I so wish I had found this site sooner as I behaved for a year as a fool, in denial, my love for this woman overriding all the evidence, and my actions were all the things I now read on the BS FAQ, not to have done. I cried, I pleaded, tried to please, reasoned, sulked, yelled, and so much more, only to realize now, all to my own detriment and fueling her resentments toward me.

I contacted the MM BS last April to ask her to have MM stop contacting my wife, telling her what I believed to be true back then that he was continuing to contact my WS and she did not want any more communication. I was in absolute denial.

Tomorrow I intend to let the MM BS know what I know based on what I have learned in the BS FAQ here. I am fairly confident MM BS is unaware of all these events since my April message to her, as he is using a a different phone number since then, and texting is only during his work shift which ends at 3PM when he is done for the day. Never any contact by WS or MM after 3 pm or over weekends. I have left out many other incidences and behaviors to try to keep this from being to long. Still seems very long. WS is a different person these last 13 months and after reading here I understand so much more of her mental state.

I love her dearly and hoping that at some point WS will begin again to see and think clearly. My heart has been wounded so much this year. A year of WS lies, deceit, denying and deflecting. On D-day 1/24/14 my heart was crushed.

[This message edited by manofwoe at 2:10 PM, February 3rd (Monday)]

MovingUpward posted 2/2/2014 16:32 PM


It doesn't sound like your wife is ready to do any work on herself at the moment. So about all you can do at this time if you are deciding to wait is to learn more and take time to focus on what you will need going forward. One of the hardest things to do as many betrayed spouses will barter for something between the current train wreck of a marriage and what they need in a marriage.

Keep on posting and asking any questions that you may have.

manofwoe posted 2/2/2014 17:01 PM

Will repost original in a day or so....

annb posted 2/2/2014 17:08 PM

Manofwoe, welcome to SI. So sorry you are a member of the best club no one wants to join. You will find a great deal of support here...we have walked in those painful shoes and understand the nightmare you are living.

Right now you need to concentrate on YOU, take care of yourself as best as you can, exercise (which is will help), stay hydrated, and eat as best as you can. Try to sleep.

I'd read up on the 180 and implement it like yesterday. Don't beg or plead. Consult with attorney (not to file but for knowledge).

Informing the MM's wife is a good idea, be gentle and give her the facts. She is probably in denial and has no clue her husband is having an A with your wife. The best way to end an affair is to expose it..

There is a great thread in the I Can Relate forum for Betrayed Men Only. Check it out, lots of wisdom down there.

manofwoe posted 2/3/2014 14:14 PM

Thank you for the insight. I had removed the post yesterday after only 20 minutes because as I was actually writing it she walked in to get a few more clothes. Did not hear her pull up. I then was thinking maybe she had gotten a glimpse of the screen, though I think I closed the laptop soon enough. Thought she might start searching sites for the same same look. I hate this crap.

jb3199 posted 2/3/2014 15:22 PM

As much as you hate this, my friend, it is your new current reality. And I know that this site may be a safe place for you, as it is for many, but if your WW sees this---so what? The same rules apply.

It starts with you taking care of yourself. Physically, emotionally, and financially. With some emotional detachment, and newly regained strength, you will be able to follow through on the choices necessary for you to get out of this hell that we call infidelity. Finally, the time will come when you accept that your WW does or does not want to reconcile, and then you can choose what direction to take. It will be YOUR CHOICE, because you will have gained the strength to make decisions that are not based on fear. That is when your real healing begins.

Keep reading and keep posting. You already know how much better it feels to have people who can relate to your pain. We can give you sound advice, but ultimately, it is up to you to pull yourself out of this mess.

You can do this. You WILL do this.

Good luck.

LifeisCrazy posted 2/3/2014 15:24 PM


I'm sorry that you are here - but you are not alone.

It doesn't matter if she sees what screen you're on, or if she knows where you're getting advice, or if she knows you're checking her messages. None of that matters anymore. This is a very difficult thing to hear but you need to hear it loud and clear - your wife has already left you.

That doesn't mean that she's gone forever or that you'll never have your marriage back. But THAT marriage, the one you had, is over. You need come to accept that because it will help you in ways that are difficult to image right now, while you're still reeling.

In order for YOU to survive her infidelity it is paramount that do ONE thing - know that you will be fine no matter what happens.

It is said often that losing your marriage is not the worst thing that can happen - the worst thing is to be married to someone who is actively involved with someone else. As such, you need to force her hand and make her decide. No more cake eating for your wife.

Normally I would recommend making a list of things that are absolute requirements for you (like no contact, transparency, etc.). Unfortunately, she's still active in the affair and not ready for those types of decisions. Before that can happen you need to look her in the eyes and let her know that it's decision time. She's out or she's in. Period.

Now listen real close...

ANYTHING OTHER THAN "I AM IN 100%" means that she is out. Let her know that her decision is fine but you will not be the 3rd wheel in your own marriage.

And treat her as such. No more coming to get her clothes. Put them in hefty bags and throw them in the yard. Expose the affair to everyone - his wife, her work, her family, everyone. Make the affair have consequences. File for divorce and have her served. Cut off all funding - phones, watching the kids for her, groceries. Create a separate bank account and start putting money aside.

Make the affair live out in the open - and let her see what it's like.

"What if she actually leaves" you ask? Well, let me ask you.... would that be any worse than what's happening now? Ask anyone here - relationships built in infidelity rarely, rarely work.

Hang in there, brother. You can do it.

Edith posted 2/3/2014 15:29 PM

Yes! What Life is Crazy said!

I might add to that I would destroy some of her favorite stuff. Set fire to her shoes or something. Sorry, I am a little violent when it comes to affairs.

Where/how did she meet Mr. Dirtbag?


norabird posted 2/3/2014 15:32 PM

I'm so sorry you are here (and glad you re-posted). Don't blame yourself for doing everything wrong--I did too! It is hard to see the truth when there is so much love. But now is your chance to take the blinders off. Your post says you were in denial...but to a certain extent, you still are. You still are trying as hard as you can to hold on, when what you need to do for yourself is to let go. She is disrespecting you, gaslighting you, blaming you, making this about your behavior instead of hers. She is foggy to the extreme and she is not safe for you. Please read up on the 180, and find your boundaries. She does not seem likely to end the affair right now, so see a lawyer and get advice about how to proceed. I know you don't want to take that course, that you want to save your marriage; but it takes two to save that, and right now you're doing all the work alone. That's not fair to you. You deserve better.

manofwoe posted 2/3/2014 16:53 PM

Thanks all for the support. I finally feel asleep last night at 4 AM and only slept till 6. Exhausted. I was in no mental condition to contact
MM BS today. Have her address and PH#, if its right?. Hopefully after a real nights sleep tonight for tomorrow I am debating on whether to drive to the house or just call.
In answer to where they met, he was a Security Guard at the Financial firm where she worked in operations. I also have name and address for MM's Region Manager for Security firm MM is employed by.

PRNDL posted 2/3/2014 18:47 PM

Im so sorry. Im so so sorry. I went through a year of the denial too, or what I like to call "The betrayed spouse fog."

The 6 more months of false R.

3 d days

I will never be the same person again. I am truly damaged.

I have no advice. Just do the best to 180D her.

Good luck

stronger08 posted 2/3/2014 19:00 PM

Don't beat yourself up over the denial stuff. We all have been through that stage and its perfectly normal. No one wants to believe their spouse is capable of having an A. But yet it happens and here you are. What matters now is that you protect yourself and make it loud and clear that you will not accept infidelity to be part of your M. I think what your doing so far is pretty good. You have confronted and demanded it stop. You also are going to inform the OM BS of what's been going on. Good things to do that will reap benefits down the road. One mistake I think you are making is allowing her to have this 6 month separation. You have to realize that she wants this because its a free pass to screw MM without repercussion from you. It also gives her ample time to get herself lined up with an attack plan for a potential D. So where's that leave you ? Well it leaves you alone hoping for the best while she gets to have a relationship with her OM and all the guilt free sex she wants. She gets to have a free test run of what its going to be like having a relationship outside her M. If that don't work out all she has to do is come running home to you with tales of how bad a mistake she made. I call bullshit on that !!!!

She has left and you must now go on the offensive. Find an attorney and file for D. Cut off all support methods to her be they financial, emotional, household etc. She has made a choice and now must be forced to live with her decision. She is no longer your W, she is no longer your friend. If she wants a life with the OM let her have it. But keep in mind she no longer has any benefit of being M to you. You can not assume she wants these 6 months to get her head out of her ass. Because she just wants to continue to eat cake on your dime my man. You must take a firm and strong position right now. And the only way to show your strength if to show her through action that you will not allow this behavior. You must file for D. You must cut her off. You must concentrate on healing yourself while protecting yourself from future harm . From this day forward what I have mentioned needs to be followed by you. Your going to be in for a ride from hell brother. Prepare for the war that will soon start. And make no mistake here, D is war. Take no prisoners, show no quarter. You gotta hit hard and fast before she can build up her defenses.

Its a tough spot your in my man. But if you play it smart your gonna be OK. I suggest you get yourself a support team in place. Seek out I/C, find a therapist who specializes in infidelity. See your physician and let him/her know what's going on take the Dr. advice even if it means going on meds to help you navigate this. Inform your employer of what's going on as your performance is going to suffer. Get you ass to the best attorney you can afford and follow their advice. These are just some of the more important things that need to be done now. Keep reading and posting. Believe it or not your situation is not unique. Affairs pretty much follow the same crazy script. Remember that what she thinks she has is nothing more then one big fantasy. You need to smack her upside the head with a good dose of reality right now. One of the biggest mistakes we make is to not inflict consequences for our WS actions. They need to be enforced now my man. Remember that you did nothing to precipitate this A. This is all on her no matter the condition of the M. As I said earlier she had choices and she chose to lie, sneak around and screw another man. Another important thing to remember is that right now you can not nice her, love her, buy her, support her back into the M. The only thing that will work is to fight for yourself. Read up on the 180 in the healing library. Listen to the members here, we all have been in your shoes. But most of all protect yourself bro. Welcome and good luck.

BrooklynLove posted 2/3/2014 20:33 PM

Do the 180 and serve her with divorce papers to scare her. She is unremorseful and she knows that you love her and would do anything to save this marriage. Scare her straight and take care of yourself.

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