Right now, you need to take care of yourself. Make sure you're getting plenty of sleep. Read the healing library. You can find it in the upper left corner in the yellow box. Focus on your babies.
Stay vigilant, though. You will want to make sure that he is not continuing to go.
Sending you strength and (((hugs)))
Your kids are going to add a little bit more complexity to the situation . How old are they?
I would also start looking deeper, the story may be much bigger than you are aware of. You might find more information in his computer. You might look for hook up sights, craigslist, etc. I hope you find nothing, but it is possible.
It takes a while to process everything. Fortunately, you do not have to make any decisions right away. His behavior will tell you a lot. Read information on the healing library. I also bumped some threads earlier about information for newbies, before you reconcile, tactile primer and the 180. Look those up and read them. They will help you prepare for your next steps.
You are hurting and just found out so you are going to need some time to work through this any which way you decide to go. I agree that he isn't showing remorse.
Look, a Thai massage... bah humbug! Please understand that cheaters lie and cheat, so if he says once it would have been several, if he says a few, it will have been many.... they almost always seem to deny and minimize, par for the course.
Yes, you definitely need to get tested, today, for everything, and so does he. No intimacy with him (should you even feel like it) until you've seen evidence of his results, and he's clear of everything. If he says he used protection, well maybe he did, but chances are he didn't... don't trust what he says about that, it's your health on the line here, condoms don't protect against much other than pregnancy - and they can fail at that too.
The NHS will test for some things, but not everything, generally those that are directly life threatening and those that can be easily treated. You need to specifically ask for Herpes 1 and 2, and HPV, Hep C.... As ghastly as this is for you, unfortunately, they see it every day, all day, and will treat you with compassion. This is not your doing, so try not to feel any shame in getting tested, this is about protecting yourself from further harm.
Please take care of yourself honey, you're in for a rough ride, this is trauma like no other. Hugs.
This nightmare takes terrible toll on your mental and physical well being.
Try and eat, drink plenty of water, try and sleep when you can, be kind to yourself.
If you're really struggling, please go to your GP and get something for your anxiety and stress, there's nothing wrong with something from the Dr to help you out.
Consider getting some IC, not to work on your marriage, just to talk, it really helps to have someone unbiased to vent to and unload everything that you can't or aren't able, to say to anyone else.
Knowledge is power honey, if you can, get along to a good family lawyer and find out what position you'll be in, should you find that this is just something you can't Reconcile with, and there's no shame if that's the case.
From this point on, everything has to be about you and your kids, your WS made his choices, he didn't think about how his "experimenting" might risk destroying your family, his wants and needs are the least important right now.
Experimenting - God help me!!
Read, read, and read some more, there is so much shared knowledge here on SI, it's priceless, you'll almost always find someone around who can identify with how you're feeling, you've got 42,000 new friends who care about you. Hugs.
We are here for you!
"Your value doesn't decrease based on someone's inability to see your worth." -Unknown Wise Person
Then there's his downplaying of what happened. It was just sex? How would he feel if you "just had sex" with someone else? He "got swept away"? What, is he on a boat or something? He did NOT get swept away. He made choices to meet up with a prostitute and it looks like he was going to continue this risky, horrible behavior until he got caught.
I'm worried you're only seeing the tip of the iceberg here. Have you checked his phone/emails? Are you sure there isn't A LOT more to this?
Also, you have NOTHING to be ashamed of. He's the one who slept with a prostitute (at least once) and broke his marriage vows. All you did was be a good and trusting wife. He's the one who should be ashamed and it doesn't really look like he is if he's still focusing on himself and how it affects HIM.
You seem to be in desperate, hold-it-together mode for the sake of your kids, and I totally, totally get that. Take care of yourself and your kids but be prepared for the day when you get MAD at what he did and decide to do something about it. He wants to rugsweep, pretend it didn't happen. Don't let him or he'll know he can keep doing it with no repercussions!
Best of luck to you, my dear. Keep posting here with your questions and take care of you and your babies!
Can I ask you to please slow down. You are attempting to make decisions now that you can't or shouldn't until you have had time to process the information, and of course get all the information to make an informed decision about.
I guarantee you that you do NOT have the full truth yet. She showed interest in him because he paid her, that is all. She showed interest in him because he seemed like he would be back for more. She agreed/offered to meet him public, because she was going to see what he was really worth. It is sad but true, and he has been played a fool.
He is also not remorseful. He is minimizing big time. Remorse and regret look a lot a like for the newly betrayed, but sister they are miles apart. Wanted to experiment is not an acceptable reason, and you have to call bullshit on that immediately. He needs to dig a whole hell of a lot deeper to find out and fix why he was willing to risk his marriage, his home, his family, and his life for this piece of ass. Until he starts to do that, you have not seen remorse.
It's ok to kick him to the couch or the curb at this time. You do what you need to, to keep sane, and hold it together. Read up on 180, and do yourself a favor by accepting that you did NOTHING to cause this, and see both your Dr for testing, and possibly meds to help you through, and a lawyer to get a good understanding of what you can expect to happen should this head to D.
If you are worried about him going to her again, you need to be perfectly clear that you will not be willing to consider R in any way shape or fashion should he do that.
As far as making a decision for your babies, that you are so worried about....consider this, is it better for them to have a strong healthy mom that shows them that a man cannot lie, mistreat, and abuse (yes this is abuse) them or is it better to rugsweep this, and grow in a home where mom is a doormat, and dad is a philanderer? They are young and will not be significantly impacted by dad sleeping on the couch. Tell them that he needs to stay there for now. They don't need the why's and if they ask have a reason ready that won't impact them and make them feel unsafe.
Please please please put you and your kids first, and demand the love and respect you deserve.
Keep reading, keep posting.
A prostitute from a massage parlor met your H for a drink? This does not make sense. Her interest is in a financial transaction for sex, not meeting a "john" outside of the parlor. This is not generally how this nasty underworld operates. Unfortunately I know too much about the world of escorts.
If he was just curious/experimenting what was the point of "showing off" to his friend?
He was "experimenting"? That sounds like an attempt at an excuse.
This story he is telling you to cover his behind. That seems to be his priority based upon his statements to you!
He really thought i would never findout so therefore he wasnt risking anything
What??? Please give the meaning of this statement some thought. Because he thought he could get away with lying and cheating then no harm done?
What you don't know won't hurt you? But you do know and he was willing to take the chance.
What about putting your health at risk by exposing himself and then you to disease by having sex with an especially high-risk woman?
Do not feel bad about him sleeping on the couch. You need to take care of yourself. Do you have a counselor you can speak to?