SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

brokenkb posted 2/2/2014 17:59 PM

Hi
Ive just found out that my husband of 8 years has been twice(that i know of) to a massage parlour with a Thai girl.
Im broken. We have 2 young children and i dont know what to do. He seems remorseful but maybe not as much as i would like. He says he will never go again. Im so ashamed that i dont want anyone to know but that makes me feel like he thinks he has got off lightly.
He is on the sofa but i dont want the kids to see him there but he goes to work early but the weekends are going to be hard.
I thought everything was great. He says he was experimenting.
What do i do?

simplydevastated posted 2/2/2014 18:10 PM

Honey, you just found out. Give yourself time to process this. You don't have to make any decisions right away.

Right now, you need to take care of yourself. Make sure you're getting plenty of sleep. Read the healing library. You can find it in the upper left corner in the yellow box. Focus on your babies.

Stay vigilant, though. You will want to make sure that he is not continuing to go.

Sending you strength and (((hugs)))

yearsofpain25 posted 2/2/2014 18:12 PM

Hello Brokenkb. I'm so sorry you are here and for yor pain. Good news is you don't have to make any immediate decisions but you will have to make decisions. You have 42000 + new best friends to help you here. To help start you off in the upper left corner read through the helping library. There is a lot of great information there as well as a guide to all the abbreviations that are going to be thrown at you. For immediate info, read the other threads right below yours in this just found out section with the target on them. Especially read up on 180. Sounds like u may have started it already with him on couch. 180 is designed for you to heal and for you to figure out what decisions you want to make.

Your kids are going to add a little bit more complexity to the situation . How old are they?

brkn_heartd posted 2/2/2014 18:20 PM

brokenkb,
Welcome to SI. It is a great place for support and wisdom. First, I would like to gently tell you remorse isn't shown immediately. Regret (for being caught) however is shown often in the beginning. Remorse is demonstrated in actions to help you heal and help your marriage heal.

I would also start looking deeper, the story may be much bigger than you are aware of. You might find more information in his computer. You might look for hook up sights, craigslist, etc. I hope you find nothing, but it is possible.

It takes a while to process everything. Fortunately, you do not have to make any decisions right away. His behavior will tell you a lot. Read information on the healing library. I also bumped some threads earlier about information for newbies, before you reconcile, tactile primer and the 180. Look those up and read them. They will help you prepare for your next steps.

brokenkb posted 2/2/2014 18:27 PM

Thankyou. The kids are 5 and 6 and they love their dad so much.
He loves them too. I just dont know what he is thinking. He is 45 this march and im 38.
Should i be making him sleep on the sofa?

yearsofpain25 posted 2/2/2014 18:39 PM

Right now this needs to be about you. If you need him to sleep on the couch then yes he should be there. The kids are young enough that they don't need to know anything about it and if they see dad sleeping on the couch, think of a reason if they question it.

You are hurting and just found out so you are going to need some time to work through this any which way you decide to go. I agree that he isn't showing remorse.

brokenkb posted 2/3/2014 02:06 AM

Its so hard. Trying not to think about it and smiling for the babies. Im going to try to go to work but im not sure i can hold it together and i dont want people to know. I might go and see the dr today. Think i need to get tested?

hard_yards posted 2/3/2014 05:17 AM

Hi Honey, I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this.

Look, a Thai massage... bah humbug! Please understand that cheaters lie and cheat, so if he says once it would have been several, if he says a few, it will have been many.... they almost always seem to deny and minimize, par for the course.

Yes, you definitely need to get tested, today, for everything, and so does he. No intimacy with him (should you even feel like it) until you've seen evidence of his results, and he's clear of everything. If he says he used protection, well maybe he did, but chances are he didn't... don't trust what he says about that, it's your health on the line here, condoms don't protect against much other than pregnancy - and they can fail at that too.

The NHS will test for some things, but not everything, generally those that are directly life threatening and those that can be easily treated. You need to specifically ask for Herpes 1 and 2, and HPV, Hep C.... As ghastly as this is for you, unfortunately, they see it every day, all day, and will treat you with compassion. This is not your doing, so try not to feel any shame in getting tested, this is about protecting yourself from further harm.

Please take care of yourself honey, you're in for a rough ride, this is trauma like no other. Hugs.

brokenkb posted 2/3/2014 05:30 AM

I feel like im dead looking down on myself. How can i trust him again?
My head is screaming to throw him out but i cant do that to the babies. Its not their fault.
There seems to be endless periods of silence. I dont know what to do.

hard_yards posted 2/3/2014 05:49 AM

Right now you don't have to do anything except take care of yourself and your little ones.

This nightmare takes terrible toll on your mental and physical well being.

Try and eat, drink plenty of water, try and sleep when you can, be kind to yourself.

If you're really struggling, please go to your GP and get something for your anxiety and stress, there's nothing wrong with something from the Dr to help you out.

Consider getting some IC, not to work on your marriage, just to talk, it really helps to have someone unbiased to vent to and unload everything that you can't or aren't able, to say to anyone else.

Knowledge is power honey, if you can, get along to a good family lawyer and find out what position you'll be in, should you find that this is just something you can't Reconcile with, and there's no shame if that's the case.

From this point on, everything has to be about you and your kids, your WS made his choices, he didn't think about how his "experimenting" might risk destroying your family, his wants and needs are the least important right now.

Experimenting - God help me!!

Read, read, and read some more, there is so much shared knowledge here on SI, it's priceless, you'll almost always find someone around who can identify with how you're feeling, you've got 42,000 new friends who care about you. Hugs.

norabird posted 2/3/2014 09:52 AM

Seeing the doctor is a great idea. You may want to think if you have any close friend you can confide in; it's hard to predict people's reactions, and you may not want many people to know if you reconcile (R), but if you can have an outlet and some support that would be good for you. Be kind to yourself and take this one day at a time. Sending you strength. Remember that you are not alone and you will get through this.

brokenkb posted 2/4/2014 03:17 AM

Im so confused. He says he loves me and our children and he doesnt want to lose that. He really thought i would never findout so therefore he wasnt risking anything. I didnt think it was that and he would have probably got off lighter but he told the truth. He still insists it was curiosity and showing off to his mate that he had someone else as she had showed interest in meeting with him in a pub. He had arranged to do that but i went out with him.
He is getting tested as he thought he had kept himself safe by wearing a condom but i dont think thats the case.

SadInNC posted 2/4/2014 18:22 PM

Hey, sorry that you find yourself in this situation like so many of us. I'm confused by your posts a little. How did it get from 2 massage parlor visits to meeting a girl at a pub and how did you find out about this? Did he willingly tell you or did you find out and confront him? I think you made the right choice by kicking his ass out of the bed. You need time to process this and to think and to get to the bottom of what the truth really is.

We are here for you!

brokenkb posted 2/5/2014 07:51 AM

Hi all. The massage parlour included full sex! She was clearly after more business etc as she had told him she really liked him and wanted to meet for a drink. They exchanged numbers.
I found out he was meeting someone and confronted him, wasnt expecting what he told me.
I think we are going to try to reconcile although its very early days.
He still insists he was just curious and got swept away with it all. That it was just sex.
Can you trust again? How will i know where he is?
There must have been a reason why he even looked up the place in the first instance? Why he went? Why he went through with it twice!
He felt there was no risk to us as i would never find out.

velvetglove posted 2/5/2014 08:50 AM

I'm so sorry you're going through this, brokenkb. From what I can see, he doesn't seem remorseful. If he were, he wouldn't keep saying that he thought there would be no "risk" because he thought you'd never found out. Clearly, he means risk to himself of losing you and his family. He's nothing thinking about you and your needs. Even if you never knew, he still put you at risk of STIs.

Then there's his downplaying of what happened. It was just sex? How would he feel if you "just had sex" with someone else? He "got swept away"? What, is he on a boat or something? He did NOT get swept away. He made choices to meet up with a prostitute and it looks like he was going to continue this risky, horrible behavior until he got caught.

I'm worried you're only seeing the tip of the iceberg here. Have you checked his phone/emails? Are you sure there isn't A LOT more to this?

Also, you have NOTHING to be ashamed of. He's the one who slept with a prostitute (at least once) and broke his marriage vows. All you did was be a good and trusting wife. He's the one who should be ashamed and it doesn't really look like he is if he's still focusing on himself and how it affects HIM.

You seem to be in desperate, hold-it-together mode for the sake of your kids, and I totally, totally get that. Take care of yourself and your kids but be prepared for the day when you get MAD at what he did and decide to do something about it. He wants to rugsweep, pretend it didn't happen. Don't let him or he'll know he can keep doing it with no repercussions!

Best of luck to you, my dear. Keep posting here with your questions and take care of you and your babies!

((HUGS))

brokenkb posted 2/5/2014 10:54 AM

Its really hard him being there as we are busy with the kids and we are having work done on the house that i need him to be there for, it all seems so normal but i feel like im not really there.
I really want to protect the kids from all this. I didnt want them to grow up with a separated family. But that makes me feel like ive let him off. That it doesnt matter. But it matters so much!
I havent told anyone but you guys and you are helping alot.
I just dont know what to do.

brokenkb posted 2/5/2014 11:36 AM

If i ask him to leave, on a temp basis am i running the risk of him going back to her?
How would i know?
I think it would drive me insane.
He says he has never been before and wont go again but how can i be sure?

HeartBrokenHubby posted 2/5/2014 11:59 AM

This is terrible to hear and in my eyes is most definitely cheating, but this sounds like he might be a sex addict. So he might need to go to a 12 Step Program.

tushnurse posted 2/5/2014 12:18 PM

Brokenb welcome.

Can I ask you to please slow down. You are attempting to make decisions now that you can't or shouldn't until you have had time to process the information, and of course get all the information to make an informed decision about.

I guarantee you that you do NOT have the full truth yet. She showed interest in him because he paid her, that is all. She showed interest in him because he seemed like he would be back for more. She agreed/offered to meet him public, because she was going to see what he was really worth. It is sad but true, and he has been played a fool.

He is also not remorseful. He is minimizing big time. Remorse and regret look a lot a like for the newly betrayed, but sister they are miles apart. Wanted to experiment is not an acceptable reason, and you have to call bullshit on that immediately. He needs to dig a whole hell of a lot deeper to find out and fix why he was willing to risk his marriage, his home, his family, and his life for this piece of ass. Until he starts to do that, you have not seen remorse.

It's ok to kick him to the couch or the curb at this time. You do what you need to, to keep sane, and hold it together. Read up on 180, and do yourself a favor by accepting that you did NOTHING to cause this, and see both your Dr for testing, and possibly meds to help you through, and a lawyer to get a good understanding of what you can expect to happen should this head to D.
If you are worried about him going to her again, you need to be perfectly clear that you will not be willing to consider R in any way shape or fashion should he do that.

As far as making a decision for your babies, that you are so worried about....consider this, is it better for them to have a strong healthy mom that shows them that a man cannot lie, mistreat, and abuse (yes this is abuse) them or is it better to rugsweep this, and grow in a home where mom is a doormat, and dad is a philanderer? They are young and will not be significantly impacted by dad sleeping on the couch. Tell them that he needs to stay there for now. They don't need the why's and if they ask have a reason ready that won't impact them and make them feel unsafe.

Please please please put you and your kids first, and demand the love and respect you deserve.

Keep reading, keep posting.
((((and strength)))

risingfromashes posted 2/5/2014 12:51 PM

So sorry you have to deal with this. I have a very strong feeling that he has not been honest about his actions.

A prostitute from a massage parlor met your H for a drink? This does not make sense. Her interest is in a financial transaction for sex, not meeting a "john" outside of the parlor. This is not generally how this nasty underworld operates. Unfortunately I know too much about the world of escorts.

If he was just curious/experimenting what was the point of "showing off" to his friend?

He was "experimenting"? That sounds like an attempt at an excuse.

This story he is telling you to cover his behind. That seems to be his priority based upon his statements to you!

He really thought i would never findout so therefore he wasnt risking anything

What??? Please give the meaning of this statement some thought. Because he thought he could get away with lying and cheating then no harm done?
What you don't know won't hurt you? But you do know and he was willing to take the chance.
What about putting your health at risk by exposing himself and then you to disease by having sex with an especially high-risk woman?

Do not feel bad about him sleeping on the couch. You need to take care of yourself. Do you have a counselor you can speak to?