I've been aplologizing like crazy to everyone afterwards but it doesn't make me feel any better. I can't afford a therapist right now and I know damn well that I need a good one. Why am I doing this? Has anyone done this after finding out that your spouse has cheated?
"Your value doesn't decrease based on someone's inability to see your worth." -Unknown Wise Person
Where are you, regarding your WH? What is he doing to make things right by you? Sometimes when they aren't doing what's needed, it makes the anger even worse.
Hopefully he's being an open book, no TT, giving you all his passwords, etc. At the same time, he needs to be picking up the slack so you have some time to take care of you. Even if that means allowing you time to disappear into your room for hours alone, to think.
This is just beginning, and you're going through so much right now. Have you shared this with your family or any friends? If you have someone close, please allow yourself to talk to someone. You need this. It does help.
I'm so sorry. I wish I could say more...just keep posting (((hugs)))
Do you have an outlet for your emotions? I found that exercise, particularly running helped dissipate my rage and frustration. When the weather was more pleasant, I found that being outside and running helped me work through my feelings.
Are you sleeping and eating well? If you are not getting enough sleep, please consider seeing your doctor for some sleep aids. I went to my doctor four days after DDay for STD testing and help sleeping. I used sleep medication for nine months. Without sleep, I found that my moods deteriorated rapidly. Please also take the time to make sure you are eating regularly. I know it is hard, I could barely stand the sight of food. I existed on scrambled eggs and smoothies for weeks at a time.
Keep posting and reading on SI. Everyone here understands what you are going through. No matter what time of day, if you need to vent and rage at the injustice of the situation, this is the place to express it.
Be gentle with yourself. Recognizing that you may be inappropriately lashing out at your loved ones is to your credit. You are doing this because the person who was supposed to have your back, the one who you trusted the most, betrayed you. Your mind is reeling from the shock and may be trying to protect you from further harm by creating distance between others you are close to. You are just at the beginning of the healing process, just take it one moment, one day at a time.
Sending you grace, dignity and strength.
I guess I feel like WH is not doing enough. That must be the cause of the severe rage I have. Also, I find myself wishing that I was dead. I guess that's not the same as suicidal thoughts. I love my kids too much and would not kill myself because it would destroy them. Still, it's a very dark, dark place to be.
SI is good for me right now because I don't want to wear my friends out with my crap all the time. On here, I can write all I want and people can choose to read it or not and the advice is wonderful. Thanks, guys. I am a survivor and I will get through this!
I've managed to keep the anger toward my spouse contained to infrequent outbursts. I don't consider anger as anything to be ashamed of. If you're hurt, show it, but try to use your control to assure its confined to the appropriate party, and channeled in some sort of useful way. That may not make much sense right now, but I do believe anger can be productive, if used in the right way.
I just started the 180 with him. Even though we are still living in the same house with children at home. I really need to disengage from him because I keep getting hurt over and over and it's killing me. So, now I see how the 180 really is a good thing for ME. :)