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Newest Member: Thoreau79 (61121)

User Topic: I guess I just want someone to know...
♀ 39652
Member # 39652
Sad  Posted: 9:28 PM, February 2nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Even if he never gets caught.

I'm having a hard time with this. I've had three long term relationships. In all three, the man cheated. I've spent the past year dealing with what my WBF has done and who he is (was?). It's overshadowed a lot. I suffered a miscarriage two years ago. Moved my family of 6 into a new home, and then was hit with my current WBF's lies.

I don't know if I intentionally ignored what my previous ex had done, or maybe I was too busy to think about it. I was with a man (a cop) for three years. I left (3 years ago) for many reasons: controlling, dangerous, habitual liar, abused his children, manipulative, and eventually cheated. But to the outside world he was amazing. He was everyone's hero. Always the funny one, the women loved him because he was so kind and attentive. And the men loved him because he always portrayed himself as their "brother". I'm so thankful I learned different, and was able to leave.

I thought that was it. Until recently, reading here... I realized there is more to the story. When we'd go out, there were many times after some point at home, I would wake up and he was on top of me. Two times I remember vividly. He was kneeling to my right side, and putting himself in my mouth. I was asleep, and woke up, thinking I must have drank too much. Another time, I awoke to him having sex with me, he had put two pillows under me to elevate me. Both times I couldn't think straight, or wake up enough to stop it. There were more times, these are just the ones that stand out.

What made me think deeper into this is...recently my current WBF asked me if he thought I drank less since I've been with him. I thought about it, and realized NO. He was asking me, because he knew what had happened with my ex. I had always thought maybe I was drunk, but it's not adding up now.

I remember during the time with my ex, I would wake up on those nights with spasms. My body would jerk every few seconds to minutes. I remember it happening, even though my eyes weren't always open. My ex is also a certified paramedic. The last time it happened, I remember him staying up watching me, saying he was worried for me.

On many occasions I have ZERO memory of leaving the restaurant, or the ride home. He claims he carried me in and put me in my pajamas. I never questioned it because I was embarrassed. I had assumed I allowed myself to get drunk.

The problem is....I never had that reaction before being with that man. And today, after being with my WBF for almost two years now...I've never had these issues. I drink the same amount, and I've never had that reaction.

So this week, I'm coming to some overwhelming realizations. That what that man did was rape. And he may have been drugging me. I will never have proof. I will never know for sure. And who knows what he did to me while I was out.

I'm so angry that he gets to walk around, the world loving him, and he will never get punished for what he's done.

As for me, I know the smart thing to do would be to talk to an IC about this. But I just don't know why. I feel numb. How do you feel about something you have no proof of? How am I allowed to feel??? I've talked with a couple of friends, to include my WBF...and they all believe there is no question as to what he did. But I have no proof. And so this efing man gets to walk around, as a cop, and live as though he's a saint.

I'm sorry for letting this out here. We are less than two weeks from one year out from DD. It's a lousy time, and just made worse. Thanks for listening...

Me : no longer a BW or BGF. Starting over!

Them : in the past, where they can stay.

Posts: 955 | Registered: Jun 2013
♀ 22870
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 9:39 PM, February 2nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


That's horrible. I'm so sorry.

You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 9154 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 12:29 AM, February 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Omg before I even read "may be drugged" I was thinking, he drugged her. That's so scary. I can't imagine what that must have been like for you. I'm glad your friend IRL are also backing you. I don't know what can be done. I hate to think this guy got away with this and could have another victim.
Been with him over half my life
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank

Posts: 5738 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
♀ 18449
Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 12:42 AM, February 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Posts: 12215 | Registered: Mar 2008
♀ 40787
Member # 40787
Default  Posted: 1:53 AM, February 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It was rape, even if you were drunk to the point of passing out on your own. Consensual = awake, aware and saying yes.

Please go see someone about this. The shame is not on you. This was not your choice.

You can be just as upset as any other woman would be at being raped, proof or no proof. A good IC that specializes in rape can help you a ton. Hang in there.

I'm not sure if anything can be done about him, but IC would know and know how to go about reporting anything if you go down that route. But this is about you and your healing. Don't neglect that.


Me: 39
WH: 42
DDay:Sep 19 2013 (only TT of EA)
Oct 4th 2013 revealed PA through snooping.
Marred 16 years, together for 20. Looking to R at this time. We have awesome kids (12/14).

Posts: 273 | Registered: Sep 2013
♀ 38261
Member # 38261
Default  Posted: 6:43 AM, February 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so glad you realized he was not the man he pretended to be and got yourself out of of there.

He violated you and it's not your fault. A few already suggested finding professional help and I just want to echo that. You're very brave to admit this here and to your friends, that is the first step to recovery.


You are a strong person to have endured so much and still not only stay standing but hold together a family. You deserve healing.

I don't say much but I lurk around a lot. Thank you for baring your souls here, you've said the words I couldn't find and you've helped me heal more than I can say.

Posts: 76 | Registered: Jan 2013
♂ 31240
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 7:38 AM, February 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But you do have feelings about this. You feel numb, and I think you numbed yourself. A good IC will help you surface and resolve those feelings sooner rather than later.

I'm so sorry this guy is walking around free.

fBH (me) - 66 on d-day, Married 43, together 45 on d-day, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
Most of us know only our own experience. That's not enough data to support a general rule that D, or R, is right in every sitch.

Posts: 16563 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Illinois
♀ 27176
Member # 27176
Default  Posted: 8:08 AM, February 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How am I allowed to feel???

Everything and anything, is what you are allowed to feel.

oops I accidentally erased my old signature and I'm sorry for all of my edits, it seems I need glasses.

Posts: 2411 | Registered: Jan 2010
♀ 33226
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 8:11 AM, February 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


You can call me NIK

And never grow a wishbone, daughter, where your backbone ought to be.
― Sarah McMane

Posts: 40228 | Registered: Aug 2011
♀ 38562
Member # 38562
Default  Posted: 12:43 PM, February 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

<very, very gently>
Yes, you were raped. Repeatedly.

Even if you were "just" asleep, you cannot give consent. He knew you were sleeping. It was rape.

Even if you accidentally drank too much, someone who is impaired does not have the capacity to give consent - and he knew it because he told you he "had" to carry you. It was rape.

If he drugged you (which the evidence supports - please, please believe what you know), he premeditated your sexual assault and jeopardized your life with drugs.

You are lucky to have gotten out and, yes, a kind, gentle counselor can help you deal with this. You are allowed to feel the full range of emotions that dealing with it brings up.

P.S. The possibility exists for you to grow courageous enough to let someone know. Proving it now may be impossible, but you can tell your truth once you're strong enough, even if it only holds out a thread of hope for someone later.

"I edit, therefore I am." -BionicGal

Posts: 527 | Registered: Feb 2013
♀ 39652
Member # 39652
Default  Posted: 3:48 PM, February 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you everyone for your responses. I really appreciate it.

The possibility exists for you to grow courageous enough to let someone know. Proving it now may be impossible, but you can tell your truth once you're strong enough, even if it only holds out a thread of hope for someone later

I wish I could be sure enough of things, to say without a doubt what he's done. It's taken me this long to understand that him having sex with me, while I was unconscious, was rape. I don't know why I pretended it was anything less. I honestly think I just couldn't handle any more pain or drama. That, and I really thought I was passed out because I had drank too much, so somehow I had something to do with it. On the outside, that makes no sense...but I think it's how I reasoned moving past it, and getting on with life. It's the realization that he probably had been drugging me the whole time, that's thrown me for a complete and utter loop. Does it make it any worse, that he may have used drugs? I never looked at it as premeditated at that point. I've still been stuck on the "he possibly drugged me?????" confusion.

I know he was a horrible person. There are so many things I know he did, for sure, that were wrong and outright calculating and evil. I didn't actually find out about the cheating until after I left. There was enough other things to justify cutting all ties. I stayed as long as I did because he had two young children, and it crushed me to know what he would do once I moved my family out. I had to do it though. And sadly, the elementary school reported him for child abuse. But because of his "cop" status, he weaseled his way out of it. He ended up marrying within a year of meeting her (someone he met while with me). I don't know their status now. Don't care. At first I worried for her. Now, all I think is she's a dumb ass for marrying a man so soon after meeting him. If it sounds too good to be true, it probably is. Yet, this thought process is so very wrong.

My WBF tries to be understanding of all this. I was talking to him the other day, about how I let what my exes did, go. Their affairs never bothered me anymore. And I meant it. I said I had no anger for my XH. He is my children's father, and he's doing the right thing by them. And as for the cop, he's slime...and someone else's problem now. But I didn't end it there. I told my WBF that the cop was the only one I wished harm to. I couldn't believe I was saying it out loud. But it wasn't for what he did in the way of affairs or manipulation. I thought at the time, it was because I believed the world would be better off without him. That it was horrible for such an awful POS to be in law enforcement, and allowed to raise two beautiful children.

I can see a little more why I despise him so much now. I just wish I knew if he really did use drugs. Why it matters, I don't really know. One thing I know for sure is I DONT PASS OUT WHEN I DRINK. I DONT HAVE COMPLETE MEMORY LOSS, EVER!!! I'm smart enough to know that doesn't prove him guilty of anything. I just know he had sex with me many times, and I couldn't say no, or stop him.

I just want to be sick. He believes he's a good man. He gets everyone to love him. And most people never see his other side. I truly wish there was something I could do about it.

Me : no longer a BW or BGF. Starting over!

Them : in the past, where they can stay.

Posts: 955 | Registered: Jun 2013
♀ 39652
Member # 39652
Default  Posted: 3:52 PM, February 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for letting me vent here.

I'm forgetting.. this is doing something about it.

Me : no longer a BW or BGF. Starting over!

Them : in the past, where they can stay.

Posts: 955 | Registered: Jun 2013
♀ 38562
Member # 38562
Default  Posted: 8:58 PM, February 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Again, very very gently: you say you wish you knew if he drugged you, but I think the important lesson is trusting the truth.

Since you are very sure you don't drink and pass our or forget, the only other reasonable explanation comes into focus. Apparently a couple of us out here knew it before you timidly proposed it.

It's so painful to believe, I understand, but the more you strain to hear your own small voice, the surer you'll be.

It helped me (helps?) a lot to look back on the me who was in danger with compassion and tenderness, like I'm seeing another girl go through it.

I can extend kindness to her (my vulnerable self) more easily, without feeling guilty or selfish or overwhelmed. And the now-older, now-stronger me has learned to take care of "her" by listening to her painful, frightened stories, by trusting her, and by understanding why she did what she did.

It may be a little while still but I have faith you'll eventually be able to trust what "she" has to tell you.

It sounds odd I'm sure, to hear that I imagine I'm 2 girls at the same time, but I'll risk sounding weird if it helps you even just a little.

I mean, it's not like someone can come here and make fun of me.

"I edit, therefore I am." -BionicGal

Posts: 527 | Registered: Feb 2013
Topic Posts: 13

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