Even if he never gets caught.
I'm having a hard time with this. I've had three long term relationships. In all three, the man cheated. I've spent the past year dealing with what my WBF has done and who he is (was?). It's overshadowed a lot. I suffered a miscarriage two years ago. Moved my family of 6 into a new home, and then was hit with my current WBF's lies.
I don't know if I intentionally ignored what my previous ex had done, or maybe I was too busy to think about it. I was with a man (a cop) for three years. I left (3 years ago) for many reasons: controlling, dangerous, habitual liar, abused his children, manipulative, and eventually cheated. But to the outside world he was amazing. He was everyone's hero. Always the funny one, the women loved him because he was so kind and attentive. And the men loved him because he always portrayed himself as their "brother". I'm so thankful I learned different, and was able to leave.
I thought that was it. Until recently, reading here... I realized there is more to the story. When we'd go out, there were many times after drinking...at some point at home, I would wake up and he was on top of me. Two times I remember vividly. He was kneeling to my right side, and putting himself in my mouth. I was asleep, and woke up, thinking I must have drank too much. Another time, I awoke to him having sex with me, he had put two pillows under me to elevate me. Both times I couldn't think straight, or wake up enough to stop it. There were more times, these are just the ones that stand out.
What made me think deeper into this is...recently my current WBF asked me if he thought I drank less since I've been with him. I thought about it, and realized NO. He was asking me, because he knew what had happened with my ex. I had always thought maybe I was drunk, but it's not adding up now.
I remember during the time with my ex, I would wake up on those nights with spasms. My body would jerk every few seconds to minutes. I remember it happening, even though my eyes weren't always open. My ex is also a certified paramedic. The last time it happened, I remember him staying up watching me, saying he was worried for me.
On many occasions I have ZERO memory of leaving the restaurant, or the ride home. He claims he carried me in and put me in my pajamas. I never questioned it because I was embarrassed. I had assumed I allowed myself to get drunk.
The problem is....I never had that reaction before being with that man. And today, after being with my WBF for almost two years now...I've never had these issues. I drink the same amount, and I've never had that reaction.
So this week, I'm coming to some overwhelming realizations. That what that man did was rape. And he may have been drugging me. I will never have proof. I will never know for sure. And who knows what he did to me while I was out.
I'm so angry that he gets to walk around, the world loving him, and he will never get punished for what he's done.
As for me, I know the smart thing to do would be to talk to an IC about this. But I just don't know why. I feel numb. How do you feel about something you have no proof of? How am I allowed to feel??? I've talked with a couple of friends, to include my WBF...and they all believe there is no question as to what he did. But I have no proof. And so this efing man gets to walk around, as a cop, and live as though he's a saint.
I'm sorry for letting this out here. We are less than two weeks from one year out from DD. It's a lousy time, and just made worse. Thanks for listening...