I went to bed on Saturday night feeling peaceful. I had a lot of healing still to do, but I felt like I was on the right track. This morning, BW woke me up with a question about past bachelor parties. I started to answer confidently, then suddenly had a realization completely unrelated to bachelor parties. I said ďshitĒ with a sinking feeling and then shared with her a memory that had just surfaced. It involved an interaction with the AP that I hadnít previously shared with her. I spent the day in some dark places, dredging up memories that I had buried. I shared new information with her on a couple fronts, including an incident from early in our relationship, a year before we were married, and some of my darker and more delusional/arrogant thought processes from the run-up to the A.
I feel awful about this. I know that Iíve hurt her. Iím frightened of what Iíve done to our chances for R. The thing is, I truly thought I was being open with her. Iíve lied to myself as much as to her and Iím terrified that I'm still forgetting or suppressing something. Iíve suppressed a lot of stuff and also have been so secretive my entire life that prior to the A being discovered I hardly shared ANYTHING with her. I'm not hiding things from her deliberately at this point, but since I never told her anything previously (and thatís not nearly as much of an exaggeration as you probably think) there are lots of things that I havenít given any thought to in years and PROBABLY arenít important but how do I know? She deserves to know everything about her husband, but I donít know how to suddenly share the past 12 years with her in the way that I should have done originally.
She is hurt and angry, as she has every right to be. She recognizes Ė recognized long before I was ready to Ė that Iím seriously unhealthy and have a lot to work on. She said tonight that we should work out a schedule for when I would spend time away so we could both have the peace we needed to work on things. Iíve said myself recently that I could use some downtime to work on my shit, but when she first brought this up I bristled at it, thinking she meant more of a separation than perhaps she does. (Regardless of what she meant, I realize that bristling was an unhelpful reaction.) I don't know exactly what she's thinking about it - we shifted into other topics and then she fell asleep - and I'm trying to keep an open mind. Acknowledging her right to make herself feel safe and work on her own healing is easy, intellectually, but it still hurts to face the prospect of being sent away from her, the kids, home.
I love her now more than I ever have. My perspectives have changed, my attitudes have changed. Iím not the man I was. I know that I have a lot more healing still to do. But damn, it sucks to face the fact that she will be happier if Iím not around. I just want to bury my face in her hair and breathe her in, wrap my arms around her and let her know that itís going to be OK. But that wonít work, because Iím the one whoís making it not OK. This all just sucks so much.