What I usually get is fear-based responses from my wh - avoidance, complete silence, uneasiness, etc, followed by anger, defensiveness, and frustration. He usually just left me alone because he can't take my crazies anymore. So he basically abandoned me.
What I need is understanding, support, attentiveness and care. Someone who is present and is willing to help me get through the storm. I'm curious because I have never had that. The most positive experience that I have had was the one time he kept quiet (albeit uncomfortable) instead of yelling, arguing with me. I remembered because it only happened once and I thanked him for it.
What has been your experience? Is my expectation too high or otherwise unrealistic?
Thanks in advance.
[This message edited by lemony.2008 at 2:52 AM, February 3rd (Monday)]
It is hard for them to look squarely at the damage they have caused. I still get the occasional defensiveness (hard habit to break).
[This message edited by lemony.2008 at 11:04 AM, February 3rd (Monday)]
This has been an issue for us. My H, who I think it making great efforts in working on R, does get defensive often, esp when I'm shouting at him. I have repeatedly told him that when he pulls away, it's worse. I feel abandoned. Like I'm shouting in the dark and that he doesn't care about my feelings. He says he doesn't know what to do in those situations. And frankly I don't know what he's supposed to do every time, but I need to see that he's trying, that he's taking an emotional risk, and yes that might result in him hearing some nasty things, but all my anger stems from incredible hurt and I'm in pain. He needs to show me that he can help me carry this incredible burden that he's put upon me.
Our MC told him that he should do the opposite of his instinct (which is to run away), that he needs to "turn in" instead of "turn away." He's made some good progress recently, talking me down off the ledge so to speak, but he's definitely not perfect and just the other day he admitted to deliberately trying to hurt me by walking away from me.
It's hard to empathize and admit that R is hard on FWS's, but this emotional roller coaster we're on of course affects them too. I try to dig down deep and feel some compassion for him (when it's available!) and imagine what it must be like for him. But that compassion has to be mutual and your H should be showing you the support you need. You are not unrealistic in your expectations at all.
He is determined to heal me, heal himself and says that he will never run out of patience. You're expectations are not too high and definitely not unrealistic.
What does he say when you express your needs about this?
"Everyone says forgiveness is a lovely idea, until they have something to forgive" - CS Lewis
veronique, your husband sounds like he gets it, that's great! Yes, I do feel abandoned when he completely ignores me by occupying himself with chores (that can be done later).
I need to see that he's trying, that he's taking an emotional risk, and yes that might result in him hearing some nasty things, but all my anger stems from incredible hurt and I'm in pain. He needs to show me that he can help me carry this incredible burden that he's put upon me.
Agreed. It has not been my experience that he is willing to help me even though I and our MC have made it explicitly clear when he needs to do. But the reality is, he doesn't do it. However, there is progress because he doesn't immediately shout back at me anymore.
You are not unrealistic in your expectations at all.
Thanks for your affirmation.
Chefj9, I'm glad your husband is there for you and is willing to help! And for affirming that my expectations are not too high nor unrealistic.
KatieG, sounds like your husband is helping you through it too, it's great to hear.
It is what it is.
I realized that what I had hope for is not reality-based but fantasy-based, very much like his affairs. Ironic but true. I can only make changes when I accept reality as it is, not what I hope it to be.
Anger at the top of page and drew lines to the following:
She encouraged me to come up with more subcategories, which I am trying to do (maybe others on the forum can help with more subcategories)
Today is one month from d-day for me. Yesterday was a good day, today not so good. I decided today is sad. My WH understood that term so much better than "angry". It also makes me feel better to know that my "anger" is actually something else. I hate being "angry". Hope this helps in a small way. It did for me, and now I give myself permission to have a sad day.
As I am pretty much alone in my healing, I try to help myself as much as I can. I've learned a lot in recognizing what I'm feeling. BTW, you're doing very well being 1 month since dday!
My situation is that my wh is not there for me when I trigger, even though it has been spelled out pretty clear what is needed by me and MC.
It's nice to see many wh's are willing to help their bw's through a rough patch, I think it'd help so much in healing the relationship.
I'm not sure what I'm looking for in this thread anymore, I guess it's just confirmation that my expectations are not too high and that my wh is not willing to help.