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Healinggirl posted 2/3/2014 02:33 AM

FWH is full of remorse. We are recovering slowly. But there's one final thing that has niggled at me from the beginning.

He used prostitutes for about five years, filthy, dirty women, and did filthy, disgusting things with them. He came home as if nothing had happened and got into our bed without even showering. I want to see the same horror of what he did on his face, but it has never happened. It's as if he's put it into another of his compartments and that makes me wonder whether his conscience became hardened and calloused to what he was doing and it's still the same. If that's the case, then he could do these things again. He says he feels sick about what he did, but that's it, there's no emotion behind it.

To his credit he is concentrating on the present and in healing me, and I really can't fault him, but in my heart I am desperate to see real sobbing regret and sorrow that he could do this to us. But there's been nothing like that at all.

We've been together for 36 years so I know him. I've seen him get emotional, I've seen him deal with uncomfortable feelings, I've seen him sob about other things. This time, my gut is telling me there's something wrong here. It feels like he's shrugging it off because he's now making it up to me. KWIM?

I guess I want him to feel the same sense of disgust and horror that I feel. Like he's rolled in dog sh*t and was smothered and stinking. He doesn't see it like I do. To him it's a bit of a bad episode in his life and that's about it, and he says moving on is more important - which it probably is, of course.

Sorry to ramble. I just feel stuck, like I can't fully move on. I'm wrong, aren't I?

[This message edited by Healinggirl at 3:08 AM, February 3rd (Monday)]

Healinggirl posted 2/3/2014 03:21 AM

I've just read Kyrie's post and perhaps she's gone some way to answering this. It's amazing when this happens.

I think I'm still living with a 'dead man' who hasn't yet woken up.

Thanks Kyrie.

sisoon posted 2/3/2014 06:41 AM

Are you wanting your H to be disgusted with himself or with the prostitutes?

Gently, I have a hard time condemning prostitutes, since apparently so many of them are forced into prostitution.

The problem is with the customers. The customers, not the whores, bring home STDs. The customers keep the women enslaved. The customers break the laws. The customers keep the system going.

Healinggirl posted 2/3/2014 07:02 AM

Hi Sisoon,

His behaviour, not the women. I want him to show disgust about his own behaviour, and as I don't necessarily see that I worry that he would do it again. Perhaps the pleasure he got outweighs the revulsion. I felt revulsion and horror when I found out, but I never got anything out of it, unlike him.

sisoon posted 2/3/2014 10:22 AM

Yeah, I'm with you.

Have you asked your H about his thoughts and feelings about hiring prostitutes? Maybe he's too disgusted with himself even to mention it. (I hope that's the case.)

Gotmegood posted 2/3/2014 11:16 AM

Healing- I am with you 100%. As I have written on SI so many, many times, my WH has been sorrowful for hurting me, transparent, and patient with my healing. But from the beginning, I too, have found something *missing* in his regret. There simply is not the same disgust and revulsion that I feel for consciously choosing to violate the bond that I thought we had, with a prostitute, a cum dumpster. Specifically that, a prostitute.
I have served as a victims advocate in my lifetime. I understand the violation inherent in the sex and human trafficking trade. And I understand completely that the fault is my WH's, and not the whore's.
Sisoon: I think Healing does want her husband to be disgusted with his choice, and particularly that he sought out a prostitute. I know I do. This is different than blaming the prostitute. It is a need to feel that our values are the same. That our morals are in synch.
When I read stories on SI where men slowly think they have fallen in love w/ a co-worker, for example, or break boundaries that should be in place and eventually have sex with someone outside of their marriage, I understand the pain it causes. But what is different in the case of anonymous sex w/ a prostitute is there is no slippery slope. There is no 'I think I'm in love'. This is a calculated decision. A very debased decision. A decision to go into the underbelly of society to get his needs met.
Anyway Healing, I feel you. My WH had, while unmarried, and in his early 20's, gone to a prostitute while traveling in Amsterdam. He remembers this incident as guilt-free and pleasurable. This is one key reason in his stupid mind, that while feeling shitty about himself last spring, he went on-line and found, booked, and had sex with another prostitute. I think that another link is pornography, which depicts women as just a willing *hole* to be used by men. That shows sex without any commitment or emotions as okay.
And I absolutely do want to hear him say that he is revulsed by the whole scene, and I haven't heard that. And, sadly, I don't think that I ever will.

PinkJeepLady posted 2/3/2014 15:15 PM

I hear you on this one! I wondered too for a long time, where is the disgust?? I mean yeah I saw the shame, guilt, remorse, but I was kind of wondering about the "disgust".
I hear you about the filth with the prostitutes too. Dirty is an understatement.
I think I am finally seeing it though. I have seen a turnaround and change with my H after our Retro weekend and part of it has been the disgust. I believe he is even using that word now. I think he thought he was "over" it but now realizes he was just burying the feelings. So, they are coming out now!
I can see it in his eyes, that's how I first realized he is understanding the "horror", seriously!
What work is your H doing to heal from this? Is he journaling? IC or MC? Focusing on the present is good, but I think a person really has to deal with what they did too. Not dwell on it forever, but really understand the whole of it. I agree with "feeling the disgust and horror". It's not pleasant, but I think it has to be done.
Hang in there!

steadfast1973 posted 2/3/2014 15:46 PM

The prostitute in my case is not forced into anything. But i feel that he should be equally disgusted for using another human being the way he did. He dehumanized her... As far as he was concerned, at the time, it was different, because she was a prostitute, not a real girl. (His words on dday) I mean, he's a father of two girls for fuck's sake...

[This message edited by steadfast1973 at 3:46 PM, February 3rd (Monday)]

Gotmegood posted 2/3/2014 16:07 PM

Ditto on the *prostitute in my case is not forced into anything*. Self-loathing, emotionally skewed, and immoral, most definitely yes. But she has chosen to work in the sex trade.

hathnofury posted 2/3/2014 16:08 PM

You are not wrong. I hear you and what you are feeling is absolutely valid. I can totally relate.

FWIW, I have had the same issues. Year Two of R is particularly hellish for us in this sitch. We often spend the first year reeling from the shock, doing all the things we need to do to establish boundaries and self care, prepare for the worst, etc and we don't have the time or ability to understand how incredibly disgusting what he has done to himself and ourselves in the early days of discovery.

Then a year later, you are much stronger, can see things more clearly, and you are rightfully pissed off and disgusted beyond compare. Of what you endured before you knew, and after you found out. HOw you still extended some benefit of doubt when it wasn't warranted, a true gift of mercy, and he STILL didn't do anything and everything under the sun to make things right probably more times than you want to admit. Still doesn't apologize enough, still doesn't appear to be mortified of what happened, etc.

Chances are, he's pretty damn ashamed. If he has truly been doing what he needs to do in therapy, the IC has explored that with him. But the rub is, to get better, he has to have the shame lift. And he can't do that if he stays in it all the time.

I can tell you what helps me. Early on in SI, I stumbled on a thread "What Every WS Needs To Know" in the Waywards section. It has all kinds of stuff in it and is super long, but near the end is a part about six statements. They are six statements a WS should make to their BS with some regularity in no particular order. In those six statements, the shame of what they did is addressed. If your WS is willing to do this on regular basis, it will help with this specific issue. No, it's not the same as admitting he is the equivalent of being rolled in dog shit and he certainly will likely not exhibit the same level of disgust that you and I have, but to hear him address it to you regularly will have an effect.

I hope this helps. Again, I absolutely understand and what you feel is very valid.

Healinggirl posted 2/4/2014 16:21 PM

Thank you everyone for your replies. I'm so relieved that there are others who get where I'm coming from.

I think he has a lot more work to do on himself, the abuse has destroyed his ability to recognise and understand feelings.

Thank you for pointing out the thread Hathnofury, I've printed out the relevant bits.

I always appreciate your help, what would we do without each other..

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