Healing- I am with you 100%. As I have written on SI so many, many times, my WH has been sorrowful for hurting me, transparent, and patient with my healing. But from the beginning, I too, have found something *missing* in his regret. There simply is not the same disgust and revulsion that I feel for consciously choosing to violate the bond that I thought we had, with a prostitute, a cum dumpster. Specifically that, a prostitute.
I have served as a victims advocate in my lifetime. I understand the violation inherent in the sex and human trafficking trade. And I understand completely that the fault is my WH's, and not the whore's.
Sisoon: I think Healing does want her husband to be disgusted with his choice, and particularly that he sought out a prostitute. I know I do. This is different than blaming the prostitute. It is a need to feel that our values are the same. That our morals are in synch.
When I read stories on SI where men slowly think they have fallen in love w/ a co-worker, for example, or break boundaries that should be in place and eventually have sex with someone outside of their marriage, I understand the pain it causes. But what is different in the case of anonymous sex w/ a prostitute is there is no slippery slope. There is no 'I think I'm in love'. This is a calculated decision. A very debased decision. A decision to go into the underbelly of society to get his needs met.
Anyway Healing, I feel you. My WH had, while unmarried, and in his early 20's, gone to a prostitute while traveling in Amsterdam. He remembers this incident as guilt-free and pleasurable. This is one key reason in his stupid mind, that while feeling shitty about himself last spring, he went on-line and found, booked, and had sex with another prostitute. I think that another link is pornography, which depicts women as just a willing *hole* to be used by men. That shows sex without any commitment or emotions as okay.
And I absolutely do want to hear him say that he is revulsed by the whole scene, and I haven't heard that. And, sadly, I don't think that I ever will.