I just got involved down the slippery slope, enjoyed it,denied the consequences
"Your secrets keep you sick"
The difficulty we face is the grief I feel for what I have inflicted on my wife is much different than the grief she feels because of what I have done to her. I have not been lied to and cheated on. I know it is so much easier for me to compartmentalize and not look back. I cannot say exactly how I would feel if I were the BS instead of the WS--all I can do is imagine.
[This message edited by Cornbread at 9:57 PM, February 3rd (Monday)]
I would like to think of the new me, the me intent on being the husband that I should have been all along, as all that remains to carrying on.
What will you do when the old you rears it's head?
I have done work to look at and reconcile with my past, so I don't repeat the same behaviors.
Stuffing things down, not looking at and dealing with them does not make them go away.
It puts them on the back burner to continue cooking.
I would prefer to think of the old me, the selfish me, the cheating me as dead and gone, and in the dustpan of history.
If only he were dead and gone! Pushing him aside just means he could come back again later, when the going gets rough.
I prefer to look at the present & future but my BS wants me to look into the past & reasons for why/how the A took place.
She''s given you the gift of R. Would you say you''d *do anything* to thank her for that gift, and help her heal from the terrible hurt you caused her? Then why not do what she wants? Are you afraid to look into the past? I sure as hell am, so I get it. "Putting it behind us" is a lot easier than "going through it." BS get scared (from what I''ve read) when the WS doesn''t dig deep enough and figure out the *real reasons* you had the LTA, because they worry that if you don''t fix that underlying cause...they''ll never feel safe with you.
[This message edited by 20WrongsVs1 at 10:08 PM, February 3rd, 2014 (Monday)]
I resist this not because I have any longing for the AP but I just do.
I know FOO may have been a factor
Look, take it from someone smack in the middle of a FOO nightmare. This crap ain't easy. It's incredibly painful. I'm in the fetal position, writhing in pain, dealing with fallout. It hurts. And just when I think it couldn't possibly hurt anymore, acid gets poured on the wound. So. Why do I do it? Cause I'm worth it. I need to go thru this "surgery" of sorts, to get all the infection out of my system. I need to purge it out of me. And as painful as it is, I know somewhere down the road, I'll heal. I'll be whole.
The term "rugsweeping" keeps coming out a lot & I guess I do some of that. Not to deny anything that
the A took place, the pain it has caused for my BS but maybe I feel that the more that is disclosed about the A, the details of the sex & so forth, that the more pain it shall cause.
Rugsweeping screams of self-preservation. The WS is all, "They don't need to know cause it will hurt them. Blah, blah, blah". They're just protecting themselves. Look, we cheated. Our marriages could end. We took that chance by stepping out in the first place. You wife wants details, she wants to work thru it. So do you give her what she wants, what she is asking for? Or do you withhold? Not answering her, for whatever reason you've conjured up in your mind, just tells her she's unimportant and not worth it. How important is your wife to you?
I too have said I will not let myself repeat my infidelity. I have done a fair amount of reading "the literature", seen postings on SI &
have established boundaries that reinforce the notion of "not letting myself repeat the infidelity".
Bottom line, you're white knuckling this. Like a dry drunk. Chance of relapse? Huge.
I have participated on many forum boards covering a variety of topics. On most boards, people think there is a correlation between your post count and how much you may know about the subject of the forum board, and they use their post count as proof of their superior knowledge. Many times, the opposite is actually true. Sometimes, people are so eager to pontificate that they seize a statement out of context and try to beat you over the head with it, while missing the bigger picture. In spite of that, SI is still a great source of information.
I wish I could help you, but I don't know how to dig deeper to find out why. Many people swear by IC--and say the counselor will help "peel the onion". I don't know what that means--hopefully others can explain. For me, I know why. I made a decision to cheat on my wife because I felt I was deserving. I was so focused on me and what I wanted that I did not consider my wife's feelings. It was not because I was abused or neglected as a child; it was not because I grew up poor. It was because I was selfish. I wanted what I wanted. I suppose some people may not understand why they cheated, but I am not one of them. I am totally responsible for what I did.
I think it is natural to rugsweep. No one wants to cause their BS pain, and I wanted to protect myself from her wrath. It hurt me in several ways to give my wife the details of what happened. I thought I could spare us both pain if I minimized my affair. The truth has a way of getting out and that led to the TTing. Unfortunately, that had just the opposite affect and only increased her pain and anguish. I learned a valuable lesson about TT, but the cost was very, very high.