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Newest Member: Mercedes66 (46046)

User Topic: lie detector
thunderhead0187
♂ 42245
Member # 42245
Default  Posted: 7:38 AM, February 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello everyone i am relatively new to this sad club. My d day was 12/30/2013 i am or was in a ltlr of nine years. I was the one who got the call from ap former wife after my ws had been home for the week of christmas. She said she couldnt bring herself to tell me but had intentions of doing
So. From what ive been told the a lasted approximately six months four of which were physical. I feel like i cant trust anything im being told about the awful details even though the ws seems to be remorseful she is in single therapy and we are in couples therapy. Everytime i think i take a step forward i feel like i fall right back into a pattern of asking the same questions expecting diffrent answers. She says i am going in a circle and that i am getting the truth and that her answers will not change. I guess i feel like i am beating a dead horse, but obviously i cant trust anything she says. I have been reading about some of you who have used lie detection or at least the threat of it. Has anyone had success with this tactic ? I appreciate your stories and any answers. Glad to be among people with the same crappy experience. :-(

Posts: 7 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: thunderhead0187
4everfaithful83
♀ 41761
Member # 41761
Default  Posted: 8:04 AM, February 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I haven't used this tactic (sometimes wish I had, but was never sure how to go about it!) but I just wanted to say sorry you are here and I'm sending you strength!

It just plain sucks!! :(


Always know if the juice is worth the squeeze...

ME: 31
WBF: 27
Together 7 years
1 doggie
DDay: June 24, 2013
IN R...


Posts: 565 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
spond
♂ 41686
Member # 41686
Default  Posted: 8:16 AM, February 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I used this tactic. I had it scheduled and everything, a week or so before the test, she came clean with everything. She had agreed to take the polygraph and still says she will if I ever feel the need for her to take it. I cancelled it for the time being, though there have been thoughts of verifying some of answers to my questions about those nights.

When I first proposed the idea (before the physical piece of the A was out), you could tell she didn't want to take it. She claimed she would have regret towards me for asking her to take it.

If you use it this tactic, be prepared to follow through with it. You can tell a lot by just her reaction to it. Tell her about it face to face. So you can read her reaction in her face and body language. Make sure you research it in your area first, get prices, availability, name and what truths you wish to find out. You shouldn't have to list the questions, but more the info you seek. The polygraph administer should word the questions.

The trust piece is sooo hard to get over. I still work on it everyday since D-Day. I question things she says in my mind all the time. It helps when she says things and I confirm them. There will NEVER be blind trust again, the one piece I think I will miss the most.

Good Luck!

[This message edited by spond at 8:19 AM, February 3rd (Monday)]


BH(me) | fWW
2 Kids - Married 2002
D-Day TT & EA | D-Day #2 PA
Reconciling

Posts: 427 | Registered: Dec 2013
SadInNC
♀ 42170
Member # 42170
Default  Posted: 8:23 AM, February 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm glad you posted about this but I too, am sorry that you find yourself here. I have asked my WH to take a lie detector test about 3 times now and he refuses. Just last night, we had a huge fight about this issue. My D day was 12-9-13 but it was filled with lies and TT. I cannot believe a word he says because he has looked me in the eye and lied on numerous occasions. Last night I said it's either D or the lie detector.

I have now put myself in a bad position because I don't have the money to go to a lawyer. If I did, I would go and atleast start the paperwork. I still love my WH and want R but I am living in hell right now. After our fight last night, the kids were giving him hugs and were mad at me. They are older, the youngest is 15 and he actually pushed me into the bedroom and told me to just go to sleep.

I am the bad guy now because of my anger. MY WH is the good guy who refuses the lie detector test. I honestly feel completely and totally alone in the world right now. How do I process all of this hurt and go on? I want to just crawl into a little ball and not speak to anyone at all today.


BS/Me WH/Him

"Your value doesn't decrease based on someone's inability to see your worth." -Unknown Wise Person


Posts: 345 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: North Carolina, United States
Howie
♂ 41922
Member # 41922
Default  Posted: 8:25 AM, February 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I cant say if a mechanical thing would bring you closure, it might, People differ. But one way or another if you are to rebuild a life together you are going to have to practically trust her.As to the horrible details of what happened, they will obsess you.Part of this is good, the desire,need for truth is a the only way to your personal recovery- I know.. In my case a period of many months when I went over and over the same narratives of her behavior.I began to realize, it wasn't helping, I was getting no where,it was part of the damage -and moved on.
I was satisfied she was telling the truth in detail - on multiple tellings her accounts were basically consistent and my gut told me her attitude was right. There is a time to let go-for your health, the suspicions about what happened and that time is when you trust her. Maybe a lie detector will help you but ultimately its a personal transformation. Pardon me if I was preachy- this is a terrible place to be in-I know, and best wishes getting out

Posts: 192 | Registered: Jan 2014
thunderhead0187
♂ 42245
Member # 42245
Default  Posted: 8:38 AM, February 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for the replies that I have received. It's really comforting to know you people are out there :-) dear sadinnc please don't feel alone if you can't talk to anyone there we are all here for you. Don't crawl into a little ball you didn't do anything wrong. Be strong. :-)

Posts: 7 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: thunderhead0187
MercifulH
♂ 42045
Member # 42045
Default  Posted: 8:56 AM, February 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I told my WW that I was going to polygraph her a few days after DDay#2. She said she would do anything to fix what she did. She said she would go to show me she was telling the truth. I thought about not going through with it as she gave up some more details about the A. Then I caught her in more lies. I'm thinking at this point I won't be satisfied with the story I have until I get everything confirmed through a polygraph.

SadinNC - My parents went through divorce too and my mother had real anger problems. She needed counseling and medication to help her control her anger. I suggest you look into these things. One thing my mother did that really hurt us as kids was she would bad mouth my father around us, once she realized how much it was hurting us she stopped. It really does not help so I hope you are doing what you can to avoid it. Your kids will realize what your WH truly is in time. It took me a long time but I have recognized my father for what he is. My mother had to pretty much cut all ties with my brother because he lied to the court during the custody hearing to stay with my father because he didn't have any rules at his house and let my brother and his new girlfriend's kids do whatever they wanted (do drugs, hang out with thugs, etc.) It will be hard and take a long time, try to keep your composure and not bad mouth him. He will hang himself, he doesn't need your help to do it.

[This message edited by MercifulH at 9:05 AM, February 3rd (Monday)]


Me - BS 27
Her - WW 26 (Neveragain1221)
Started Dating 12/08/07
Married 04/03/12
D-day#1 05/02/12 Gaslighting, Rugsweeping
D-day#2 01/03/14 Confrontation about D-day#1, got confession
4 year EA and PA, TT, Affair began less than 1 year after we

Posts: 30 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Minnesota
realitybites
♀ 6908
Member # 6908
Default  Posted: 9:11 AM, February 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Don't use it as a hopeful way to get some truth, be ready to follow thru with it. I understand it is scary to ask for things so as a BS we try to "soft sell" things at first just hoping and praying we get what we need to heal. But in the end, for many WS's it seems that you have to take your boundries all the way to the wall. Mean them and stand by them. If you ask for something and then back down you are just showing them that they can keep pushing that imaginary line further and further back from reality.

Its hard to be strong and stand firm. I think it is even harder when we give ultimatums without a plan in place of what you are going to do if you do find out anything more.


Posts: 5706 | Registered: Apr 2005 | From: florida
jb3199
♂ 27673
Member # 27673
Default  Posted: 10:01 AM, February 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you use it this tactic, be prepared to follow through with it. You can tell a lot by just her reaction to it. Tell her about it face to face. So you can read her reaction in her face and body language. Make sure you research it in your area first, get prices, availability, name and what truths you wish to find out. You shouldn't have to list the questions, but more the info you seek. The polygraph administer should word the questions.

AND

Don't use it as a hopeful way to get some truth, be ready to follow thru with it. I understand it is scary to ask for things so as a BS we try to "soft sell" things at first just hoping and praying we get what we need to heal. But in the end, for many WS's it seems that you have to take your boundries all the way to the wall. Mean them and stand by them. If you ask for something and then back down you are just showing them that they can keep pushing that imaginary line further and further back from reality.
Its hard to be strong and stand firm. I think it is even harder when we give ultimatums without a plan in place of what you are going to do if you do find out anything more.

We can go round and round with the arguments of the validity and accuracy of a polygraph, but the most telling result is the level of cooperation/resistance that your WS offers. Do you think that SadinNC's WH is giving her the truth? Absolutely not. He is more concerned about himself than he is for her. That is what a wayward will do.

I am not sure of your WW's mindset, but I can tell you a few certainties:

--A remorseful person understands that they have broken all trust
--A remorseful person will go through extreme efforts to restore that trust...if the plan is to reconcile
--A remorseful person will not show resentment for being given the opportunity to ATTEMPT to restore trust

If you feel that you need a poly to help restore trust, then so be it. No one here is going to tell you that you are wrong. But, as the others have warned, be prepared to follow through. Do not use this as an idle threat. Your mindset has to be one of conviction; if your WW somehow makes you feel safe enough to not follow through, you can always cancel.

[This message edited by jb3199 at 3:25 PM, February 3rd (Monday)]


BH-47
WW-44
2 boys-17 & 20(special needs)
Married 22yrs.(together 27yrs.)

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day: 9/18/09 D-Day#2: 2/19/10 The Marriage Killer: 6/6/11
Heading for D


Posts: 2147 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: northeast
SadInNC
♀ 42170
Member # 42170
Default  Posted: 1:32 PM, February 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just reading your responses helped. I was able to get to work, I was late but I am here. I blocked my husband from being able to text me. He can still call me, just not text. He didn't even try to call me but I received an email that said "for the sake of the kids and to keep the peace, I will take the lie detector test."

I didn't respond. But, somehow I don't feel much better because nothing was said about me. I am really crushed right now and have no idea what to do. I thought he loved me.


BS/Me WH/Him

"Your value doesn't decrease based on someone's inability to see your worth." -Unknown Wise Person


Posts: 345 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: North Carolina, United States
Topic Posts: 10

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