I came home to a broken, crying husband telling me we needed to talk. He proceeded to completely confess to an affair that lasted almost six months of our 18 month marriage.
I don't know the OW. I'm so thankful, because I'm already questioning - who is she? How can I be better so that he would want ME? I spend hours staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out why this happened.
I feel so foolish. I feel like I should have known, should have guessed - but it never crossed my mind! Even in the midst of an emotionally absent marriage, in the midst of little to NO intimacy, I still stupidly believed that this would never happen.
Am I stupid for staying? Is it possible to reconcile after this? My husband is remorseful. He is broken over what he's done, and every day is trying to prove to me that he loves ME. I'm craving his affection right now, but then I feel awful for even wanting it. I went from numb to tear-my-clothes, ashes on my face full-on mourning of Biblical proportions.
I just need to know I'm not alone.
I used to think that I was a secure, self-confident person, and that if I was ever cheated on, that my relationship would be over immediately. Now I find myself insecure and craving love and atention from the person who hurt me so badly. I don't know if its healthy, but its how I feel.
Firstly - DO NOT feel stupid! This is in NO WAY your fault, and how could you have known? If you had you probably wouldn't have married him, right? None of us have a way of knowing, otherwise we might have made other choices.
Unlike you, I had to catch my WBF cheating through text on his cell, and withstood 3 months of him TT (trickle truth) before I got all the info, so If you WH is admitting it to you on his own and is remorseful, I would say that is a good start. Not that it makes what he did any less bad.
There is so much support here on SI, I don't know how I would have made it through the last nearly 8 months without this family.
Read the healing library!
Reconciliation is possible with the right steps, like Full transparency on his part (all his passwords to social media,email,cell phone) absolutely NC (no contact) with the OW (has he written her a no contact letter?) and counseling (and more, I'm sure others will comment)
I'm sending you strength today. You are not alone, we are all here for you...
Together 9 years
DDay: June 24, 2013
Last night was my first screaming, rage filled accusation time with him. Today, I hate myself for it. I can see how horrible he feels, and I'm sure I didn't help that. But gosh, I feel so justified at the same time! I feel like I SHOULD feel this way. I don't know. I've never even thought about what my response would be if this happened to me. It's never been an option, and here's reality slapping me in the face.
Anyone who's been on SI for a bit will tell you that the beginning is a roller-coaster ride of emotions!
I'm almost 8 months out, and I still have bad days! And then other days I almost feel a sense of peace and understanding.
It is completely normal.
BS FAQ (Healing Library)
WS FAQ (Healing Library)
"How to Help your Spouse Heal From your Affair" by Linda J MacDonald
"Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass
Post often. Read others' stories. Go to couple/individual counseling and get your WH to go to counseling for himself. We're all gonna make it through this.
He should know that he has to be totally truthful and not hide anything or lie from here on out. If you find out in a few weeks/months that there is more you didn't know about, it will bring you right back to this devastation. And he has to break off all contact with the OW. He should send her a NC letter. But believe it or not--it is good that he confessed. He chose honesty, and that is important.
He should get in IC to figure out what drove him to handle his issues in this unacceptable way and to work on building up his boundaries. You may want to get IC too. And try to take care of yourself--what is something nice you can indulge in, to make yourself feel a little better?
Most importantly, be kind and forgiving of your mood swings, and of looking to someone who hurt you for comfort. This is normal. You are not alone at all. This happens to all kinds of marriages and couples. It is not your fault. You are not expected to assume you would be betrayed. And you can choose if you want to rebuild a better marriage or leave, but you don't have to choose now. Take time, be good to yourself, and get as much support from friends and SI as you need.
I want to believe that it can be reconciled. I ask so many questions, and it kills him to keep having to tell me the truth and destroying me again and again. I just feel so hungry for information. I want everything to be totally transparent, and no surprises. It just hurts so much.
I've NEVER felt this before. Like I'm being crushed under the heaviest weight imaginable.
Thinking to take a personal day from work this week just to sit and write and think. Is this crazy? Should I just let life go on and try to "fake it til I make it"?