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behindhazeleyes posted 2/3/2014 07:42 AM

Four days ago was the worst day of my life.

I came home to a broken, crying husband telling me we needed to talk. He proceeded to completely confess to an affair that lasted almost six months of our 18 month marriage.

I don't know the OW. I'm so thankful, because I'm already questioning - who is she? How can I be better so that he would want ME? I spend hours staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out why this happened.

I feel so foolish. I feel like I should have known, should have guessed - but it never crossed my mind! Even in the midst of an emotionally absent marriage, in the midst of little to NO intimacy, I still stupidly believed that this would never happen.

Am I stupid for staying? Is it possible to reconcile after this? My husband is remorseful. He is broken over what he's done, and every day is trying to prove to me that he loves ME. I'm craving his affection right now, but then I feel awful for even wanting it. I went from numb to tear-my-clothes, ashes on my face full-on mourning of Biblical proportions.

I just need to know I'm not alone.

Hannah25 posted 2/3/2014 07:49 AM

Unfortunately, you're not alone. When I joined a few weeks ago, I was amazed to see how many people are feeling the exact same feelings that I am.

I used to think that I was a secure, self-confident person, and that if I was ever cheated on, that my relationship would be over immediately. Now I find myself insecure and craving love and atention from the person who hurt me so badly. I don't know if its healthy, but its how I feel.

4everfaithful83 posted 2/3/2014 07:57 AM

Hey! Sorry you are here! You are not alone at all!!

Firstly - DO NOT feel stupid! This is in NO WAY your fault, and how could you have known? If you had you probably wouldn't have married him, right? None of us have a way of knowing, otherwise we might have made other choices.

Unlike you, I had to catch my WBF cheating through text on his cell, and withstood 3 months of him TT (trickle truth) before I got all the info, so If you WH is admitting it to you on his own and is remorseful, I would say that is a good start. Not that it makes what he did any less bad.

There is so much support here on SI, I don't know how I would have made it through the last nearly 8 months without this family.

Read the healing library!

Reconciliation is possible with the right steps, like Full transparency on his part (all his passwords to social media,email,cell phone) absolutely NC (no contact) with the OW (has he written her a no contact letter?) and counseling (and more, I'm sure others will comment)

I'm sending you strength today. You are not alone, we are all here for you...

behindhazeleyes posted 2/3/2014 08:16 AM

Thank you for your input. I've been looking at the forums here and wanting to be heard, but I'm still scared to write it out or say it out loud. It makes it so real.

Last night was my first screaming, rage filled accusation time with him. Today, I hate myself for it. I can see how horrible he feels, and I'm sure I didn't help that. But gosh, I feel so justified at the same time! I feel like I SHOULD feel this way. I don't know. I've never even thought about what my response would be if this happened to me. It's never been an option, and here's reality slapping me in the face.

4everfaithful83 posted 2/3/2014 08:24 AM

You shouldn't feel bad about how you feel at all. You were betrayed by the person you trusted most.

Anyone who's been on SI for a bit will tell you that the beginning is a roller-coaster ride of emotions!

I'm almost 8 months out, and I still have bad days! And then other days I almost feel a sense of peace and understanding.

It is completely normal.

MercifulH posted 2/3/2014 08:26 AM

Unfortunately you are not alone. My WW had a 4 year PA that started before and continued after we got married. We weren't even married a month when I caught her. At least your H confessed on his own. My WW probably never would have told me anything if I didn't catch her, and most of the information I have about the A is because I pressed her hard for it. Do not let the fact that he confessed dissuade you from inquiring further however. Most of the time WS's will confess to only some of the truth and keep the rest hidden from you because they think they are protecting you from being hurt. In reality, the exact opposite is happening. Just remember the most important thing: THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT! IT IS ALL HIM! There may have been problems in your relationship/marriage, most of the time there are, but you were in the same marriage, did you cheat? Something is wrong with your WH that allowed him to do it. Communication is key. When I found out, my WW and I talked, and talked, and talked. It was like we were rediscovering each other, learning things about each other that we never knew because of our communication issues. We got some books and read through some things in the healing library. I would recommend reading the following ASAP:

BS FAQ (Healing Library)
WS FAQ (Healing Library)
"How to Help your Spouse Heal From your Affair" by Linda J MacDonald
"Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass

Post often. Read others' stories. Go to couple/individual counseling and get your WH to go to counseling for himself. We're all gonna make it through this.

norabird posted 2/3/2014 08:28 AM

I'm so sorry you find yourself here. It is okay that you are thinking about staying. Really. It might be possible to R, or it might not; but you can choose what is best for you depending on how your WH acts and how your own feelings change.

He should know that he has to be totally truthful and not hide anything or lie from here on out. If you find out in a few weeks/months that there is more you didn't know about, it will bring you right back to this devastation. And he has to break off all contact with the OW. He should send her a NC letter. But believe it or not--it is good that he confessed. He chose honesty, and that is important.

He should get in IC to figure out what drove him to handle his issues in this unacceptable way and to work on building up his boundaries. You may want to get IC too. And try to take care of yourself--what is something nice you can indulge in, to make yourself feel a little better?

Most importantly, be kind and forgiving of your mood swings, and of looking to someone who hurt you for comfort. This is normal. You are not alone at all. This happens to all kinds of marriages and couples. It is not your fault. You are not expected to assume you would be betrayed. And you can choose if you want to rebuild a better marriage or leave, but you don't have to choose now. Take time, be good to yourself, and get as much support from friends and SI as you need.

behindhazeleyes posted 2/3/2014 09:52 AM

Is it a good idea to do IC before we do MC? Or should they be concurrent?

I want to believe that it can be reconciled. I ask so many questions, and it kills him to keep having to tell me the truth and destroying me again and again. I just feel so hungry for information. I want everything to be totally transparent, and no surprises. It just hurts so much.

I've NEVER felt this before. Like I'm being crushed under the heaviest weight imaginable.

Thinking to take a personal day from work this week just to sit and write and think. Is this crazy? Should I just let life go on and try to "fake it til I make it"?

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