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Newest Member: asherssoul (45716)

User Topic: Turmoil. Confusion. Help.
seenow
♀ 40720
Member # 40720
Default  Posted: 9:06 AM, February 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So confused. Not even sure what to post. Basically at the end of last week before and after a polygraph I discovered my husband has never really been faithful to me. He doesn't go hunting for other people but doesn't say no when they pursue him. He doesn't ever say no.

He has lied to me our whole relationship. How could I tell if he is being truthful about anything? Does anyone take a monthly polygraph? And then really what is the point if you have to do that.

He lied to his IC. His IC released him to once per month because he was "getting it". But WH wasn't. He was saying what the IC wanted to hear. He tells me what he thinks I want to hear.

WTF is wrong with him? Is this still a fog?

What do I do with this person I have basically been with my whole adult life? How long do I wait to see change? When do you just give up?


ME: BS mid 40's
Him: WH mid 40's
DDay 5/13 5 year LTA, ONS
together 25 yrs
1 kiddo

Posts: 301 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: mountain west
OnAnIsland
♀ 34319
Member # 34319
Default  Posted: 9:12 AM, February 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

so sorry that you are here. you don't have to decide what to do now. you can take your time and regain your balance after this most recent shock. But work on healing yourself. Remember that this has nothing to do with you. That should be abundantly apparent to you now, if it wasn't before.

Figure out what you want. Figure out what you need from a partner and from this partner. (overlapping ven diagram- not necessarily the same thing- he has betrayed you and devastated you- what do you need to continue in this M). And communicate your needs and boundaries to him. Does he need to be in IC? Do you need to communicate regularly with his IC? Do you need a release from him for IC to share evidence of new betrayal? What do you need?

You are going to need to turn the volume down on him, and watch him. His actions count for more than his words. He has shown you the worth of his words with this trickle truth since last may.

Take care of yourself. Thinking of you.


D-day: Christmas 2011
D-day 2: 3/28/2013

Married for over 15 years
2 beautiful boys in elementary school

You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them. Maya Angelou


Posts: 1479 | Registered: Dec 2011
norabird
♀ 42092
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 9:17 AM, February 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry you're here. It sounds as if your WH is not giving you any reason to wait for change. He does not want to be authentic or truthful. He wants to keep behaving exactly as he wants no matter the cost to you. That is a lot of entitlement and rather than see it as an issue he wants to fix, he will double down on the lies to stay just as he is now--broken. If you can get some distance I think your confusion will turn to clarity if you start to truly accept how unrepentant he is and what that really means for your future.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4203 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
realitybites
♀ 6908
Member # 6908
Default  Posted: 9:18 AM, February 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

before and after a polygraph I discovered my husband has never really been faithful to me.

Multiple AP's thruout your whole marriage?

He has lied to me our whole relationship

I am so sorry about this, that must have been very hard to KNOW you had to do a poly to get the truth but I just want to tell you how strong that was of you to go thru with it and get it done. You have the truth now, that is very important. I would tell you to now make sure you are following this up with IC for yourself. I think it is critical for you to have someone lead you thru this period. Because like an abused or battered wife you are looking to the abuser to make this right for you....and sadly it won't come from there, it has to come from you.

I hope you find more of your inner strength to get help for you and work on you now. I think you deserve it.


Posts: 5697 | Registered: Apr 2005 | From: florida
AppalachianGal
♀ 31672
Member # 31672
Default  Posted: 9:28 AM, February 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sounds similar to my H. My H may have a personality disorder. I've spent a lot of time looking them up and reading about the various ones. Mine also lied to his IC and our MC about his faithfulness. He tells me what I want to hear. He will then take something I say or do and totally twist it to suit his purposes (usually to make him out as the victim). I never know what the truth is. Always needing ego stroking from OW. Never remembers when I do it. I'd look into personality disorders if I were you. Then, go from there. Possibly get a psych evaluation.


BS (me) 41; WS, 44
DD#1- 09/07/10 secret cell found, texting ho-worker. Denies EA/PA
DD#2- 12/29/13 admitted ONS (1993) with bar slut 3 yrs into marriage
DD#3- 01/21/14 ho-worker from 2010 involved "one-time BJ."

Posts: 447 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: TN
NeverAgain2013
♀ 38121
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 9:33 AM, February 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was married many many years ago to a guy just like this. He'd cross any line, had no boundaries, took whatever opportunity fell in his lap.

I left him.

Best decision I ever made. Love or longevity had nothing to do with it - lack of respect for him and his OBVIOUS lack of respect for me is what clinched it.

We all have our limits, you'll reach yours.


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1890 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
Pass
♂ 38122
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 9:50 AM, February 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry, SeeNow, but this isn't a fog. He's not thinking he's in love with a "new girlfriend". He's fucking everything that moves.

This is the behaviour I suspected in my wife as well. I knew that I could never trust her, and I didn't want to spend the rest of my life in the role of Booty Call Sheriff. So I left her. I left her real good.

And it's the best decision I ever made.

Don't get me wrong, there's a whole lot of suck involved in breaking up a long-term marriage - and especially when there are kids - but it just doesn't sound like this man can be trusted. And each DDay does not get easier. You will continue to feel this pain each time you learn something.

I don't often tell people to just leave, because that's a decision we all have to make on our own, but I don't think you will have a chance to relax and be happy until you leave.

I'm sorry.


Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after 17 year marriage, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous


Posts: 2157 | Registered: Jan 2013
seenow
♀ 40720
Member # 40720
Default  Posted: 10:43 AM, February 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's not what I want to hear. I want a faithful husband who values me. I want the one I spent so long with to love me. I want him to want to change for a better life and for me.

This is so hard to know I don't have what I want. What I want may not be possible.

I try to do the right thing. Doing the right thing makes me feel good. No decision now makes me feel good.


ME: BS mid 40's
Him: WH mid 40's
DDay 5/13 5 year LTA, ONS
together 25 yrs
1 kiddo

Posts: 301 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: mountain west
seenow
♀ 40720
Member # 40720
Default  Posted: 10:59 AM, February 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

realitybites: Before we were married and just dating he had sex with his former GF. I give this a pass because we had just started dating. I do not give a pass to the lie that he didn't have sex with her.

Several years into marriage: ONS with a married coworker. She offered while at a conference in Vegas. Of course he said yes then felt bad. Told coworker it was a mistake and he was sorry. Never told me.

Several times made out with women in bars. Said if they had offered more he would have accepted more. Circumstances dictated him leaving before that could happen.

5 year LTA. Just wanted a fuck buddy but pulled into a relationship with married coworker. Destroyed his career with that one. Had to tell me because the job was affected.

Is it really bad with many ONS. No. Does it feel really bad because he never confessed and lied. Hell yes.


ME: BS mid 40's
Him: WH mid 40's
DDay 5/13 5 year LTA, ONS
together 25 yrs
1 kiddo

Posts: 301 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: mountain west
norabird
♀ 42092
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 11:02 AM, February 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Have you looked into meeting with an attorney to figure out your options? The saying 'knowledge is power' is often used at SI with relation to this. It might give you a better idea of how you can leave this situation, even if you don't feel ready to do anything definitive yet.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4203 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
seenow
♀ 40720
Member # 40720
Default  Posted: 11:09 AM, February 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes norabird, I need to consider that. Damn this is hard.

Thank you all for your ideas and support.

(DAMN DAMN DAMN. Fuck Fuck Fuck. ARGGGGG!!!)


ME: BS mid 40's
Him: WH mid 40's
DDay 5/13 5 year LTA, ONS
together 25 yrs
1 kiddo

Posts: 301 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: mountain west
obliquestrat
♂ 42165
Member # 42165
Default  Posted: 11:12 AM, February 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When do you just give up?

Disclaimer: I'm not a counselor, and I've never experienced this level of betrayal. When do I *think* I'd just give up, though? Right there. End it, 180, and then decide if it was worth starting a new relationship with the same person. I can't imagine how hard it is with the years behind it, though.

Look around here, and you'll see you're not alone. I have to remind myself of that too. Wishing you nothing but happiness, whatever you do!


ME: BS 36 - HER: WS 33
TOGETHER: 2001 - MARRIED: 2008 - KIDS: 2 (3 and 1)
D-DAY: 1/6/2014 (accidentally discovered 3M EA which had developed into sexting, makeouts, tickets for biz trip to Disneyworld)
R, IC, MC, NC (coworker)

Posts: 109 | Registered: Jan 2014
tearingaway
♂ 28618
Member # 28618
Default  Posted: 11:23 AM, February 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You need an attorney to get all of the legal issues sorted. You may have a really difficult choice ahead, but it is best to know you have the legal situation under control (relatively speaking).

Honestly, I don't see someone like your WH changing. If he has been cheating during your entire marriage and even after you were aware that he was cheating and attempted to address it with him, it is highly unlikely that he is suddenly going to go cold turkey now.

Maybe he can make a fundamental shift, but he hasn't so far. It sounds like he has a lot of work to do, but he may not be willing or able to do it.

I'm sorry.

Good luck.


Posts: 357 | Registered: May 2010
seenow
♀ 40720
Member # 40720
Default  Posted: 12:03 PM, February 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks tearingaway. As hard as it is, it is a step I must take. My sanity is dripping away.

Just to be clear, since Dday he has had no further sexual contact with anyone and no further contact with any APs, per the poly.


ME: BS mid 40's
Him: WH mid 40's
DDay 5/13 5 year LTA, ONS
together 25 yrs
1 kiddo

Posts: 301 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: mountain west
Charity411
♀ 41033
Member # 41033
Default  Posted: 4:32 PM, February 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((seenow))) It's so hard when you've been together for so long. I think you won't see a change until you change something. He's been cheating for your entire marriage. But you're still there. As long as you continue to be there he doesn't feel any need to change. It's working for him.

You seem to know exactly what you want and that you don't have it. Ask yourself what you are really staying for. Don't wait for him to change. The advice about your legal options is good advice. But in the meantime, I would consider either kicking him out or going to stay with someone yourself. As long as he can come home to you while he continues to do anything he likes he is not going to change. Leaving or kicking him out might shake him up enough to consider a change.


Posts: 402 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Illinois
Ostrich80
34827
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 5:05 PM, February 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't see fog, I see a lifestyle. I'm sorry seenow.


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 5238 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
seenow
♀ 40720
Member # 40720
Default  Posted: 5:07 PM, February 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You guys are so right. I am holding onto something that just isn't there. I keep opening my hand to see if there is anything and sometimes convince myself I see something and close it back up. I think I am in denial still. My head knows. My heart doesn't want to know.


ME: BS mid 40's
Him: WH mid 40's
DDay 5/13 5 year LTA, ONS
together 25 yrs
1 kiddo

Posts: 301 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: mountain west
cl131716
♀ 40699
Member # 40699
Default  Posted: 5:30 PM, February 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm with Appalachiangirl. I'm going through something similar. (((seenow)))


Me BS 31
Him WS 34 Trying4change
Together 3 years, married for one
D-day: 07/23/13 cybersex with COW
D-day: 12/27/13 found out he met and kissed a "friend" in 2011
"A clear and innocent conscience fears nothing."

Posts: 935 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Oklahoma
cdagal
♀ 38154
Member # 38154
Default  Posted: 12:49 PM, February 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He won't change because he doesn't need to change. The question I think you should be asking yourself is "am I willing to accept him knowing all this"? and then be willing to live with the behaviour if you decide to stay.

He has shown you who he is. Believe him. I know what it's like to have half your life invested in another human being and then see it implode. But you are the only one being hurt in this. It stops when you tell it to stop and the change will come from you.


M - 25 yrs
DDay - August 5, 2010
Divorced - December 12, 2011
He married the OW 35 days later
"Fall seven times, stand up eight" - Japanese proverb

Posts: 82 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Canada
norabird
♀ 42092
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 12:54 PM, February 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am holding onto something that just isn't there. I keep opening my hand to see if there is anything and sometimes convince myself I see something and close it back up. I think I am in denial still. My head knows. My heart doesn't want to know.

If it helps, you are not alone in this. Sometimes we hold on even when it hurts us. At some point though it dawns on you that you have to save yourself. The heart is stubborn but eventually, and maybe you are at this point now, you realize that there is nothing to be done, nothing worthwhile in the other person's behavior. It still keeps hurting, but you'll start moving towards peace once you can let go. My friend told me early on--The nothingness you're afraid of right now when you detach will be so much better than the something you are clinging to. She was so right.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4203 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
Topic Posts: 20

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