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I Just Don't Understand

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MadeOfScars posted 2/3/2014 09:11 AM

Its been 2 weeks today since D-Day. In that time, my WS has supposedly been staying at her Mom's - who knows for sure. I pretty much have to think everything is a lie.

Anyway, our communication has been at a minimum as I try to give her the space she says she needs to figure out whats wrong with her. We left it that R is not out of the question, but I also need time to get my head around this too and work on me and the strong possibility of life without her. That has been far from easy so far.

So, most of the communication we have had has had to deal with bills and day-to-day stuff. I'm still stuck in our home with all the reminders and responsibilities. She had to contact me yesterday to let me know that the cable bill failed to process payment since I took her off my account, and thus her debit card (which was tied to the cable bill) no longer worked. I got it straightened out. However, that's not what prompted this post.

She seems genuinely happy. She seems like we can just have a quick conversation like 2 people who do not have the history we do. I don't get it. I don't get how there's no sadness, no sense of guilt or remorse. It's like we never happened. It may have been a front. It's hard for me to read her. I thought I knew her so very well, but the woman I knew would not have strayed and hurt me so easily and callously as she has done. It's just like it is what it is, I'm I'm stuck in limbo and so very confused.

Why does she get to be happy when she did this to me?? How do all the good times we had seem to be erased from her mind? How does she not miss me? What did I do to be disregarded so very easily? How am I so worthless to someone who once said she loved me more than anything in this world? I just don't understand...

norabird posted 2/3/2014 09:34 AM

I don't have any good answers for you but I want you to know that you are not alone. I feel this pain too. All I can say is that it is better to feel the hurt and loss than to not feel it. You loved authentically and so you are mourning. That sucks, but it means you have the emotional intelligence to actually experience your life, and not to bury everything deep inside. She may be denying what happened, or rationalizing it to avoid facing the truth, but whatever it is, it's wrong. And you can't understand it because you're wired differently. Over time, you will be able to accept her behavior as being reflective of her own problems, especially if you keep focusing ahead on a future without her. Keep NC, 180 and focus on your new opportunities (there are some, I promise) as much as possible.

Brandon808 posted 2/3/2014 09:35 AM

Why does she get to be happy when she did this to me?? How do all the good times we had seem to be erased from her mind? How does she not miss me? What did I do to be disregarded so very easily? How am I so worthless to someone who once said she loved me more than anything in this world? I just don't understand...
I asked myself the same questions after my wxgf ended our relationship. She and I had been together 5 years, lived together 4 of those years. We didn't just date. Our lives were intertwined. I helped and supported her and her family as much as I could so I could not see how she could disregard it all so easily.

The answer is that you or I will not really get an answer. For whatever reason our respective WS decided to care only about themselves and what they wanted. It's easier to start over than fix what is broken. Out of sight, out of mind makes it seem like there are no issues. We will never understand how they, or any person, could be so selfish and callous. In truth we do not need to understand. We simply need to accept that they are.

Since a relationship takes two and of those people is completely destructive towards the other person then it best to move on. You remember all of the reasons you love her and want to be with her. You are thinking of the person you knew. You have to deal with the person you have. Take a step back and look at the person before you now. Would you ever want to even know this person? Not who she was. Not the history. Seriously take a moment to look at her and reflect on she is now, here and now.

Merlin posted 2/3/2014 09:38 AM

Give it time.

Give her the gift of missing you.

Merlin posted 2/3/2014 09:38 AM

Duplicate.

[This message edited by Merlin at 9:39 AM, February 3rd (Monday)]

Merlin posted 2/3/2014 09:38 AM

Duplicate.

[This message edited by Merlin at 9:39 AM, February 3rd (Monday)]

jb3199 posted 2/3/2014 09:40 AM

Why does she get to be happy when she did this to me?? How do all the good times we had seem to be erased from her mind? How does she not miss me? What did I do to be disregarded so very easily? How am I so worthless to someone who once said she loved me more than anything in this world? I just don't understand...

Nor will you ever understand, unless you accept the simple current explanation that your wife is broken. She is of a wayward mindset.

And a wayward mindset doesn't always have to focus on the OM. Or the cheating. A huge part of a wayward's mindset is the compartmentalizing, and the rationalizing of such, so they don't have to look at themselves in the mirror. And as long as they don't have to do that, it is EASY for them to discard the things that were most important to them.

THAT is why she appears "happy". Because while she is not being held to the fire, she has no worries. But what she is experiencing right now is by no means healthy.

Does that make it any easier for you to stomach? I would highly doubt it. But that doesn't mean that it is not true.

BrooklynLove posted 2/3/2014 09:43 AM

So sorry SoulHurts! Right now you need to be doing the 180 hard. You need to be going out and feeling good. Trust me it will get back to her. When my husband had his affair and was unremorseful, cruel and happy. I got out of bed, dressed up and went out with friends (I was miserable but still I did it). I went to cheap Caribbean got a 4 day trip for $399/per person (airfare and hotel included) with my girlfriend and went to Mexico. Once I started to live life again he woke up. My world was centered on my WH and he knew that. Once I was showing signs of moving on, all of a sudden he wanted this marriage to work. Get a nice haircut, dress up and go down to the bar for an hr for a beer. Go to the movies or call some friends up and go eat something. Get involve in an activity that will get your mind off of her for a couple of hours such as skiying, swimming, golfing, basketball, tennis or the gym. I went in enrolled in a masters of nursing degree to become a family nurse practitioner. You are allowed to be sad, but don't be sad around her or people she knows.

hopingforhappy posted 2/3/2014 09:59 AM

I think that another factor in all of this is that you are still processing a lot. You are finding out that your life is not what you thought it was and trying to figure out the how, why, etc. Her life is exactly what she thought it was--she lived it, she knows all the details. There is nothing for her to process (although I do agree that the wayward mindset by-passes a lot of the processing of thoughts anyway). She has worked through enough to come to terms with where she is, even if she is in the Fog.

RealityStinks posted 2/3/2014 10:46 AM

SoulHurts -
Right there with you man. My WW is the EXACT same way. Time helps my friend, but you have to get through the time. I'm a little over two months into the same situation. We're separated, rarely speak (yesterday was the first time in a long time), and she seems to be moving on.

Two weeks in, I was in your shoes. Now, my mind set is changing. You don't stuff 11 years worth of built up emotions in a few weeks. I am still hopeful for R, but at the same time I'm coming to grips with the fact that it may not happen. I'm almost to the same point that Rhett in Gone with the Wind was at when he left Scarlett: "Quite frankly my dear, I don't give a damn."

You'll get there too, but it takes time. Four letter word, I know. But, it's true.

Uhtred posted 2/3/2014 13:03 PM

Just out of curiosity did you out the other man? Was he married and if so did you tell his wife. That will destroy the communication that the two of them may still be having while you are at home suffering in silence. My heart goes out to you man. Stay strong.

MadeOfScars posted 2/3/2014 13:18 PM

She won't tell me who or give me any details. She says it doesn't matter and its over. Like I said though, she effortlessly lied to me before, so I don't know what to believe and have to assume the worst.

MadeOfScars posted 2/3/2014 13:24 PM

To clarify, by "it's over," she means the A. She says if we do go into MC we'll work out whatever details we need to in that environment. Not sure if that's best by any means, but I also don't know if I'm strong enough to know the details right now anyway.

I also have no reason to believe her, so yeah...

norabird posted 2/3/2014 13:25 PM

She won't tell me who or give me any details. She says it doesn't matter and its over.

This is not okay. She has to tell you who. She has to show you her correspondence with him ending it. Otherwise R is not possible. Right now unless she comes around detach and maybe even see a lawyer for a consultation. And know that this is not happening because of something you did or because you are worthless--it is something in her that went wrong. Keep communication minimal, and build up your knowledge that this is not something you deserved.

NikkiD posted 2/3/2014 13:31 PM

She won't tell me who or give me any details. She says it doesn't matter and its over.

She's FOS. The best thing to do is to work toward polite indifference. You dont have to be mean, but afford the same general respect that our parents teach us to have with everyone. Stop asking her and let her come to you with the truth. In the mean time, do you. Work on yourself. Understand she may never come around and DECIDE to be ok with that.

And should you feel its taking her too long to come around, do what you gotta do..

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