I don't know either OW or OW's BS. (BS is a female.) They live in another state, about 200 miles away. Through FB snooping, I have learned that since that time, OW and BS were divorced in November.
In all honesty, my motives for considering contacting OBS now are selfish. I want to see whether she can confirm the times and places that OW travelled during the time of the A. I think WH met OW more times than he has told me, and I really want the truth. If I'm wrong, and he really has been truthful, then I will be more comfortable moving forward with R. But if he is still lying, then I'm pretty much done.
I think that OBS knows that there was an A (again, FB snooping), but I'm not sure that she knows who the AP was (my WH). I'm afraid of "repercussions" for not contacting her sooner. And I can't deal with that right now.
I know that most posters here on SI strongly recommend that the OBS be told immediately, but I didn't do that. I now I want to do it for selfish reasons.
What are your thoughts on this issue?
I changed my mind and told the OBS when I found out the affair was still going on. He was grateful (we were friends but they had since moved out of country) and never gave me any grief about waiting to tell him, he said he understood. He was grateful I told him because he had been desperately searching for answers to explain why his marriage was in the toilet. It finally clicked and we were able to compare notes. And it really finally put the affair to an end. Well, so I thought for a while and that is another story...but it did seriously thwart their fantasy for a good long time.
Do you know for sure the affair is over? If you have any doubts, I would for sure tell the OBS. I waited and I thought that was the right decision at the time...until it wasn't anymore. And that was OK.
Well, what finally convinced me to tell him were learning from my H details about how the A started and learning that the OW (a supposed "friend" of mine) was even more conniving and back-stabbing than I had thought.
Screw noble! I felt that the OW's BS should know what type of person his spouse is and feel good about the fact that they are separated. And yes there was some retaliation in my motivation--after all, OW doesn't have any fallout from this. Her M is already over. I'm the one who's lost her mind and sense of self, who's dealing with reconciling a broken marriage, who's got to navigate the minefield of triggers that set me off at any time, who's got to figure out how to love a man who betrayed her and her kids.
So I say, do what you need to do to get the answers you need to move forward or not. You have the power to get these answers, even though it may be painful to learn the answers. The BS will thank you for telling.
In my case, OW had completely fooled her BH and was basically playing both him and my XH. She was telling them both they were her 'happy ending'. I am happy to report that they are also divorced now and her BH has moved on.
I think the other spouse should always be told. The need to know that their marriage is a sham and be able to make their own decisions regarding the marriage.
Also, and Iím sorry here Ė but you didnít believe she deserved the truth. Now you want her to give it to you. I think you should let it go. Sheís had enough pain between the A and the D.
WIgirl, I *think* the A is over, but it is possible that it has just gone underground. He could be limiting his contact with OW to working hours, using his business phone/cellphone/laptop. It's a concern of mine primarily b/c he has not yet given me the password to his "secret" email account. Of course at this point, if he were to give me his password, I don't think that I would find anything b/c I'm sure that he has deleted it by now. But that speaks volumes about where he is right now.
And back to my original post, if the A has gone underground, would OBS really care? They're divorced now.
[This message edited by foolishlycluless at 5:17 PM, February 3rd (Monday)]
And if they don't know... they need to.... for their own sanity. If only the WS would be honest and truthful we would not be in the position to have to tell!
[This message edited by LadyLove at 6:43 PM, February 4th (Tuesday)]
Don't know if I can live with it.
Always trust your gut. It knows what your head hasn't yet figured out. - Unknown
would OBS really care? They're divorced now.
For me - yes.
I found more As during and after my D. Each one that was revealed, I took it as validation that I was on the right road by ending the M.
It was ironic....some days I would just be down about how the marriage ended up. Just at these moments is when I got some news/evidence of another OW. It really helped me on my road to recovery.
Former 80s Icon wishful thinking
Each situation is different and each person is different. Which as humans make us great.
I could give many reasons to each side of the argument.
If the OBS and OW are divorced whats the sense in doing it. It can go two ways the OBS is still bitter and would love to tell or it will open up wounds that are healing