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Is it ever too late to tell OW's BS?

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foolishlycluless posted 2/3/2014 09:54 AM

It has been 4+ months since my d-day. At the beginning, I decided not to contact OW's BS. Not only because WH didn't want me to, but also MC said if I wasn't sure, that I could always do it later. So I opted to wait.

I don't know either OW or OW's BS. (BS is a female.) They live in another state, about 200 miles away. Through FB snooping, I have learned that since that time, OW and BS were divorced in November.

In all honesty, my motives for considering contacting OBS now are selfish. I want to see whether she can confirm the times and places that OW travelled during the time of the A. I think WH met OW more times than he has told me, and I really want the truth. If I'm wrong, and he really has been truthful, then I will be more comfortable moving forward with R. But if he is still lying, then I'm pretty much done.

I think that OBS knows that there was an A (again, FB snooping), but I'm not sure that she knows who the AP was (my WH). I'm afraid of "repercussions" for not contacting her sooner. And I can't deal with that right now.

I know that most posters here on SI strongly recommend that the OBS be told immediately, but I didn't do that. I now I want to do it for selfish reasons.

What are your thoughts on this issue?

WIgirl posted 2/3/2014 10:14 AM

I waited 3 months to tell the OBS. I truly thought the affair was over and I struggled with inflicting that knowledge on another person, even though I knew full well that it was their spouse at fault, I was just the messenger. My IC asked me what it would do for him to know, why did I want to focus on them and not my own marriage. I thought those were valid questions.

I changed my mind and told the OBS when I found out the affair was still going on. He was grateful (we were friends but they had since moved out of country) and never gave me any grief about waiting to tell him, he said he understood. He was grateful I told him because he had been desperately searching for answers to explain why his marriage was in the toilet. It finally clicked and we were able to compare notes. And it really finally put the affair to an end. Well, so I thought for a while and that is another story...but it did seriously thwart their fantasy for a good long time.

Do you know for sure the affair is over? If you have any doubts, I would for sure tell the OBS. I waited and I thought that was the right decision at the time...until it wasn't anymore. And that was OK.

veronique12 posted 2/3/2014 10:57 AM

I waited about 2 months to tell the OW's BS. They are separated and I wasn't sure of their timeline and thought that there might have been some overlap between their marriage and the A. I was scared of hurting him (a friend) so I put it off and also I thought that maybe my motive was just to "out" her, to make her look bad, which I wasn't sure was the most noble of reasons.

Well, what finally convinced me to tell him were learning from my H details about how the A started and learning that the OW (a supposed "friend" of mine) was even more conniving and back-stabbing than I had thought.

Screw noble! I felt that the OW's BS should know what type of person his spouse is and feel good about the fact that they are separated. And yes there was some retaliation in my motivation--after all, OW doesn't have any fallout from this. Her M is already over. I'm the one who's lost her mind and sense of self, who's dealing with reconciling a broken marriage, who's got to navigate the minefield of triggers that set me off at any time, who's got to figure out how to love a man who betrayed her and her kids.

So I say, do what you need to do to get the answers you need to move forward or not. You have the power to get these answers, even though it may be painful to learn the answers. The BS will thank you for telling.

phoenixrise posted 2/3/2014 11:34 AM

I think you should definitely do it they deserve to know...if it wasn't for a tip off I would have never known NOT A can be honest and say the reasons you were struggling in not saying anything. So what if it's selfish I don't think it is and even if you think so you deserve a little closure to give yourself peace of mind

bigpicture3236 posted 2/3/2014 11:41 AM

It took me months before I contacted the the OW's H, partially because I didn't have real proof for most of the time and then it was a matter of finding a secure contact for him where OW could not interfere.

In my case, OW had completely fooled her BH and was basically playing both him and my XH. She was telling them both they were her 'happy ending'. I am happy to report that they are also divorced now and her BH has moved on.

I think the other spouse should always be told. The need to know that their marriage is a sham and be able to make their own decisions regarding the marriage.

painfulpast posted 2/3/2014 11:46 AM

Iím going to go against the grain here. I donít think you should tell this woman. Usually, Iím all in 100% on telling the other BS. However, you believe she already knows, and they are now divorced. You arenít so much telling her, but asking her questions. She went through a divorce. I donít think she really wants to drag all of it up again.

Also, and Iím sorry here Ė but you didnít believe she deserved the truth. Now you want her to give it to you. I think you should let it go. Sheís had enough pain between the A and the D.

foolishlycluless posted 2/3/2014 17:16 PM

Thank you everyone for your comments.

WIgirl, I *think* the A is over, but it is possible that it has just gone underground. He could be limiting his contact with OW to working hours, using his business phone/cellphone/laptop. It's a concern of mine primarily b/c he has not yet given me the password to his "secret" email account. Of course at this point, if he were to give me his password, I don't think that I would find anything b/c I'm sure that he has deleted it by now. But that speaks volumes about where he is right now.

And back to my original post, if the A has gone underground, would OBS really care? They're divorced now.

[This message edited by foolishlycluless at 5:17 PM, February 3rd (Monday)]

wanttogoforward posted 2/3/2014 18:21 PM

Honesty... I don't think it's ever too late to tell... even if they are divorced it can bring the ex a level of comfort... why you ask??? Most of the BS's know on a major level that something is wrong and to find out even years later that you were not crazy is refreshing and can bring huge relief to the BS.

And if they don't know... they need to.... for their own sanity. If only the WS would be honest and truthful we would not be in the position to have to tell!

lostinthesouth posted 2/3/2014 21:54 PM

t/j sort of. It has only been 5 months since I shared my nuclear bomb with ow bs. We compared notes and sadness. My question is I now have a timeline--do I contact the obs to confirm some questions or do I just let it go??

LadyLove posted 2/4/2014 16:33 PM

Imo, it's never too late, especially if OW is still married to her BS. I found this site too late to see all those in favor of telling the OW's BS. MOW's husband committed suicide 6 months after my DDay. I don't believe he ever knew of the A. I don't know the circumstances behind his suicide, but maybe he may have seen things differently if he had known what his WW was up to. One of my biggest regrets was not informing him. His WW made sure I found out by outing my WH to me in a facebook message. Luckily my WH outed himself before I saw the message, but she forced his hand. She then hypocritically blocked me "to protect her husband" from me - as she said in another message.. then unblocked me to send yet another message to let my WH know that her BS was now dead - less than 48 hours after he took his life.. Like my WH was now going to claim her or something.. The funny thing is.. I never once responded to any of her FB messages, all she ever got from me & WH was crickets.. so I have no clue what she meant by "protecting her husband" from me other than she didn't want me to out her.. but she sure as hell wanted to out my WH to me..

[This message edited by LadyLove at 6:43 PM, February 4th (Tuesday)]

Katz13 posted 2/14/2014 13:01 PM

I need help on this one too. OW BS is hard to locate online. No FB etc. All I know is that he is a cop and I checked the departments website and they do not list the employees. All I have is a mailing address. I don't want to ask him any questions, I just want him to know what she did. I don't think he got the full story. My H says I shouldn't because he is a cop and could find ways to hurt us. Sounds like crap to me. I think he should know the truth but I also want to tell him to hurt her if I am being honest. Your thoughts or ideas on how to contact him? I don't want to speak to him face to face because I'd probably break down and I don't want to see her if she happened to be there.

EvenKeel posted 2/14/2014 13:13 PM

would OBS really care? They're divorced now.

For me - yes.

I found more As during and after my D. Each one that was revealed, I took it as validation that I was on the right road by ending the M.

It was ironic....some days I would just be down about how the marriage ended up. Just at these moments is when I got some news/evidence of another OW. It really helped me on my road to recovery.

Kelany posted 2/14/2014 13:16 PM

It took me a year to track down the one married AP's BS. I still told him. He deserved to know.

sidewayz posted 2/14/2014 13:24 PM

That's one of the things on SI that I personally disagree with.
Telling the OBS is extremely tricky and comes with many many different angles of repercussion.

Each situation is different and each person is different. Which as humans make us great.

I could give many reasons to each side of the argument.

If the OBS and OW are divorced whats the sense in doing it. It can go two ways the OBS is still bitter and would love to tell or it will open up wounds that are healing

mainlyinpain posted 2/14/2014 13:37 PM

I think the spouse deserves to know. It is her truth, the reality of her life. If I were her I would want to know, it is up to her to know how much, if she wants to get more info from you other than the initial--this affair happened.
It will allow her to go forward in life with truths she may not know. Perhaps to reaffirm her divorce decision. My mind goes to a scenario where she possibly gets back with her spouse because she does not know this information. This knowledge offers her protection. The protection of truth.

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