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Trying to be strong

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BC315 posted 2/3/2014 10:14 AM

Hello all. I'd like to share with all of you my story. My D-Day was January 30th,2014. Up until the moment that I discovered my wife's infidelity, if somebody had asked if I thought my wife would cheat on me, I would have answered with a resounding "No". This is in spite of the fact that my wife had weight loss surgery 3 years ago and looks fantastic. I had read all of the stats that many people who have this done aren't prepared to deal with the positive attention that they never received before and it can lead to catastrophic results, but I was sure that my wife would not be part of those statistics. However, I now know that that I was wrong. I found out quite by accident when my wife was careless and forgot to log out of her Facebook on the iPad that we share. I never would have even looked had it not been for Facebook chat popping up and me seeing a guy saying "Hey". So this of course got me curious, so I waited and that's when it happened. I was witnessing a real time chat between my wife and her AP. I don't think I have to tell any of you, that those words are what I see when I close my eyes. So I called my wife immediately and confronted her on her way home from work. She of course gets home, sobbing and sobbing and sobbing and then vomiting multiple times. I kept looking at her and thinking good for you, you bitch. But then something unexpected happened, I began to take pity upon this poor wretched creature. Since Thursday, all she does is mope and cry and cry and mope. She has deleted her Facebook and has been almost obsessive in telling me how sorry she is and how she will do anything at all to prove to me that she is and that she loves me. I don't know what will happen, but we are going to try. It won't be easy and it will take a lot of time and effort, but we believe that our love is strong enough to get through this.

norabird posted 2/3/2014 10:22 AM

Has she sent a NC (no contact) letter to her AP? That should be a first order of business. And if he is married, his wife should be told. You will also want to find a MC at some point but some people start with IC initially before moving on to joint sessions.

Sorry you are here. Take care of yourself. Pity on her, while normal, should not be your main concern right now. Focus on you. That said I hope you can get through this together. The old marriage is dead but some people do rebuild a new one. The timeline is long and rocky, but it is possible if your WW is remorseful.

jb3199 posted 2/3/2014 10:33 AM

Sorry that you find yourself here friend. But you did find a great place for support.

Your wife didn't cheat because of the weight loss. She didn't cheat because of the "new found" beauty. The reason that she cheated, generally, is because she has issues that need to be addressed. It is possible that the same issues that led to her weight and self esteem issues, are the same ones that allowed her to cheat. This will all have to be investigated further.

The bottom line--your wife has decimated you. Due to her brokenness, she has destroyed any and all trust that you had in her. Trust that was built up over a lifetime, has now been shattered. And lets not mention that your self esteem is in the gutter right now. Maybe you feel emasculated. These are all normal parts of the fallout of infidelity.

BUT, if your wife does put in the hard work, and you are willing to attempt reconciliation, you can build a new marriage from the ashes of the old. The most important thing to learn here, for both you and your wife, is that this can not be ignored. You can't sweep these problems under a rug, and hope it goes away.

Infidelity is a process, and must be dealt with thoroughly. It will be painful to endure, but it will get better. You have to understand that the affair is all on your wife. There is nothing that you did or didn't do that caused this. And it is up to your wife to discover, and solve, these issues. Yes, it will hurt like hell, but what other choices are there?

If infidelity is a dealbreaker for you, then that is just the way it is. No one will blame you for divorcing, if that is what you feel that you need to do. Your wife already left the marriage---it is up to you if you want to attempt to help save it.

Keep reading and posting. You will get a lot of advice. The members here can really help.

Good luck.

Uhtred posted 2/3/2014 12:30 PM

Damn I hate seeing all the new people that keep showing up. Sorry you're here brother. I don't have many words of advice to give but blowing this affair out of the water would be my first order of business. It will be a lot less likely that she will go back to it after the dust settles. Like norabird said if the man is married his wife needs to be informed. He will drop your wife like a hot cake after his wife lays into him. Taking the secrecy out of it will most likely kill all the mystique and attraction. I wish you the best of luck and a speedy recovery.

newnormal posted 2/5/2014 06:22 AM

Welcome to the best club no one wanted to join. SI is a great resource. Keep posting as you have questions, we are here to help. You will cycle through the shock, anger, sad emotions for awhile. That's normal. But you will make it through!

In the meantime, take a read over at your left in the healing library. When you hit the anger phase, do the 180. It's something you do for your healing.


ZedLeppelin posted 2/5/2014 22:32 PM

Playing Devil's Advocate here:

Do you think she had the weight loss surgery in the hope of attracting other men?

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