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Newest Member: silenceisnotgold (46036)

User Topic: 2 Weeks in
Beastmode23
♂ 42319
Member # 42319
Default  Posted: 10:49 AM, February 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well Im roughly 2 weeks into finding out my wife has been having an affair. Heres the quick details.

We've been married for 6.5 yrs, together for over 10. We have two children. This past year we've both been kind of lost, and recently she decided to have an affair (since Oct). The guy is a professional colleague from her trade shows she goes to. They talked daily and had 3 encounters at shows (once a month).

Im trying to move forward and save our marriage.. I know this was her reaction to both of us being lost in the business of life. I am having a hard time with this all, and to make matter worse she is going through her "withdrawal" of talking to him. She is depressed, angry etc.. She says she loves me, but doesnt feel that "in love spark" often enough. She feels it occasionally (which makes me feel like it still there). Is her lost feelings from me due to her withdrawal? Or should be prepared that this is just a lost cause?


Posts: 4 | Registered: Feb 2014
norabird
♀ 42092
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 10:58 AM, February 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so sorry you are here. I see you making some excuses for her decision here, as you talk about your both being lost. That may be so, but don't take on blame for this. If you guys are going to R, she needs to take all of the responsibility for her choice to have an A. She also needs to send a NC letter to her AP, and if he is married, his wife should be told. You guys should get into counseling either as a couple or separately, too.

I don't know what course you will end up following, but I do recommend you try to stop focusing on where she is at and focus on yourself and what you need. It can be hard to do that but it is necessary. You need to figure out your boundaries and stand up for them. Take care of yourself, read some of the posts in the healing library (upper left corner), and good luck.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4235 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
Uhtred
♂ 40392
Member # 40392
Default  Posted: 12:16 PM, February 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey man I'm sorry you've found yourself here. Don't make excuses for her and her choices. You say you've both been wrapped up but you didn't choose to have an affair to cope. It all boils down to selfishness. There is never a good enough reason to cheat.


Me: BH 32years old DDay 4-29-13
Her: WW 33 years old
“Yet each man kills the thing he loves
By each let this be heard
Some do it with a bitter look
Some with a flattering word
The coward does it with a kiss
The brave man with a sword”

Posts: 633 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Houston, Texas
lordhasaplan?
♂ 30079
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 12:53 PM, February 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey welcome to the club no one once to belong too. A few things to consider, 1. read the healing library it is full of great knowledge that will help you through much of this turmoil. 2. Get tested for STD's asap. 3. Contact a lawyer to know your rights and to have the knowledge you need to make informed decisions even if you plan on reconciling. 4. Get an IC, counseling helps tremendously. 5. The affair is 100% her decision and its not your fault. There are a million healthy ways to deal with a stale marriage, landing on a penis at a trade show is not going to solve any problems within a marriage. 6. Your wife has some issues to deal with she also needs IC and she needs to get to the bottom of why she needs external validation and why she chose a borrowed penis to do it.
Sorry your here brother. Focus on yourself, your needs and your kids.


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
No life should be passively relinquished due to the toxicity of others and taking steps to protect yourself may very well be the most important steps you will ever take.

Posts: 1936 | Registered: Nov 2010
NikkiD
♀ 38173
Member # 38173
Default  Posted: 12:56 PM, February 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"in love spark"

I laugh everytime I see this phrase. Who told them the spark would always be bright and sparky by itself? Sigh...


"Spoil me with Loyalty; I can finance myself...."
ME: BS-33
HE: WS-32
Married 3 years, known 20
2 kids
D-Day #1 12/30/12
False Recovery
D-Day #2 1/21/14
LTA 5 years-ish
Riding the "Struggle Bus"
Living apart....

Posts: 668 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Midwest
Beastmode23
♂ 42319
Member # 42319
Default  Posted: 3:50 PM, February 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel like she should be trying to do whatever she can to win me back.. But it is instead the opposite. Today I realized I need to stop trying to convince her that she does love me.. Today I realized if she wants me back, she will have to win me back. I love her with all my heart, but her "withdrawal" is killing me slowly. Time for me to pick myself up, dust myself off and stop being a victim to this bullshit. Time for me to start living life, and if she isnt going to be part of it.. then so be it! Im a good dad, a good guy and successful.. She wants a two bit loser from Canada.. then go be with him.. she wants to sulk over him, then go.. Its time for me to stand up! I wont file for divorce, because I wont be the one to walk out on my kids.. I will not take her continuing in any way her relationship.

Posts: 4 | Registered: Feb 2014
Skan
♀ 35812
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 5:14 PM, February 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wont file for divorce, because I wont be the one to walk out on my kids..

Dude. You don't have to walk away from your kids. If you file, you file asking HER for spousal/child support, physical & legal custody of your children, and for the majority of time. Oh yes, and also sole use of the house which means that she legally has no right to be there, you can change the locks, and she can go find lover-boy to bunk in with. Or hot-bunk on someone else's couch. Her problem.

Speaking as both a BS and a woman, you need to get up on your back feet and start roaring. Start projecting that you can do Very Fine Indeed Thank-you-very-much without her. These is nothing appealing about lying broken on the floor to an un-remorseful WS. Find your anger and get strong! And tell her to shove that Love Spark where the sun don't shine because right now neither of you are feeling it but SHE's the only one that went out and tossed her panties over the fence.


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 5238 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
Topic Posts: 7

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