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Newest Member: byes329 (61868)

User Topic: Example to children
Member # 39162
Default  Posted: 12:08 PM, February 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One of the worst aspects of having an affair seems to me the piss-poor example it sets for the children.

I really hope, having seen the awful effects on both of us, and myself in particularly, that they'd never choose to go down that route, but who knows?

Any thoughts?

Me - BW (54)
Him - fWS (61)
kiddies - daughters 22 and 27,son 22,
d-day - April 18 2012
15 years on/off LTA
R - but lots of bumps in the long road

Posts: 310 | Registered: May 2013 | From: uk
♀ 40699
Member # 40699
Default  Posted: 12:26 PM, February 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree! My kids are still really young so they don't really understand. I've already told my 19 month old (as if he understands) that he should always treat women with respect and expect the same. And should I ever find out he's been less than a gentlemen it will be me he has to deal with. I would be absolutely disgusted if one of my sons, or even my daughter for that matter, treated someone with such dishonor.

Me BS 33 Him WS 37
Together 6 years, married almost 4 years
D-day: 07/23/13 EA with COW
D-day: 12/27/13 found out about a past kiss
D-day: 05/30/16 Saw first text message from new COW
D-day: 09-08-16 Dr. Fone confirmed EA

Posts: 1243 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Oklahoma
♀ 33374
Member # 33374
Default  Posted: 1:19 PM, February 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As someone's who's father cheated when I was older (like 20, I clearly understood) and who's parents reconciled, it honestly taught me the value of marriage and fighting for it. Maybe not the best in picking a husband, as clearly mine cheated, but it taught me you don't throw the baby out with the bathwater and that marriage is serious and something you have to work on. Watching them struggle through it made me realize they truly love each other and work hard every day at it.

You are not dealing with rational people or situations. Normal thought processes won't work...story of my life.

Me- BW, 30
Him- fWh, 36
Mostly R'd, minus a few scars...bought a house and got a puppy...And baby makes 3! She arrived August 2013

Posts: 2156 | Registered: Sep 2011
♂ 41621
Member # 41621
Default  Posted: 12:25 PM, February 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My dad cheated on my mom when I was very young (4). They ended up divorcing.

The OM in the A with my exGF is married with four kids, the oldest is 10.

WS's don't realize that their A affects not only their spouse, but their kids as well.. Even though I was four, I can remember the fights and my dad leaving. I didn't understand why and thought maybe I'd done something. Of course, I hadn't, but that's how little kids think.

It's funny, though how a WS will say that they love their kids and would never do anything to hurt them, yet they are having an affair and betraying either the kids' mom or dad...

Another point is the OM or OW not caring, not only about the spouse, but their kids. That is something I have a very hard time with because of my situation where I never imagined my exGF would do something like that and be ok with continuing the A.

Posts: 113 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: West Coast
♂ 30221
Member # 30221
Default  Posted: 12:47 PM, February 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You can manage the damage to kids caught up in affair. You cannot avoid it.

Our 3 have had, each in their own way and in their own time, great difficulties trying to understand what happened to their mother and to their family.

People, including children, can learn from negative example. For me, the question is - do the hurts they endure as their family blows up overcome the lessons they could draw from it?

I have staked everything on the belief that one, strong focused parent can get children to a good place. Maybe not the place they could have gone in the absence of an affair and family breakup, but a good place nonetheless.

The jury is still out though early signs are encouraging.

Research on the effects of infidelity and divorce on children, no matter their ages - young, older and even adults - is very discouraging.

Just do your best with what you have.

"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A bird will fall frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself." D. H. Lawrence

Her: WW/57 Me: BS/63 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11

Posts: 1164 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: East Coast
♀ 29183
Member # 29183
Default  Posted: 12:59 PM, February 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WXH's father had an A and abandoned his pregnant wife and 4 year old son (WXH). WXH adamantly said, over and over, that he never wanted to be like his father.

WXH ended up having an A and abandoning his pregnant wife and 2 sons. *sigh*

As for my kids, I have sole custody. I also have a strong Christian faith and the values and morals with that, I am trying to pass down to my children. WXH had a mother who hooked up with his step-father less than a year later and due to some of his mother's and step-father's issues, grew up in a pretty chaotic and permissive environment.

With the stability and security and values about marriage and relationships I am teaching my children, I pray so hard that their father's example will not be the one they follow, and that this disgusting chain of infidelity can end with them.

3 amazing kidlets
To WXH "Now you're just somebody that I used to know."
D-day and separation - June, 2009
Divorced - December, 2011

Posts: 2596 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: A better place
♀ 41711
Member # 41711
Default  Posted: 1:04 PM, February 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My kids are very young (3, 2, and not born yet) so they will never know about it until we tell them.

We plan to use my husband's indiscretion as an example to them of the harms of our present day casual sex culture when they are old enough to understand.

We are hopeful by then that not only will they learn about the damage and destruction caused by infidelity, but also about how strong love can overcome even the worst of obstacles. (Keeping my fingers crossed that we can live up to that example over the next 11 or so years.)

BS: 26, SAHM
WH: 29. Together 10yrs, married 6
3 kids 3 and under
DDay 11/21/13 Husband had ONS Aug. 2013 while living across the country temporarily for work.

Posts: 88 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: United States
♀ 38141
Member # 38141
Default  Posted: 1:30 PM, February 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just sent an article to wh today about being the type of man/husband/father that he wants his little girl to grow up to be married to as he is the definition of what it is to be a man to her.

It also talks about being the type of man you want your sons to be!

As my sons are/were growing, I told/tell them that they have had an amazing example of an amazing man in their grandfather. Sad, huh? Happily, they both seem to be taking after their grandfather.

He hasn't replied to that email.

ME - Betrayed Spouse
Him - Wayward spouse

Lawyers involved.

Posts: 689 | Registered: Jan 2013
Topic Posts: 8

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