I am just about a week out from finding out...things. I am sure not everything. I have, at least, discovered a definite pattern of lies.
I've had suspicions now for over 7 years, since I was pregnant with my son. I only found suggestive emails back then, nothing concrete. 2 years ago I discovered he had a secret bank account full of money. He'd only told me about borrowing $5,000 but the bank sent him a letter and when I opened it I found out he'd taken out a $15,000 line of credit. A $10,000 lie!
He bought me an engagement ring with half the money, "so you won't leave me" saying it had been his plan all along and that's why he couldn't tell me about it. We'd been married 11 years at that point.
Most recently I'd had those nagging little feelings again, and started looking through his phone and internet search history. I saw that he'd mapquested the directions from our house to a nearby strip club on a weekend that I'd been out of town with our kids. In the last year I found that every time he went out of town (almost every weekend for both work and pleasure reasons) he was visiting strip clubs. I confronted him about it but he only got more secretive - all while telling me that "we had a deal" - he'd tell me if he was at a stripclub and he wouldn't pay the dancers for anything extra.
I wasn't OK with it, but I figured he was going to go with or without telling me, I guess I'd rather he told me.
Last weekend, on the 31st, he was out on a snowmobiling trip with friends. He called multiple times that night to check in, told me where they were and where they were heading next. Around 11:15 he told me that they would be back to the truck in an hour and he would let me know he was coming home. That night he says he got in at 1:30am. He slept on the couch, which is highly unusual. He said he didn't want to wake me up.
I asked him point-blank if he had any confessions. He looked me straight in the eye and told me no. Then he asked if I had any.
The day went on and I truly believed that he hadn't done anything other than ride around with friends that night. He was acting strangely, though. Offering to go pick up the kids from their activities which is a task that usually falls to me. When he wasn't doing that he was moping on the couch or sleeping. Later that night I tried to get him to have sex with me but he flat out denied me. He said he was too tired. I was hurt, but I believed him. We went to bed.
The next day I felt it in my gut that something was off. I went down the stairs while he was sleeping and tore through EVERYTHING. His phone. His bag. His pockets. His wallet. I found an ATM receipt for $150 at 9:45 in a town about an hour away from where he told me he was at that time. He only had $40 left in his wallet. And then I found a pair of underwear in his trash can under his desk that he had obviously orgasmed in.
I confronted him, he proceeded to lie to my face for the next 3 hours. We shouted and ranted at each other but he swore up and down that nothing happened, it was just a "wet dream" etc. In that 3 hours it came out that he was no longer as attracted to me, but that it was a product of his hormones, nothing else. Finally, finally after 3 hours he came clean. He had been at a strip club the night before and a stripper had put her vag*na on top of his hand and humped it. He was concerned because he had an open wound from a job site on the knuckle that was inside her vagina. He was worried about diseases.
It was a painful day. He was remorseful and promised nothing else had happened. I gave him a list that he had to comply with: Dealbreakers were stripclubs and lying, I wanted access to the doctor's report and I wanted the password to his bank account. He agreed.He went to the doctor the next day, I went with him. The doctor told him there was no way any disease transmission had occurred. I felt like I could, after time, believe him and move on from this.
I still had questions, though.
The next day, he still hadn't given me the password to the account. I could tell he was holding back for a reason. He finally gave in late that night. The next morning the first thing I did was check his internet search history (by signing on to his google account, not by looking at his laptop). I saw that he searched the town where he had pulled the money from the ATM. He'd also searched for ways to delete ATM and bank transactions from his account, and if ATM time stamps were ever incorrect.
I started to shake and then I started to DIG.
I blew my cover and told him I knew all this stuff about him, but I didn't tell him how. He kept denying trying to hide anything from me. I told him when we got home that we'd check his internet history. He said fine. But when we got there, he had erased it all. It was all deleted. He knew there was nothing I could prove now.
Basically the rest of this past week has been a big blur. I printed phone records, bank records (both our joint account and his account) google searches and map searches. Many, many searches for stripclubs in our area and the areas where he was traveling to. But he swears he never went to one that I didn't know about. There are HUGE inconsistencies with his stories. There are MANY withdrawals from his account - $200 each time he's out of town - but he's still used our joint account to charge for gas, food, restaurants etc.
But he swears up and down that sometimes he just searches things and "thinks about" going but he never follows through. He had a problem with porn and stripclubs and that's the real reason he's not attracted to me, but since he's said that he's also taken it back and said it's not true, he doesn't have a "problem".
I'm just sick. When I'm alone all my insecurities come out, but when I'm with him it's just so easy to believe him.
Right now I'm just trying to do the math - between what he told me he spent at the last club he was at and the amount that he pulled from his account, plus what was left in his wallet and the other $80 that he said he still had left (he showed me)... it doesn't add up AT ALL.