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How the "L" do you?

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LineInTheSand posted 2/3/2014 13:03 PM

How the "L" do you get over someone you had a short relationship with?

Long story short. I met this guy a few months ago but didn't give him the time of day. I finally let my guard down and we have gone out dancing a few times, etc. The first time he invited me over to his place, I declined. I'm sure you know where this is going. I eventually accepted his offer and the rest is history.

The guy told me upfront he won't marry so I knew that. He's had long term relationships in the past.

I started having feelings for this guy and now he's moving away. (I mentioned it in my previous post...he's 60 and I'm 45).

If I could go back, I never would have gotten involved with him. But it's too late for that.

Any suggestions? This was my first "relationship" since my marriage blew up years ago. Maybe that why it hurts so much?

[This message edited by LineInTheSand at 8:49 PM, March 23rd (Sunday)]

Undefinabl3 posted 2/3/2014 13:17 PM

I never wanted to be a friend with benefits but it looks like that's how it turned out.

As someone who in my college days actually had a FWB situation - this is not the case here.

I think what you had was a short relationship that ended.

It doesn't sound like there was malice on either side.

This was my first "relationship" since my marriage blew up years ago. Maybe that why it hurts so much?

This was your first dating experince since being married. I think that you learned some really valubles here too:

Be stronger then the invitation to the next guys place. That was ultimately your choice - and you went fully knowing that he didn't want to marry.

Be firm on you 'don't', if you really want to remarry, don't get involved with a guy that doesnt. Don't think you will change him.

Be kind to yourself. You are not a floozy or easy because you went a few dancing dates with a gentleman caller. Intimacy is a very desired thing, and when you haven't had any in a while, it can be very hard to turn down. This does not make you loose, it makes you human.

Don't give up girl. I think that you will realize that he's probably exactly what you needing in the 'rebound' after marriage.

1. He was fun, taught you that you can have fun again.

2. Everything that was meant to work does (if you know what i mean )

3. He taught you that you need to brush up on what your personal bounderies are (ie not sleeping with them for much longer time, ect).

nowiknow23 posted 2/3/2014 13:25 PM

Sorry you're hurting, honey. Be gentle with yourself. Based on everything I've read here, the first post-D break up hurts more than you would expect. ((((hugs))))

whatdoto posted 2/3/2014 14:01 PM


I was getting ready the post the exact story. Except this guy lives across the street, he's not moving. He told me he does not want a relationship. I was OK with that, then. Now, my "feelings" started getting I guess hurt so I now realize that I have to stop. Should have listened to others about waiting until we are emotionally healed somewhat. I've only been D 4 mos. I knew I shouldn't have, but I did. I feel like a heel.

Thanks undefinabl3 for that post.

heartbroken_kk posted 2/3/2014 15:01 PM

Nothing wrong with enjoying a little nookie

You are a consenting adult, and you did nothing wrong. Don't put labels on your choice.

Whalers11 posted 2/3/2014 15:53 PM

I am sorry you are going through this.

I have only had one "relationship" since my ex and I separated 4 years ago. There really have not been many men to awake that feeling in me, but this guy... wow. Like you, he was a little bit older than me (mid-40s to my early-30s) and I went into it knowing that we had different long term goals. (I wanted marriage/family and he, divorced with kids, was done with that.)

I thought I could handle a FWB thing, but I fell for this guy very hard and very quickly. I think I deep down thought I could change him, once I showed him how great of a catch I was. I continued to fall for him but once I saw he was not budging on his future plans and I had to get out before I got totally wrecked.

It hurt. A lot. The used feeling came later when I saw how quickly he was able to move on...

So...been there, done that. I think it's part of the NB learning experience...

fireproof posted 2/3/2014 18:45 PM

I think you remember how you feel and hold out for something better and give yourself a break.

Based upon what I have seen a lot of what we miss is having a partner so we associate the closeness with that feeling but in reality unlike our spouses we only have known people a short time so we sometimes get fooled.

My advice would be moderation and if the guy or any new friendship is meant to be them it will last.

If you know this is how you feel I would as a self love act do not cross that boundary. If you can accept it for what it is and be okay with it then I would enjoy the moment.

As far as the guy I would guess it is a personal thing. I would also guess that being his age he may or may not have a desire for a relationship and enjoys the freedom of being single and meeting different women. He may just want to have fun with no responsibility. Decide what you want.

You can still draw the boundary.

Be gentle with yourself.

PhoenixRisen posted 2/3/2014 20:15 PM

Dont beat youself up.
Dating after D is tough (esp for women). We don't want to be prudes but we don't want to be sluts either (ugh all these labels!!!)

I was recently starting a 1st rekationship since D (been D over a year now, so it wasn't like I was rushing)
I move slowly so after date #4 when I still wasn't ready for physical imtamacy and you know what? - he poofed!
So while I held onto my "boundary" I'm dealing with the exact same feelings of hurt (and rejection) as you.

I think we are damned if we do and damned if we don't.
So bottom line: do what makes YOU happy.

LineInTheSand posted 2/4/2014 16:13 PM

My goodness! I don't even know how to begin to thank all of you. I felt like crap when I first posted my ordeal. Today I'm feeling so much better.

"My" guy is still trying to contact me. He left a voice mail for me shortly after I wrote my post. He was singing to me. I kid you not! He's moving this Sunday so it really doesn't bother me. I'm sure he'll be looking for a pretty young thing in his new location.

Thanks again for your kind words, encouragement, and advice! You all deserve a trophy!!

JellyGirl84 posted 2/4/2014 21:52 PM

(No judgement, please...I know some ppl disagree with dating while still not divorced but I'm truly done with my WH and I'm too young and beautiful not to move on when I feel I should!)

I'm approx. 2 months out from DDay. I'm separated for nearly the same amount of time. I met someone on NYE and we have been seeing each other every weekend since then. My STBXWH was the only man I've ever slept with. I decided I was going to have fun and enjoy a romp with this new guy. So far, no regrets although I see how quickly that could change. I know I can very quickly get feelings for him but he lives 2 hours away and distance is good for getting over a lot. All I know is, I can watch this man walk naked from my bed to the bathroom every minute of the day.

If it ends badly, I have to just keep it moving and I know there is no reason to feel badly as long as I have been following my heart/gut/instincts throughout. I extend this message to you. Don't feel badly!

LineInTheSand posted 2/5/2014 13:39 PM

All I know is, I can watch this man walk naked from my bed to the bathroom every minute of the day.

[This message edited by LineInTheSand at 8:45 PM, March 23rd (Sunday)]

JellyGirl84 posted 2/5/2014 18:17 PM

I almost want to thank my STBXWH and his HO Worker for the opportunity to see that tight ass walking around my bedroom. Lol

homewrecked2011 posted 2/6/2014 08:22 AM

Best book I have ever read in my life is Why Men Love Bitches. The title is really just to hook you, but it really helps us to set up boundaries. I have laughed thru this book, and it has taught me how to keep my heart out of situations until I really know the guy -- and the book gives lots of quick ways to see what a guy is really up to.

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