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help with 180

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Midas posted 2/3/2014 15:37 PM

At work, my wife just texted me "Having a good day?", I want to answer, because communication is important, but she isn't clear from the fog and hasn't stopped communications with OM yet. 2x4s welcome.

nutmegkitty posted 2/3/2014 15:39 PM

Just don't answer it. She's trying to engage you.

(I know it's so hard not to answer. Post here instead!)

norabird posted 2/3/2014 15:40 PM

Good for you for coming here instead of writing back right away!

I am sending you super cricket powers. The only answer she should get will come from them.

No contact = no new hurts. If you write back, your hopes get up, you are pulled back in...and then she disappoints you and your pain is worse.


Midas posted 2/3/2014 15:48 PM

So when do I stop the 180? If she stops communicating with the OM, or wait until she commits to reconciliation? In a healthly relationship I would have answered as soon as I noticed the message.

[This message edited by Midas at 3:49 PM, February 3rd (Monday)]

jb3199 posted 2/3/2014 15:48 PM

Unless she is contacting you to say that she has gone NC with her affair partner, and wants to work on the marriage, then you have nothing to say to her.

Listen to the others here.

Midas posted 2/3/2014 16:13 PM

I know intimacy (sex and it's derivatives) are off the table during the 180, what about affection?

Midas posted 2/3/2014 18:15 PM

Home now, more stressed than at work. Set down with the ipad, saw luxury apartment rentals. She can't afford a luxury apartment on her pay alone. I didn't say anything, showed no reaction, she might not even have remembered that page was open.

It hurt.

Tickingtock posted 2/3/2014 18:21 PM

Good job Midas. Why don't you tell us about your day.


I know intimacy (sex and it's derivatives) are off the table during the 180, what about affection?

I think you know the answer to that.

[This message edited by Tickingtock at 6:22 PM, February 3rd (Monday)]

million tears posted 2/3/2014 19:25 PM

You are doing well by showing no reaction. Maybe she did it on purpose so you would see. Detaching yourself from her is the best thing to do.

I did the 180 on my WH and although I wasn't an expert, it did help me work on myself and it also brought him out of the fog.

jjct posted 2/3/2014 19:41 PM

You know she's double-dipping, so have affection for yourself.
Do you not deserve true affection?
It begins with you.

Turn all that energy on what she's doing/not doing into what you are doing - moving on/getting healthy,
and what you're not doing,
allowing cake-eaters into your boundaries, or otherwise engaging her on any level.
Super cricket powers indeed!

Make your 180 entirely about you. The 180 is a "turn".
Sending strength Merlin)))

norabird posted 2/3/2014 23:49 PM

^^^ This! There must be some hobby you miss or something you've always wanted to do/learn. Right now you probably just want to wallow but if you can force yourself to do something you've always wanted to do or have missed doing, you can start to see this in a whole new light. It is time to focus on you. And that is honestly a great thing. You deserve a full rewarding life and guess what--you can have it on your own. No one else can give it to you (certainly not her right now!) but you can take it. And maybe explore a little about seems to be part of your thought pattern.

Midas posted 2/4/2014 07:39 AM

I did start a shooting sport hobby this past year, but never really made time for it. Maybe it's time to hit the range. The rifle being missing would be quite obvious and alarming to her, or should I tell her so she isn't sick with worry about why the gun isn't where its suppose to be?

tushnurse posted 2/4/2014 08:18 AM

Midas - Stay strong friend.

180 is for you. Remember that.
If she is still in contact with the OM, then NO you cannot be intimate or even share affection.
When you implemented 180 did you explain that you were doing it?

I think some folks choose not to explain that, or don't. That can be very problematic, as the WS doesn't know what they should be working toward. So my point being is if she doesn't know that you are not communicating with her because she is still engaging in communicating with the OM, you need to outline it.

"I am not going to engage you, speak with you, or hang out with you, be intimate, or share my life with you until you end this, and show me that you choose me and our relationship. I am doing that because you have hurt me beyond measure, and I can't take being hurt any more. I am protecting myself from new pain and hurt by focusing on myself, and getting strong again. "

Then when she tries to talk ignore her.
If she wants a "Luxury apartment", make sure she does not have access to your funds. Let OM pay for that.

Again 180 is for you, but if you want to wake her up, cutting her off in all aspects is a good way to do it.

(((and strength)))

Midas posted 2/4/2014 09:20 AM

"When you implemented 180 did you explain that you were doing it?"

Yes, she is aware of this.

jjct posted 2/4/2014 09:34 AM

should I tell her so she isn't sick with worry

Again, focus on you.
Remove your thoughts about her state of being/feelings.
They are not your concern.
It's all about you, not her.

Brandon808 posted 2/4/2014 09:36 AM

Telling her you're doing the 180 was likely interpreted by her to mean you hoped to change her mind, because by informing her you made it about her and how she would react.

You have to let go of expectations here, which I know is really hard. The stress of wondering what is going to happen is going to make life impossible and you need to focus on yourself.

My apologies for being harsh but you need to let her go. She had an A years ago. She saw what it did to you, to the M. Now all this time later and after having a child together she does it again. Not only that but she's not remorseful or going NC. For your own sake both mentally and legally you need to proceed under the assumption the M is done.

You gave her the gift of R once before. This is how she treated it. I know you want to preserve the family for your daughter but it is also important to set an example of what should and should not be tolerated in an M. I grew up with parents who simply stayed together. It affects you even if you don't know the details because it seeps into every interaction, everything about the family.

Midas posted 2/4/2014 10:06 AM

I had a dream that my wife was a whore, literally a whore for money, woke at 2am and didn't get back to sleep until 4am (and even then only with 25mg of Benadryl (diphenhydramine) onboard)

Last night my wife was talking about how she just can't "remove the OM from my life just yet, how do you remove someone from your life?"

I wanted to say "Here, let me show you!" instead i went and watched some Being Human. (lots of triggers in last nights episode)

Midas posted 2/4/2014 10:13 AM

"Good job Midas. Why don't you tell us about your day."

I ate no breakfast, got up, got dressed, went to work. Logged onto this website. Talked with my lead discussing what my current task is. I had coffee for lunch. After "lunch" I went and picked my daughter up from school. She drew pictures, on paper and on my whiteboards, and she read her comic book and ate a snack. When the day was done we went home and made myself some leftover for dinner, which I didn't eat, got heartburn anyway. Watched some TV, got onto this site, read my daughter a book goodnight and then went to bed.

norabird posted 2/4/2014 11:54 AM

Please try to eat something. It's hard, I know. Maybe smoothies or soup. The appetite does disappear but you still need food. Just take it one day at a time. Maybe see a doctor if you haven't yet to get some sleep aids for now.

Midas posted 2/4/2014 15:11 PM

I had lunch today with a good friend of mine. He brought me soup and for the first time in days I had an appetite. He tells me that his wife is pregnant and they bought a house. Am I not allowed to share this information with my wife since I'm attempting a 180? I desperately want to share that news with her. :(

[This message edited by Midas at 3:12 PM, February 4th (Tuesday)]

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