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The Waiting Game

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boilerfan35 posted 2/3/2014 19:01 PM

My WH told me that he hasn't decided whether or not he wants to stay. He says he isn't with the OW anymore but not sure he "trusts" me that I have changed. Yes, you read that right. I am the one that needs to change. I'm starting to realize that it's not ME that needs to change it is him. But, that being said, we do have children still in the home and I do love him and want it to work out. And we have been through an emotionally charged/ exhausting week with losing his father just 2 days ago. So I suppose it's possible it is my grief and tiredness talking. But right now I am hurting and he does NOT want to deal with that. He is more concerned that he gets what he wants from our relationship than what he gives me. He does have remorse for what he did with the OW but not enough to strive to make me feel safe and secure. Those are my problems to deal with until he decides if he even wants me anymore.

Williesmom posted 2/3/2014 19:10 PM

((Boiler))

He's not the only one that gets to make a choice, you know.

I think he should be begging you to choose him. If he isn't, that really tells you something about his level of remorse and level of empathy.

FightingBack posted 2/3/2014 19:13 PM

((((Boilerfan))))

I'm sorry that you are waiting for your WH to make a decision.

That must be a terrible, terrible feeling.

How will you feel if he decides to stay? How will you feel about yourself that you waited for him to "choose you" and that he took his time about it?

How will you feel if he decides to leave? Again, taking his time weighing the pros and cons.

Stand up for yourself Boilerfan . Don't let him think that it is his right to decide what happens to you and your family. Tell him you are not interested in a husband who can't make up his mind. A husband who is not 100% committed to his family. Who needs that?

Tell him to man up and get off the fence. If it means that you lose him, what have you really lost?

You are young. You have many years ahead of you. You have a right to find happiness and a partner that loves and respects you.

If he can prove to you that he deserves another chance, then let him try, but on YOUR terms. Don't wait for him a day more.
Decide what you want and go and get it.

steadfast1973 posted 2/3/2014 19:33 PM

Out of curiosity, what changes does he think you need to make?

That doesn't sound like remorse. That sounds like him being a foggy, entitled, wayward child.

(((Boilerfan35))) if it's any consolation, my fWH said that to me after/during his EA. All of it was bunk.

If i had to guess, he is still talking to EAP. Still so foggy.

Jduff posted 2/3/2014 20:29 PM

He's not the only one that gets to make a choice, you know.

I second telling him this. I did the same with my WW before she moved out of the house into her new apartment. Then about a month later I told her I have a lawyer. The look on her face was priceless. It was fear and anger rolled into one, and the rebellious inner teenage girl came out. The tables definitely turned that day, and the power swung to my side!

Granted, when I told her about me hiring a lawyer I had already decided on divorce and my Dday was 7 months prior and we had already gone through several failed MC sessions. So, if you do something like this make sure you back it up and have the capacity to carry out the filing.

phoenixrise posted 2/3/2014 20:42 PM

Wow what hurtful thing to say to you I don't like it one bit...goes to show you how selfish he is and how much he is taking you for granted. You should tell him okay when you've made your decision I may not be here anymore...or even better make the decision for him...With his father passing it might be an extra difficult time to get out of that fog...it sucks that YOU are waiting on an answer after what HE has done to you...the balls! Sometimes they need to be hit over the head with a ton of bricks like telling him you are taking a trip to the courthouse to see the light...mine opened his eyes really fast. Sorry you have to go through this...hugs

Skan posted 2/4/2014 12:29 PM

Boilerfan, you know, it really is very simple. Black and white. Either he is all in, or he's all out. And anything other than him telling AND showing you that he will do anything to try to regain your trust and that you are THE only person for him, is him telling you that he's out.

Married men (or women) don't get to choose to take a break from their vows. They are either married, or on the road to becoming divorced. BTW, what he is showing you is in no way, shape, or form, remorse. He regrets that you caught him, but he is not showing remorse for what he has done to you.

Make his decision for him. You can do that, you know! You're fully capable of deciding that your are worth FAR more than the crumbs that he deigns to toss at you. Kick him off of that fence, see a lawyer, and find out what your rights are. Because you have two underage children right now. You don't need a WH that is acting like a third one as well. (((hugs)))

norabird posted 2/4/2014 12:38 PM

Given all this, do you really want him? turning the tables on that question will be very empowering for you. Follow Skan's advice, and shift your focus to what YOU need. Hint: it's someone who wouldn't put you in this situation.

sisoon posted 2/4/2014 13:12 PM

He doesn't sound remorseful to me. Remorse implies making amends to the person you hurt and changing one's self from cheater into good partner.

It doesn't matter whether you need to make changes or not - he broke his vows and promises. He cheated. He needs to make amends and attend to the changes he needs to make.

Have you considered the 180?

Melian40 posted 2/4/2014 13:48 PM

Check the 180 in healing library.

boilerfan35 posted 2/4/2014 18:19 PM

thanks everyone for the responses. I am rereading each one and trying to decide what to do. It is what I do believe I need to do (stand up for myself) but I'm also getting advice that it is not right for me to decide to leave (from my Christian counselor). So that's what is making this so hard for me. I don't want to do the wrong thing and I'm terrified to be alone after almost 30 yrs. Not that I don't think I CAN it's just that I am not sure I WANT to be alone. So I have a lot to think about. I have considered the 180 and may truly do that after the funeral on Thursday is over.
Thanks again for all the advice.

cantgetup posted 2/4/2014 20:33 PM

Any way you look at it, if he decides "you've changed enough" to his liking, that still does not get you what you want, need and deserve. You will be even more alone in that situation than any other you could imagine. And he will betray again and again.

boilerfan35 posted 2/14/2014 14:48 PM

Update: Last night at MC my WH announced he is 100% for fixing our marriage and staying together. Needless to say, I was happy to hear it. I realize it's just one very small step in our long road to recovery but so far I was the only one really making efforts to repair- he was just coasting along. I'm glad I made the choice (more than once!) to stay and be patient a while longer.
Now at least we both have the same goal in mind!

Bikingguy posted 2/14/2014 15:11 PM

bolerfan,

I am happy for you that he now says the words you want to hear. However (gental 2x4) words are NOT action. Hold him to those words. He should be willing to move mountains to help you heel. Now is when you give him your list of his "changes".

Skan posted 2/14/2014 20:15 PM

^^^^^ Words are useless, when they come without actions as well. Watch his actions because what he actually does vice what he says will be the truth.

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