What's new is that I got into this mood where I was feeling a lot of things very strongly. To the point where my normal every day life feels sort of two dimensional, gray, cardboard, numb (not as numb as a year ago, but still kind of numb). Then this faded and I'm left wishing I could feel more and feeling vaguely unsatisfied with everything and really just not having the heart to deal with stuff. But I am anyway.
What sucks is that I feel kind of attached to the sadness. I don't want it to go away. At least it goes with strong feelings.
Do you have support? Are you IC?
However.. that's just what I think. What I feel? I don't know. I feel things gradually improving.
I feel grateful that when my severe depression went away in 2005/2006, the severe depression that I had for years probably due to lots of emotional abuse in my childhood from my NPD/paranoid/screwed up father, that eventually was resolved through EMDR (with the same person I'm doing it with again now).. that it never came back like that. That was a nightmare.
But I suppose it shouldn't blind me to what I'm facing now.
Other things I'm doing to try to get better --
* Started cardio / weight lifting recently with a friend of mine who knows a lot about it.
* Started treatment for sleep apnea more than a year ago, but the past couple months it's not been working as well. However, I talked to the doctor about it recently and I'm getting another sleep study to recalibrate things since I lost a lot of weight last year (and it's possible the style of mask I'm using isn't working well for me any more). Hopefully I won't even need it when I lose more weight, but for now I'm trying to stay on top of it.
* Journaling. I write letters to myself in the future (futureme.org). Generally 1 year in the future. It helps me get stuff off my mind.
* Writing stuff here helps.
* I've pushed very hard to socialize more in the past few months and it's worked. I'm much less timid about situations with lots of strangers, and I've made some really cool friends in that period of time.
Sometimes it all just seems really sad though.
Sorry you are feeling so dull. It sucks, I know.
"Diamonds aren't a girl's best friend, freedom is."
I assume the sleep study will determine an optimum pressure and then the doctor could still work with me on the autoadjust part.
Also, I purchased a $90 data module recently so I can figure out when I'm taking off my mask. I'm also getting a lot better about teaching myself to remember doing it (this only became a problem recently). So I can do things like adjust humidity, etc.
But yeah, actual professional help with the mask and so on should be nice.
I just enjoy tinkering with stuff.
Maybe there is something else causing depression? Do you like your job? Is it too stressful? Are your finances causing stress? Find the stressor and work on that.
Also, do you have a hobby you enjoy? I used to ride dirtbikes in my youth. I really missed that. I bought a used bike for 2K and love, love, love riding it! Just a thought.
Hang in there bro.
There is hope. Once you truly commit to focusing on yourself and letting go, it comes back, and you will appreciate it like never before.
Job: there's some stress to it but I'm doing well at it and I think the only thing really causing stress is that I wish I had more energy and could do more of what I want to there. Finances are fine.
Hobbies: I'm still sort of looking for new ones. I read, I play piano, take photos.. not counting strength training or treadmill as a hobby, but if I could do a sport I'd count that. And I'm open to volunteering and always trying to spend more time with my daughter.
I do hear you on the stressful things, though, and I think it's possible I'm blind to certain things that I could at least temporarily scale back on or make less stressful in an attempt to figure out what works for me.
Long term, I won't rule many things out. Anything could change.