SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I've been feeling melancholy lately. That part isn't new. It happens.

What's new is that I got into this mood where I was feeling a lot of things very strongly. To the point where my normal every day life feels sort of two dimensional, gray, cardboard, numb (not as numb as a year ago, but still kind of numb). Then this faded and I'm left wishing I could feel more and feeling vaguely unsatisfied with everything and really just not having the heart to deal with stuff. But I am anyway.

What sucks is that I feel kind of attached to the sadness. I don't want it to go away. At least it goes with strong feelings.

Also, I realize this is a little over the top, but I'm just sorta venting. I'll be okay. I'm no stranger to weird emotional states.

It is called depression. Sadness you get over. Depression you treat. No shame or blame it happens to the strongest of us all!

Do you have support? Are you IC?

I'm doing IC, yeah. Plus supplemental EMDR. Plus I'm on antidepressants and I have a psychiatrist who spends 20-30 minutes with me every time I do a med check. I think I'm reasonably okay most of the time and I'm slowly getting better.

However.. that's just what I think. What I feel? I don't know. I feel things gradually improving.

I feel grateful that when my severe depression went away in 2005/2006, the severe depression that I had for years probably due to lots of emotional abuse in my childhood from my NPD/paranoid/screwed up father, that eventually was resolved through EMDR (with the same person I'm doing it with again now).. that it never came back like that. That was a nightmare.

But I suppose it shouldn't blind me to what I'm facing now.

Other things I'm doing to try to get better --

* Started cardio / weight lifting recently with a friend of mine who knows a lot about it.

* Started treatment for sleep apnea more than a year ago, but the past couple months it's not been working as well. However, I talked to the doctor about it recently and I'm getting another sleep study to recalibrate things since I lost a lot of weight last year (and it's possible the style of mask I'm using isn't working well for me any more). Hopefully I won't even need it when I lose more weight, but for now I'm trying to stay on top of it.

* Journaling. I write letters to myself in the future (futureme.org). Generally 1 year in the future. It helps me get stuff off my mind.

* Writing stuff here helps.

* I've pushed very hard to socialize more in the past few months and it's worked. I'm much less timid about situations with lots of strangers, and I've made some really cool friends in that period of time.

Sometimes it all just seems really sad though.

(It is hard for me to admit to myself that I have depression, even the low grade stuff, but I suppose that's accurate. At least it means things can be much better, right?)

PIC, you may need a med tweak. I was feeling the same numb and dull as you describe and I talked to my psych about it and she tweaked one of my meds and now I can "feel" things again. Just a thought.

Sorry you are feeling so dull. It sucks, I know.

I'll mention it.

Also if you don't mind some advice from another apnea sufferer. Ask your doctor about an APAP machine. I had a CPAP (Automatic/Constant are the differences A/C) for years. It kept things at a constant pressure and when I lost weight the Apnea lessened. So when I went in for a new mask (dogs ate the old one) the doctor wanted me test out the APAP machine. Basically it monitors how you breathe and if you start to breathe less or slow down it will increase pressure to get you back to normal. It made a huge difference in how I sleep.

Hmm. My machine is "intellipap autoadjust" so I assume that means it's capable of doing APAP? I'll ask.

I assume the sleep study will determine an optimum pressure and then the doctor could still work with me on the autoadjust part.

Also, I purchased a $90 data module recently so I can figure out when I'm taking off my mask. I'm also getting a lot better about teaching myself to remember doing it (this only became a problem recently). So I can do things like adjust humidity, etc.

But yeah, actual professional help with the mask and so on should be nice.

Also, as an amusing aside, I know how to get into the locked down "clinical mode," but I don't abuse it (lets you set pressure, pressure range, what have you). I stick to the doctor's prescription.

I just enjoy tinkering with stuff.

Probable, depression sucks. Sounds like you are doing the right things, but maybe a med adjust will help.

Maybe there is something else causing depression? Do you like your job? Is it too stressful? Are your finances causing stress? Find the stressor and work on that.

Also, do you have a hobby you enjoy? I used to ride dirtbikes in my youth. I really missed that. I bought a used bike for 2K and love, love, love riding it! Just a thought.

Hang in there bro.

LoveHerStill, good idea.

Job: there's some stress to it but I'm doing well at it and I think the only thing really causing stress is that I wish I had more energy and could do more of what I want to there. Finances are fine.

Hobbies: I'm still sort of looking for new ones. I read, I play piano, take photos.. not counting strength training or treadmill as a hobby, but if I could do a sport I'd count that. And I'm open to volunteering and always trying to spend more time with my daughter.

I do hear you on the stressful things, though, and I think it's possible I'm blind to certain things that I could at least temporarily scale back on or make less stressful in an attempt to figure out what works for me.

Long term, I won't rule many things out. Anything could change.