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Seeing the light. And the sadness is like a brick wall.

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wheredoigo posted 2/3/2014 23:48 PM

Newbie here...

For a year I've been so scared to join. My BS gave me this link almost a month after our DD. I wish I would of at least read through this forum earlier. I was so worried about having my arse handed to me (which I SO deserved) not to mention in the beginning I was incredibly stubborn, selfish and ridiculous.

We've just passed the year mark on our DDay and I've spent the last 10 months learning the various stages of what heals my BS. I'm still learning more everyday and looking forward to learning how to R our marriage. Today I spent nearly an hour writing this just so I can use the appropriate abbreviation, my apologies if I've missed a few!)

A little over a year ago, my thoughts were that my husband didn't love me, I had tried every thing in the book to get him to show me love and notice me. After giving up my entire career to be a mom, harassed by his ex-mother-in-law and her entire family who ended up causing extensive pain to my young daughters (as well as myself), convincing me to move across country away from all of our supporting family, then leaving me to be the only part of our marriage while he had emotionally checked out several years before as part of his personality defense is a "flight-not-fight" method. I was lonely, scared, and afraid. All of these feelings were okay then. I was a wife, I stood by man, I never even thought of being "one of those."

What I didn't realize was that I lost all rights to complain when I became a selfish coward.

Eight years into our marriage, I sought the advice of an industry "friend" about filing for a divorce when I felt that I couldn't talk to any close friends because I was scared to go through a divorce alone without ten years of a true active resume. In 6 months it developed into an EA and then later a PA on a weekend work conference.

Looking back, I don't know what the HELL (Can I say that?) I was thinking. One year later, I now understand why my husband freaked out and almost had a heart attack (no-really) when he found out what I had done. I get anxiety when I realize how crazy I was to think that would solve any thing with our marriage, must less be healthy for me!

When it finally all sank in, I told my husband I realized that his staying in our relationship was about the same as Robin Williams rescuing his wife from hell in the movie "What Dreams May Come." We sat and sobbed together…it made me sob harder to think he had to cry again because I had finally "got" it.

I'm not sure what "step" you'd consider where we are at now?

I can tell you several things:

#1. My husband truly does love me more than anyone on this planet. He's stronger than anyone I know. He is my hero.

#2. No matter how lonely you feel, if you are even considering or currently talking to someone outside your marriage, coming clean is the best way to start putting your marriage/relationship back on track.

#3. There are some days along the way where you feel like you are being punished for staying, but what you are feeling is nothing in comparison to your BS (this, unfortunately for him, took time for me to feel)

#4. At some point I'm going to have to forgive myself, but that will be a while, I need his forgiveness and trust first.

#5. Here to ask for suggestions of how to deal with:

---sadness of the realization that (I) threw it out all the window all while continuing to show support to this man who loves me dearly, but is still fighting with the damage/anger I have caused.
---- I am still human and get frustrated at other day-to-day things in our marriage, interested to see what can help with how to balance conversation so that it doesn't become a trigger for him…

We have a looooong way to still go….always open for new suggestions on how to support my BS and help us become stronger day by day.

Jrazz posted 2/4/2014 00:11 AM

Welcome to SI, wheredoigo.

I'm glad you've been reading here, and I'm glad you decided to post. Maybe we can help you help your BS if you can tell us a little more about where he is in the process and what you think he needs.

grains posted 2/4/2014 00:30 AM

I'm sorry that you have found yourself in this situation and that you, your BS and your family are suffering. I don't have any advise except to offer support for your struggle to reconcile and to put things back into balance. Be strong and clear of mind and heart. Most of all, be free.

wheredoigo posted 2/4/2014 00:56 AM

Jrazz- He's not very good at expressing that? He was really happy tonight when I told him I finally became a member. Truth be known, I didn't really do it to make him happy, truth be known from him, I don't think he wanted me to do it to make him happy either…

Does that make sense?

What I can tell you, though, he told me he is sad a lot lately but Ihe said he is unsure why… He drank a bit too much watching the game last night (not really like him) then didn't want to get out of bed today. So this morning I thought it would help to surprise him with breakfast in the car and then take him on a drive through the countryside where we could chat, take in the scenery and just drive… he does better when I take him out of his habitual sad tendencies of staying in bed or staying glued to the computer.

We are also looking into joining a gym together so that we can workout together as a team, grow in a healthy way physically (the last year has called for a lot of dinners out to discuss things away from the kiddos)….

grains posted 2/6/2014 22:39 PM

One thing that helps is to always remember that as waywards we chose the infidelity. It did not just happen. I found that daily acknowledgement of this helps in reconciliation and recovery. You have acknowledged this in your post. Be aware of it all the time.This is an important step. Please remember it during the difficult times ahead. Hang in there.

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