Insecurity. Raaaah!!! I was cheated on and treated horribly for years by a man that was manipulative, controlling and in the end, a filthy criminal. Now I have a gorgeous man whom I love with all my heart and because of what I have been through, I am terrified I am going to lose him! I over analyse and I frighten myself with crap that simply isn't happening. My ex couldn't talk to another woman without trying to sleep with her. Is my current partner the same? No. Does my horrible mind try to convince me he could be? At times, yes! I feel like my mind is whispering to me "don't be an idiot" when I can honestly say I trust him- it's like I don't trust myself to know how to trust in the right circumstances!
These are the things that make me over analyse.
Snapchat. My partner has an account. I have an account. My partner is a forces man that sometimes works nights. He sends pictures to other people- other women. Not necessarily an issue- I snapchat other people, and I have friends of the opposite sex too- but the thing that my mind yells at me to freak out over is the fact that he messages one more than others and due to the nature of snapchat, you can't see what was sent! If this were my ex you can guarantee 100% that it would have been a cheating thing, There's almost zero chance this guy is doing that but my mind remembers before and keeps telling me to pick up patterns, look for threads and pull them- the only thing this is doing is making my partner less happy because he thinks I can't trust him. The crazy bit is that it's not him I don't trust, I'm having a little trouble trusting my genuine instinct that he wouldn't hurt me and instead keep listening to this paranoia because it screams so loudly!!!
2) His female friends. Now, I do not have a problem with friends of the opposite sex. But I keep forgetting that he doesn't owe me transparency- he has never wronged me so I do not need to know who messaged him and what they said! It's like I got so used to awful behaviour that I'm on autopilot with it. Sometimes I have asked him before I even realise I have asked and bless him, he tells me but I can tell he's tired of me being "suspicious" even though I'm not. He doesn't do anything for me to be suspicious of!
3) his ex's. He was a typical product of this generation in his younger days, and he racked up quite a number of sexual partners. Some of these were ONS, some were a week or two of flings and a few were relationships. Some from each category are on his FB- only the ones he remains friendly with, obviously. And if they interact on FB, they interact like anyone else! Casual, no hidden agenda or hidden meanings. I am not jealous of his past, I am not disturbed by it. But still, my stupid mind yells at me not to trust so blindly, could there be hidden meanings, could she be trying to steal him?? Yeah- probably not!
But why can I not switch off that horrible little voice that tells me horrible little things and makes me out to be jealous when actually I am just frightened. But my guy does not deserve to inherit all the restrictions that my ex brought onto himself. He does not deserve the same suspicion and disbelief that the ex did. He deserves the best of me- why won't my brain let me relax??