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Sorceress posted 2/4/2014 01:38 AM

Insecurity. Raaaah!!! I was cheated on and treated horribly for years by a man that was manipulative, controlling and in the end, a filthy criminal. Now I have a gorgeous man whom I love with all my heart and because of what I have been through, I am terrified I am going to lose him! I over analyse and I frighten myself with crap that simply isn't happening. My ex couldn't talk to another woman without trying to sleep with her. Is my current partner the same? No. Does my horrible mind try to convince me he could be? At times, yes! I feel like my mind is whispering to me "don't be an idiot" when I can honestly say I trust him- it's like I don't trust myself to know how to trust in the right circumstances!

These are the things that make me over analyse.

Snapchat. My partner has an account. I have an account. My partner is a forces man that sometimes works nights. He sends pictures to other people- other women. Not necessarily an issue- I snapchat other people, and I have friends of the opposite sex too- but the thing that my mind yells at me to freak out over is the fact that he messages one more than others and due to the nature of snapchat, you can't see what was sent! If this were my ex you can guarantee 100% that it would have been a cheating thing, There's almost zero chance this guy is doing that but my mind remembers before and keeps telling me to pick up patterns, look for threads and pull them- the only thing this is doing is making my partner less happy because he thinks I can't trust him. The crazy bit is that it's not him I don't trust, I'm having a little trouble trusting my genuine instinct that he wouldn't hurt me and instead keep listening to this paranoia because it screams so loudly!!!

2) His female friends. Now, I do not have a problem with friends of the opposite sex. But I keep forgetting that he doesn't owe me transparency- he has never wronged me so I do not need to know who messaged him and what they said! It's like I got so used to awful behaviour that I'm on autopilot with it. Sometimes I have asked him before I even realise I have asked and bless him, he tells me but I can tell he's tired of me being "suspicious" even though I'm not. He doesn't do anything for me to be suspicious of!

3) his ex's. He was a typical product of this generation in his younger days, and he racked up quite a number of sexual partners. Some of these were ONS, some were a week or two of flings and a few were relationships. Some from each category are on his FB- only the ones he remains friendly with, obviously. And if they interact on FB, they interact like anyone else! Casual, no hidden agenda or hidden meanings. I am not jealous of his past, I am not disturbed by it. But still, my stupid mind yells at me not to trust so blindly, could there be hidden meanings, could she be trying to steal him?? Yeah- probably not!

But why can I not switch off that horrible little voice that tells me horrible little things and makes me out to be jealous when actually I am just frightened. But my guy does not deserve to inherit all the restrictions that my ex brought onto himself. He does not deserve the same suspicion and disbelief that the ex did. He deserves the best of me- why won't my brain let me relax??

cantaccept posted 2/4/2014 04:31 AM

I am much too early into this to have any experience but I think I can imagine how it must feel.

I wonder how I would react if I ever met someone that I cared about. It feels terrifying to me. How can you ever trust?

I picture myself saying, "my requirements for a relationship are transparency, all passwords, oh yes and weekly reading together, how about "Not Just Friends", I also need a background check, a psychological profile, references, drug testing, and maybe we should start in MC right now".

I get the not trusting yourself to see what is real.

I wish I didn't understand.

Can you talk to him about your fears? Does he understand?

No answers here, I wish I could give you some. More fallout from betrayal. It changes you in so many ways.

I do read of people her who have gone on and had wonderful relationships. I guess it is possible but it does seem almost inconceivable to me now.

LearningToRun posted 2/4/2014 05:59 AM

It's really hard not to paint the new partner with the same brush. I know I battle triggers if he does something, like not text much on a Saturday, that used to be one of my ex's cheating tells.
You are right, it's a roaring beast.

But I realized it can't be satisfied by the actions of another person. There are not enough actions that they can do to suddenly give you security. You ask one thing, the new person complies, the beast finds something else until finally, you've just chased off an innocent person with your crazy.

I googled "becoming secure in new relationship" and found some really helpful articles that sounded just like me. It helped to know I wasn't alone and is was a problem only I could solve.

When the beast arrises, I journal. I search for the base fear. I look for the trigger. Once I dissect and understand where it's coming from, I can usually relax and calm myself. Its becoming secure and aware and recognizing " hey, if this ends, I'm ok"

My new guy goes out all the time when I'm on mom duty. He has female friends everywhere. He has never once given me cause to doubt him. The desire to keep him under glass is strong, but I have to give him his freedom. So much better to be with me by choice.

At least you recognize it, and that's a huge step. Once you recognize it, you can fix it. ((((Hugs)))

Sorceress posted 2/4/2014 06:50 AM

Thanks guys.

I think I've got some kind of handle on it all because I'm not interested in contacting any of the people that my mind tells me to be cautious of and telling them he's mine. I know he's mine. I know he's with me. I know he isn't with anyone else. I know he's worth trusting. I love this man and I want to stay with him. It would break my heart to lose him, and I would do whatever it took to keep him, except at the expense of my children or my own happiness.

He's a very different kettle of fish to my ex. Where my ex was sometimes over the top affectionate and other times colder than ice, (classic A behaviour) this guy is very rarely over affectionate. He's not a big kisser and is quite conservative but he makes sure I know I love him in other ways. For people who know about the five love languages, his are acts of service and quality time whereas mine are words of affirmation and physical touch- so I now look at the time he spends with me and the things he does for me as this is his way of displaying love. Don't get me wrong, he does kiss me but not all the time. He hugs me and touches me and we have an active sex life- he's just different to anyone I have been with before. I love him for all his differences and all of who he is. He's my match, I feel, and it would crush me to lose him, especially if it was because of me and my irrational fears!