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Cardamom posted 2/4/2014 01:44 AM

I assumed I had a happy married life and was extremely happy to have got a new job in the Middle East In March 2013. My family joined me 3 months after I had shifted locations. 28th Dec 2013 was when I chanced upon an email addressed to my WS on my Tablet from a stranger with usage of abusive language in it. I casually asked my WS who this person was and she replied that it was a friend of a common relative who had sent her a friend request on facebook..She wouldn't elaborate further. That evening back at the hospital where I worked I started reviewing her emails since I had her password. I discovered emails from other males as well. One look at her G'talk conversations confirmed my worst nightmare. My WS had been having an emotional affair with this person, in fact she seemed to be falling at his feet for attention and she had also discussed our lovemaking and which positions gave her the most pleasure. She repeatedly professed her love for him with kisses and " I love you" a number of times. They discussed how best she looked when she dressed and he asked her for photographs kept praising her looks and her assets. The next day I took her phone with me to hospital on the excuse of transferring some photos. I scanned through her photos emails, Viber and Whatsup chat applications. She had deleted most conversations but when I thoroughly scanned through other files on her android phone(an expensive gift from me) it revealed more murky details and affairs with 4-5 more individuals. The worst was an exchange of her **** picture and pictures of these other individuals on her phone. There were audio clips also- all of which she presumed were deleted but were still lurking in other regions of the phone. When I confronted her with this information she initially said this was just friendly talk with friends acquired via facebook. Then I enquired on the photos and the conversations. She did not want to look at any of them and confessed that she did not realize how she ever got into conversations with these individuals. She also says she wasn't thinking at all when she had shared the photos and when she had chatted discussing our intimate details. She had also mentioned to one of them that I was not there to listen to her conversations. I got her parents involved and they confessed that they had suspected she may have been having an affair as she was on the phone for lengthy periods when they had tried calling her and called my phone as well to confirm she wasn't on a conversation with me. When she got to know I had involved her parents, she initially went berserk and tried to smash her head on the floor saying she wanted to die. She sustained a fracture on the outer aspect of her frontal bone- Managed conservatively (I am a doctor). She then broke down and gave me bits and pieces of what had transpired over the past year or so. She did not voluntarily give me any of the information and I had to coax it slowly out of her with the available information I had gathered. She destroyed her expensive smartphone by dunking it in water saying that the phone was the reason why she had got into conversations with these men. In the process any other evidence I may have got as I did not have time to fully scan through the phone was destroyed forever. I confronted each of these individuals over phone as they were all in India and blasted each of them for destroying my family. Some of them admitted it was their mistake, some said they had received positive responses from my WS and that was why they had continued. There were chats which mentioned they considered her as their wife. All this crushed me and initially I also felt like ending my life. Thinking of my children and since I still loved my WS( I still view her as a stranger- split personality, when I think of the manner of how she had chatted with each of those strangers)Its been a month now and she is remorseful and extremely sad at what has happened. I feel like hugging her and being with her most of the time and there has been HB I guess after going through your site coz of our lovemaking becoming almost thrice a day for the whole of last month. I do not have a counselor to approach here in the Middle east. The pain is easing a bit but I am angry at each of those individuals and also the manner my WS initially lied when I confronted her with the initial information I had. I speak to her on this issue almost everyday even though I want to stop rewinding it. She gets hurt each time I ask her for details. She now says she loves me more than when we were married and misses me like a lover each time I go to work. And she keeps repeating that I should continue to love her the way I do currently and should not stop openly showing my affection for her( constant hugs, kisses, tears and love making)-I am not sure how long this can be sustained and whether she will revert to her previous behavior( she has said she does not want a phone again and says without that, she will never ever indulge in this sort of behavior )

MrsDoubtfire posted 2/4/2014 06:21 AM

Unless she confronts her behaviours then, yes, she could very well revert back to those patterns of behaviours.

If she is truly remorseful she will give you all the information you ask for- passwords, conversations, a timeline on who these guys are and how she found them!

Do not make the mistake of rugsweeping and do not make the mistake of allowing her to dictate how your R and M goes from now on.

She needs to be willing to walk over hot coals for you to make you feel safe in thsi relationship again!

Get counselling as it will help tremendously. Your WW needs IC too.

Read books on the subject:No- get your wife to read them first!
After the Affair is a good one (I'm sorry I can't recall the author) as is Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass.

And remember this one fact:

Your wife is broken in some way and did this to herself.

There is nothing that you either did or didn't do that caused her to do this. If she ever says "I did it because you did..... you didn't....." then brush it off as she is just excusing her behaviours.

By not facing up to what she has done she is actually making it harder for you to R.

Stay strong and keep posting.

You will get through this- trust me... I thought it would kill me but here I am.. stronger, better and happier than ever.

And yes- still M to my FWH!

MrsDoubtfire posted 2/4/2014 06:28 AM

She now says she loves me more than when we were married and misses me like a lover each time I go to work. And she keeps repeating that I should continue to love her the way I do currently and should not stop openly showing my affection for her( constant hugs, kisses, tears and love making)-I am not sure how long this can be sustained and whether she will revert to her previous behavior( she has said she does not want a phone again and says without that, she will never ever indulge in this sort of behavior )

And from here on in- her words mean jack! Watch her actions towards you.

Words are cheap and liars lie!

She should be showing you how much she loves you. She should be showing you how remorseful she is. She should be showering YOU with love and affection and not the other way around!

This is almost like she is still in the driving seat- "Cardamom- show me how much you love me and don't you stop...... otherwise ....I might just do this again!"

The initial reaction is to be the perfect spouse so the WS won't leave you again in any way... but nce you realise that the problem was not you and never will be you then you are freed to be the authentic H you need to be.

If that means you cry a lot she needs to be there for you.

If you shout a lot- she needs to take that (although abuse and physical anger are not accpetable).

If you pull away - she needs to find ways to engage you again!

Do you understand?

She needs to be the one driving the R and you need to watch her actions.

I hope this makes sense.

MovingUpward posted 2/4/2014 08:34 AM

Welcome to SI

I will have to agree with Mrs. Doubtfire that it appears that your WS has positioned herself to be in the drivers seat. My WW had done that too. You might find that you are doing all the work for her problem. Think through what you need from her and let her know. Definitely give her actions more weight than her words at this time. Have her prove herself to you.

annb posted 2/4/2014 08:36 AM

Hi, Cardamom, welcome to SI. I am so sorry you are a member of this club no one wants to join, but you will find support from those of us who have walked in your shoes.

I agree with Mrs. Doubtfire, unless your wife finds out why she was engaging in this destructive behavior, she is likely to repeat it. She was enjoying the attention and validation. Nothing has changed to help her understand what needs to be fixed on the inside.

Her words are meaningless, keep an eye on her actions.

doggiediva posted 2/4/2014 09:35 AM

There may come a point in time on this emotional roller coaster when you are gonna feel like you need some space..For your wife that may mean that there will be those times that may last for days,even months when you WON'T feel like giving her public or private displays of affection, lovemaking, etc..

As another poster mentioned, your WW doesn't get to dictate R..She doesn't get to tell you how she wants you to behave in order to keep the marriage intact..Unless or until she understands this, R will be difficult if not impossible to do without feelings of resentment on your part..

In my case I have strong feelings of resentment over the fact that my WH seems to care more about his needs being met than mine..

Our marriage was a long one, decades..It was a difficult marriage of walking on eggshells..

My H's A behavior and lack of remorse are deal breakers for me and I don't consider our marriage worth saving..

Continuing our life together with my H getting all the benefits of marriage is not worth it to me...The quality of my day to day life with my WH hasn't been/isn't worth me rug sweeping his behavior or staying M and looking the other way..

So while you are making decisions about whether or not R is on the table, you will have to consider how much resentment you are willing to live with and whether this is made worse by staying in the M.. A lot of this will depend on whether your WW is truthful in her words and deeds..

Sending strength to you...

[This message edited by doggiediva at 9:43 AM, February 4th (Tuesday)]

Cardamom posted 2/6/2014 09:28 AM

Thank you everybody for your advice. I will be cautious and will continue to monitor her over the next few days. I just cannot think of how the kids will cope with this if things don't work out..I have made myself a little aloof since yesterday to see how she responds when I openly do not express my feelings. I still love her and want to get this behind us.

norabird posted 2/6/2014 09:54 AM

I absolutely understand that the love is still there. But you can't just put this behind you--it must be dealt with. You can rebuild, but you have to figure out why this happened if you want to avoid being here again.