SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello everyone.

It was definitely time for me to move from JFO to D/S.

Part 1 is here: http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=492569

Welcome to the world of my CSTBXWW

[This message edited by allatsea at 3:15 AM, February 4th (Tuesday)]

Welcome aas.

You are among friends here.

Consequences are starting to be felt!!!

I have just received a very short letter from her solicitor accepting the revised valuation of the house. This, despite me receiving numerous abusive texts, emails and letters but now she has finally had to concede.

Another result

Small victories. She will be smarting from that

[This message edited by allatsea at 7:59 AM, February 4th (Tuesday)]

Excellent news! And welcome to D/S, aas.

Welcome, AAS--your next step in your long painful journey. Next stop, New Beginnings!

Good news on CSTBXWW's concession. Small victories indeed.

Hello, AAS! I have been following your thread since the beginning, and yours is the reason I check SI in the morning. Looking forward to updates. Glad the meeting with the boys went well :)

I wondered what you would do when your thread filled up aas, and you did exactly what I knew you would. You moved on. So I'm agreeing with Abbondad;

Next stop, New Beginnings!

..but in the meantime..seeing this was sweet:

I have just received a very short letter from her solicitor accepting the revised valuation of the house. This, despite me receiving numerous abusive texts, emails and letters but now she has finally had to concede.

Another result

Small victories. She will be smarting from that

I bet she will.

Welcome

Consequences are starting to be felt!!!

I have just received a very short letter from her solicitor accepting the revised valuation of the house. This, despite me receiving numerous abusive texts, emails and letters but now she has finally had to concede.

Another result

Small victories. She will be smarting from that

Glad to hear consequences are starting to be felt.

So I did the link to catch up on your story- I have a hard time in the jfo forum! Too many sad stories and still dealing with my own! One day I hope that I can offer support to those folks! - anyway ....finally just scanned to the end but will catch up when it's not close to midnight and I have to work next day!!!!!

Welcome to d/s forum.

Hello brother and I am sorry but welcome to our house. Please relax and put your feet up on our comfortable backs. The ride will hopefully be short

Welcome!

Welcome.

AAS,

Last Friday, I read though your entire thread and it was worth it.

Your level-headedness in the storm of insanity you are in is impressive. It does, in both general terms and a shocking number of specifics, tell not only my story but the stories of many here.

I am further down the road than you. But your ability to stay on the high road and on the analytical side of things will help with the legal end of what you are going through. As for your heart and soul, make sure to attend to them too.

The legal system is savage. It attempts a 'one size fits all' approach to uniquely serious and painful situations. It did not work well for me. The long-term consequences for the legal end of my divorce will be with me for a long time (permanent alimony and an 'equitable distribution' of marital assets that accountants and financial planners tell me was 70/30.

You are smart, spiritually strong and vigilant. You will need all of these for you legal journey alone.

As for the mental, emotional, 'spiritual' end of things, it's good that you come here and that so many support your efforts. But divorce is a soul destroying thing. Stay strong, maybe get professional counseling and keep remembering your standards, expectations and values.

Thanks for having the courage to tell your story here. It has helped many people. Keep up both your efforts and your conversation here.

Thank you Merlin, I am blushing from all your kind words.

I'm so deep into the haze of craziness that the CSTBXWW creates that I don't have time to stop and take stock of my behaviour and reactions. I simply react to the shit she deals me. I'm glad that my knee jerk reactions are seen by all to be the path of dignity and high ground. The voices in my head sometimes tell me to get nasty but then then my conscience gets the better of me.

The thread has been a lifeline, a moral compass and a place to vent. If I am able to provide guidance for others then this pleases me considerably.

Thanks

Welcome, AAS! You have waited a long time and been so strong, and now you are seeing some victories. Your boys are so blessed to have such a loving and protective dad! Your CSTBXWW has got to be one of the most miserable people on the face of the earth. She deserves every single consequence that comes her way for what she has done and continues to do to you and your boys.

Stay strong, the finish line is in sight!!

"I don't have time to stop and take stock of my behaviour and reactions. I simply react to the shit she deals me."

Therein is the danger. We have little choice in this when defective personalities assault us 24/7.

But there will come a time when this reduces or ends.

I was a combat soldier for six years, thankfully long ago and far away now. The most dangerous time during a firefight comes when the 'action' has died down and you think the battle is passed. You let down a little, breathe in relief. And you watch your men die or get wounded in alarming numbers in that lull.

Both situationally (the divorce) and emotionally - the letdown as the divorce actually arrives have unforeseen and unexpected events and effects. You need not be paranoid about all this. But don't be ignorant of it either.

My confidence was short lived. My anxiety and depression has returned, appetite is suppressed and sleep is sporadic. Vodka has made a comeback.

I received the report from child services (CAFCASS) and it wasn't wholly supportive. Despite very positive words from the mouth of the CAFCASS woman the report is very lop-sided and omits significant contribution from my side.

There are glaring holes in the report and there are obvious signs that the boys have been coached and manipulated. Despite the fact that smacking is allowed in this country the author is clearly anti-smacking and the boys obviously say they don't like it.

Signs of coaching:

1) DS8 brought a note to the interview outlining what he wants. (what 8 year old would do that?)

2) DS 8 has said that he doesn't want to see me on Sunday evenings because this would reduce the amount of time he spends with the new baby

3) DS8 says seeing me on Wednesday's is 'rushed'. His afterschool club finishes at 4pm and yet it is rushed to get them to my house by 5:30 when I live 5 minutes away.

4) Both boys can vividly remember the swimming pool incident 8 months ago but cannot remember all of the things I do with them every weekend. Apparently we don't have sleepovers, go to the park, cinema, bike rides, go karts, trips to the woods, treasure hunts etc.

5) DS prefers to do homework on Sunday evenings and not Saturday morning when I ask them to do it. (I can't do their homework on Sunday evening becuase they are handed over at 4pm)

6) The boys say that I don't fill their water bottles up to the top.

The report makes no reference to the behaviour of the mother and doesn't take issue with obvious signs of coaching.

CAFCASS reports that the home visit was good and she expressed no concern. The boys were happy and content. This was in marked contrast to their interviews. She hasn't commented on why the interview and the home visit were so different.

My solicitor says that CAFCASS is pro-mum and they want an easy life. The report was compiled by a woman in her mid 40's and the culture is 'play safe' and 'don't stick your neck out'. If the mother is considered safe, best keep them with her. Mum knows best. The report provides the conclusion that I should continue to see the children as per the current arrangements (the arrangement that CSTBXWW forced and dictated a year ago)

The solicitor is going to argue all of the points and hopefully the judge will see that the report does not provide an equal representation but even if this is successful, the saga continues and will not be resolved anytime soon.

This has been a real setback for me. My anxiety has returned quite severely and I'm close to quitting. CSTBXWW has taken everything from me. She must be feeling so smug. She will feel very satisfied that her utopian future with Gru is on track. She has found herself a new husband who earns the same money, she has found the children a new daddy, and I have to put my hands in my pockets and pay for it. She has destroyed me.

[This message edited by allatsea at 3:53 AM, February 10th (Monday)]

she has not destroyed you.

do not despair my friend. You need to take the long view. Is it fair? No. Life is not fair.

but you still get to see your sons. If this is what happens, then avoid confrontation with her. Enjoy your sons when you have them. Give her no reason to hurt you. Let her think she has won. And pity Gru because he now has her in his life.

Time travels so quickly. Soon, your sons will be 18 and older. If you spend your time wisely with them, they will love you. They will not believe the things your wife may say. They will make up their own minds.

When this time comes, you can tell them the truth. But not before.

I have a friend who was granted equal custody with his cheating wife. Unfortunately, she was a control freak and couldn't tolerate equal custody so she moved, repeatedly. he realized that if he ever moved into the same city as her, she would move again. So he settled for being a state away. He saw his children only on summer vacations. He even visited on the holidays so he could see his children despite the fact that he had to see his cheating wife and her now husband.

He did what he had to in order to see his children. Now they are grown. They live near him. And he is free of his cheating, narcissistic spouse.

The key is for you to live well. Things will work out in time. So take care of yourself so that you can enjoy your boys when you see them and so that they will learn to love and admire their father.

Mike7,

Thank you so much for your post. I am in a pit of despair. On another thread started by 'Strangeasfiction' he remarks how it would be so difficult to have the children raised by the OM and only see them 50% of the time.

His fears are actually my reality. It rips my heart out that my ex has not only replaced me with a new husband but also replaced me as a father. I know I'll always be their dad but they have had another man thrust upon them who will be a major part of their lives. They will love him and seek him for paternal love in my absence. It makes me feel sick.

I know that one day the boys will be old enough to make their own minds up and in reality that is only 4 or 5 years away but in the meantime she is alienating me from the children and minimising contact to the point that my relationship is insignificant in comparison to hers and Gru's.

My children were keeping me motivated. They are my legacy and something I could be proud of. Now I have to share my pride with that of another man. I will no longer be able to say that the children are fine upstanding citizens because I raised them to be. I get to share that honour with a thief and aggressive piece of shit.

No wonder so many men walk away from their family altogether. The pain and anguish she's putting me through is gruelling. Imagine how difficult this would have been if I was the cheater?