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if parents and family would be disappointed by R

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griefandrelief posted 2/4/2014 07:39 AM

I am working to understand why WH had a 2 year long affair and left our home for OW. In this space of time since, my parents and sister have expressed their dislike for my WH and that they are happy he is out of our lives. But, I have been doing a lot of thinking and reading and generally trying to understand what went wrong and I find myself wanting to R.

The problem is that my family would be disappointed with me if I did. I know that I am an adult and that ulitmately they will love me no matter what but I don't want to disappoint anyone in this scenario.

My DD17 wants nothing to do with WH and is very angry about the A and the lying that happened to keep it going. She says she can't trust or love someone she doesn't know and since he had been lying for 2 years, she doesn't know him. DD15 wants him back in our lives and misses him. Like with my parents, I don't want to upset or disappoint either DD.

I look back and I was not happy. We did not have sex for 3+ years and he told me it was because his libido "went dormant" and even went to the doctor about it. Turns out it was just fine for the OW for the past 2 years. I missed intimacy and I ate as a substitute and gained a lot of weight. He was withdrawn, always choosing to play video games in the basement over spending time with the family.

We talked about R some last night on the phone. He says he still loves me but he isn't "in love" with me. I told him if we spent as much time together alone as he did with the OW, we could fall back in love. He misses us and I know he is not happy living with OW and her kids. He said he did not make his decision lightly when he decided to leave but he would think about coming home. But that I shouldn't cling to false hope.

Should I continue to pursue R given all of the issues, or should I stop and set it down? I do love him and we were happy once and we love our kids. I was a doormat before as I was trying to make him happy without getting what I needed. We never fought - one of us would disengage before it escalated into a fight. I don't know if I would know how to fight or what I would do if he won't break off his relationship with OW if he comes home.

I am probably premature in this as he probably won't come home. But I do love him and I know we can build a new life out of the ashes of our old one if we make the decision to. I just want to keep my family happy as well. Advice???

itstoomuch posted 2/4/2014 08:30 AM

The decision you make is yours, not your family's. My family didn't support me staying with my husband at first (for a long time). My sister said here's your way out; my dad literally walked me into a divorce lawyer's office and made me sit down for a couple hour long appointment & paid to have paperwork drafted. I stomped my foot down right in front of that lady and said No! My pastor said he wouldn't tell me what God wanted me to do ... basically leaving door wide open for me to leave without his judgement. I knew a lot of people were rooting for me to leave him and move on. But I knew no matter what I decided I had the love and support of my friends and family. While they loved me etc, I went thru the first couple years without their support of 'us.' It was extremely hard on me. But today, my dad has embraced him back a a a son-in-law (ABSOLUTE MIRACLE!) and my sister even bought him a Christmas present this year! They've been watching him and the choices he is making now; it just has been taking time. I had to make the decision for myself. It's been hard, but this part of reconciling is working out better than anyone could ever have imagined.

Just some thoughts for later on down the road for you... as I noticed you said he is still with her. And I also noticed this didn't happen too long ago either. So, time will tell, and if & when he wants to reconcile, you can process my story and see if it applies to you.

KatyDo posted 2/4/2014 08:57 AM

griefandrelief, I can relate to your story in some ways. I was also unaware of a long term affair, an emotional one so I'm told. I guess the key thing in your story is that your WH doesn't seem overly willing to reconcile. It truly isn't up to anyone except you and your husband what to do. However his choices suggest that he is not committed to the process of R. Always remember you have a choice, but so does he, and if he is choosing not to R it will likely be futile.

In my situation, the work is very hard and uncomfortable for both of us in R, and he is committed to it. I was always trying to persevere and create a successful outcome in our past, believing I could overcome any obstacle. Now I've learned that I couldn't change him without his own willingness to change. It took a lightbulb moment in my reading about his many issues to learn that, and it was borne out by experience. If he didn't have willingness then I know now any effort to get things back on track would fail. Why? Because he could easily destroy everything I had so carefully built. And he would lie about it to keep me complacent, with supposed compromises and promises.

I can relate to your saying you don't want to disappoint anyone. I also feel that way, even though everyone close to my WH knows he has serious issues, though most don't know about the EA. No one would be surprised to find he pulled something like this as they are aware of his pattern of being disrespectful toward me. However the decision is totally up to you, as you will have to live with the result of your choices more than anyone else.

It sounds as if your WH is trying not to disappoint you by giving you something to hold onto because he knows this is what you want. But that is not the same as wanting to be in R.

In a relationship, there have to be two willing partners. Especially where a man is concerned, actions speak louder than words. It is always your choice what to do, no one else's, but look at the choice your husband is making - because that is the person you will need fully committed to make the marriage work. You deserve a partner who is fully committed to you in my opinion. I wish you all the best.

[This message edited by KatyDo at 8:59 AM, February 4th (Tuesday)]

LA44 posted 2/4/2014 09:02 AM

Hey G+R, I recall your post from General. That your H showed up at your work and told you at work that he would be leaving and moving in with the OW and her 4 kids. So now he has done that and he is not so happy. Quel Surprise!

I think at this point it is far too soon to talk about R - if he wants this so much then he needs to remove himself from the OW's house and life - PERMANENTLY. Then and only then would you even consider speaking to him about R.

He also needs to get into IC and I highly recommend this for you as well.

Your H has to grow up and realize that the delicious feeling of being "in love" is fleeting. It comes and it goes and for some it grows into something called, Attachment Love. This is a true, genuine and loving bond. He THOUGHT he was in love with the OW. He's not. He loved the way she made him feel but it wasn't real. And now that he is immersed in her REAL LIFE with four kids, its all crashing down on him.

As for your family - again - far too soon to even worry about what they will think but truly, it is not their life and not their decision.

Again, your H needs to get the hell out of the OW's house and move himself into a neutral setting - perhaps a friend of the marriage for the time being. Can you think of someone like that?

IF he does that and starts proving he is WORTHY of being your H and THEIR dad then you must lead the way for your DD. And your H MUST make amends with her and your DS. If the man they trust most of the earth can do this - who can they trust? Even if he doesn't come back to the M, I am sure you want them to have a good relationship.

My niece was 17 when she found out about my H's 2 year PA. It took her ONE YEAR to accept that we had reconciled. She would not speak to him. I modeled mature behavior. Didn't bad mouth him and encouraged her to talk anytime she wanted. Her father is not in her life. My dad has been a solid role model for her and my H was in the top 3 of men she trusted. So the betrayal was very difficult for her.

I remember the therapist telling me - at 17 they see the world very black and white. There are no shades of grey. It is almost refreshing. It takes time.

Please keep posting. For now, I would let him know that calling you is off limits until he is out of OW's house and her life for good.

LA44 posted 2/4/2014 09:18 AM

Also, I highly recommend reading as much as possible right now - lots on the Healing Library. Direct him there as well.

Also, Not Just Friends by Sharon Glass and/or After the Affair by Janis A Spring. Many good real life examples that you may be able to relate too.

I am probably premature in this as he probably won't come home. But I do love him and I know we can build a new life out of the ashes of our old one if we make the decision to. I just want to keep my family happy as well. Advice???

But he can't live with her and talk about R with you. Do NOT let him back in the house until he has cut ties with her.

StillStanding1 posted 2/4/2014 09:37 AM

Hi there, G&R,

We have a lot in common.... But my DD(now 18) and DS(now 15) found out about the A before I did. My youngest DS was in the dark and very shocked when my WH announced he was moving out.

I was lucky in that he didn't move in with OW, he moved to an apartment to "clear his head". Seeing the damage of the nuke he unleashed on our family was the first step in extricating his head from his derriere.

I am so sorry for what you are going through. I feel your pain. Truly. I am lucky in that my family and his have both been very supportive of me and of R. My DD was very opposed and wanted us to D. It's been a very rough ride with the kids.

Like you, I got depressed and also gained weight. I had already started getting serious about improving myself before Dday, but that gave me a serious kick in the pants. Decided that whether we D or R, I was not going to be unhappy with myself anymore. The infidelity diet helped kick off my weight loss, and the constant exercise has helped me deal with stress and improved my self-confidence.

You have to do what is right for you. Please be good to yourself. This is all very new to you. Eat, stay hydrated, try to sleep, and get exercise. Let your kids vent, but don't drag them on your rollercoaster of ups and downs more than you can help. Do things with them to show them you will always be there for them as a solid reliable rock in their lives. Get them into IC if you can. First shrink wasn't getting our DD past the anger. We recently started with a new C that will do MC/IC/FC for us all ... and everyone likes him (which is no small feat!!!!) Everyone thinks he can help us!!!!! It is possible with the right C.

But, and this is a BIG but, you CANNOT change your H or convince him of anything. He has to come to this conclusion himself. I wasted a lot of time trying to understand him, diagnose him, educate him..... ugh. It's useless. Don't waste your time. Work on healing yourself and your DDs. If he decides he wants to come back, he is the one who will need to do the hard work and convince you he is worth R'ing with. Until then, take care of you. I know this is WAY easier said than done. I struggled to accept this reality for much too long. But it is true.

Your kids want what is best for you and want to protect you. He has destroyed their trust. He has acted without integrity. They will respect you for holding your ground and only accepting him back if he is willing to "own his shit" and work to restore the relationships he has destroyed.

It is going to be a long tough road with our DD. I don't know if he will ever truly fix it. He's made LOTS of mistakes with her. But I've let go of trying to fix it for them. I can only work on me and then on our M and my relationship with our kids. Try to be the best example I can. Live my life with self-respect and integrity. Please try to do the same for yourself.

Again, so very sorry for your pain. I know how hard this all is... Please be kind to yourself. It's a long tough road. We are here to support you through it...

ETA: Absolutely agree that you cannot even consider R if he has not ended it with OW. My WH also tried to cake-eat, even though I said he had to choose. You need to be absolutely firm on this point. No R without NC with the OW. Period. Absolutely no wiggle room here.

[This message edited by StillStanding1 at 9:42 AM, February 4th (Tuesday)]

sparkly1 posted 2/4/2014 14:52 PM

I am also struggling with this issue, and it isn't just my family. My friends have all just completely voted me off of the island. I haven't fully committed to R yet, but I am leaning that way. It has been six months since OW called me at work. I am still working through the questions and emotions running through my head. I tried Counseling, but I felt like it was very contrived and easily manipulated by either the counselor OR the person seeking counseling. I am just dumbfounded by the complete abandonment by everyone in allowing me to make my own decision. I wonder if they realize that their actions and lack of support for me are actually pushing me closer to R than shoring up my resolve to divorce?

LA44 posted 2/4/2014 15:54 PM

Me again. You know I can see the frustration if your H was "owning it", going to IC, reading, being transparent in all matters and fam and friends are still rejecting...but if the spouse is doing nothing or "just enough" to R then perhaps this is when parents and friends stand up and say. WTF?!

We told my parents 7 months after D-Day. I was able to tell them that H was owning it, going to IC and even though I had not forgiven him I was sticking w it bc his actions were meeting his words.He was able to apologize to my parents and tell them how blessed he felt that I was giving him a chance. My parents followed my lead. They were comforted by my state of mind and his sincerity.

If the WS is all talk. If there is no action beyond words then parents, friends, etc are going to be understandably outraged and protective.

Keep us posted g+r.

griefandrelief posted 2/7/2014 00:00 AM

I know now that my thoughts about R were related to my denial stage. He has no interest in R or anything related to me. And I am a fool for entertaining the idea. He was not respectful of me for years. He actually told me that his libido had dried up and that I shouldn't expect sex at all while he was sleeping with the OW for two years. What was I thinking to say yes to that? I don't even know what it feels like to be sexually attractive to a man anymore. And I put my own needs aside for so long I don't know what it feels like to BE sexually attracted to someone. What a fool I was.

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