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ScottishGuy posted 2/4/2014 07:56 AM

It started around the middle of November last year. I noticed that my WS was showing suspicious signs, little things like keeping her phone beside her constantly (where before she would have happily left it lying anywhere), changing pass code on phone and making sure I was not in line of sight when entering it.

We have had problems in our marriage but nothing out of the ordinary, just the usual stresses of both having a full-time job and 2 young boys (age 6 and 3). Out of the blue she wanted to take our eldest son to his martial arts class, this was strange as I always did this. She also mentioned that she was then going to go to her parents house to speak to them about our relationship (claiming that her mother had noticed that we were not getting along). Basically she would be away for an hour...fair enough. She came back from this and exclaimed 'everything sorted, no need to worry'...basically alluding to the fact that she had spoken to her parents and told them that things were fine between us. Thought such a sweeping statement was strange. I decided to check her phone when she was in the shower that night (I had managed to find the pass code, she had written it down on a piece of paper in her purse). Nothing looked out of the ordinary, no texts giving away anything. Then I noticed that her contacts list was scrolled to a persons name I did not know and an email client that we did not normally use. Opened it and found a number of emails back and forth to this person (OM) about how they had enjoyed what was obviously a sexual encounter that evening. To say that my heart broke at that moment was an understatement, I started to physically shake and had to gather my senses under control before my WS exited the shower. I used Google to eventually find the OM and where they worked, the same offices as my WS!..nice and neat, she was getting to see this person every day!

For the next few days I did not show any signs that anything was wrong, basically I did not what to do. I continued to check her phone when I could (which was not very often) and caught snippets of their ongoing relationship. We went on a rare night out (having got my parents to look after the kids). She spent the majority of the time on the phone, I would go the toilet, come back and find her just putting her phone away. We went to a pub for a drink after before walking down the road, we would normally hold hands, this time nothing, no hand holding or speaking. I cried that night.

It was at this point I decided to investigate possible ways to spy on her phone. Now I am aware of the legality (or otherwise) of doing this in the certain states in the US, I am based in the UK, not 100% sure of whether spying on a spouse is legal or not. I found some free monitoring software which included a key logger that would email me a report. The software was not great but it kinda worked (tested it on my phone). I eventually got a chance a week or so later to install it on her phone, she had left it upstairs and was sleeping on the couch downstairs after being out for a Christmas night out. What followed over the following fortnight was me getting an email every half an hour or so showing the keyboard activity of her phone, I could not see what the other person was responding but I could her emails. There were many emails with stating how they "loved each other" and "wanted to be with one another"...these HURT! My mind was spinning, I could not concentrate at work and there was a horrible gnawing in my stomach.

I wrote an email describing everything I knew, the affair they were having, what it had done to me, basically poring my feelings out. I sent it to her 'secret' email address that she was using and waited. It took about an hour before I got the call. I can only imagine what she must have been doing in that hour, I would have loved to have been a fly on the wall when she went into her email to find, not another 'lovers' email but one from her husband of 15 years. She was oddly calm, pretty much of the "ah well, you got me....hold my hand up"...there was obviously no wriggle room given the evidence I had given. I had mentioned in the email that I knew that the OM had a partner (had found this out from internet searching) and that I was going to break the news to them. If I did this it would make working life for WS and OM very difficult (they all work in the same place, albeit different locations). Something that, at the time I would have loved to have done but decided to hold back. WS was very concerned that I was going to tell the APs partner. WS was also wanting to find out how I knew all the details, I glossed over a lot of this not wanting to reveal my sources.

We spoke at length that evening and she said it was over between her and OM and that there would be NC (difficult given they work in the same place). The very next day I get my key logger email showing that she wanted to meet OM in the car park.... could not believe she was going to meet him. I text her to ask how she was getting on (she was heading to the doctors that morning). I pretended that I had driven to her work to pick her up and saw her and OM in the car together (I hadn't but claimed I had). She admitted meeting him but it was to 'say goodbye', she even admitted kissing him (as she did not know how much I had seen). I gave her the ultimatum at his point that if she was caught again then that was it. The OM's partner would be told and that we would be finished.

The spanner in the works at this point was that the key logging software I had installed on WS phone was playing up, it would not always show up a monitoring email and was showing signs of crashing on her phone. She confronted my about this but I denied having installed anything on her phone. I suggested a factory reset if it put her mind at rest. Before doing this she done a bit of digging and found pretty well hidden set of files showing the key-logger. She tried to take the moral high ground on this matter to which I told her in no uncertain terms that I done it to gather evidence and would do it again in a heart beat....So everything was out in the open, I had caught her, she had caught me and I hoped that we would move on a try and rebuild all the trust lost in our relationship. This was 2 weeks before Christmas and for the sake of the kids we said we would put a brave face on it and make sure everything was normal for the kids. She even came clean about the sexual encounter (which I already knew about). She appeared genuinely remorseful, even tearful about what she 'almost lost' (me and the 2 kids) but I could not shake the feeling that all this was over. The way she was so acceptant of moving on having shown a lot of feelings to OM. I also noticed (I really was on high alert and from now on I guess I always will be) that she was carrying her work phone, even when she did not have to.

I did not want to believe but I was pretty sure that they were now communicating on their work phones. Cue my 2nd level of spying....phone software was out so I found a little cheap USB recording stick off Amazon. I placed it in our bedroom out of sight when I went out and knew she was in. I would hear her moving about, but nothing concrete until one time I heard her phone go (work mobile ring tone) and she headed into another room, our littlest boys bedroom judging by the way the door creaked. From then on I would put the recording device in his room. I confronted WS about being suspicious about her always carrying her work phone and that I reckoned she was speaking to OM but she denied the accusations. Then last week after leaving the device again I caught the recording I was after, WS speaking to OM. It mostly about feeling paranoid that I had somehow got into her work phone and was monitoring her again, that she was feeling so ill with all this paranoia, then about how they had been texting each other when she was out the previous night and that if I had found out about those texts then surely I would have said something (especially given my ultimatum) and then that they loved each other and they "need" each other. So that was on Friday. I have been struggling to act normal now in light of this concrete evidence of my fears and I am now unsure as to what to do. I have been trying to 180. She appears to have picked up on this.

I still love (I think) my WS and, with our 2 young children, I know she will always be part of my life but I now fear that she will never come back to me. To go back to OM so soon (a month) after finding all this out tells me its over. I now look about my house and think nothing is going to be the same again. If I confront her again about this and follow through with telling APs partner then I guess the next step will be us separating. All trust is gone, there is lies and deceit. My mind works overtime when she is not there. I fear for how this will be for our 2 little boys! I have even started working how much we would make from selling house, splitting the savings etc and working out what deposit I would need for a new house. I am pretty well paid (£50K a year) so should not have any financial worries. My WS is on about £35K a year so again would be able to live. I guess I am currently paralysed into what to do next as that next step will be painful and final. Even if we were to try and give it a go it would not be like it was (I guess that was gone forever after D-Day). All trust is gone, I don't want to spend all my time playing private investigator to make sure my WS is no longer a WS.

Thanks for listening.

simplydevastated posted 2/4/2014 08:13 AM

Hello ScottishGuy. I'm sorry you're going through this, but you are in the right place. You'll find a wealth of knowledge and a lot of caring people.

First things first. In my opinion, you don't have to make any rash decisions right now. This is all still fairly new to you.

My best advice would be to get your ducks in a row. Talk to lawyer and know what your rights are and where you stand. There's no harm in checking on that. You don't have to file, but the knowledge will give you a great sense of relief.

If you do decide to tell the AP's spouse don't tell your WS first. They will get together and come up with a story and do some kind of "damage control." Again, if you tell the other spouse make sure you have all the evidence with you because there will be a high probability that they won't believe you right off the bat.

To go back to OM so soon (a month) after finding all this out tells me its over.

It was never over. That's just what she told you. In fact, what they did was take their affair "underground." They switched to work devices because she felt that would be safer for them because you were able to gain access to other phone. Personally, I wouldn't be surprised if they have a different email account. I'm not saying she does, I'm just saying I wouldn't be surprised.

This is going to be a rough road for you. Remember to take care of yourself and focus on your two little boys. They're going to need to you.

Sending you strength and (((HUGS))) to get through this.

On a side note and slight thread-jack. I've been to Scotland years ago. It's a beautiful country.

[This message edited by simplydevastated at 8:15 AM, February 4th (Tuesday)]

ScottishGuy posted 2/4/2014 08:28 AM

Thanks SimplyDevasted, it was cathartic just to write about my experience on here and find out about others viewpoints.

I will take on board the advice about not telling WS about breaking the news to APs partner. Seemingly the AP was ever so grateful that I had not blown his world apart. He currently has to deal with none of this. I will, when ready, construct a carefully worded email and send it to the persons work (she is a teacher, AP is some sort of co-ordinator for the authority where they work). It would make his life very difficult, not that I care currently.

I do now know that they took things "underground" and wish I had not had my source (keylogger) revealed as I would be able to monitor much more closely their feelings. I am at a loss as to their end-goal in all of this. Are they waiting for my kids to grow up a little so its easier for them, or until AP gets the courage up to tell his spouse, or what?!

Brandon808 posted 2/4/2014 08:40 AM

This...

If you do decide to tell the AP's spouse don't tell your WS first. They will get together and come up with a story and do some kind of "damage control." Again, if you tell the other spouse make sure you have all the evidence with you because there will be a high probability that they won't believe you right off the bat.

simplydevstated is right, you don't have to decide what to do but you should absolutely be prepared for the worst.

Sorry you're here.

annb posted 2/4/2014 08:47 AM

Hi, ScottishGuy, welcome to SI. So sorry you find yourself here.

Telling the affair partner's wife will probably end the affair...more than likely, he will dump your wife in a heartbeat. The best way to end an affair is to expose it.

My husband had a long-distance A with a co-worker. The day I found out he called her and threw her under the bus. That was the end.

If this happens in your case, your wife will have to find another job immediately. She will have to be NC (no contact) with this guy, and working together will make it almost impossible.

Meet with an attorney, just to protect yourself and your precious children. Right now your wife certainly does not have their best interest at heart, she is on a path to destroying your family.

Good luck! BTW, there is a great thread in the I Can Relate forum for Betrayed Men Only...some great guys who have been in your position, may be able to help you navigate through this storm.

ScottishGuy posted 2/4/2014 09:06 AM

Again, great advice! Never thought I would be in this position.

Can't help but think that WS and AP will be a great match together. Their lies and deceit must form a great basis for a new relationship....when he dumps her after the fog lifts, I wont be there to pick up the pieces. The most hurtful thing is their complete disregard for this and the current family unit. I gave her (and him) in all honesty a second chance as I thought it was the right/proper thing to do and they played me for a fool.

I will check out that other thread. I am currently swinging wildly between blowing it out in the open right now (the emotional thing to do) and biding my time and working out the best direction for myself and my 2 boys (the sensible thing to do).

The NC thing and them working together was never going to work and I kinda knew it after the 1st D-Day

simplydevastated posted 2/4/2014 09:10 AM

I hope some of what I said helped.

Your emotions are going to go all over the place. This is definitely the roller coaster ride no one wanted to be on.

thunderhead0187 posted 2/4/2014 10:02 AM

IM not trying to be mean here but you need to tell his partner. The veil of secrecy will only lift when all parties are aware of the a. When I got a call from the om's wife who had been the investigator in my case it was a tough day for my partner. He is as low down as she is and needs to be exposed.
Sorry i'm glad you found this place it's been very helpful to me. Strength to you brother.

Edie posted 2/4/2014 10:18 AM

Hello scottish guy, a friendly wave of welcome from another Scot here. So sorry you have to be here but you are in guid company.

Would send you a hug but that would be just so unscottish.

ScottishGuy posted 2/4/2014 10:25 AM

Thanks Edie (and everyone else), indeed a hug be most un-scottish like.

A "Pick yersel up man an git onwaeit" would probably be more suited.

norabird posted 2/4/2014 10:33 AM

"Pick yersel up man an git onwaeit"

This appears (if I'm interpreting correctly!) to be the right advice. You are reluctant to accept your WS's actions as final but right now, treat her as gone. Expose the AP to his partner, and see a lawyer. You need to show her that she can't have her cake and eat it too.

Jduff posted 2/4/2014 11:25 AM

This -

All trust is gone, I don't want to spend all my time playing private investigator to make sure my WS is no longer a WS.

and keeping the focus on being the sane and strong parent, the "rock" for your children so you can take care of them.

Keep these thoughts in mind and do the 180 WITH the expectation that you are going to D her. The attitude will make the effort strong. Remember that.

yearsofpain25 posted 2/4/2014 11:30 AM

As the Scots say "It's time to unleash the serpent!" (adding water to your whisky). "Unleash the serpent" by throwing petrol on the affair and burn it down. Expose the OM to his betrayed spouse. Don't tell your wife. Do the 180 and prepare yourself to let her go. It will do wonders for yourself and will cause major havoc on the A. Do it for your kids as they have been betrayed too. I guarantee she doesn't get that aspect of it...yet.

Good luck to you ScottishGuy. I will have a dram from your country tonight and think of you. I'm pulling for you.

ZedLeppelin posted 2/4/2014 22:53 PM

What are your deal breakers?

You know she slept with another man, so why did you need to continue spying on her? What you should have done (and should do now) is impose serious consequences:

1) Go see a lawyer and find out your options. File for divorce with best deal for you and kids.
2) Expose to OM's wife.
3) She moves out of the bedroom. She has nuked the marriage, so she does not sleep in the same bed as you.
4) Implement 180. Only talk about kids.
5) Get checked for STDs
6) DNA the kids - this might not be her first affair (Seriously).

You cannot legally force her out of the house, but i would pack some clothes for her and tell her to go to her lover. I would also file for divorce. Here it is a long process and therefore you can see whether or not she is truly remorseful (and subsequently stop the divorce process to get back together).

She has to win YOU back now. Not the other way around. You may not have been the perfect husband but the affair is not your fault. She made the choice to betray you. She has to do the heavy lifting. Also make it absolutely clear that you are not leaving the kids. You will be staying with them.

Furthermore you seriously need to start standing up for yourself. Betraying your Husband/Wife by sleeping with someone else is not the same as you spying on them.

The nanosecond she brought up the spyware, you should have replied with "So you're not sorry you were caught with another man? You're not sorry you betrayed our family? You're not sorry you could have given me an STD? No, you're worried about your affair with OM." End of discussion. Do not engage with her justifications. She chose to do this.

By not exposing to the OM's wife you come across as weak. You told your wife numerous time yet you didn't go through with it. As a result there have been no consequences for her affair. Why then should she stop her affair? Why should she change her behavior? Why should she start respecting you again? You are essentially telling her it is OK to go around screwing other men and you will still welcome her back into your home.

Tell the OM's wife as soon as possible. Implement 180 - and start working out.