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User Topic: Why is NC is F*&king hard when its family!????
She11ybeanz
♀ 27457
Member # 27457
Sad  Posted: 8:03 AM, February 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My dad said my sister got my birthday card and gift card. The one she was "supposed" to get from me when we had planned a couple of weeks ago (despite the disputing) to go to dinner for her birthday so she could see Piper (since she hadn't seen her in 14 days)....then she cancelled.

After she cancelled....my bestie invited us to a close Mexican restaurant near her house and then Piper and I stayed the night at her house. We left my house at 7. My sister told my dad that her and her girlfriend went to a Japanese restaurant that night and then "just happened" down my street and my SUV and another one was parked my driveway at 11pm. Her friend that they were shopping with posted about how they all went to IHOP....which is a 24 hour breakfast place.

So, she lied about where I was and couldn't even keep her story straight about where they ate at. (unless the more expensive place was right and they were trying to look poor in the post? since she bitches about not ever having money and how I should have been paying her blah blah blah - won't go there)

Dad gave her my card....and she told him in secret that she still loved me....and thought the card was funny...and thanked me for it. Said she tried to call me but she was still blocked .....um DUH.... the card was purchased BEFORE the tire slashing accusations started! I don't buy people things (even family) if they are accusing me of being a felon! Sorry! Gotta draw the line somewhere!!! I might be your typical doormat co-dependent...but NOT gonna happen.

BUT.... why is this guilt complex kicking in again? I have the strongest urge to unblock her on my phone.....let her call me....and then blast her for her accusations because WE never spoke to each other about what happened to her tires.

Whoever did that.... was a professional...slashed all 4 of them.....and didn't give a rats ass that my sister's car is parked in front of a motion detecting spotlight....so they were practically on a stage while doing it! If I were going to slash a tire....which I will be honest....I own maybe 3 steak knives bought at a dollar tree store...(lost the others) and I wouldn't know how to slash a tire "professionally" (which were my dad's words....I don't know what that means!) But, say IF I were to try....and a big fat spotlight beamed down on me like God catching me in the act.....I would have run like the scared chicken that I am as fast as I could to get away!

I mean....I cry when cops pull me over for speeding..... (or I did 10 years ago...)but I know I would now too damn it! I AM NOT A CROOK!!! LOL! (Sorry...couldn't resist).

Why is NC so hard to keep up with family? It was hard with XWH.....and hard with Piper's sperm donor...sometimes still is when I'm lonely..... but I've been good...it will be a year on June 2nd since he has last emailed me and I never responded. But, why does family seem to be harder??? Its killing me.

Maybe its because I feel so much more alone now. I just have my dad....who I don't see but once or twice a week.....my best friend is going out of town today for a week. I did get a run in after work yesterday before picking Piper up at daycare.... but overslept a little this morning. I think I'm just a mess all around..... IDK.

She and I haven't spoken in 12 days PERIOD. We haven't seen each other in 26 days. It feels like a lifetime. I guess I miss her. And, I wonder if my daughter does too.

[This message edited by She11ybeanz at 8:08 AM, February 4th (Tuesday)]


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2732 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
She11ybeanz
♀ 27457
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 8:05 AM, February 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And, I meant to say "Why is NC so F*&king hard when its family!???? Not is.... ugh....


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2732 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
Williesmom
♀ 22870
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 8:12 AM, February 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You want to unblock her because on some level the drama validates your self-worth.

It's because the only interaction that you have with her is bad, so you at least want that.

Don't do it. Please is the best give that you can give yourself.


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7817 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
She11ybeanz
♀ 27457
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 8:39 AM, February 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not. I'm really not going to break NC. I think its that famous case of you "miss who they once were to you" The relationship you HAD once. I'm still in mourning I guess.....and very sad.


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2732 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
persevere
♀ 31468
Member # 31468
Default  Posted: 11:18 AM, February 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Shelly, as someone who has a toxic mother to deal with, all I can say is, "Step away from the crazy" and you need to stick with it for quite a while.

It means new boundaries if you ever do re-open that door, but it's a lot easier than the crazy, I promise you. My mother actually controls her behavior around me now. I'm still always on guard and I'm careful about the information I give her, but at least we are now able to have some level of a relationship. That was after I cut her off for close to two years (and Dday was right in the middle of that, so she didn't know about my divorce until months later).

Stick with it Shelly, it's for the best.


Me: BW-44
Him: XWH-44
Together 9 yrs
DDays: 1/10/2011
Status: Divorced 4/27/11

Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron

It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling


Posts: 4669 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
Charity411
♀ 41033
Member # 41033
Default  Posted: 11:53 AM, February 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think you need to stop talking to your dad about your sister. For someone who wants NC with her, you seem to dwell on every bit of information you can get from your dad when it comes to her.

I have a very toxic family dynamic which resulted in me having no contact with my mom for about two years. To put it in perspective, my brother who is 8 years older than my sister and I (twins) was sexually assaulting my sister for years starting when she was 8 years old. Not only did my mom know, but she is to this day she is devoted to and idolizes my brother.

When my daughter got married a few years ago, I invited my mom and my sister who has over the years been a second mom to my daughter, to the wedding. My mom refused to come to my daughters wedding because I wouldn't invite my pedophile brother. So I cut all ties with her. She made he choice.

I have since regained an arms length relationship with her by phone only. And I have a rule. If she so much as mentions my brother, I hang up. That's what boundaries are. And you have to stick to them.


Posts: 402 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Illinois
She11ybeanz
♀ 27457
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 12:22 PM, February 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I actually refuse to bring up my sister to my dad....he always does. He says he won't but he always does. I think he hates being stuck in the middle and I can't say that I blame him. We used to be a family....now I don't know what we are. I don't have much of what you would call a family anymore. Just my dad and Piper.

It saddens me. I have more friends that are like family than real family. Its hard for me to grasp how my life got to this point.....and it breaks my heart really.... I won't lie.


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2732 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
Tearsoflove
♀ 8271
Member # 8271
Default  Posted: 1:37 PM, February 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Shelly,

My sister and I go through bouts of not speaking. I've even occasionally blocked her on social networking. We can't maintain NC, either. The thing is, there are so many things I dislike about my sister that I'd have nothing to do with her if we weren't family. She's an alcoholic, over-sensitive drama queen. But there are things I know about her that I wouldn't know about a stranger that explain a lot of those things I dislike and there are other things that I love about her that she doesn't show to many people. As much as she drives me nuts, I can't cut her out completely. She's my only sister and while we are sometimes terrible to each other, I know she has my back against the rest of the world.

[This message edited by Tearsoflove at 3:57 PM, February 6th (Thursday)]


"Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand." ~Homer Simpson


Posts: 4265 | Registered: Sep 2005
She11ybeanz
♀ 27457
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 2:44 PM, February 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As much as she drives me nuts, I can't cut her out completely. She's my only sister

This is how I feel. She goes from being an amazing sister to being a terrible person in 2.5 seconds.....she wants to be a saint but expects recognition at all times and reassurance of her kind words or actions. I love her....but I loathe her at the same time. Right now its more on the loathing side.... but I am standing my ground. I may not have blocked her...but I'm going to continue ignoring her. Its all I can do. NC right now is the ONLY answer for me that will work. My sanity needs it to survive.


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2732 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
Crescita
♀ 32616
Member # 32616
Default  Posted: 3:35 PM, February 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you would like to maintain some form of relationship, spend some time working on what your boundaries are and how you would like to enforce them. Then be consistent!

Much like with infidelity 180, you have to have to develop some plan of action and make your expectations clear. The goal isn’t to change your sister, 180 is about you. You can change how you interact with her and what you are willing to put up with from her. It sounds the same might be true for your dad. Be kind but firm that you do not wish to discuss your sister’s drama. Tell him so, and then change the conversation or remove yourself from it. Be consistent.

It might also help to practice not reacting to the petty drama. Consider for a moment that it doesn’t matter where your sister ate, or when she said she saw you. It seems you think that this is somehow a malicious implication, but what if it wasn’t? What if you just said, “oh, that’s strange” then changed the conversation?

Why do you feel the need to defend yourself? It only validates whatever weird thing might have been implied. Force people to be direct about whatever grievances they have by not giving attention to things that are indirect.

Practice coming up with some innocuous explanations for indirect things that upset you. Consider if it is worth being upset when given alternatives. For example, someone unfriends you on fb. That is indirect. They could have done so for a myriad of reasons that have nothing to do with not liking you; regularly purging old contacts, eliminating overly athletic acquaintances, not liking someone you associate with, deciding to deactivate their accounts. Why take offense if you don’t have to? Be oblivious to bullshit.


“Happiness cannot be pursued; it must ensue.” ― Viktor E. Frankl, Man's Search for Meaning

Posts: 3528 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: The Valley of the Sun
Amazonia
♀ 32810
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 6:59 PM, February 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your dad might be a good place to start practicing boundaries. You say you don't want to talk about your sister, and he brings her up, but it sure sounds like you engage when he does. You need to firm up that boundary.

Repeat your boundary in simple terms, change the subject, crickets or physically remove yourself from a conversation if your boundaries aren't respected. Anything less and you aren't respecting your own boundaries and no wonder no one else does.

No one is responsible in this world for enforcing your boundaries but yourself.


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13869 | Registered: Jul 2011
exhausted lady
♀ 30217
Member # 30217
Default  Posted: 1:48 AM, February 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Shelly....you keep petting the drama llama, (either by direct contact, or through your dad) and keep being upset because it keeps biting you on the ass.

Drama llamas always bite you on the ass. Your dad is enmeshed in the drama too. Put those boundaries in place (very firmly) with your dad, and cut your NPD, controlling sister out even more than you already have. Let your father know that you have NO interest in any fucking single thing she says, does, thinks, or what-the-hell-ever. Only you can change this. You have the power, now USE it!

And please, please, please, don't let this disordered woman any access to your beautiful daughter! If you think she won't use Piper to hurt you.....please think again.


Sometimes the hardest part of finally seeing through someone is accepting what you see...

God grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to
change the one I can, and the wisdom to know it's me.
-Reinhold Neibuhr


Posts: 3168 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Colorado
k94ever
♀ 11176
Member # 11176
Default  Posted: 9:26 AM, February 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Jeez girl.....tell your Dad you can't listen to stories concerning your sister!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Seriously, you don't need this crap in your life. You've got enough hard stuff going on without all this sister stuff.

This stops when YOU stop it.

Love you to death, but DON'T ENGAGE.

k9


BS: 56
WS: 53
Betrayed: 23 years
Affairs: 14 (2 lasted 3 months. Rest were ONS)
WS died: 16 May 2011
Do not stay in your hurt forever. Choose to move out of it.

Posts: 6604 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: Wisconsin
cissi
♀ 21737
Member # 21737
Default  Posted: 2:39 PM, February 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have more friends that are like family than real family. Its hard for me to grasp how my life got to this point.....and it breaks my heart really.... I won't lie.

This is much more common than you probably know. One of things I have always told my daughter (who is adopted) is, we make our family in this life.

Just because people are born into the same family does not mean you have to accept every little thing about them. If you were not related to your sister, I doubt you would seek out a friendship with her, right? I have a brother like that who I finally had to cut off. It was always something with him, bad stuff. Another thing I have always told my daughter is, people (we are trying to help) rarely rise to our level but in the process we seem to go down to theirs.

[This message edited by cissi at 2:41 PM, February 5th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 1450 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Southern California
Jeaniegirl
♀ 6370
Member # 6370
Default  Posted: 3:54 PM, February 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Shelly, I can feel your pain about this situation.

I have one sister, no other siblings. We are less than two years apart in age and have always been best friends. I don't know what I'd do without her. So I do understand your pain.

My mom has only one sister remaining and they've been involved in a 'feud' for 21 years and do not speak. However, they still 'gig' each other through other family members. My sister and I refuse to engage with Mom when she starts sister-bashing so she's learned she can't talk to us about it. We simply say we are tired of hearing about it, it's gone on too long and can't be fixed and then we change the subject. That has worked. Your Dad is probably hurting, knowing his two daughters are estranged. But if you don't set boundaries it will only continue to get worse as it sounds as if your sister 'lives' for drama.

Wishing you luck but perhaps you should disengage entirely, step back and concentrate on yourself and your daughter. If your dad brings up your sister, just pat him on the back and tell him you have chosen not to 'deal with her' right now and then change the subject.

Good luck!


"Because I deserve better"

Posts: 997 | Registered: Feb 2005
She11ybeanz
♀ 27457
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 3:57 PM, February 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Another thing I have always told my daughter is, people (we are trying to help) rarely rise to our level but in the process we seem to go down to theirs.

THAT ^^^ is my sister. She is dating a 21 year old trashy girl with a criminal family (literally all 3 brothers have done hard time in prison and her mother is a crack whore) and my sister is 43 years old acting like her girlfriend! Immature, unreasonable, and completely moronic! I had to cut ties! It was the only way to salvage my sanity. And, I don't regret it. I DID feel bad for her that she hasn't seen my daughter in a month...but I'm sorry.....SHE DID THIS TO HERSELF!


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2732 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
cissi
♀ 21737
Member # 21737
Default  Posted: 4:57 PM, February 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But, you also understand it is you if you in turn try to help your sister or be involved in her way of life?

[This message edited by cissi at 4:58 PM, February 5th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 1450 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Southern California
She11ybeanz
♀ 27457
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 7:15 AM, February 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know and I'm not being in her way of life....I'm just saying its really hard for me mentally and emotionally to deal with cutting her out of my life. I haven't spoken to her now in weeks or seen her in about a month. Its most definitely the longest she has gone without seeing Piper. I know its the right thing to do....which is WHY I am doing it. I know its the healthy thing to do. But, that doesn't take the hurt or the pain away of having to do it. I'm still mourning a relationship.....one that was meant to last longer than any marriage...

[This message edited by She11ybeanz at 7:16 AM, February 6th (Thursday)]


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2732 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
Newlease
♀ 7767
Member # 7767
Default  Posted: 9:43 AM, February 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's just like going NC with a man. You need to stop thinking about the "good" times and make a list of the bad stuff. Every time you start feeling bad about it, just remind yourself of all the crap you DON'T have to deal with anymore.

You can make this hard on yourself, or you can make it easier - it's really up to you.

I have friends that are better family than my blood relations. I had to distance myself from my brother years ago because of the toxic nature of our relationship. I still speak to him but I don't really connect with him. He sometimes tries to make me feel guilty about it, but I just remember all the crap he has put me through and I let go of any ounce of guilt.

Sending strength and peace.

NL


Even if you can't control the world around you, you are still the master of your own soul.

Posts: 7787 | Registered: Aug 2005
She11ybeanz
♀ 27457
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 10:06 AM, February 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sending strength and peace.

Thank you. I need all the strength and peace I can get right now. My therapist called me last night and had an opened slot today....so I took it. I see her during my lunch break. I need it.

I read an article by Dr. Phil the other day that said "We Teach People How to Treat Us" and its so true..... but forgiving toxic people for bad behavior...and by not having strong solid boundaries when they cross a very bold emotional line in the relationship......you condone their behavior. You are basically telling them in a roundabout way that its okay to treat me like a doormat because I will ultimately cave and give in to you. Its okay to treat me like dirt because I will be easy to guilt into submission. Its okay to yell and scream because you know its not in my nature and I will always back down like a coward.

Well....I'm done being that person. This is totally against my nature.....standing up for myself like this...but I'm proud of myself for doing it....no matter how hard it is. I know its the right thing to do. And, I will continue to do so.

I have been able to run on the trail outside of my job twice this week after work because daycare will watch her until 6:30pm! Do you know how FREEING that is to me!!!! OMG....it has been awesome to not have to feel guilty for once to go for a run after work!!!!


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2732 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
Topic Posts: 25
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