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re-connecting tip

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morethantrying posted 2/4/2014 08:31 AM

this worked wonders for us was foggy, I was hurting but we needed to start the positive perspective somehow...I initiated "thanks for everything"...I did't say this to him of course. I just started to thank him for every little thing that he did...every LITTLE thing like, clean up one dish. It took a while but soon he was reciprocating and appreciating everything I still sure is nice and is a small healthy habit,that gets both parties to view some positives and get things going in a positive way...even if only a bit...I STARTED THIS WITHOUT HIS AWARENESS...I NOW BENEFIT.

Sparkle0504 posted 2/4/2014 08:40 AM

I read something similar on SI and you're absolutely right! It works two-fold for me, 1) It's chipping away at my EA SAWH's rather tall brick wall and 2) I actually find it rather calming when I might otherwise feel tempted to kick him in the nuts

Seriously though, it's almost like subliminal learning, albeit a little slow, but already seeing a slight change.

Old dogs can always learn new tricks. Even me

LA44 posted 2/4/2014 08:42 AM

That's a great tip morethantrying! Reminds me of the 5 Love Languages book. I posted something last week called, "Encourage Yourself" and it was along the same lines - only for the BS who are weighing themselves with negative self talk.

Thanks for sharing!

eachdayisvictory posted 2/4/2014 08:43 AM

Absolutely. Thanks for sharing this. We are doing the same, and our relationship is moving to such a beautiful place. We just remarked the other night how different it feels to be NICE to each other! Sounds so simple and foolish, but it takes purpose and effort to be kind and generous in a marriage.

painpaingoaway posted 2/4/2014 08:44 AM

This is extremely important. So glad you brought this up. I have often tried to share this idea, and variations of it with other hurting individuals here. It works, it really, really works. I know it may seem 'undoable' for people in the throes of D-day pain, (as it certainly was for me), but as things simmer down, and there is significant remorse and positive R steps initiated, this is sooooo important!

AFrayedKnot posted 2/4/2014 09:03 AM

shatteredapart posted 2/4/2014 09:22 AM

This is something I worked hard on after my first dday. I realized that I had stopped thanking WH as much for the things he did and focused more on what he wasn't doing. Granted...He wasn't doing much but you have to start somewhere. After the last dday in December just wanted to give up. I felt lost, hopeless and yes, unappreciated. He said something about that now that he was trying I wasn't. And he was right. It takes us both working together to make progress. So I put myself out there and told him it hurt me that he didn't show recognition and appreciation for the things I did. He just expected it. And you know what? He actually listened! He's on board now. It has taken him several weeks to get better at it but he's coming along. This is the text I've gotten already today.

1.Looooovvvvvveeeeee you and I'm thinking of you and you only:-*<3:-*

2. Thank you for being special, loving, warm and caring:-*<3:-*<3:-):-):-)

3. I appreciate you

They made me smile and cry because I see the effort he made and the actions he took. So when I start feeling low and start to question things I'll look at these and it'll help me focus on moving forward and growing together.

roses303 posted 2/4/2014 09:58 AM

This is a great tip for many relationships but doesn't work for everyone. As our marriage counselor said you can be doing all sorts of things to show you love your partner and they can feel unloved if you are not doing the things that make them feel loved.

I, for instance, hate, hate, hate it when my spouse thanks me for stuff that I'm doing because they need to be done. When my WH gets into a mode where he is thanking me for every little thing, it makes me crazy. I don't want to be thanked for doing the dishes, I don't want to be thanked for making dinner, I don't want to be thanked for getting the kids ready for school. In fact it makes me resentful. What would show love to me is an offer of help. Now a sincere, "I love and appreciate you as a person" is something different.

Morhurt posted 2/4/2014 10:55 AM

We've been doing this, though I don't know that it was conscious. And it's weird, I mean good, but weird. For example my H thanked me for buying hot peppers to go with a meal I was making because he likes them. It was nice but surprising to be thanked because I always buy them, he just took it for granted before. He was genuinely pleased that I thought of him when shopping...
I also find I thank him (and vice versa) for talking and listening, not just doing things.

Roses: I hear you. I appreciate that he thanks me for the "thankless" jobs I do every day, but I would feel annoyed if he only thanked me and never helped!

painpaingoaway posted 2/4/2014 11:08 AM

Well, yes Roses, it does need to be fine turned to the individual.

My H and I both are far more attuned to each others needs than we ever were before.


alifeforesaken posted 2/4/2014 11:35 AM

This is great. I have been trying to do this as much as I can. I do tend to focus on the negative and I'm try very hard not to, knowing that this is a slow process.

Roses - Someone mentioned it above. 5 love languages. It's exactly what you are alluding to. People try to love how they want to be loved.

I want to be appreciated, but affirmation is not my love language. Acts of service is my primary and then quality time. I mean I like the other languages too, but they aren't what instantly make me feel loved and appreciated. I suggest you and your spouse read it. It's very short, you can even take a quiz online. I knew my WH's languages and this confirmed it, and affirmation is one of them, which makes sense because he constantly seeks external validation.

roses303 posted 2/4/2014 11:57 AM

Alifeforsaken, We have already read the love language book which is why I commented earlier about how the technique of thanking your spouse for every little thing is not always a good method for reconnecting.

It is important to know what your spouse needs. If you start trying to reconnect by constant affirmation and that is not their love language, you could be doing more harm to your marriage than good. That isn't to say being positive around each other is not a good thing but it need to be tempered to the recipient.

sad81712 posted 2/4/2014 12:52 PM

Thank you for the good tip. We've been married for 20yrs and sometime the simple things get taken for granted. My H and I are also trying to have more eye contact when talking about hard topics…for some reason that really helps us

morethantrying posted 2/4/2014 17:51 PM

Maybe point missed a bit. What we are going for here is REAL R and that is hard and takes times and efforts especially (unfortunately and sometimes especially difficult for the BS):

IMO: the point is not particularly in the thanking, but in the noticing...the words show the notice and then is communicated....this kind of communication is good communication. By thanking we too are NOTICING the good things our spouse does....this get the positive perspective it is the NOTICING on our part as well as the ACKNOWLEDGEMENT for them that gets the great cycle going...not just thanking for their case but it helps US AS WELL as it helps us SEE more clearly what they are doing and work towards a move positive view of them which after time will lead to more loving feelings.

For getting a guy to help out, try this using these words (John grays aadvise and seems to work in our house)...

Honey, would you mind helping me clean of the table tonight...I FEEL a bit tired and it would be a great help.

This gives him chance to do for you...IMO guys want to help but lots of time haven't a clue...really true in our case, but once I asked WITHOUT an EDGE in my voice...(took a while!!!) he was willing and GLAD...then I thanked with a little kiss...made a fuss...

Just an example of how my opwn actions turned his actions and made for a very positive interactions without resentments....

This is my very wonderful and loving and caring contribution to R....have to put the resentments aside for real R...hard to do this in the beginning but once the positive perspective takes hold loving feelings start to emerge to.....if you let them.... so I do to get this...this is why I always feel that the BS often carries the heavier burden of the R...I do believe we really have to be the bigger, better one...I am trying to be true to who I really am and let resentment go...not always easy, but once the good cycle keeps going it seems to get easier...

[This message edited by morethantrying at 5:53 PM, February 4th (Tuesday)]

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